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An Old Man’s Christmas Wish List

A senior citizen’s Christmas wish list for all of mankind…

New Episodes of Perry Mason

I realize that Raymond Burr has passed but if Tupac Shaker can keep releasing records 15 years after his death surely ABC can see its way clear to create a few new episodes of the finest television program to ever grace the American airwaves.

An 80-year old Miss America

I nominate Miss Carrie Nayshen from my seniors centre. At 88 she is classy, still has decent gams, looks fine in a swimsuit and plays the Star Spangled Banner on the harmonica with her nose. (And as an added bonus she won’t embarrass the country by having a damned sex tape surface 6 weeks after she’s crowned.)

Sensible Slang

Back in my day, we’d get on the blower, call our best gal and bump gums about the latest scat platters and how we’d be playing them at the next jolly up. It made sense damn it.

School Uniforms

Nothing deters pesky impulses toward self-expression and breaks a young person’s spirit faster than a good old fashioned school uniform. Say goodbye to exposed underpants, hoochie momma shorts and moronic hoodies and force every young person into a pair of blue trousers, a white oxford shirt and a decent necktie regardless of whether they are attending school or not.

Senior Car Lanes

Give us seniors our own extra wide lanes with a 30 mph speed limit, large print stop signs, ample roadside rest areas and leave us to drive in peace for Christ’s sake.

Child Labour Laws

It seems to me that the standard of young people has been falling steadily ever since we pulled them out of factories, off the fields and started “protecting” them for damned employment. A 12-hour shift in a coal mine never hurt anyone and if it puts 50 cents in the pocket of a young person it’s good for the economy too.

Weighted Voting

I have 80 plus years of experience and yet some misguided 18-year old’s ballot carries just as much meaning as mine. It’s ludicrous. I should get one vote per decade and young people should stop voting altogether. They’re too naive, wide-eyed and idealistic to have any meaningful input into politics.

Proper Swimwear

If there was ever a generation that didn’t belong in bikinis and speedos this would be it. Going to the beach is like visiting a plus-size pornographic movie set. It’s nothing but jiggly bits, thongs and exposed ass-cheeks. I say it’s time to bring back one-piece swimming costumes for men, modest bathing gowns for the ladies and return some decency to our public shorelines.

Senior Impunity Day*

All I ask for is one day in the year when an old man is free to pick up his cane and wallop whoever the Hell he wants, wherever he wants, as often as he wants. No questions asked.

Coming soon, things I’d like to see happen in 2010.

*(with thanks to reader, TJ, and his suggestion in an earlier comment thread for the introduction of “Delinquent Caning Day”).

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196 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:04 am

    I neglected to mention it in my post but would like to extend a birthday “shout-out” to Mary. (I hope I did that right. I never did figure out what a “shout out” was.)

    Happy birthday Mary. The older you get, the more I damned well like you.

    Don

    • Mary permalink
      1:22 am

      Thank you, Mr. Don!!! You just made my day. A shout out from you (which you did do correctly!) beats all the Facebook “happy bday” wall posts in the world.

      I’ll have to get in touch with some of my contacts about your wish list. Sensible slang and uniforms I can definitely work on, and it’ll be a pleasure to support the enactment of a Senior Impunity Day. It might not come in your lifetime, but when I’m a sexy old 85 year old lady, I’ll think of you when I wallop (what a wonderful word, by the way!) the snot out of some annoying person. (I didn’t say child, because there are plenty of annoying adults out there, too.)

      Thanks again for the birthday shout out!

      Mary

      • 2:26 am

        My pleasure Mary,

        I hope you had a wonderful birthday.

        Get to work on those contacts and if you can get Senior Impunity Day to the top of list I’d appreciate it. While it’s nice to know you’ll think of my when walloping a nogoodnik (regardless of age) I’d really love a chance to enjoy it myself.

        All the best.

        Don

  2. 12:06 am

    Ahhhh, your post is a delight, Don!
    Can it be a colorized version of Perry?
    High-fiving you on proper swimwear. My eyes! They’ve been bleeding ever since I went to the 1st Annual River Festival in Bullhead City.

    • 1:14 am

      Many thanks Jean has been Shopping,

      They colorized Perry Mason? Is nothing sacred. Raymond Burr was never meant to be seen in color. The man is nothing but different shades of gray and deep shadows. Plus, it’s easier to discern right from wrong when it’s presented in black and white. It’s also more dramatic.

      And thanks for the support on the swimwear. I don’t know what you saw at the River Festival in Bullhead City but I can’t imagine it was pleasant.

      Thanks again for visiting.

      Don

    • zeusiswatching permalink
      2:56 am

      “Ironsides” was the colorized Perry Mason. At least that’s how we looked at it around our house.

  3. 12:09 am

    I don’t know about Raymond Burr Mr mills, but I am sure you could dust off Angela Lansbury for another few Murder She Wrote eps before she keels. Hmm, maybe a Christmas murder special.

  4. 12:11 am

    Oh Mr Mills, I too forgot to mention you look very becoming in your Christmas attire…ho,ho,ho!

    • 1:17 am

      Many thanks frigginloon,

      I’d give my eye teeth (it’s easy, the pop right out) for some new episodes of Murder She Wrote. That Angela Landsbury is my kind of woman. Tough, sassy and a damned crime fighter too. She’s like a more appropriately attired wonder woman in my estimation.

      And thank you for noticing the hat. Just doing my damnedest to get into the holiday season.

      All the best and ho back at you.

      Don

    • ann permalink
      7:11 am

      Tiger’s response would be ,

      WHERE WHERE WHERE?

  5. Friar permalink
    12:22 am

    @Don

    I grew up in Montreal in the 1960’s with only two channels to watch on a black-and-white TV. So I never got to see Perry Mason in his prime.

    It makes me feel ripped off, like I’ve missed out on something. Because if the You-Tube videos mean anything, that looked liked a damned fine show.

    And I agree with weighted voting. Perhaps they should scale it not for age, but for intelligence.

    Oh well. Older people tend to be more intelligent than 18-year old headbangers, so it works out to the same thing anyway.

    • 1:26 am

      Thank you Friar,

      Montreal? Hell of a town. Funny, I had you pegged for a life-long Northern Ontario boy. My mistake.

      It was a fine show, Friar, and I expect you would have enjoyed it. Still, if you were growing up in Montreal in the 1980s you might have had the opportunity to watch reruns of the very fine “Hilarious House of Frightenstein”. That Billy Van was a fine actor too.

      But I digress.

      I’d be agreeable to the notion of scaling the voting to age and/or intelligence. As you point out, either way the older folks tend to win.

      All the best,

      Don

  6. Lily Fossil permalink
    12:51 am

    Dear Donald,

    Here is my Christmas present for you! Enjoy!

    http://www.dvdselect.tv/Mystery/332/Perry-Mason.html

    Lily

    • 1:28 am

      Lily!

      You’re too kind. My sincere thanks. I will be ordering them tonight.

      All the best,

      Don

  7. sensico permalink
    12:54 am

    80yr old Miss America? pfft…hopefully not in my lifetime😛 and let’s hope there’s no swimsuit competition ….
    and Weighted Voting, that’s crazy, if anything old people weigh less as they get older, with the young generation getting fatter, our votes should count more🙂

    Is ok if I just send you over from prune juice?

    • 1:34 am

      Sensico,

      Lovely to see you! Always a pleasure to have one of my favorite young people stop in. I certainly DO hope there is an 80-year old Miss America in your lifetime and, frankly, you should too.

      It’s time to end the Carrie Prejean parade of trollops, half-wits and bimbos and bring some class back to Miss America!

      All the best,

      Don

      p.s. Prune juice would be fine, thank you kindly.

      • downcastmysoul permalink
        8:09 pm

        I protest, wasn’t Carrie Prejean booted because of her strong Christian beliefs? Actually she would be the one I would want to win.

  8. Cecilia permalink
    1:16 am

    I found this blog really amazing when I came here for the first time and I still think it is really funny and has a lot of subtle sense of humour, for which I want to congratulate Donald. But I suppose people commit some mistakes sometimes…

    “A 12-hour shift in a coal mine never hurt anyone”…in “Child Labour Laws”,

    that was a little too much for my taste. I think you exagerated a bit, Donald. I know it was meant to be funny and amusingly shocking for some sensibilities, but this is serious. Shifts in coal mines HURT and children are not prepared to work, My mother worked in factories (they extracted oil from nuts) in northeast of Brazil where she was frequently burnt from the oil that was spilled from the machines, when she was only 12. You should not play with such things. maybe we that live in a different perspective find it weird and it sounds absurd, but lots of children work in terrible places in many parts of the world, I don’t know in North America, but many in South America, Africa and Asia. Thay have no right to education and have no life, as many of the children who can read this blog and who will become smart and educated adults to write in spaces like this. This sounded as too “north amarican alien joke”. I am sure you didn’t mean that.

