Resume Writing 101 for Young People
My seniors centre recently placed an ad looking for janitorial help and received over 300 resumes in response. Given my experience in judging people, I was asked to help sift through them and identify potential candidates for interviews.
While I was pleased to note that a good number came from damned young people, I was horrified by the outrageous collection of nonsense they contained.
Based on the appalling assortment of misspelled words and inappropriate content I saw sprawled on everything from cocktail napkins to what looked suspiciously like toilet paper, I offer the following resume writing advice for young people.
First off, don’t be a damned idiot. Your resume SHOULD NOT include:
- Doodles, illustrations, copulating stickmen, graffiti, naked photographs or any combination of the above.
- An asinine email address like hugecock133@gmail.com, nightsniper@aol.com, outcallsonly@aol.com, thuglife555@gmail.com or drunkbynoon@gmail.com .
- Your gang name or street name. (Neville Cartwright may not be as flashy as “Lil’ Bluntdog” but try to remember that you’re looking for work, not to score a damned nickel bag).
- Unidentifiable stains and the lingering aroma of Skoal, Red Bull or bong water.
- Career goals like “retiring at 25 and then kicking back with some fine bitches”.
- Blatant lies. (Chances are that if you went to College you’d know how to spell it correctly and wouldn’t be applying to clean the toilets at a seniors centre in the first place. If you’ve got no education, just say so. After all, not everyone can graduate from “Hardverd” or” Yayle”).
- A request that the employer follow you on Twitter.
- A copy of your rap sheet, the word “superfreaky”, a pentagram, details of why your dad is a “total dick” or a stool sample.
Now that we have that unpleasantness out of the way. Try to remember that your resume SHOULD include:
- A listing of skills that are relevant to the job you’re applying for. (Note: The ability to list all of the episodes of Star Trek in chronological order is not a skill; it is an indicator of social abnormality and should be played down at all costs).
- A current address that is more specific then “the red house”, “my buddy’s place” or “I’d rather not say”.
- A phone number with more than 6 digits.
- Recent work experience. (Note: Driving a cab in the video game “Crazy Taxi” does not technically qualify as part of your employment history).
- References (preferably clergy, professionals or community leaders – not people named “Shaky” or “Deuce”).
And for the love of God, if you take nothing else away please keep in mind that employers don’t like a resume that:
- has a link to your facebook page;
- includes smiley faces or use of the abbreviation LOL;
- sticks to your fingers;
- asks about an employer’s drug testing policy
- threatens retaliation if you aren’t hired;
- misspells your own name; or
- is written on the sole of a god damned shoe
Now that we’ve covered the basics – get out there, get to work on your resumes and smarten the Hell up.
Damned young people drive me crazy.
The Problem with Young People Today Is... 
“A request that the employer follow you on Twitter.” Blahahaa that’s what Bearman would do..OK and me 😦 ! Come on Mr Mills, we got to keep up with them or we’ll be owned!
Your resume should also not include whether you are on Team Edward or Team Jacob!
I once interviewed a young person for a job and the conversation went along the lines of “What’s in it for me”, ” Give me a good reason why I would want this job” and “I’ll get back to you”.
Many thanks Frigginloon,
If keeping up with them means subscribing to the notion that we have to send a 140 character alert to the free world every time we pass gas or an idle thought crosses our minds I’d be just as happy to be left behind. It may be something you younger folks need to do but for me – I’m content to wait for the happy thump of the newspaper hitting my doorstep in order to find out that Tiger Woods has backed into a tree.
Do I need to ask if that damned obnoxious interviewee deemed the job worthy of taking? I can’t give him a good reason why he’d want the job but I can think of more than a few good reasons why the little rat bastard needs a repeated kick in the ass.
I assume that was a few years back when jobs were easier to find? Hopefully you sent him packing and he’s currently wrestling with the difficult decision around whether he’d prefer to work cash at Burger King or the Fry cooker at MacDonalds.
Nice to hear from you frigginloon.
All the best,
Don
Loon you and I (and Donald) would be the last people do that. Otherwise we might be inclined to use our real names..
Blahahha Bearman so very true 🙂
What? Bearman ain’t yer real name? Next you’ll be tellin’ me Elvis is dead.
What, Elvis is dead? Has anyone told Michael Jackson?
Dear Donfather,
This has to be your funniest post during this calender year.
I do have to wonder, though – what would be your gang name, or should I say what was your gang name?
Play it warm,
Frankelstache
Hello young Frankelstache,
Thank you for the kind words, lad. I appreciate that.
I never had a gang name but I’ve had a few nicknames. When I was a lad I was known as “Stinky” but I’ve also been called “Booger” (1940’s), “Flat-top (1950’s), “Funky D Thang” (1960’s), “Mr. October” (1970’s), “Tenacious D”(1980’s) and “Shatner” (briefly in the 1990s for reasons I can’t explain).
I can assure you that none ever appeared on a resume.
Now, I’m just Don.
All the best,
Don
I’d like to see you as Mr October in the 1970s, Don
?
I was expecting more flesh…..
naughty but good…
Thanks, Lily…This photo is like a Christmas gift combined with some Hanukkah Latkes and whatever the Muslim equivalent is altogether.
Godspid,
Frankelstache
I must say that this raises a variety of concerns.
How is it that you, Mr Donald Mills, know the smell of bong water?
Ignoring that, what kind of an organization requires a resume for janitorial positions? That sounds oddly bureaucratic like a governmental operation.
And, in a flashback to my concerns over you and bong water, why the “word” “errors” like:
>>>Driving a cab in the video game “Crazy Taxi” does not technically quality as part of your employment history.
Quality is not a synonym for Qualify, my good sir.
I fear someone has been drugging your Metamucil. I suggest you contact the authorities. Probably some damn young person.
Many thanks David,
I have to say, son, that the all black gravator of yours is more than a little chilling. It has a Grim Reaper quality to it that an old man like me finds somewhat disconcerting. I don’t like to stick my nose into other people’s business but you might want to switch that up for a photo of a family pet or something more cheery. Waterfalls are nice.
Now, on to business.
