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Affronts to Old People #8: God Damned Young People Stealing our Illnesses

Few things gall my bladder more than the fact that damned young people today seem intent on laying claim to all of the ailments that were previously the sole purview of senior citizens.

There was a time not too long ago when you weren’t allowed to have a heart attack until you’d spent 30 years working behind a desk smoking two packs of Camels a day and drinking whiskey at afternoon business meetings. Nobody handed you your massive coronary – you damn well earned it.

But nowadays, every little bugger with a taste for Big Macs and a fear of physical activity is clogging up their arteries and my hospital emergency room with their damned grade school heart attacks. Call me old fashioned but I don’t think I should have to wait for my weekly defibrillation while some wheezy kid in short pants has his pace maker tuned up. I waited 60 years for my triple bypass and they should too damn it.

It’s typical of young people today – always looking for a shortcut. In my day young people got chicken pox, measles and mumps and we were satisfied with that. We had respect for health care, for natural aging and our elders.

You don’t see me running around with acne, croup or going through puberty. I’m not stealing your orthodonist’s appointment to get my damned headgear tightened.

And it’s not just heart attacks. They’re horning in on our adult onset diabetes, lengthening the line up for artificial hips and generally stealing our ailments left, right and centre.

Even the denture clinic is full of toothless meth addicts hell bent on getting their grubby paws on an upper partial. It’s damned disgraceful and unfair to the rest of us that had to wait for our teeth to decay the old fashioned way. I have no interest in wrestling some drug-addled hooligan for the last tube of Poly-Grip at the drugstore and I resent their damned interloping.

Mark my words, next they’ll be coming after our rheumatoid arthritis and cataracts. And then how long will it be before they want incontinence? Before they’re stealing our dementia? Our hunched backs?

It’s a damned sad state of affairs I don’t mind telling you – and it’s going to get a Hell of a lot worse if someone doesn’t step up and straighten these young people out soon.

Galling. That’s what it is.

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159 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:13 am

    Damn straight Don, first it starts with medical, next they will be in the friggin retirement villages. Be damned if they set up Care Homes for friggin young people.

    • 7:16 am

      haha… but you know what frigginloon? at the moment there are care facilities galore springing up all over the place to cope with the ageing baby boomers. I asked at a recent conference what will happen to these multi million dollar facilities when the baby boomers die off and there are not enough left to fill them. the reply was they’ll be turned into luxury apartments or condominiums and sold off to younger people…..

      • 10:31 am

        Not to worry Nurse Myra, those baby boomers are tough little buggers and will go kicking and screaming into death, when they hear this good news!

    • 1:11 pm

      Many thanks Frigginloon,

      “Care Homes for young people” just sounds like a fancy name for reform school or juvenile prison to me. As far as I’m concerned, they’re welcome to their own institutions and the more we can lock away the better.

      What I’d be concerned about is if they started trying to infiltrate the legitimate retirement homes of hard-working seniors. Those people worked their whole lives for a small measure of peace and quiet and the last thing they need is some grubby young person butting in front of them at the jello buffet and spiking their powdered eggs with ecstasy.

      All the best,


  2. Lily Fossil permalink
    1:03 am

    Dear Donald,

    I hadn’t given this much thought before and of course you are absolutely right again so thank you for bringing this to my attention. It makes me damned angry too.

    Back in my day, not only did we have mumps, chicken pox, measles, but ghastly diseases like Polio, Smallpox and Tuberculosis. These days, a slight sniffle with a runny nose seems to require a trip to the Doctor and all they are doing is cluttering up the Waiting room AND spreading their cold germs to we elderly people who aren’t as strong to cope.

    By the time these lard ass young people hit puberty, they already have hunchbacks and repetitive strain injuries from slouching over computers and video games 24/7 and ruining their teeth on junk food, requiring extensive dental work for the rest of their lives and cluttering up the Dental surgeries. Not to mention all their mental disorders!

    By the time they hit 20, they have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from 20 years of self inflicted abuse. I say, if it’s self inflicted, they be turned away from hospitals and Doctors surgeries and refused treatment of any kind.

    Your very cross,


    • 1:25 pm

      Thank you Lily,

      It’s very true Lily and a terrible shame in my estimation. The combination of abuse and neglect takes a damned heavy toll on these young people over the long term.

      I could live with that but as you point out the end result is that they put an unbearable strain on the medical system. I used to visit my family doctor once a week for a check in, tune up and change of fluids but he doesn’t have time for that level of service anymore now that every 15-year old Tommy, Dickie and Harry has a chronic illness of their own making.

      It’s a very sad state of affairs indeed.

      All the best, Lily.


  3. 1:10 am

    Hi, Don,

    Again, you’ve brought me an idea. I wonder if cataract surgery is cheaper than Lasik? It’s been around much longer and is quite successful at correcting vision.


    • 1:45 pm

      Thank you Pamela,

      So nice to have you stop in.

      I hadn’t considered that particular affront but I wouldn’t put it past the young people. I’m bringing it to the attention of my seniors group – the last thing we need is increased wait times for cataract surgery.

      Similarly, dentures may be an easy alternative to tooth brushing and cheaper then repeated “teeth whitening” sessions.

      All the best,


      • 4:25 pm

        I know a 40 year old who got catact surgery for better sight and not to correct cataracts. It has begun.

