An Old Man’s Christmas Wish List
A senior citizen’s Christmas wish list for all of mankind…
New Episodes of Perry Mason
I realize that Raymond Burr has passed but if Tupac Shaker can keep releasing records 15 years after his death surely ABC can see its way clear to create a few new episodes of the finest television program to ever grace the American airwaves.
An 80-year old Miss America
I nominate Miss Carrie Nayshen from my seniors centre. At 88 she is classy, still has decent gams, looks fine in a swimsuit and plays the Star Spangled Banner on the harmonica with her nose. (And as an added bonus she won’t embarrass the country by having a damned sex tape surface 6 weeks after she’s crowned.)
Back in my day, we’d get on the blower, call our best gal and bump gums about the latest scat platters and how we’d be playing them at the next jolly up. It made sense damn it.
Nothing deters pesky impulses toward self-expression and breaks a young person’s spirit faster than a good old fashioned school uniform. Say goodbye to exposed underpants, hoochie momma shorts and moronic hoodies and force every young person into a pair of blue trousers, a white oxford shirt and a decent necktie regardless of whether they are attending school or not.
Senior Car Lanes
Give us seniors our own extra wide lanes with a 30 mph speed limit, large print stop signs, ample roadside rest areas and leave us to drive in peace for Christ’s sake.
Child Labour Laws
It seems to me that the standard of young people has been falling steadily ever since we pulled them out of factories, off the fields and started “protecting” them for damned employment. A 12-hour shift in a coal mine never hurt anyone and if it puts 50 cents in the pocket of a young person it’s good for the economy too.
I have 80 plus years of experience and yet some misguided 18-year old’s ballot carries just as much meaning as mine. It’s ludicrous. I should get one vote per decade and young people should stop voting altogether. They’re too naive, wide-eyed and idealistic to have any meaningful input into politics.
If there was ever a generation that didn’t belong in bikinis and speedos this would be it. Going to the beach is like visiting a plus-size pornographic movie set. It’s nothing but jiggly bits, thongs and exposed ass-cheeks. I say it’s time to bring back one-piece swimming costumes for men, modest bathing gowns for the ladies and return some decency to our public shorelines.
Senior Impunity Day*
All I ask for is one day in the year when an old man is free to pick up his cane and wallop whoever the Hell he wants, wherever he wants, as often as he wants. No questions asked.
Coming soon, things I’d like to see happen in 2010.
*(with thanks to reader, TJ, and his suggestion in an earlier comment thread for the introduction of “Delinquent Caning Day”).