    I’m sorry, but I think someone might be conscious enough to say this out loud, instead of saying compliments all the time.

    My best regards,

    Cecilia

    • 1:54 am

      Many thanks, Cecilia.

      I truly appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me on this subject – and for your very compelling comment. I am also very sorry to have offended you.

      Best regards,

      Don

      • cecilfso permalink
        2:05 am

        Hey Donald,
        I think I was a bit blind to the real joke here and apologize if I was too aggressive in my criticism… I was not able to appreciate the real joke: the one that tells everyone how terrible life is and how we need things as “Children Labour Laws”, you were asking for it as a Christmas present, although the text was saying the opposite… I just want to make clear that was not my intention to become another Miranda…:P Just needed to say that.

        Thanks for the reply and all,

        Cecilia

        • 2:16 am

          Cecilia,

          No need to apologize for your comment at all. It was very moving and I appreciated your sharing it with me.

          (But please, refrain from mentioning the “M” word).

          All the best,

          Don

    • 5:19 am

      Oh, Geez Louise, Cecilia….

      Lighten up.

      Look, I’m truly sorry for what your mother went through, and I certainly dont’ agree with the human rights abuses taking place in the Third World, especially with children.

      But Donald’s a decent chap. When he talks about making kids work a 12 hour shift in a coal mine, he’s not advocating child slavery. He’s commenting on today’s God-damned spoiled North American kids. And we all realize that…we’re not stupid.

      If we eliminated all hyperbole, sarcasm and off-color humor, and anything that could possibly be offensive, there woudlnt’ be anything left for Don to rant about, and I certainly don’t want to see that happen. Because I love Don’s rants.

      I know your intentions were good. But I suggest you let your hair down and relax, and enjoy this blog in the context in which it’s written. Like the rest of us do.

      Respectfully

      – Friar

  9. YellowRoses610 permalink
    1:24 am

    Oooh T.v shows I actually like.
    I remember faking sick for school on days Perry Mason marathons were on.
    I also love “Murder she wrote.”. when I was six I thought old ladies really did go around solving mysteries , and decided when I retired I would do that. Still might.

    How about new episoides of Samson and Son. That was also a good detective show.
    Also we need to dust off Humphrey Bogart or clone him or something, he played a damn good Sam Spade. Atleast I think that was him, I could be wrong

    • 2:39 am

      Many thanks Rose,

      I admit I was stumped for a minute at Samson and Son. All I could think of was Sanford and Son and I don’t recall that being a detective show. (It was damned funny though. “It’s the big one Elizabeth.” That Redd Foxx always cracked me up.)

      Anyway, (I’m having trouble stay on track tonight) I’ve never heard of Samson and Son and will have to look into it. If you see it as being in the same class as Perry Mason and Murder She Wrote than you’ve definitely peaked my interest.

      All the best Rose.

      Don

      • YellowRoses610 permalink
        12:33 am

        Maybe it was Sanford and son. I watched it when I was younger.
        It’s been a few years and anything before I was tweleve is a bit foggy.

  10. 1:25 am

    Mr. Mills, I’m wishing that you’re going to get off that wingback and run for office. You could easily steal the Senate office from that Reid fellow or even that nutcase Congresswomen Barney Frank. Although, you may have to loosen up that wrist if you want to get votes from that whacko’s district. I’m all for every single wish that you posted here. I can see you now on the Bill O’Reily show or being interviewed by Glen Beck. You’ve got my vote.

    • 2:01 pm

      Many thanks Catgod,

      I appreciate the thought but I tend to be a tad forgetful, often require an afternoon nap, have only a passing understanding of the economy and am woefully unqualified.

      Despite having all of the prerequisites for a successful career in public office, I’m just not interested. Besides, the old white man contingent appears to still be well represented in Washington.

      All the best and thanks for visiting,

      Don

  11. 1:49 am

    Thank-you, Don, for evoking great memories of Raymond Burr.

    It was THE VOICE that I remember so well; that calm, rational baritone laying everything out as it should be, edging closer to a truthful conclusion that seems so rare today.

    I was pretty young back then — just a kid pushing toys around as my parents watched the master at work — but that voice was like a favorite uncle who visited every week, often sending bad people to fry like fresh bacon strips on Sunday morning.

    Yes sir, good ol’ Perry could bring the fire . . . or send ’em to it. No bleeding heart pansy games or assembly line plea bargains for Counselor Mason. The man was a stone killer like Darth Vadar, if Vadar fought for the good guys and didn’t spend so much time in galaxies far, far away . . .

    Sorry for drifting there, Don. Your sense of humor and observations are deeply appreciated. Great laughs and food for thought!

    • Mary permalink
      4:29 am

      Yes, the VOICE! I would watch reruns with my mom when I was a kid, and I would recognize that voice anywhere. In fact, I still watch the reruns with my mom when I’m there. She wasn’t much more than a kid herself when Perry Mason was first on, maybe into her teenage years at the most.

      Raymond Burr was actually a pretty good looking fellow back in the day, with those wide shoulders and chest….

      • 4:57 pm

        THE VOICE Mary! THE VOICE! I’ll put Counselor Mason’s smooth speaking style up against Darth Vadar any old time!

        • Mary permalink
          1:34 am

          I don’t know that I would go that far, now, Dan. James Earl Jones has got it going on. But I’ll settle on letting them tie for best voice ever.

    • 2:01 pm

      Thank you kindly Dan,

      Well said, lad. There is no denying the power of the voice. Mr. Burr was a master and the world could do with a few more Perry Mason’s in its ranks.

      Thanks for the visit and the comment. I enjoyed that immensely.

      All the best,

      Don

  12. 2:14 am

    There has been a rumbling for years of the Lost Perry Mason Tapes buried somewhere on the land of Raymond Burr’s California vineyards…

    • 2:02 pm

      Many thanks morethananelectrician,

      You’ve given an old man hope for a Merry Christmas. I’d get to work immediately rounding up some seniors for an expedition to California but we tend to get nervous around shovels and the thought of digging holes in the ground.

      Perhaps you and some of your friends could make the trip for us. I can almost guarantee there would be baked goods for all upon your return.

      All the best,

      Don

  13. 2:32 am

    There should be public shuffleboard parks like there are local skateboard parks. There should be a spot designated exclusively for bocce ball.

    • 2:02 pm

      Thank you Ahmnodt,

      Damn right there should be designated shuffleboard parks. And they should bulldoze those skateboard parks to make them. Those infernal skateboards are the scourge of modern society.

      All the best,

      Don

    • Lily Fossil permalink
      5:19 am

      Somehow I think Ester Williams would be more to Donald’s tastes.

    • 2:03 pm

      Many thanks Yorksnbeans and Lily,

      A little racy but all in all, fine photos or decent young women. I appreciate your sharing them with me.

      All the best,

      Don

  14. robinaltman permalink
    3:53 am

    I love all the ideas, but school uniforms are my favorite. I just love a kid in a blue oxford. It would make shopping so easy: Spring – 5 blue oxfords, a striped tie, and 2 pairs of chinos. Winter – a couple of sweaters to put over the blue oxfords.

    I get light headed just thinking about it.

    • 2:53 pm

      Thanks for visiting Robertaltman,

      You make a fine point on shopping. A decent school uniform takes the guess work out of dressing the sprogs. And the earlier we can weed out the need for individuality, the better off they will be in the long run.

      All the best,

      Don

  15. 4:00 am

    Dear Don,

    1919 had some darned colorful bathing suits.
    http://www.shorpy.com/node/3311?size=_original

    It seems that 1928 was a very good year for bathing suits.
    http://www.shorpy.com/node/186?size=_original

    Or the hotties from 1926 sitting on a huge chunk of ice?
    http://www.shorpy.com/node/3648?size=_original

    I am in wholehearted agreement with you on Senior Impunity Day.

