Affronts to Old People #8: God Damned Young People Stealing our Illnesses
Few things gall my bladder more than the fact that damned young people today seem intent on laying claim to all of the ailments that were previously the sole purview of senior citizens.
There was a time not too long ago when you weren’t allowed to have a heart attack until you’d spent 30 years working behind a desk smoking two packs of Camels a day and drinking whiskey at afternoon business meetings. Nobody handed you your massive coronary – you damn well earned it.
But nowadays, every little bugger with a taste for Big Macs and a fear of physical activity is clogging up their arteries and my hospital emergency room with their damned grade school heart attacks. Call me old fashioned but I don’t think I should have to wait for my weekly defibrillation while some wheezy kid in short pants has his pace maker tuned up. I waited 60 years for my triple bypass and they should too damn it.
It’s typical of young people today – always looking for a shortcut. In my day young people got chicken pox, measles and mumps and we were satisfied with that. We had respect for health care, for natural aging and our elders.
You don’t see me running around with acne, croup or going through puberty. I’m not stealing your orthodonist’s appointment to get my damned headgear tightened.
And it’s not just heart attacks. They’re horning in on our adult onset diabetes, lengthening the line up for artificial hips and generally stealing our ailments left, right and centre.
Even the denture clinic is full of toothless meth addicts hell bent on getting their grubby paws on an upper partial. It’s damned disgraceful and unfair to the rest of us that had to wait for our teeth to decay the old fashioned way. I have no interest in wrestling some drug-addled hooligan for the last tube of Poly-Grip at the drugstore and I resent their damned interloping.
Mark my words, next they’ll be coming after our rheumatoid arthritis and cataracts. And then how long will it be before they want incontinence? Before they’re stealing our dementia? Our hunched backs?
It’s a damned sad state of affairs I don’t mind telling you – and it’s going to get a Hell of a lot worse if someone doesn’t step up and straighten these young people out soon.
Galling. That’s what it is.