My familiarity with the smell of bong water is derived solely from interactions with my idiot neighbor’s moron son, Cody. He’s 27 and of a view that he will make his fortune buying and selling used hookah pipes on Ebay. The lad’s an idiot but he does help clear my walk when there is a heavy snow fall and we sometimes get to talking.
As for requiring a resume for janitorial work. This is a seniors centre, David. We aren’t just about to hire the first Tom, Dicky or Bluntdog that walks in off the street. Plus we’re old – we love bureaucracy, rules, evaluating, judging, being arbitrary, telling people “no” and taking our time.
Next. Thanks for catching the typo. You’re a good man. And that synonym crack was damned funny.
And finally, I’ve been worried about Metamucil tampering for some time. Thank you for confirming my suspicions. You can be sure that the proper authorities will be alerted just as soon as I figure out who they may be.
Thanks kindly, David. I enjoy your visits and your comments immensely.
All the best,
I have no clue as to how that black square came to appear by my insightful comments. Must be something wrong with that damn computer thingy.
I can see how a man of advanced years would find a grim-reaper quality to be chilling…what with days being numbered and all that stuff.
Agreed about this being the best post ever, and (forgive me) the bong water. But I’m sure some young niece or nephew has filled you in, so you can sound “hip.”
I had the email conversation with my daughter several times. She finally created a “business” account.
Thank you Pamela,
As I explained to David, my understanding of the aromatic properties of bong water are courtesy of my neighbor’s son, Cody. You are correct, however, I use the term regularly when trying to convey a point to young people just so they understand that I’m hep to their jive, 23 skidoo and groovy like a minx.
Glad to hear you had the conversation with your daughter. It’s amazing to me that people will send serious, business-related correspondence via an email account that identifies them as “superfoxysinglemom4334.” I have nothing against foxes, single moms, supermoms, people named 4334, foxy moms or super foxy single moms – I’m just not sure that’s the guise under which they want to present themselves to future employers.
Call me old fashioned. Better I’ll go make one.
All the best, Pamela.
Don
Holy Mackerel Mr. Mills, you’ve published some excellent advice here and it’s damn funny to boot… I’m going to make sure that my son reads this entire message. Currently he’s worked his way up from the door mat position to photo processor in Walgreen’s… This advice may very well help him to move up the Walgreen corporate ladder much faster… my thanks to you good Sir.
My thanks to you as well, CatGod.
I’m sure that with some careful coaching the boy will be climbing that ladder in no time.
(And I’m sure he’ll be anxious to move up quickly – I suspect he must see some damned disturbing images as a photo processor at Walgreens.)
All the best CatGod,
Thanks for visiting,
Don
Mr Mills
Gotta say I think this is your funniest stuff yet………kid next door bitches that his boss is a total tool…little bastard delivers newspapers..not so unusual but he steals them then charges customers double…..god damn kids listen to music from 50 cent and C Murder ….and you want them to actually write something intelligent…good luck….young punks ought to stick to what they know..stealing and fornicating with the neighbors dog…..zman sends and i am still laughing…..good one here don
Many thanks Zman.
I have to say, lad, I believe I’ve been a positive influence on you. I’ve noticed that your comments of late have taken a turn for the crabby and I think it’s working for you. Last week it was masturbating in closets and this week you come back with a “god damn kids” some serious disdain for the rap music and fornicating with the neighbor’s dog. It’s heady stuff, Zman, and I like it.
Keep it up and I’ll have to send you one of my old walking sticks and a complimentary cardigan. Hell, maybe we can even go fishing.
Thanks for the kind words. Always good to hear from you, Zman.
All the best,
Don
As usual, your post has put a smile on my face and made me laugh out loud (and I don’t mean just the proverbial “LOL,” the way the kids do). Though I’m trying to remember the last time I heard the term “nickle bag.” 🙂
Keep up the great work, Don.
Thanks very much Debbi,
Don’t pay any mind if you’re not overly familiar with the term “nickel bag.” I wouldn’t expect a decent woman such as yourself to be an afficianado of fiendish drug slang like nickel bag, reefer, wacky terbacky, the LSD or mary jane.
The only reason I’m current on this underworld lingo is because I make it my business to understand the types of nefarious activities these damned people are up to.
All the best,
Don
Dear Donald,
I must admit I am almost but not quite commented-out (if that’s acceptable) from your last post, but I am scraping up whatever energy I have left to congratulate you on another fine effort which not only made me laugh but restored my faith humanity.
Lily
Dear Lily,
I can fully believe would be close to being “commented out”. I was getting a little weary as well by the end of the week. And I apologize for the lateness but I would like to extend my thanks for all of the very fine comments you made and for your efforts to address (or redress perhaps) our young friend M.
With my thanks,
Don
** in humanity**
Don, another excellent post and sure to draw out the worst behavior in young people world-wide-web-wide.
May I humbly submit my resume/CV for your consideration:
Capitalist Lion Tamer
bloghack10992@gmail.com
Mission Statement
I am a youngish go-getter looking to get his foot in the door and a possible leg up in the exciting and forward-looking janitorial field. I bring a lifetime of experience to the job at hand as well as a certain stick-to-itiveness that previous employers have applauded as “tenacious” and “incredibly annoying.” I feel that given the chance I will throw myself into this position, perhaps even literally. I am also hoping that my foot, leg and hand will pitch in as well, if not currently stuck in the figurative door.
Employment History
Lead Broomsmith, Amalgamated Iron Products 2001-2003
Headed night broom crew during 18-month strike. Formed emergency solitaire tournament to stave off soul-killing boredom during work stoppage. Knighted as “Coxswain” of AIP’s rowing team during day six of a nine-day bender. Ignored 110,000 sq. ft. of unswept floor nightly.
Parts Inspector, Sloan Lavatory Products 2003-2005
As part of a 35-man team, inspected toilet parts to insure proper failure rate and bacteria-adhesiveness. Spearheaded “Employees Must Use Toilet Paper” initiative, leading to a 30% drop in e coli tainted cafeteria meals. Once kicked another supervisor right in the “junk,” thus inadvertently spearheading a complete re-writing of the company’s insubordination policy.