    All the best,
    mcnorman

    • 2:54 pm

      Many thanks McNorman,

      We’re getting quite the assortment of saucy pictures here. Not sure my Aggie would have approved but I appreciate your sharing them with me.
      I hope to see you at the “Seniors Impunity Day” rally. Bring a sign and a good walloping cane.

      Best regards,

      Don

      • 8:03 pm

        Dear Don,

        Can’t wait for “Seniors Impunity Day!” I just have to decide which cane to bring along. 😉

        Regards,

        mcnorman

  16. 4:46 am

    I am glad I stumbled across such a sensible blogger!

    • 2:55 pm

      Thanks for the kind words, bmj2, and for visiting.

      Hope to hear from you again.

      Best regards,

      Don

  17. 5:28 am

    My old grammy used to make me watch Perry Mason when I was a youngster and I thought it was damned fine entertainment. Since she set my standards so high, I find it difficult to watch the inane programs they put on TV now. All these reality shows, and the people whining about how difficult their life is now that they are making millions of dollars a year. I say 12 hours in a coal mine is just what Jon & Kate Goselin need.

    (Carrie Prejean was Miss USA not Miss America. If Donald Trump can’t pick a decent toupee, how can he be expected to pick a role model for young girls.)

    • 2:57 pm

      Thank you yellowcat,

      You old grammy sounds like a wise woman and was obviously a good influence on you. I couldn’t agree more with your assessment of modern television programs and Donald Trump. Send the Goselins, the Trumps and the rest of them off to a coal mine and give us all a much deserved rest.

      And thank you for clarifying that Miss Prejean business. I don’t pay as much attention to “bathing beauties” as I used to. That will change when they crown my dear friend Carrie Nayshen.

      Many thanks for visiting,

      Don

  18. 7:17 am

    You don’t have Senior Impunity Day over there? Come on down to the Gimcrack Don, you can use your stick as much as you like on the days that have “r” in them. Truly.

    • 2:57 pm

      Thank you Nursemyra,

      Sounds intriguing but I’m worried this is a just bait to lure an old man into a prison for old people. The cane whacking, puppet shows and apple pie Sundays sound good on paper but they never tell you about the straight jackets and cattle prods until its too late.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in, Nursemyra.

      Don

  19. 7:55 am

    I could be wrong, but I think Carrie Nayshen (cute btw) has her own real hips, which is a big plus. All great ideas Don.

    • 2:58 pm

      Thanks Fundamentaljelly,

      I believe you are correct. Miss Nayshen is all 100% original parts. Hard to find in a woman these days no matter what her age. (And you’re right, she is damned cute).

      Thanks for visiting.

      Best regards,

      Don

  20. makya20 permalink
    9:19 am

    Here’s my best offer – you get the car lanes, we get to keep bikinis.

    • 1:00 am

      Many thanks Makya20,

      Sounds like a reasonable offer and one I would be happy to accept. If you would be willing to keep the bikinis off the beaches and behind closed doors – all the better.

      Always a pleasure to negotiate a mutually beneficial arrangement.

      Best regards,

      Don

  21. Catherine permalink
    10:02 am

    Good morning, Don.

    As usual you talk a lot of sense. Senior-only roads are are great idea but I am somewhat concerned about ‘scat platters’. Please put my mind at rest.

    • 1:16 am

      Nice of you to visit Catherine,

      No need to be concerned, I assure you. A Scat platter was simply a new jazz record.

      All the best,

      Don

  22. Kate permalink
    10:24 am

    Dear Don,
    Brilliant post!
    Ms Carrie Nayshen wouldn’t be a descendant of Carrie Nation by any chance? If she is, one hopes that she didn’t inherit too much.

    We have senior car lanes where I live (they’re painted green and are called ‘bike lanes’ ) but are commonly used by our senior citizens, many of whom claim that they were here before the bikes and the lycra louts, dammit.

    One of my brood, when she was six, wrote a letter to Santa: “Dear Santa, Please bring me for Christmas a wishing well so I can make wishes.”

    For Christmas Don, I wish for you a giant wishing well!

    • 1:21 am

      Many thanks Kate,

      I’m not sure if they are related or not but they have the same jowls and both favor hatchets…so I suppose it might be possible.

      Thanks for the tip on the bike lanes. I had wondered what the hell those odd green lanes all about. I just assumed it was a “grace space” for when you get tired and start to veer off the road. I’ll have to pay more attention in future.

      And, finally, thanks for the christmas wish. It’s a damned nice thought and I appreciate it.

      All the best,

      Don

  23. 10:40 am

    I love your list! It’s all very reasonable. Even my 12 year old Son would like nothing more than a repeal of the labor laws. How’s that for a child raised correctly?!

    Is there an age limit on the walloping? ‘Cause I’m 39, and use a cane occasionally, and would LOVE to walloping a few people. I’d vote for a once a month holiday for that!

    Shelli @ Shaking The Tree

    • 10:49 am

      I need to start typing with my glasses on. I meant to say I would LOVE to wallop (not walloping) a few people!

      • 1:25 am

        Thanks kindly for the comment Shelli,

        Glad to hear you’re raising yourself a sensible son. When he’s ready to work feel free to send him my way. I’m not able to do yard work like I used to and am always looking for decent lad to employ.

        Now, as for Senior Impunity Day (hereafter known as SID), I’d like to allow you to participate but I think we need to draw the line at age 65. While I appreciate that you use a cane, and are obviously a sensible woman, we can’t open this up to abuse. Still, while you may have to wait, just imagine how sweet it will finally be when you arrive at 65 and get to unload on some punk without recourse.

        All the best,

        Don

  24. 12:00 pm

    As a Goddess, and that’s as close to Santa, or Jesus for that matter, that one can come, I’ll work on fulfilling some of your wishes. You look so spry in that new hat that I’m wondering if you’d settle for a young chick like me? I’m a bit off from 80 but at 55 I can still fulfill most of your wishes. And, I love Perry Mason- I could play Della? And, lets not forget Matlock.. that’s a pretty good show.
    If you’re interested, you know where to find me!

    • 1:31 am

      Many thanks delicate flowers,

      My goodness, I knew I shouldn’t have worn that hat. Ever since I put it on I’ve been getting strange looks from the ladies on the bus and at the seniors centre. At first I assumed I had some old tuna fish on my chin but based on the lascivious glances and now your comment, I’m beginning to suspect that it is sending out the message that Don Mills is active, attractive and looking for love.

      While I appreciate the offer (especially given your goddess status and tender age), as I’ve said before, I remain ever faithful to the memory of my deceased wife Aggie. There’ll never be another woman for me.

      Regardless, anything you can do on fulfilling those wishes would be greatly appreciated.

      Best regards and thanks for visiting with an old man,

      Don

  25. 3:38 pm

    You almost make me wish I were into older men…it’d be you, Don.

    http://GoodWitchBadWitch.com

  26. 4:06 pm

    I don’t want a 30 MPH speed limit, Mr. M. I’m thinking we should be allowed to use our own wisdom (the same wisdom that would allow us multiple votes) to decide our own speed. Maybe we could have a device to shoot out the tires of tailgaters. . . ? They annoy me.

    Perry Mason and Jessica Fletcher… ah, if only they had met and mated. Sorry, I realize that’s an indecent thought, but think how safe we’d feel with their offspring in charge of Homeland Security.

    • 1:47 am

      Nice to hear from you merrilymarylee,

      I’m not opposed to the notion of establishing our own speed limits. Actually, when I come to think of it, that’s much what I’ve been doing for the past 20 years anyway. And I like the idea of a seniors speed sign that just says “Whatever you thinks best.” So, thank you for the fine idea.

      Tailgaters annoy me as well but I’m hoping with the seniors lane there wouldn’t be any need for guns, fancy lazers or nasty hand gestures any longer.

      And you’re right about Perry Mason and Jessica Fletcher. I’d sleep much better at night if their offspring were in charge.

      All the best and thanks again for the fine idea.

      Don

  27. 5:36 pm

    This is a brilliant list, Don. I only wish I’d read it earlier, seeing as I already bought your Christmas gifts.

    Here’s what I bought you-

    -Long johns

    -Canned preserves

    -Seasons 1-3 of “The Trouble With Tracy”

    -“Good Shabbas” video (courtesy of FS)

    -“Transferrable Cemetery Plot” (same idea as a time share and can be reserved in almost any graveyard within Canada and most of the United States.) *must pay annual maintenance fee

    -your own Wikipedia page

    -a pair of sensible shoes

    -Christmas jammies- http://www.silverts.com/show.cfm/product/50050-open-back-cotton-adaptive-nightgown

    -C.M. Coolidge painting (guess which one!)

    -Tin of Shortbread (to get you through next Christmas)

    -Long distance calling card (so you can bump gums about the latest scat platters with your friends overseas)

    -Pack of Good N’ Plenty (for your stocking)

    -“Do-It-Yourself Guide” to creating latest shadow puppets

    -$50 gift certificate for http://www.maree-medical.com/E_frame.html?http://www.maree-medical.com/Incontinence-Swimwear-E_grp_40-1.html (may not be “proper” swimwear, but close enough)

    *Don, please keep in mind that I can exchange “The Trouble With Tracy” for Perry Mason. Or I can exchange it all for an Impunity Day (your call).

    • 1:58 am

      My goodness Bschooled,

      Your generousity is quite remarkable. All this on top of the macaroni paintings, assorted sculptures and free copies of Auntie D books. I’m deeply moved.

      And it looks like it will be busy Christmas for me after all. I can already see myself sitting back in my long johns with a nice piece of shortbread, watching an episode of “The Trouble With Tracy” while making shadow puppets and deciding which state to bless with my remains. And old school Christmas if there ever was one.

      All the best and thanks again,

      Your friend,

      Don

  28. 6:10 pm

    I am all for luxury lanes–I am not retirement yet but am old enough.

    Clever blog you have here.

  29. 6:23 pm

    hmmm…for some reason I think the kids these days still use similar slang.

    “Getting on the blower” just means something different than it did in your day.

    • 2:01 am

      Many thanks Bearman,

      Means something different? Curious.

      I don’t know what it might be but I’m fairly sure it’s not slang for operating a leaf blower or using a snow blower? Am I close Bearman?

      All the best,

      Don

  30. 6:56 pm

    I’m so excited! This week, two people I regularly read have shown up on the wordpress front page as “Best Blogs of Today”. I must have excellent taste.

    Today Mr. Mills, you have something to be less crabby about.

    Kudos to you!

  31. 8:10 pm

    Perry Mason – Wasn’t he the bloke who had to carry all those cases around with him? It must have been the weight of those that did his back in, and confined him to a wheelchair in later life, where he was forced to change his name to copperbottom, or similar.
    Anyway, he was before my time. I do remember a young tosspot by the name of Perry Groves who used to play for Arsenal, you don’t mean him do you? If you do, then I can’t honestly approve of extra showings of his dire performances.

    Miss America – I suppose at Carrie’s age it will take more than 6 weeks of creaking and groaning to churn out a halfway indecent sex tape; let’s give here acouple of months, shall we?

    Slang – this ‘bumping gums’ sounds damn sexy in a geriatric sort of way. Will it feature in Carrie’s video?

    School uniforms – Now you’re talking! All those teenage girls in their matching, skimpy little……. Oh dear… give me a minute will you?

    Senior car lanes – right! that’s let’s get back to the matter in hand, or no longer in hand as the case may be… oh shit…you know what I mean. If you’re having your own lanes, can it be fenced off to stop you using ours, when one of you decides to take a nap (or croaks it), thus blocking your lane?

    Child labour – get the workshy little buggers out there grafting and paying taxes. We can then lower the retirement age to 45. Indonesia and Vietnam have got the right idea.

    Weighted voting – I like it! No-one under the age of 25 should qualify for their starting quarter vote until they can write out the opening three chapters of Dickens’ “A tale of two cities”, without using text speak, LOLcats language, or falling asleep. That should narrow it down a bit.

    Swimwear – I’m not sure about this one. Think of the terrible chafing……

    Impunity – Ah! The nub of the matter. I presume all the above wishes are negotiation points, to be discarded against granting of this one. Good move, oldster – good move, you wily old git!

    • 2:20 am

      Nobblysan!

      A damned fine comment, lad. You’re obviously a skilled negotiator and saw through my oh-so-clever ploy. Of course Senior Impunity Day was all I ever really cared about – the rest was mere window dressing (and dodgy window dressing at that – while I stand by my comments about Carrie Nayshen’s fine gams, she did lead a rather flamboyant lifestyle back in the 1940s and 1950s.)

      Thanks for stopping in Nobbly! Always a treat to hear from you.

      All the best,

      Don

  32. 8:31 pm

    I’m up for the “senior impunity day” – it’s only fair, and the youngsters are still free to dodge. But seniors are so ignored by society these days indeed – on this day, they’d surely be noticed.

    They could do a “Perry Mason vs Nero Wolfe” flick…!
    Great blog, wise humour. Cheers and happy wallopin’ holidays.

    • 2:22 am

      Many thanks faltese malcon,

      I appreciate your stopping in and your support of Senior Impunity Day.

      I may just suggest we include the line “the youngsters are free to dodge” in our lobbying materials. Not only is it pithy, it also paints a more balanced picture of the day. It’s family fun, damn it.

      All the best and thanks for the kind words.

      Don

  33. 8:36 pm

    By the way, Mr Mills – you’ve nearly caught us up.

    309,ish plays 310,ish.

    Glasses of sherry all round when you pass us. Hurrah for Mr Mills!

    • 9:23 pm

      That’s pint glasses, by the way.

      …and it’s your round.

      • 2:26 am

        Thanks Nobby,

        I may temporarily catch up to the Mad Hatters in numbers, but never in quality.

        Have 2 pints and send the bill to my brother York. Or better yet, Alan Truitt. He’s rolling in money.

        All the best

        Don

  34. 8:52 pm

    Mr Mills

    That list is more then a few things…..so here is my retort sir

    You mean new episodes of Ironsides right!! nothing better then a private dick in a wheelchair…

    I am good with an 80 yr old Ms America provided we pass on the swimsuit portion and instead have a trivia contests about Presidents of the 19th Centruty

    Senior Lanes..that’s a no…yall should stick to bus passes and electric scooters..traffic is bad enough with all the blue hairs on the road..

    The rest you can have because if we dont let you have them you are going to wind challenging the young people to a dual…then all hell will break loose….happy holidays Don…and very happy new year..thanks for the laughs this year keep them coming….and for crissakes take your gerital zman sends

    • 1:38 pm

      Many thanks Zman,

      A fine retort, lad, but you’ve missed the mark on a couple of points.

      I’d be okay with some new Ironsides episodes as well and agree that quizzing the ladies on 19th Century Presidents is a fine way to select our national beauty queen but would suggest the swimwear portion of the competition should remain. If clad in a decent bathing costume, an 80-year old woman can still cut a fine figure.

      And we’ve debated senior driving skills before but I maintain that I’d rather share the road with a 90-year old “blue hair” than some testosterone fuelled hooligan with a cell phone and belief in his own immortality.

      All the best Zman. As always, good to hear from you.

      Best regards,

      Don

  35. 9:03 pm

    I loved Perry Mason! I loved the black and whites and the color episodes. This generation needs more Jack Benny. lol. Most of the comedians in this day and age are not worth watching.

    • 1:39 pm

      Thanks for visiting Nikki.

      I agree with you on Mr. Benny. A damned fine comedian.

      All the best,

      Don

  36. 9:31 pm

    Don

    I like your festive Santa Hat, but the fur seems a tad grayish. I think it could use a gentle wash in the old Maytag.

    I seem to recall, Lily commented about your hat last week, too. I think she would agree.

    • 1:39 pm

      Thanks Friar,

      The gray has been an issue ever since I started doing my own laundry. I just can’t seem to get my whites their whitest. I’ll pop out this morning, pick up some woolite and see what I can do.

      All the best,

      Don

  37. 9:36 pm

    Homeboy is a knob. Back in your bed.

    • 1:38 pm

      Hey!

      Don’t blow your wig, Bruno. I may be off the cob but there’s no need to be an Abercrombie and wigwack the Alamo.

      And I’m damned serious.

      Best regards,

      Don

  38. Micky-T permalink
    10:29 pm

    How do you do Mr. Mills? What a pleasure to meet you here on these internets and satilite signals. I must say I don’t miss getting up to *turn* the channel to watch Perry Mason, pushing the channel is much easier, it just doesn’t have the same ring to it does it? Kind of like going to the *cash* register to ring up your purchase, when’s the last time you *heard* a register ring? I sure do miss the penny candy store on the way home from school, “yes sir, I would like two cents worth of them malted milk balls please”.
    See you around!