Chief Ball Washer, Rio De Lago Country Club 2005-2008
Oversaw 12 ball washers, spanning three shifts and a million double-entendres. Instituted the “Ball Washer Bill of Rights” which resulted in a 1.2% cost-of-living increase, new hats for 2/3 of the crew and a call for “respect for our ball-washing brothers and sisters everywhere.” Made significant inroads towards eliminating childish giggling when speaking to female ball-washers, dropping the percentage of instances from 100% to nearly 99.8%.
Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Capitalist “Lil Blunt” Lion Tamer
My God, CLT, that’s a Hell of a resume.
I’m particularly impressed with your spearheading of the “employees must use toilet paper” initiative. We’ve had a hell of an e-coli issue with our sandwich meat for months now and yours is just the kind of strategic thinking the seniors centre could use.
I’ll forward your name along to Ward, Daisy and Agnes (the selection committee). You’re fortunate in that interviews have been delayed due to the fact that two-thirds of the original selection committee passed away in the period between the posting of the ad and the screening of the interviews. (They better act quickly and fill the position – Anges doesn’t look well).
Still, Ward’s a fair man and as long as Daisy is compliant with her medication I’m sure they’ll make the right choice. Agnes is really just there because she makes a damned good Bundt cake and wants to be more involved.
Anyway, I shouldn’t say too much more. Has to be an open and transparent process after all. (However, in the interview I’d suggest you make ample references to Lillian Gish, the Marshall Plan, decent haircuts and hoola hoops).
Also, if you have any experience in the use, operation or maintenance of “the clapper”, I’d highlight it.
You can expect a phone call from Ward in the near future. Remember to call him sir and wear a tie to the interview.
All the best and good luck,
Don
i’m surprised that they were able to read and comprehend the ad and that they took all that valuable time away from playing video games (or robbing small convenience stores) to write the resumes. yup, the cream of the crap…i mean, crop answered the ad, don.
Cream of the crap indeed Nonnie.
I’m beginning to wonder if some were just hoping that they could ingratiate themselves to lonely seniors in the hopes of a big pay off at will-reading time.
All the best and thanks for visiting,
Don
p.s. careful on those references to robbing small convenience stores – it’s a touchy issue for me.
they would never be patient enough to wait for anyone to kick off. they probably want to case the joint in order to make a big score on e-bay with canes, walkers, wheelchairs, polident, ben-gay, etc.
p.s. i know you’re sensitive about small convenience store crime, so i tried to word it as delicately as possible.
Recently an 11 year old drew a picture on a napkin and wrote a poem about why the restaurant was so great. I was giggling about the misspellings and bad grammar when my boss handed me a stack of applications and told me to read through them for a good laugh.
A number of people are unclear that the person who cleans tables is a busser, not a buster. We want you to buss the tables, not bust them.
One gentleman was recently dishonorably discharged from the army where his immediate supervisor was Barack Obama and we were welcome to call him for a job reference. I doubt it would have been favourable what with the dishonorable discharge and all.
Another young person said she was a “sand artist” on her application. As it turned out she was only halfway telling the truth.
I find it amazing young people can find a job anywhere with their lack of basic application skills.
“We want you to buss the tables, not bust them.”
Did you really want applicants to kiss, rather than clean, the tables:
1. Busser is not a word;
2. Buss/busses/bussed/bussing means to kiss; and
3. To bus [back formation from busboy with origins dating to 1830-40] is to work or act as a busboy or busgirl, i.e.: She bused for her meals during her student days.
Evil Editor?
Good Christ, is that you Nate? I thought I saw the last of you back in 1953 when I hurled my olivetti typewriter onto the hood of your Plymouth Cranbrook and told you to stick the number 3 pencil where the sun doesn’t shine.
Still up to your old nit-picky tricks are you? Well, despite the bad blood I’m prepared to make amends and let bygones be bygones.
How are Pearl and the kids?
Thanks for visiting Evil Editor and welcome to the site.
All the best,
Don
Good sir:
Thank you, Mr. Mills, for allowing me to enjoy the fresh perspective and free exchange of ideas that you bring to the blogosphere.
However, please accept my apologies, as you appear to have confused me with your former nemesis. It’s quite understandable: Being accurate, meticulous and precise is a job hazard that bleeds over into one’s personal ventures.
Please note: My weapons of mass destruction include red felt-tip pens, computer hardware and software, and ink by the barrelful as well as by the byte. And, most importantly from my perspective, I’m a woman.
Regards,
Evil Editor
Many thanks for clarifying, Evil Editor, and my sincere apologies for confusing you with my former colleague Nate Hollett.
I’m delighted that we have cleared that up and, again, extend a welcome to the site.
Despite my feelings for Nate, I’m always pleased to meet someone with an interest in editing.
I’m afraid you may find I’m less than accurate, never meticulous and rarely precise. Hopefully you won’t find it as trying as Nate did.
All the best,
Don
Well, skin my hide and call me luggage. Thank you for pointing out the error of my ways when I was making fun of someone else. I believe that is instant karma. Next time I will run spell/grammar check.
Many thanks yellowcat.
It’s quite shocking the things people are prepared to include on a resume and the absolute lack of care that goes into their preparation. It’s almost as shocking as the things that people will actually say in an interview. Scary.
And that sand artist reference through me for a hell of a loop. Who knew that artists wore uniforms and hair nets. I sure as hell didn’t. I thought they smoke Gitanes and drank too much red wine.
Thanks for the comment and the visit.
Best regards,
Don
“Dear Mr Mills and the Selection Committee,
I’m dead set keen on having a job at your fine establishment. Inclosed is a ruff draft on me resume and my qualifications for you to overlook.
I graduated in the top 66% of my class and have an excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math. I also possess insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. However, I am an excellent and accurate rabid thypist.
Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.
My Strengths: Impersonal skills but it’s best for employers that I not work with people. I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
I seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable. Cleaning toilets will be right up my alley.
I have never been fired, although it could happen anytime now in my current position as Corporate Lesion in Turkey Implementation.