    • 1:43 pm

      Many thanks Micky T,

      A fine comment, lad. I miss the ring of the old cash register. There was something about the typewriter-style keys, the heavy cash drawer and the ring that added some seriousness to a transaction.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  39. Wink Cheeseburgers permalink
    12:15 am

    What are ‘gams’?

  40. Wink Cheeseburgers permalink
    12:29 am

    Can you sort out the unfinished parentheses and lack of full stop (‘period’ in your Newe Worlde Englishe, although how you distinguish between that and the curse of womanhood I have no idea) in the ‘Forgetful? Subscribe to Don’ part of your blog.

    I really can’t stand carelessness, inattention to detail and poor punctuation in crabbyoldfarts.

    • 1:48 pm

      Thanks Wink Cheeseburgers,

      I can’t decide whether you’re a world class editor, the ghost of Chaucer or high on the methamphetamine. Regardless, I can’t understand a damned thing you said. Sorry, lad.

      And if you need to ask what “gams” are, you’re too young to know the answer.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  41. 12:44 am

    “Senior Impunity Day”

    I like this one, it reminds me somewhat of my proposition for “Delinquent Caning Day” which I suggested in your post regarding the International Day of Older Persons 2009. If you remembered, and indeed took to heart(and used) that idea, consider me sincerely moved.

    • 1:38 am

      TJ,

      My apologies, lad. I entirely forgot about “Delinquent Caning Day” but obviously the notion stayed with me and evolved into Senior Impunity Day. Had it been a conscious decision to use your idea I can assure you I would have credited you and sought your permission beforehand.

      I’m terribly sorry if I inadvertantly stole your fine idea. As the young people say “I don’t roll in that direction.”

      I’ve amended the post and credited you for the idea.

      Sincere apologies TJ

      • 1:53 am

        Do not punish yourself too much, Mr. Mills. I am quite happy as long as someone advocates arbitrary educational violence against the seniority-impaired.

        Thank you none the less.

        -TJ

  42. 12:49 am

    All wonderful suggestions, Don. I think the Impunity Day should be celebrated weekly, if not daily. I can think of hundreds of youngsters I’d like to send over for a celebratory caning. That good-for-nothing Chad Kroeger for one.

    I’ll bet you could raise some quick rye money by combining a few requests. Start with the school uniforms. Put those on some appropriately sexy “schoolgirls” and then send them round the back for some playful “caning.”

    If you kept your hat on the whole time, I think you could double your daily take. That’s got to be broadsiding about 3-5 different fetishes in one afternoon.

    Take care, Don. Rest that caning arm.

    • 2:40 pm

      Thank you CLT,

      As is normally the case, I find your comment both intriguing and genuinely disturbing. It’s a rare gift, lad, and I appreciate it.

      While the notion of a weekly SID is both warranted and laudable, I’m troubled by the notion that some may twist my interest in returning common decency to our society into some sort of kinky unpleasantness.

      It seems that young people have an uncanny knack for taking a combination of simple pleasures and innocent props and turning them into base nastiness. It used to be that if you gave a young person a feather duster and a hoola hoop, they cleaned the house and then went outside to play. Nowadays, I can only imagine what the Hell they’d get up to.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  43. Clifton L. Tanager permalink
    1:09 am

    Don –

    You make an excellent point on today’s swimwear. Nowadays nothing is left to the imagination which would be ok, except that in most cases you’d rather have the option to “fantasize” when something that outweighs their swimwear by a ratio of 1,120-to-1 comes strolling by.

    Back when I was younger, everything was left to the imagination. We were led to believe that all children were either adopted or formed thru cellular mitosis. (Note to the kids: this “cellular” has nothing to do with those glorified walkie-talkies you all seem to insist life would be impossible without. I can only imagine how society would split at the seams if you had to talk face-to-face with your classmates or take a saucy Polaroid of yourself and send it via mail to your boyfriend[s].)

    This was carried on all the way until some formative experiences in the Korean Theater. (Note to the kids: this is like your average multiplex if instead of seats you had vicious wildlife and instead of fellow moviegoers you had people trying to kill you.) Most of us had never seen anything above the Tropic of Capricorn, if you follow me. (Mid-thigh, if you don’t.)

    Our sergeant rounded us up during some much-needed R&R and offered to bus us all downtown to the local red light district, where he said that the ladies there would “give it to us six ways til Sunday.”

    What he failed to impart was that “it” was highly-infectious and required a stiff regimen of daily shots and nightly prayer. We were returned to service, slightly worse for wear and itching like hell slightly above the Tropic of Capricorn. We were given a steady diet of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes and Jack Chick tracts and spent many hours rehearsing elaborate cover stories for our infected nether regions.

    There’s a good reason those areas are covered up. Lord knows, you put enough of the goodies on display and the boys will be all over them like herpes on a toilet seat.

    What I have learned is that sex is nobody’s business. If we all minded our own, we’d all be scar-free and able to urinate without feeling as though we were voiding lava.

    Thanks for keeping everyone on the straight and narrow, Don. It seems harsh but it’s for the best.

    Sincerely,
    C.L. Tanager

    • 3:16 pm

      My dear Clifton,

      Thank you so much for your comment. A damned gripping read.

      The more I read of your experiences in the Korean conflict and of your vast experience as a savvy and ruthless industrialist the more I come to realize how deeply our education system is failing the young.

      It’s time to fire the damned tree-hugging, chino-clad, “I wanna be your buddy” teachers. What this nation needs are men like you in the classrooms – imparting wisdom, sharing stories and generally scaring the Hell out of young people. Men who are prepared to beat sense into them with sharp words and dull rulers.

      You’d be doing the nation a favor if you’d consider it Clifton. A damned big favor.

      All the best and thank you.

      Regards,

      Don

    • downcastmysoul permalink
      9:34 pm

      Chick tracts rock.

  44. 1:23 am

    i hate to be the one to break it to you, don, but i just heard on cnn that miss carrie nayshen had an affair with tiger woods.

    • 3:17 pm

      Thank you Nonnie,

      CNN? Isn’t that the sitcom about a group of people who work at a news channel? It’s a damned funny show. I especially like that actor who plays Wolf Blitzer (where do the writers come up with those names?).

      All the best Nonnie and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  45. sectorfoxtrot permalink
    1:33 am

    You are actually quite right about todays generation.

  46. 2:00 am

    Weighted voting!

    Each decade, more weight. We could stop changing the world.😉

    • 3:19 pm

      Thank you Pamela,

      That’s exactly what I was hoping for. A glorious notion, don’t you think?

      Best regards,

      Don

  47. pandabox33 permalink
    2:06 am

    Please be my grandpa ?

    • 3:19 pm

      Thanks pandabox33,

      If it’s a question, I can assure you that – no – I am not your grandpa. I tend to rememember those things.

      If it’s a request, well I appreciate the offer but hope you will understand when I say I’ve had my fill of family. Besides, being a grandchild is a tough job. You have to grudgingly visit once a year, forget to call and send lousy birthday cards 3 months late.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  48. 3:11 am

    First time visitor but it won’t be my last. This is a great post. Very funny and I love Perry Mason, Emergency and Barnaby Jones too. Would you ever consider doing a guest post for another site?

    • 3:21 pm

      Tom Baker…Doctor Who? Is that really you?

      I have to say of all the Doctors you were my damned favorite. Thanks for visiting.

      And thanks for mentioning Barnaby Jones. Another fine television program that I would love to see return to the airwaves. Unfortunately, like so many fine actors of his generation, Mr. Buddy Ebsen has passed as well.

      I’m not sure I’d have much to contribute to another site, Mr. Baker, or the time to do it. I appreciate the offer though and will be sure to drop by and visit you. I have to say your name and web address are both rather intriguing.

      All the best and thanks for the kind words and for visiting,

      Don

  49. 3:11 am

    Wuts going on here? Grandpa thinks his thoughts matter? O_o

    • 3:21 pm

      Thank you kindly vodkabeforenoon.

      I have to say I resent being called “Grandpa.” I’m not your grandpa nor do I want to be. I’m not sure who lays claim to that particular honor but I’m sure he’s very proud.

      Now, be a good lad and call me “Mr. Mills” or “Sir”. It may be tough at first but you’ll feel better about yourself once you start showing respect for your elders. Within 6 months you’ll be sitting up straight and have significantly fewer spots too. It’s been proven over and over again.

      It’s never too late to turn your life around, lad. Get cracking.

      Warm regards,

      Mr. Donald Mills.

      • 9:47 pm

        Sir, I have no idea what you mean by ‘lad’ as clearly to be seen by my recent post I am a saucy lady that likes grandpas!

        Your Fancy Lady,

        anlimarey

        http://anlimarey.wordpress.com/2009/12/15/12152009/

        • 12:13 am

          Good Christ! I don’t know how much vodka one needs to consume before noon in order to concoct that sort of nightmare but I assume it’s more than a damned quart.

          The stuff nightmares are made of.

          Don

          p.s. sorry for assuming you were a lad.

          • 7:12 pm

            Mr. Mills,
            Fear me for I had no vodka when drawing that. I am far worse when intoxicated. I take what you say as a compliment. Thank you and have a nice day.

            anlimarey

  50. Debbi permalink
    3:31 am

    I’d love to see more Perry Masons, too. I’m glad to hear you want more of him, rather than Matlock.

    • 3:22 pm

      Many thanks Debbi.

      I’m glad we agree on Perry. I have to admit, though, that I wouldn’t say no to a some new Matlocks as well. Another fine program in my estimation.

      All the best,

      Don

  51. 4:50 am

    Mr. Mills, I have thoroughly enjoyed your blog and quite agree with much of what you’ve said. Uniforms would not only ensure we’d be free of future Brittnay’s forgetting ‘pants’ and the world knowing it as she steps from her car, but it would certainly cut down on school violence, as everyone would be equal while there.

    As for seniors receiving their own car lane, I’m all for that, as well. My 92 year old uncle passed away just a few, short weeks while behind the wheel. He’d had a bit too much to drink and crashed his car into another after passing out. Thankfully, the people he hit were treated with only minor injuries (though he did total their car), but sadly, he died as the result of his own poor choices.

    I look forward to reading more of your thoughts…

    Tara

    • 5:49 pm

      Tarasdismalnitch,

      My condolences on the loss of your uncle. The circumstances are entirely regrettable and thankfully the others involved weren’t more seriously injured.

      Thank you for your kind words and support of the school uniform issue.

      I hope to hear from you again.

      All the best,

      Don

  52. Beth permalink
    9:27 am

    I think you have a fine Christmas list. I really like the car lane idea! I can’t tell you how many times an older person has pulled out infront of me! And miss America… Couldn’t agree more! I was friends with a pagent girl once… When the crown comes off the skirts hike up and the claws come out!

    • 5:50 pm

      Thank you Beth,

      That’s quite an image you paint, young lady. Skirts up and claws out! Sounds like an unsavory square dance call. Many thanks for the comment and for stopping in to say hello.

      Best regards,

      Don

  53. lookingforsomethingtofind permalink
    12:20 pm

    Just found this blog today, I have to say it really is great. The proper swim wear part made me really laugh, and it is so true. I’m a bit portly myself right now, trying to get into shape, and so many people don’t realize what they shouldn’t wear, it looks like the end of a Fellini movie. Great blog Don you definitely have a new fan.

    • 5:50 pm

      Many thanks lookingforsomethingtofind,

      That Fellini comment is damned apt. I’ve seen some swimwear that goes beyond the indecent and into the surreal. I appreciate the very kind words and thank you for stopping in.

      All the best,

      Don

  54. momromp permalink
    1:47 pm

    Oh, Don. This was the greatest piece of writing I’ve read in a long time. I know you don’t care for young people (and for the most part, that’s completely understandable), but do you mind having a 32-year-old fan?

    • 5:51 pm

      Thank you kindly momromp,

      That’s a very kind comment. Thank you. 32 is still awfully young (and you look younger in your picture) but the fact that you find my distaste for the young “understandable” certainly suggests that you’ve got a good head on your shoulders.

      Thank you again for the comment and for stopping in to visit.

      Best regards,

      Don

  55. 5:10 pm

    Damn Donald,

    I’m so exhausted from scrolling through your 50 billion comments, I don’t remember now what I was going to say!

    So, I’ll just say: I agree with you, whatever your post said. Yes indeedy!

    Now I must nap.

    • 7:39 pm

      Many thanks Carol,

      Always a pleasure to have you stop in. Sorry for the lateness of my reply but as I’m sure you guessed – I was napping too.

      All the best,

      Don

  56. jammer5 permalink
    5:34 pm

    Ahhh . . . for the days of Perry, Peter Gunn, The Jack Benny show, Maverick, Gunsmoke . . .
    Once saw an elderly lady attempting to relive her younger years by wearing a thong bikini. Had she not weighed around 3 big ones, at which stage the thong has a habit of disappearing, it might have gone half over, but as it was, I was traumatized for about a week. Some things should just stay with youth.

    • 7:44 pm

      Many thanks Jammer,

      All fine programs. Especially Perry and the Jack Benny show. They just don’t make them like they used to.

      That’s a damned grim image you paint regarding the portly old lass and her thong bikini. Personally, I’d consider yourself lucky that you were only traumatized for a week. A sight like that can leave psychological scars that never truly heal.

      All the best, Jammer.

      Don

      • 12:12 am

        I lived in the beach community of Pacific Beach in San Deago, CA for awhile. Needless to say, clothing was of little use during the summer, which can make for some sights one can only imagine in old showings of Elvira movies. I was at safeway market doing my weekly shopping when another rather portly female, again in a thing bikini, sat on the tubes of biscuits. I have yet to purchase a tube of biscuits since that episode, and probably never will. Just the thought of the sight of tubes of biscuits disappearing into her nether regions is enough to make me swear off biscuits forever. Good old sour dough bread is good enough for me now.

        • 7:08 pm

          Sorry for the delay in responding, Jammer, but I was busy burning my biscuits and disinfecting my kitchen cupboards. Not only will I never eat biscuits again, I’m not feeling too good about a loaf of sour dough at the moment.

          All the best,

          Don

  57. hisqueen permalink
    10:18 pm

    If I may say it all in just one word…YES..to all of the above.
    Uniforms are great..My babysitter has to work at her fathers store during the busy seasons. She is 14 and gets paid with pop and chips.. I told her it builds good character and a fine work ethic.

    Psst. we love the Poiret, Magnum PI, Columbo, Twilight Zone and Monk..I also started getting him into Murder She Wrote. Of Course, Hitchcock goes with it all as well.

    • 7:35 pm

      Thank you hisqueen,

      I trust you are keeping well and prepared for the holiday season.

      Your babysitter will most certainly benefit from the exposure to work and a decent work ethic. You’re absolutely right – it’s a character builder.

      All the best,

      Don

  58. 11:53 pm

    Dragnet.

  59. 2:31 pm

    I can never understand why American school kids don’t wear school uniforms. We have ’em here in Australia, as far as I know, in every school. Sure, kids might not wear them properly, and you may get the occasional pair of boxers hanging out from time to time, but we do have school uniforms.

    The great thing about them is when you wake up on a school day, you don’t have to worry about what to wear ’cause you only just have to wear the uniform.

    • 7:02 pm

      Many thanks Danica,

      Nice to see that there are still some sensible corners of the world remaining. Young people should be focusing on their times tables, not on what color tube top to wear.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  60. 10:08 pm

    Hi Mr. Mills—What this country needs are more ladies like Esther Willliams, a gal who looked fabulous in a one-piece swimsuit with a “modesty panel” across the front. Not only did she look great without having to have a Brazilian wax first, she could swim circles (literally and figuratively) around Fernando Lamas. A damn fine woman. When I first saw “Million Dollar Mermaid” back in the ’50s, I was mere lass, but I was impressed with her class and athleticism. Nowadays, there is no classiness and a gal is considered athletic if she can run 100 yards without her breast implants knocking her unconscious.

    All the best,
    Melissa

    • 7:05 pm

      My sincere thanks texastrailerparktrash,

      How very well said! Thank you. You’ve summed it up absolutely perfectly.

      All the best.

      Don

  61. 12:20 am

    Mr. Mills—Sorry about the extra “l” in Esther Williams. It’s too damn cold today and the arthritis in my fingers causes them to lock up on me when typing, thus causing the letter to be repeated. That never would have happened on my old manual Underwood typewriter. (Kids today just don’t appreciate the fact that before the advent of computers, you could type up a whole college report only to find that you left out a paragraph in the beginning, necessitating a complete re-do. But I digress…)

  62. David permalink
    4:02 pm

    Some fine ideas there Mr. Mills

    >>>the latest scat platters

    However, Iwould have never believed you were into scat if you hadn’t written it yourself. I am more than a little bit shocked that you would admit that – Not to be judgmental but I guess whatever floats your boat goes.