Hire me and you won’t regret it – I am funny, cute, smart and creative… really.
Referees available upon request. Maureen from Basketball will referee if I give her enuff advanced warning and slip her one.
Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
Yours forever if you give me the job.
Sally Snith
(Please disregard the attached resume-it is terribly out of date.)”
My Goodness Lily,
What a remarkable find. Despite some obvious shortcomings, the fact that Ms. Snith actually composed a cover letter puts her in a class of her own and will certainly guarantee her an interview.
I’d go so far as to say she’s a top contender at this point.
The memory issues won’t be a problem and may in fact be an added bonus. Staff at the seniors centre are often required to repeat instructions, directions or questions over and over and over again.
My only suggestions to the young lady would be to play down her rabid thypism (we don’t discuss religion here) and to avoid calling Ward (from the selection committee) “shorty.” He’s sensitive about his height.
As she isn’t applying for kitchen work, the lesions shouldn’t be an issue so she can chirp away about that to her hearts content.
Tell Ms. Snith that I will forward her details on to the seniors centre. She has some stiff competition in CLT but the gal sounds plucky.
All the best and thanks for sharing!
Don
Dear Miss Lily and CLT,
I have the perfect job for the two of you: please, oh please come and be nannies to my houseful of unruly teenagers. You would of course be expected to impart your excellent resume writing skills and work ethic ideals.
Dear Don,
You are educating me; I did not know what bong water was before today. Oh dear, and I thought that having teenagers around meant that one knew everything too. Living with the young is like having the oracle of Delphi in the house: you will always get an answer, but you may not like the answer and it will not be intelligible.
Tonight’s dinner once again did not meet teenage expectations because the beef casserole and vegetables were prepared at home and not take out. However I did use the opportunity to ask if they knew what bong water is. Silence, furtive glances. Finally the parents were informed that if they used THAT expression, the parents would assume THINGS. Well, yes, they would, wouldn’t they.
I will have to keep reading your blog, I may improve my parenting skills. Who knows, I might even be tempted to stop cooking wholesome meals and start feeding the darlings what they really want – junk food pureed in bong water.
Very nice to have you back Kate,
First off, I have to say that I truly enjoyed the comparison between having young people in the house and seeking answers from the Oracle of Delphi. An inspired comparison and I appreciate your sharing that with me. The lads at the seniors centre will get a kick out of that one I assure you.
I’m sorry to hear that your meals continue to disappoint. As a man living on a steady diet of tuna fish sandwiches, canned soup and dry cereal I find the idea of a decent casserole going to waste particularly upsetting.
And frankly, if they insist on eating junk food pureed in bong water instead of your fine meals, I’d suggest that at miniumum you force them to make it themselves.
Many thanks Kate. Very nice to have you visit.
Best regards,
Don
O/T.
Don, if that’s even remotely close to what you’re really eating it’s not a varied enough diet for anyone, especially a senior citizen. Of course, you would likely not have reached your venerable age if you ate canned soup. The mere thought!
Yes, I’m a foodie, not a ‘chef’ mind you, but a very good home cook, and it makes me so cross when I see what people eat. And they’re paying more than they would for fresh food.
Behavioural problems we see in kids and teenagers, are most probably caused as much by a poor diet as anything else.
End of rant – this isn’t a food blog after all. So look after yourself and season’s greetings.
Well Don, I was going to submit my resume as well but after perusing Capitalist “Lil Blunt” Lion Tamer’s qualifications I realize that it would be a waste of time. You see, I was fired from my last job as Chief Re-Re-Re-Re-Mortgage Officer from Citigroup Inc, for ambiguous reasons. I don’t even think they know what the hell I did wrong. Previous to that, I’d been on disability from my last job as Loan Officer of the Gambino Family, following an unfortunate copier accident where I cut my hand while smashing a deadbeat’s face through the top of a copier.
I would have sincerely loved the opportunity to service the facilities, the nurses and the drug closets at your senior Centre. –As a side note to potential applicants; always be aware of the country in which you are applying and adapt spelling as necessary.
This was one of your most hilarious and helpful press releases to date! I’d really appreciate if you could give me first dibs for the next opportunity that arises.
Scott,
Sorry to hear that you’ve fallen on hard times and are currently between jobs. I suspect that those Citigroup folks are more vicious, more ruthless and far less loyal employers than those Gambino lads so I’d suggest you’re well to be rid of them.
CLT does appears to be making a strong run at the job but nothing is cast in stone. We seniors are a fickle lot and one word, gesture or unflattering freckle could be enough to turn favor against him. If you’d like, I’d be happy to put your name forward.
And you raise a good point on the spelling. However, if an applicant really wants to adapt they should consider going beyond spelling and consider developing a limp, a bunch or getting hold of a goiter or two. A little extra effort always pays big dividends.
All the best and thanks for visiting,
Don
I think employers enjoy a link to facebook accounts. I makes it easier for them to find the pictures of you bathing in the Burger King sink and make appropriate decisions about your worthiness as an employee.
Thank you kindly Bearman,
I hadn’t considered the use of the facebook link as an additional screening tool but after some consideration I think you may be right. It’s like an unfiltered reference check and could be very valuable (or at least damned amusing). I’ll thank you for the insight and keep that tip in mind for future use.
All the best,
Don
I’ve taken resumes that had their city spelled incorrectly, address left blank (one person didn’t want to offer ‘personal’ information yet gave me their SS#), and had on applicant ask if experience meant work experience. I have others in less taxing positions but I point this out because the position they were applying for was copywriter.
Keep up the good fight, Donald!
Many thanks boundandgags,
It’s fascinating isn’t it? Spelling your city wrong is bad enough but having to seek clarification on what is meant by “experience” is just plan frightening. I wonder what other kind of experience they were prepared to offer? Young people are big on “life experience” even though they don’t have any but I suspect the experience they were referring to was likely of a more sordid nature.
Always a good call to avoid hiring a copywriter who lives in Bostton or Shicago.
Thanks for the laugh.