    • York Mills permalink
      8:14 pm

      Hee hee…

      This is some darn fine scat.

    • 5:34 pm

      Thank you David.

      Always nice to see you drop in. I admit that an interest in “scat” may come as a slight surprise. I’m not normally known for my exotic proclivities or adventurous nature. But you really can’t deny good jazz.

      All the best,

      Don

      • David permalink
        2:22 am

        Oh, you were talking about jazz…..that kind of scat.

        I love me some jazz.

  63. 5:01 pm

    Don,
    If you could get all ramped up on Viagra (small pun intended), which of the Kardashian girls would you be most likely to bang? You get to choose between Khloe, Kourtney, Kim, and Kobe. Personally, I would do the ugly one because she seems more needy. Thanks in advance for your answer. TL

    • 11:11 pm

      Dear Tannerleah,

      Let me give you a word of advice that’s been passing through my family since Jesus was an unconvinced idea:

      Ugly girls make the best lay. Because they never know if it’s their last one.

      Holiday Greetings,
      Frankelstache

      P.S. and needless to say – this advice has been applied, tested and proven correct by my ancestors, and by yours truly – on 3 1/2 different occasions.

      • Lily Fossil permalink
        11:25 pm

        Messrs Tannerleah and Frankelstache,

        Before you get too carried away, let me just say, that I find your comments rather sexist and I’m sure Mr Mills does not want sexism rearing its ugly head on his wonderful blog.

        Lily Fossil

        • 12:23 am

          Lily is right.

          Sexism should only be rearing it’s ugly head on Tannerleah’s blog. And Franklestache’s.

          And sometimes mine (which I admit is a little odd considering…).

          But not Don’s!

          • 1:24 am

            What about at “The Baby Jesus’ Rhyming Couplet Blog”?

            Something needs to rear its ugly head there.

            Speaking of “The Baby Jesus’ Rhyming Couplet Blog”? Did you read today’s entry? Hah! He slays me, that little Lord does. The way he rhymed “immaculate conception” with “funky misdirection” was truly surprising and very witty.

            He so rocks the manger.

            • 2:05 am

              True dat, Alan.

              The manger is all like “why you gotta be getting all up in my grill?” and Jesus is like “because that’s the way I rock”.

              -Corinthians 13 (the Director’s cut)

              • 2:19 am

                Haha!

                I know. He’s such an awesome little baby. And his super powers are incredible. I love how he uses his x-ray vision to make fun of the Wise Men’s genitilia size. He’s such a bullet deflecting, fire-breathing, incredibly morphing, space flying, underwater breathing little dude. Plus, there are his zinger couplets. And his catchphrase, “I’m the boss/of this here cross” is the bestest.

        • 3:01 am

          Dear Lily,

          Mary Christmas.

          Frankelstache

        • 12:13 pm

          Lily, would it be fair to say that our comments got you a little turned on? Did it feel like a light rain began to fall in the desert between your legs? Why fight it? You are an attractive woman and I am sure that both Frankelstache and I would be willing to give you some loving. Probably not at the same time (unless money was involved).

          Loosen those granny panties up a little you silver haired minx. I will rock your world.

          • 4:44 pm

            @Tannerleah

            You, sir, are a pig and an embarassment to real men, everywhere.

            Shame on you, for talking to Lily like that.

            Though I’m glad Don left your comment here for all to see, so that we know what color your true stripes are.

            • 5:20 pm

              Friar – It is true…I am a pig. Frankly, I thought Lily was coming on to me but I can see now that I misread her intentions.

              As for being an embarrassment to “real men” everywhere, that ship sailed a long time ago.

              I deserve your rebuke and am duly contrite.

  64. 11:08 pm

    Brilliant wish list, Donfather.

    May your family bestow upon you all of the above. I think some of these are worth presenting to Congress, The Parliament, The Knesset and anywhere else in the world where major decisions are taking place.

    Happy Chanukka, too
    Frankelstache

  65. 2:23 pm

    My Goodness,

    Enough is enough. Seems an old man can’t go shopping for Christmas fruitcake without a fracas breaking out.

    After the recent appearance of young Miranda I had contemplated writing some comment “guidelines” and I see now that it would be wise to do so.

    Beyond ensuring that civility reigns, a properly worded outline of acceptable commenting behaviour (hereafter known as “Miranda Rights”) gives me an opportunity to establish arbitrary rules and impose unreasonable restrictions on others. I’ve always enjoyed that and feel I am rather good at it.

    While it will take me some time to draft a comprehensive policy, I am happy to share my first draft of subsection 3(a), paragraph ii, which will speak to the issue of “ISMs”. I believe it will address a number of the concerns raised above.

    Commenting Policy, subsection 3(a), paragraph ii “isms” (Draft)

    I don’t like damned “isms” and their use should be avoided at all costs. This would include making remarks that might carry the taint of sexism, racism, communism, jingoism, and of course, ageism.

    Please note that I am also not fond of anthropomorphism, antidisestablishmentarianism, hedonism, priapism or animal magnetism (other forms of magnetism are acceptable provided they are used in proper context). I have a passing tolerance for Confucianism, feudalism, Gnosticism, hirsutism and journalism and would suggest they be used infrequently and only to support non-ism based arguments.

    While tolerated, I would prefer not to see evidence of rednickism, vulgarism, voyeurism or the promotion of vegetarianism. Marxist-Leninism is a “no-no” as is rugged individualism. Optimism is encouraged but only if it relates to non-ism subject matter (e.g., optimism about communism would be considered a violation of commenting policy and would be subject to deletion, editing or scathing reply).

    Accepted isms include McCarthyism, conformism, capitalism and Don-isms.

    Orangism, nepotism and mysticism are currently under review.

    In general, play nicely, be respectful and avoid making dumb ass-isms.

    Please note that all of the above is subject to change at any time without notice.

    • 2:46 pm

      Ha! Now that was brilliant. I’m looking forward to the day when – and maybe while enjoying my right to dodge from several wallops on Senior Impunity Day – I’ll be able to declare “that’s my Miranda Right!” to someone. So, have a happy and fruitful policy-building.

    • native1 permalink
      3:45 pm

      What is your policy on ass-clownisms? Or is that question a stupidism?

      • Lily Fossil permalink
        9:16 pm

        (Ass clown is a Donism so it’s perfectly ok)

        • native1 permalink
          9:45 pm

          Ms. Lily,

          Thanks for pointing that out. I never thought of it that way. I got lost trying to connect the dots. Maybe another cup of coffee, made in a perfectly good stove top percolator by the way, will get me on track.

          • 11:44 pm

            Many thanks native1,

            I haven’t had some stove-top percolated coffee in a good long time. Enjoy one for me.

            Attempting to connect the dots on the comment policy might be a tad difficult but I applaud the effort. Unfortunately, the entire policy (in its current 2000 word form) is equally challenging, fraught with contradiction and entirely arbitrary. It’s shaping up well.

            Many thanks for visiting.

            Don

            • 12:39 am

              In my honest opinion, a man your age has earned the right to be arbitrary and contradictory. Think of this blog as you would your last will and testament(and what a marvellous post that was). A mere couple hundred nigh-impossible and self-contradictory clauses intended to send would-be beneficiaries/commenters falling from grace like autumn leaves is completely appropriate.

              All the best, and merry Christmas,

              -TJ

  66. downcastmysoul permalink
    7:58 pm

    We need to bring back “Murder She Wrote”, “The Golden Girls”, “Family Ties”, and the “Cosby Show” for sweet tame entertainment. And don’t forget Doctor “Sloan” from Diagnosis Murder.

    I think along with the “swimming costumes” (some Christian companies still make these for modest swimmers) they need to bring back big old swim caps with huge plastic flowers on them along with thong sandals with huge plastic flowers.

    Must female students wear the ties?

    Please warn me when “impunity” day comes along just in case I piss off a senior.

    Signed,

    A senior rather sooner than later at this rate.

    • 10:57 pm

      Thanks very much downcastmysoul,

      The bathing caps are a damned fine suggestion. I always liked the look of a large plastic flower on a woman’s head.

      I’ll be sure to give you ample warning on seniors impunity day. I wouldn’t want you to be on the receiving end of any cane whacking.

      All the best,

      Don

  67. downcastmysoul permalink
    8:01 pm

    Don’t forget to make the kids wear Orthopedic Shoes and Support Socks to school. It takes a lot to lug the books around, you know.

  68. hazy permalink
    11:54 am

    “Sensible Slang

    Back in my day, we’d get on the blower, call our best gal and bump gums about the latest scat platters and how we’d be playing them at the next jolly up. It made sense damn it.”

    I have a problem with your sensible slang. I’m don’t think it paints you in the most genteel light to us ‘young uns’ Don. Whilst I am certain of your mild intention, this is the tamest translation I could come up with (after much deliberation);

    “Back in my day, we’d get on the telephone, call our favourite lady friend and chat about the latest games we’d be playing to get shit-faced at the next party. It made sense damn it.”

    If this is what was intended, I have to say fair play to ya. I sincerely hope you continue to push the boundaries of medication now that your advancing years lessen the consequences.

    Best Wishes

    Hazy

  69. Anonymous permalink
    6:48 pm

    dear mr. mills,

    i have been reading your wonderful column for quite some time now and have always wanted to write to you but alas have always felt a little bit too shy. in my day men and women did not “hook up” online but rather, met properly chaperoned at the church social. however, having seen that you obviously still possess an appreciation of the fairer sex by your wish for an 80 year old miss america, i have gathered my courage and (shame be damned!) decided to send you a little letter.

    i am a very hot and horny 82 years young widow who seeks a well hung older gentlemen for all kinds of bizarre sexual experimentation. love all kinds of what were once called perverted acts and positions. can go all night (or at least till the 10 o’clock news.) if interested and still able to “get it up” (with or without chemical assistance,) PLEASE contact me IMMEDIATELY! cant wait to hear from you!

    yours truly,
    mrs. willow dale

    • 12:03 am

      My goodness Mrs. Willow Dale,

      Too shy? I can only imagine what you’d be like if you came out of your shell!

      Before I respond to your offer, I must comment on your remarkable name. It’s very uncommon and yet vaguely familiar at the same time. Odd. Perhaps it’s because it Dale is my Brother York’s middle name. Either that or because I have willow tree in the back yard.

      Anyway, I don’t mind telling you that I dropped my mug of ovaltine halfway through your comment and nearly fell out of my chair. I like to consider myself an active senior with an open mind but the type of shenanigans you’re proposing would likely have killed me when I was in my 40s. Honestly, Mrs. Dale, “bizarre sexual experimentation”, “chemical assistance” and “perverted acts”? It’s almost as disturbing as the notion that there is more than one “position.” I had to double my heart medicine, pour a stiff drink and read two Bible verses just to stop myself from going into cardiac arrest.

      Now I do apologize if my reference to an 80-year old Miss America led you believe that I was open to courtship (or whatever you would call your proposal). I’ve been a bachelor now for a good number of years and while I admit to missing the company and ironing skills of a good woman – and am flattered by your interest – I’ve always maintained that no one will be able to replace my dear, departed Aggie.

      So, while I will thank you for your ambitious (if unnerving and potential lethal) offer, I must graciously decline.

      All the best and thank you for visiting

      Don Mills

      • Anonymous permalink
        10:41 pm

        mr. mills,

        i am NOT referring to ‘courtship’—rather just little harmless octogenarian fun. if in order to get some of your attention i must help out by doing the ironing then so be it. i think that you just need a couple of ‘stiff’ drinks when i am around in order to get the ball rolling. so to speak! come on mr. mills, as the kids say ‘lets party!’ i should warn you mr. mills that once i set my heart (and other body organs) on something i have a tendency to continue until i get what i want sir.
        cant wait to hear from you again, baby!

        • The Celtic Queen permalink
          6:23 am

          That was funny Anonymous Mrs Willow Dale. I did get a good laugh. Perhaps I should call you Octo Woman Lol. There’s an old Octogenarian in Oz that I know who definitely would be interested in your proposal. Would you like me to pass this on? He makes no BONES about being able to get it up so to speak.. He’s hail and hearty apart from having that HEARTY fixed last year. Slightly deaf but a good listener and would relish the opportunity to get the ball rolling. And to quote him, he’s always said he’d like to go out with a bang. Let me know. By the way his name is Stan, You know “The Man”. But I will understand if you have your heart set on Mr Mills.

          • Lily Fossil permalink
            6:50 am

            I’m smelling a rat. Ms Willow Dale sounds more like a testosterone fuelled 14 year old male to me.
            Heavens to Murgatroyd, what 80 year old self respecting woman doesn’t use a capital “I” ?

            I’ll watch your back, Donald, in case this Willow stick person is a wretched feck and gormless asshat youngster trolling the internets for gullible seniors.

            Your ever vigilant,

            Lily

            • The Celtic Queen permalink
              10:09 am

              Yes Lily, but we need to beat them at their own game. The writer doesn’t even sound Octo, more 18. Most of us over 50 use capitals in there right places all of the time. This makes me think he is male also. That was the first give away. Secondly, no 80 year old calls you baby! So Ms Willow Dale is an imposter.

              Be gone. Lily’s watching you , you wretched fellow.

  70. 6:33 pm

    Thanx for the valuable information. This was just the thing I was looking for, I really like how it includes the actual curved shape flight paths. keep posting. Will be visiting back soon.

  71. Anonymous permalink
    7:15 pm

    dear mr. mills,

    i find myself very distressed that these other old biddies that you correspond with seem to have some question regarding the veracity of my age, sex and offer. just because i am old does not necessarily preclude the possibility that i am still hip enough to call you baby! i think they are just sexually repressed and frustrated and are upset that they did not have the courage to make the offer of companionship first! mrs. fossil i also suspect to be not at all what she claims; she is “watching your back?” i think not. also, what self respecting ‘octo’ would actually use that tired old phrase ‘heavens to murgatroyd? it went out with the charleston and rumble seats!

    while i am curious about this ‘stan the man’ fellow, i do indeed have my heart set on you mr. mills, or may i call you ‘don?’ i think its time that we got a little more personal dont you?

    well mr. mills (or is don now?) i am afraid that i must go now as matlock is just about to start and it takes a little while for my set to warm up. this correspondence is nice but as you know its not at all what i am looking for. so, once again, ‘lets party baby!’

    love,
    mrs. willow dale

    • 8:25 pm

      Dear Mrs. Dale,

      While I admire your tenacity and appreciate your adventurous spirit, I made a vow when I married my Aggie. And regardless of the fact that she is no longer with us, I intend to remain true to that vow.

      Should you be interested, I would be happy to forward your email address to my brother York. In addition to owning leather pants, he is constantly on the prowl for female companionship and considers himself to be quite the “playboy.” He is also prone to wandering and giggles in a very annoying manner. Despite this, he’s a decent man.

      I hope you enjoyed your episode of Matlock. It’s a damned fine show.

      Respectfully,

      Don

      • York Mills permalink
        8:33 pm

        Hee hee!

        Come and get me, Mrs. Dale.

        As long as I don’t have to run, I’m sure we’ll have lots of fun. (The leather pants chaff my thighs.)

        Hee hee…

        • 9:24 pm

          …or he could just introduce himself.

          Honestly, York, someday you’ll have to tell me how you do it. Your name gets mentioned in conjunction with a woman and you pop up out of nowwhere. It’s remarkable.

          And a tad frightening.

          Don

          • York Mills permalink
            10:13 pm

            Hee hee!

            The secret is the leather pants, Don. They get my old man senses tingling. Or it has something to do with the fact that they’re so tight they cut off the blood circulation to my brain.

            I guess it could be either.

            Hee hee…

          • Lily Fossil permalink
            10:15 pm

            I agree with Don, Mrs Willow Dale and York sound like they would make the perfect couple, not that I’d expect York to have his leather pants on for very long with that wanton hussy Mrs Dale around.

            And a word of advice to Yorks, don’t forget the condoms. We don’t want you coming back here in a few months complaining of STD’s and the like. You won’t get one iota of sympathy from me.

            Lily

  72. Chris permalink
    3:10 pm

    Sitting here in my leather pants enjoying your blog. I love the replies you people are a hoot!

  73. 8:13 am

    This is the best way for our senior citizen to stay in happy life.Let them participate for an activity.This is a great old wish for our very poor senior citizens. ..they only have a few days left count so they deserve happiness for a last time of stay.

  74. reece permalink
    11:31 pm

    don i need help what do i get a 76 year old man for his christmas i dont know what to get him

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