Don
No clever comment from me today. I’m laughing too hard! Sadly, you speak the truth, Donald. And we thank you for it.
Thank you Carol. Always nice to have you stop in. I hope all is well.
Kind regards,
Don
Wonderfully well written. You sir, are a national treasure!
You’re very kind, Doctoratlarge. My sincere thanks.
All the best,
Don
Don’t include:
Worked 47 minutes for Chuck back a few years.
I took out the trash at home when it was my turn every other Tuesday.
Do I gotta bring my own toilet?
Do those ten minute breaks have twenty minute leeways?
Spoose eye dy on da job, kin I gits the daa off?
Do you spell parole with one or two rs.
Don’t you work at Hooters?
Many thanks Jammer,
All very good suggestions and ones that should be added to the list. I was particularly amused by the notion of the occasional household chore qualifing as work exerience. I wouldn’t be suprised to see “cleaned my room once” or “picked up after myself on one occasion” on a resume some day.
Sadly, they’d still likely be the strongest candidates.
All the best. Good of you to visit.
Don
Dear senior centre:
I am sending this cover letter along with my laboriously designed resume:
All my life I have dreamed of a career in janitorial work. Cleaning the flotsam and jestsam left behind by other humans is a long held dream come true!
I bring some experience to this position that other applicants SURELY do not have.
Cleaning toilets after senior citizens would be a spiritual experience to me.
Yours in God,
“Smoodge”
Name: Smoodge Jones
Address: Somewhere in da “hood” under a bridge. I can see the quickie mart at the right angle.
Health: Fair to Middle Age
Education: Blockhead Community College, Bleak Campus, Bachelor of Farts in Absolute Rubbish 1987
Sanitation and General Idiocy Certificate at Looser Vocational Skool–top 90% of class: 1999
Experience:
Assistant janitor to the assistant janitor at Dotty’s Halfway House–work was so exceptional supervisor could not tell if it was done at all–subtlety is sublime: 2005
Home House Cleaning Specialist–private citizen–Sally Stooge was very particular about her home and would engage in long bouts of interrogation as to whether a particular job was done right, including TOILETS–ability to debate points of job a PLUS with me. 1990-2007
Janitor: So Clean Janitorial Services–cleaned offices at minimum wage and effort–summer 1991–refused to do bathrooms–gotta have standards–they were some filthy office workers.
Assistant Janitor–Cleanin Crew Super Kleen–used to vacuum a square mile of carpet per shift on my floor. Between the roar of the ancient vacuum and my heavy metal set on MAX in my ears could not hear supervisor–objectivity on the job is key. Summer 1989
Interests–Eating, Sleeping, Farting, wasting my limited mental resources on trashy novels.
My cell 555-1234. Txt: Metelfreek
I can see that I am up against some stiff competition for this position.
You better believe it…the recession has made us all very competitive.
Worthy candidates all around. While I don’t want to play favorites, I am hopeful that one of the individuals putting their name forward here will end up being the successful applicant.
I haven’t seen the interview questions but based on my knowledge of the panel you may want to prepare for any combination of the following:
1) When was the last time you had a haircut and how much did you pay for it?
2) Can you tie a Windsor knot?
3) What does a young person like you know about cleaning anyway?
4) Have you seen my handbag?
5) Are you Jillian’s boy (or gal)? You look just like her.
6) Why the Hell would we want to hire the likes of you?
7) Name 3 members of the 1944 New York Yankees.
Eight) What church do your folks go to?
9) Explain the difference between a walker, a stair glider, a cane and a walking stick.
10) Have you ever been bitten by a senior before?
Good luck to you all.
Don
1) 2wks ago, walmart $10.
2) I can tie you up however you want me to.
3) huh..could you give me the definition and use it in a sentence pls.
4) I’m almost done looking through you’re handbag then you can have it back..what did you say your pin was for you bank card?
5) I used to be her boy but after the operation I’m now her gal. The Dr.’s did a great job, don’ cha think?
6) Why the Hell wouldn’t you hire the likes of me? I’m cute and I’ve actually listened to you’re first 6 questions.
7) Grumpy, Happy and Sneezy.
8) After the change we’re no longer welcome in any churches.
9) depending on which you’re using, it’s harder to knock you over.
10) Yep and I still have the dentures as a souvenir.
sincerely,
hisqueen
Excellent answers, hisqueen.
I think that the selection panel would be especially pleased by your ability to form full sentences, your sensible haircut and your keen understanding of the differences in assistive devices for seniors.
Any potential candidate would be wise to review your answers in preparation of their interview.
Many thanks. If you ever decide to part with those dentures, I may have an interested buyer.
All the best,
Don
Many thanks downscastmysoul,
I appreciate your bringing Smoodge Jones to my attention. I have to say that the ability to use words like “flotsam” and to a lesser extent “jestsam” are impressive. What really stands out, though, beyond the lifelong interest in janitorial work, is the notion that cleaning toilets used by seniors would be a spiritual experience.
Too true, Smoodge, too true.
Consider this resume passed on to the selection committee.
All the best downcastmysoul. If you know any other worthy (and perhaps less gaseous) candidates please do send them my way.
Best regards,
Don
Don!
Why are you helping them?!?!?!?!?!?!
By doing so you bring more competition into the job market for over -40s like me!
Let the little buggers stay unemployed, living at home with the parents who didn’t raise them properly.
Start a new blog called: Advice for Young Job Seekers and give them all the complete opposite of the advice you so eloquently laid out above.
And add:
– Resumes should be at least 5 pages long. Include an example of a high school essay if you have to pad a bit, or make the font size really big.
– Crumple up your resume and then straighten the pages out before you send it. That way, it looks like lots of people have seen it before and it’s a really valuable resume
– Young people are cheaper and learn quicker so you are more likely to get hired if you make it clear that you are young. Don’t actually write what your age or birth date is, but make the hiring manager understand that you are “totally down with the street” by using as much slang as possible, Dude.
– Spelling on your resume is not important. All computers have spell-checkers these days and so, when the person reads it, all the spelling mistakes will disappear.
– Don’t forget to include at least 5 hobbies to show that you are an interesting person. Don’t worry if you have to make them up. To show you are well-rounded, make sure at least one hobby has something to do with animals and at least another one has something to do with violence. That way you show you are strong *and* sensitive.
– So that your potential employer can time the urine test right to help you pass it, put the last date you took drugs in the Other Information section.
I look forward to reading your new blog, Don.
Much love and insanity,
Ittybittycrazy
An interesting approach, Itsybitsycrazy.
While I sympathize with you over 40 types, I don’t imagine you need much help in beating out the likes of “Lil’ Bluntdog” for a job. In fact, I hope you wouldn’t even be competing for the same job at all!
Additionally, from a purely selfish perspective, I want Blunty off the damned sidewalk in front of my house and into a job. First off, it would allow me to get a decent night’s sleep without being woken up by the sounds of drug negotiations, hearty laughter and profanity.
And secondly, it would offer me the possibility of visiting him at work, purchasing a donut from the lad and then complaining about the donut and the slip shod service, calling him a dolt and demanding my money back. All while he grinned moronically and was forced to call me sir. That`s damned nirvana for me.
I leave the Advice for Young Job Seekers blog in your capable hands. Sounds like you already have the makings of your first post.
All the best,
Don
I would have preferred that you didn’t publish my “business” e-mail address, but since it is out there for everyone to see now…happy endings for $2oo…just email me at outcallsonly@aol.com.
Thank you morethananelectrician,
I’m terribly sorry that your resume didn’t make it past the first cut but we had a strict screening process in place and had to follow it.
While you didn’t get the job, your email did spark some interest among the female members of our selection panel and you may have found yourself some new (although old) customers. I hope that $200 fee of yours is negotiable (or that you offer a senior’s discount). These ladies are lonely but also on a fixed income. You can expect an email from agnes1924@gmail (the 1924 is the year of her birth) in the near future. Be gentle, she just had a hip replaced.
All the best,
Don
Don’t have too much too contribute on this topic, as I’ve never written a resume in my life. I got my job the good old-fashioned way, starting on a 3-week contract filling in for a guy on sick leave and quickly made a name for myself as a hard-workin’, non-complaining and (very)rarely sick or (a bit more frequently, I’ll readily admit I’m not really a 6AM kind of guy)late bastard, and I’ve stuck with it since then.
Nice to hear from you TJ.
It’s funny how people bounce around from job to job these days. In my day, a young man joined a firm or took a trade and he was pretty much done with job searching.
I’m glad to hear you’ve stuck your work. It shows strength of character in my book. Too many people walk away from a job the first time they get admonished by the boss, take offence at being asked to complete a task or just because they get “bored”.
Thanks for visiting,
All the best,
Don
Boredom is sadly underrated, and this world could use a good deal more of it.
– TJ
Agreed. I also think “silence” is underrated. We could use a good deal more of that as well.
Thanks TJ.
All the best,
Don
Absolutely agreed, we need more of that too.
Also, I don’t see how the ever-present danger of spending a few months in the burn ward in horrible agony in the case of sloppy foundry work could be seen as “boring”. There’s no pleasing these kids today.
Hoping this finds you in good health,
TJ
Resumes (or ‘curricula vitae’ as us posh bastards over here, call ’em) are always good for a giggle.
I’ve had some crackers from young graduates in the past, some listing ‘dungeons and dragons’ as their major leisure activity and/or passion in life.
Of course, paper cvs are all old hat these days, adn the best way to lie through ones teeth to as many unsuspecting potential emploers as possible is via linkedin.com.
LinkedIn is a bit like facebook for grownups; a place where you can brag away to your heart’s content about your past (usually fictional) achievements, and your sense of deeply embedded worth to every company you’ve ever
shirkedworked for.The best part is that you can then build up a network of “friends” and ex-colleagues, who probably thought that they had seen and heard the last of you, and who almost certainly know that your employment history is complete bollocks.
Bullshit and technology; It should suit these young’uns perfectly.
Sign up now, Don. Work to subvert the system from within!
My God Nobbly,
This Linkedin Business sounds exactly like every bad sales convention or office Christmas party that I’ve ever been too. Blowhards, bores and buffoons all taking about their latest “big deal”.
But at least they had free drinks.
I’m going to have to look into this Linkedin nonsense, Nobbly. Thanks for the tip.
All the best,
Don
And for any young ladies out there, you might want to especially avoid linking to your Facebook Page, if you’ve posted photos of yourself winning the wet T-shirt during the Spring Break Kegger.
Blue-chip companies tend to frown upon that type of thing.
Though it might help you get a job working Wing-Night at Hooters.
A good point, Friar,
I’d also point out that even if you do forgo the link to Facebook, winning the wet T-shirt contest should not be included under “Awards” or “Special Achievements/Other Interests.”
Unless, as you point out, this factors into your long-term career path.
All the best,
Don
One of your best posts ever, Don.
Although I personally have never written a resume (My Mother is a professional Entertainer and has extremely well-connected clients), in my current role as “Senior Resume Sorter and Alphabetizer”, I’ve seen more than my share of young people CV’s. And if I had a nickel for every time I threw a page full of copulating stickmen and accompanying stool samples into the “recycle file”*…well,I wouldn’t be stuck sitting here trying not to dry heave as my co-worker rambles on about her last Hemorrhoidolysis appointment, that’s for sure.
(* It’s actually the “recycle bin”. I just call it a file to keep things jovial around the office.)
Brilliant as always, Don. Like I always say, you are most definitely a geriatric to be reckoned with.
Referencing you always,
Bschooled
Thank you kindly Bschooled.
You’re fortunate to have a mother who takes an active interest in your professional development. Having a parent in the entertainment business is sure to give any youngster a leg up on the competition.
Glad to hear that you’ve moved on from the counter at Zellers and into human resources. It sounds as though you’re taking on progressively more responsible positions within the organization and I’m confident that in no time you’ll be running the whole damned show.
When you are, I’d appreciate it you’d take Zeddy out back of the corporate office and beat him unconscious with a 5-iron. He just has it coming to him.
Thanks for visiting, Bschooled.
Don
If you think the CVs are bad, just wait till you start phoning them to arrange interviews…
“Can I speak to Lil Bluntdog please?”
*Who?”
“Lil Bluntdog?”
“What for?”
“About a job he applied for?”
“Who are you?”
“My name is Catherine, is Lil Bluntdog there?”
“Bluntdog, get your lazy fat a*s* here, there’s a fancy b*tch on the phone for you, are you sh*gging her? I’ll chop your b*l*o*ks off if you are”.
“Tell her to get f**ked, I’m chillin’ with a reefer and watching The Simpsons wiv mi mates”.
Many thanks Catherine,
What a wonderful comment. I never had the pleasure of speaking with Lil Bluntdog but had I done so, I’m quite sure it would have played out exactly as you’ve stated.
That’s damned funny. Thanks again for the comment and the visit.
All the best,
Don
@Don
With no disrespected intended, I’m suprised your generation knows about resumes. Because based on what I heard, nobody ever needed to write one back then.
My Dad told me how in 1956, he applied to the Bell Telephone Company.
He filled a form out during his lunch hour. They hired him days later, and he stayed with the company for 35 years.
Today, it would take that long just to hear back from the interview.
Many thanks Friar,
You’re quite right actually. As I pointed out to TJ earlier in the comments, in my day a man tended to pick a job or a trade, go out and get a job directly after leaving school and then stick with it until they handed you a watch and you started collecting your pension.
Simpler times.
All the best,
Don
nickel-bag? damn don, just how old are you?
Hello Lynn,
I realize I may sound remarkably young when I use terms like “nickel bag” but it is only because I work hard to stay in touch with current youth slang. As a fierce critic of the young, it’s important that I remain funky fresh in my use of language.
All the best and thanks for visiting.
Don
Dear Donald,
I have no idea what a “nickel-bag” is. I suppose I could google it. I think it is very important to keep up with youth speak, otherwise we wouldn’t have a clue of what they speak, even though most of it is gibberish anyway.
I thought “Funky Fresh” was a deodorant.
:S <—— that's me grimmacing in youth speak
Your hip to the now,
Lily
and funky fresh you are indeed, although the words funky and fresh dont usually end up in the same sentence.
Trust me, Don. You are the funkiest fresh senior I know.
In fact, you put these guys to shame:
Oh my Bschooled….
That’s damned good stuff but I don’t recognize the songs.
Don
I am waiting for your “reply” count to go over 200 so my witty repartee is truly a challenge. (Ram never put me under this kind of pressure…just sayin’)
Nice to see you Mr. Tannerleah,
Sorry for any undue pressure. I was hoping you might be putting your name forward as a candidate for the job. As you’ll likely know, the majority of seniors tend to be ladies and I thought that your suave demeanor and ability to locate Jesus on inanimate objects would bring a certain joy into their lives. Of course, you’d need to refrain from saying “I’d hit that.” While I now understand what that phrase means, to many of my peers it has the unfortunate ring of elder abuse.
Thanks for visiting TL.
Don
Fine analysis Mr. Don, I imagine this post will ‘go viral’ and end up tacked to every HR Dept. bulletin board in the country. Its actually on my refrigerator door as we speak.
Thank you kindly fundamentaljelly,
Always nice to have you visit. Hope the family is keeping well.
Best regards,
Don
If I may be so bold as to interrupt on this otherwise splendid subject, I noticed what appears to be a minor technical malfunction on you blog, Don. The e-mail subscription field, the one were it says “To get email notices of new posts – just click the damned button! (Personally, I’d be suspicious)”. Agreeing wholeheartedly with your sentiments, I entered “Me too.” and my internet said it was invalid or something. Now what kind of way is that to talk to a decent tax-paying citizen?
I trust this is a technical glitch, or if not one of your little stabs at the readers, as you may assume anyone who’ll use this “e-mail” is a damned young person.
– TJ
Many thanks TJ,
Technical glitch it must be. Sadly, I don’t have the technical expertise to stab at young people via the internet. If I did, I would have already developed a “Sinister Senior Worm” that would infiltrate the computer of anyone under 25, erase their pornography and restrict their internet access to the Boy Scouts of America homepage and the Help Wanted section of their local newspaper.
Unfortunately, I have no idea how those damned “widgets” work – I just slap them up there and hope for the best. I’ll have Hattie take a look and see if she can shed some light on the matter.
Many thanks,
Don
Don –
I could not agree with you more on today’s reckless youth and their devil-may-care attitude towards employment.
Why, just a couple of years ago, when I was running Amalgamated Iron Products into the ground, I called a young go-getter onto the carpet for his incessant rabble-rousing.
He had gotten the employees all riled up and baying for my (hopefully) metaphoric blood.
I sat him down and informed him that I didn’t lose an eye in Korea to come back to this sort of behavior back home. Well, I didn’t in fact lose an eye, I told him, in fact it’s right there on desk, encased in Lucite. And it’s not even my eye.
But I can guarantee you, I continued, that whoever lost that eye did not lose it in that Korean hellhole just to have some youngster march in with his life-affirming attitude and saucy haircut and undercut years of corporate underhandedness.
I let him know, that on no uncertain terms, would there be any further discussion of “equal pay for equal work” or “untimed bathroom breaks.” It reeks of Communism, I said. The same kind of Communistic fervor and stubborness that allowed our opponents to outlast us in two consecutive “police actions.” That’s the politics of failure and it will not be tolerated here at AIP, at least not with our share price in the toilet.
Carry on, Don. The youth need you more than ever.
Sincerely,
C.L. Tanager
Many thanks Clifton and well said,
I’ll never understand these damned young people today. In my day a working man didn’t dare raise rabble or anything else. We kept our head down, nose to the grindstone and understood that our CEO was too damned busy concerning himself profit, productivity and the accumulation of personal wealth to be sidetracked with moronic concepts like employee “wellness”, industrial safety standards or paying a living wage.
We were just grateful for a job damn it. In my day, Mr. Tate would have made an example of that young upstart, picked up his letter opener and added another eyeball to his desktop collection.
Good to hear from you Clifton. Always good to see some sanity return to the comments thread.
Best regards,
D.A. Mills
Thank all the deities known to humanity, Miranda hasn’t found this post!
Can you imagine? I shudder to think.
(PS Sorry to reignite old nightmares…)
Many thanks Dave,
I can well imagine. Thankfully, I suspect he’s moved on for good.
All the best,
Don
Thank you for writing this post. I wish that I had been able to pass this post out to my former students who seemed to belie all common sense and reason.
-mcnorman
Thank you Mcnorman and welcome,
I suspect they wouldn’t have read it anyway but I appreciate the kind words.
Many thanks for visiting and for taking time to comment.
All the best,
Don
Don,
There will come a time when they will be searching for answers as they begin rearing their own children. I have linked to your site so that they may be able to enjoy the words of those that have already walked the walk.
Thank you for the many words of wisdom. In time, they will understand.
Regards,
mcnorman
Don,
I can’t find my pants.
Do you have them?
Don,
Not to worry. I found my pants.
I was wearing them.
Hee hee…
Best to keep them on at all times, Yorks. That way you won’t lose them.
Don’t assume that just because he was “wearing” them that he was properly attired, Lily.
I still remember finding him in his room putting on his dinner jacket one leg at a time.
ps I’m a bit concerned that Donald is repeating himself.
I must say I noticed that as well. I most certainly hope it’s merely a rare instance of being the worse for rye, and not advancing age finally getting the better of you, Mr. Mills.
And I’m sure Mr. Mills will appreciate you concern, Ms. Fossil.
All the best,
TJ
Thank you Lily and TJ both for your concern.
I’ve cleaned up my error and thank you both for pointing it out.
I confess that an extra afternoon rye may in fact have had a hand in it. My old friend Hubert Brockington dropped with some photos of our summer fishing trip and we ended up breaking out the scrabble board and unlocking the liquor cabinet. Things were progressing well until he tried to play to the word “ferrus” and it pass it off as “ferrous”.
As is often the case when Hubert and I get together, things got quite heated and didn’t end well.
Again, thanks for letting me know.
All the best,
Don
All the best.
Don
He was shouting something about “Save Ferrus” as he clambered into his rare Ferrari roadster.
I had a feeling this might be the case. I’m glad to know it wasn’t anything serious(not to imply in any way that a game of Scrabble is to be taken lightly). As a dabbler in the metallurgical arts, I of course deeply resent the attempt to pass of “ferrus” as “ferrous”, and you were quite justified in bringing the evening to a premature, if less amicable end.
TJ
Contrary to what young people may think, employers do not find tattoos to be “bitching.” Few people were impressed with my “Hello Kitty” tattoo so I had it laser-removed.
Many thanks Ahmnodt,
Very true. Employers especially seem troubled by visible tattoos. Although, come to think of it, if someone is showing you a Hello Kitty tattoo that isn’t normally visible to the naked eye, that could be rather disturbing as well.
All the best,
Don
“Nickel bag” bwah-ha-ha…that’s sooooo old skool
Really?
I’m concerned, XUP. I was under the impression I was being quite current. Dime bag perhaps? (I may not have factored in inflation).
All the best and thanks for visiting.
Don
My youngest daughter read this post and said “does he mean a dime-bag, Mom?” We were both out of the loop, Don.
Dear Donald,
In today’s NYT is a competition to define “Youth”.
http://schott.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/04/weekend-competition-define-youth/
I looked for your definition but can’t see it.
Your ever – vigilant,
Lily
Many thanks Lily,
I appreciate the link. I’d be more interested in your definition. Any thoughts?
All the best.
Don
My definition of youth. “Feckless and reckless”.
I thought it was in the thesaurus as an antonym to “employable”.
Damnit Don. Now I’m really tired from scrolling through all these young people’s comments.
If you’re under 50, you annoy me. Go comment somewhere else.
Anyway, if you go to apply, don’t put on there how proud you are of being 8 months clean and sober. Or even 8 years for that matter.
Damn kids anyway.
Crap, I’ve spilled more pot than they’ll ever smoke!
Many thanks sekanblogger,
An excellent point on including the anniversary of your last puff of crack. While kicking the habit is a good thing, it likely doesn’t belong on a resume and doesn’t inspire much confidence.
All the best,
Don
Wow. Those are just… I’m at a loss for words. And it’s sad how many people don’t know how to make a god impression and maintain a sense of professionalism.
That being said…
I realize how presumptuous this sounds, but when you advertise for a janitorial position, it’s not realistic to expect the best and the brightest applicant pool to begin with. You are more likely to attract applicants who are unskilled, undereducated, or just not the sharpest crayons in the mixed metaphor.
In my admittedly limited experience, this type of stupidity is not solely the purview of the young.
Many thanks for visiting Sascha and welcome.
I agree that we shouldn’t have been expecting the best and brightest. And I wouldn’t have objected to anyone solely for being unskilled or uneducated (who hasn’t been at one point in their life). Sadly though, we were barely able to scrape up individuals that would even fall into the clean and conscious category.
All the best,
Don
Dear Sascha,
YOU HAVEN’T JOB HUNTED LATELY, HAVE YOU?
I mean, really?
The guys applying at Mickey Dee’s now have Bachelor degrees.
No kidden’.
You have to pass a drug screen, background check, credit check, and have references.
And that’s just the damned janitor!
I’m just glad my resume is correct, by your standards.
Thanks for the 10 minutes of humerous reading. I’ve had my share of pathetic interviewees over the years and to read this is good for a laugh while I have intelligent and stable staff but if I was looking for new hires…
Lol… I can’t imagine what people can possibly think of putting into their resumes. Hilarious!
Thanks for your advise and your encouragement. Its well.
Hi I’m 19 years old. Thanks for the tips on how one should conduct themselves in an interview and how our CV (resume) should look like, it is been helpful to me as I’m preparing myself for an interview soon. I was kind of nervous because it will be my first time even though at school they taught us how to conduct ourselves. I was just giving myself a clear mind and well your tips were of great help to me.