  4. 1:46 am

    my hands hurt, I think I have arthritis. I also think my knees are starting to ware-out. If you think about it, young ppl having old people illness follows the trend-line of how related babies and ancient old people are. Babies and ppl in 90s cant hold their bladder. Kids and ppl in 70s develop weak bones if not given the proper nutritional “pills/vitamins”, teens and ppl in 50s develop anti-social psycho behavior with bad tempers that can surely lead to the same medical problems stress causes.

    Am I wrong?? Noooo

    • 1:54 pm


      Very nice of you to stop in for a visit. Sorry to hear you’re feeling poorly but it’s nothing a few jumping jacks, some fresh air and a handful of well-chosen apples won’t see right.

      I’m not sure I agree entirely with your trending. In my view kids don’t require any sort pills or vitamins in order to develop strong bones. They need little more than hot porridge, discipline and regular attendance at church. And as for anti-social psycho behaviour – if there are 50 year olds out there developing psychosis I can guarantee it’s only because they are raising teenagers themselves.

      Always nice to have you visit Sensico.

      All the best,


      • Lynn permalink
        7:37 pm

        jumping jacks- funny don. do people still do those? i havent heard that term in years!

        • 6:02 pm

          Decent, clean-livng folks sure do. Nothing better to clear your mind and put some spring in your step than a few deep knee beds and a hundred jumping jacks.

          Then it’s time to use this:

          • Lynn permalink
            5:16 am

            havent seen one of those in years, do they still make them?

            c’mon don, 146 comments on this post? it’s definitely worthy but damn!! clean living huh?

  5. jammer5 permalink
    2:12 am

    Damn punks think they can do anything. They act like crazed sheep jumping over everything in sight, doing backflips on bicycles, you name it. And what does it get em? Broken bones and arthritis. So they spend days on end whining, “Why me? I’m stuck in a wheel chair and can’t do anything anymore.” So they waste hospital space and doctors time that could best be spent on people that have lived a full life, who’s parts are wearing out, and deserve excellent care: us older folks!

    Pretty soon, they’ll be wanting us folks to be used for glue. Where’s Charlton Heston when we really need him.

    • 10:33 am

      Hmm Jammers, I hear Clint Eastward is available!

      • hisqueen permalink
        5:22 pm

        all you have to do is “Google” find Chuck Norris and he’ll tell you how it is..

    • 2:03 pm

      Damn right Jammer.

      They can bike-flip to Hell and back as far as I’m concerned as long as they aren’t taking up my hard earned and well-deserved hospital bed.

      (I’m not sure why they’d want us for glue though. Beyond sniffing the stuff, I can’t imagine any of them making a model airplane or actually attempting to fix something.)

      Great to hear from you Jammer.

      All the best,


  6. 2:36 am

    if only a few of them would get erectile dysfunction. there’d be a lot less screwing around and fewer teenage pregnancies. no viagra for any of them either. it won’t react well with the ritalin they’re all on.

    • 7:21 am


    • 12:58 pm

      Brilliant!! 🙂

    • 1:23 pm

      I think there may bea flaw in your argument, nonnie:-

      There is an old adage that blokes have a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to work one at a time.

      As far as I can see, these young shaggers sure as hell aint using it to power their brains. I suspect that erectile dysfunction is a thing of the past as far as current young’uns are concerned.

      It would also explain a lot about educational standards as well.

    • 2:33 pm

      Many thanks Nonnie,

      Let’s keep a good thought on the erectile dysfunction. Unfortunately, it may be the one adult ailment they shy away from.

      All the best,


    • Daniel Johnson permalink
      11:30 pm


  7. Friar permalink
    2:36 am


    I don’t think we’ve seen the worst of it yet…

    One of these days, it wont’ be good enough for kids to pierce their faces or insert studs in their tongue…

    Soon, they’ll start clamoring for their own colostomy bags.

    Mark my words, it’ll happen.

    • 2:34 pm

      Thank you kindly Friar.

      It’s an unpleasant thought but I wouldn’t be in the slightest bit surprised. It’s just the kind of lazy short-cutting I’d expect from a damned young person and the perfect excuse to never get their ass up off the couch.

      All the best


  8. downcastmysoul permalink
    2:48 am

    Sorry, this post does not impress me. Young people do fall ill for a variety of reasons, not just laziness and obesity. No young person, who has pressure on them to look good and to be fit wants to have a chronic illness. There’s no easier way to be a strike out as a young person than to be ill. There is no better cosmetic than health.

    The only young people who “want” to be ill are those who are healthy but abuse their bodies then say they cannot work because they are too “sick”. I have met this sort: all worn out and ready for the grave in their 40s because they spent their short life drinking/drugging/whoring/committing crimes, etc. No sadder thing. Also, the happy pills everyone is on nowadays have lots of side effects and tend to prematurely age people.

    • 7:18 am

      oh dear someone’s missed the tongue in cheek

    • 2:35 pm

      Many thanks downcastmysoul,

      I’m sorry you didn’t care for the post but am glad you took the time to share your views. I’m always open to criticism and more often than not deserving of a fair measure.

      Good of you to stop in.

      All the best,


      • downcastmysoul permalink
        5:27 pm

        It’s more what is going on on this end of the interwebz more than this post: people around here seem to be falling suddenly ill more than usual. I would not say they are “young” but they certainly not old. Everytime I hear the whine of the siren I look out because half the time the ambulance seems to be stopping on this block or the next to pick up another victim of sudden illness.

        • 5:35 pm

          I’m very sorry to hear that downcastmysoul. Hopefully things will improve soon.



  9. Debbi permalink
    3:40 am

    If I could, I’d gladly grant you a monopoly on all physical ailments, Donald.

    • 2:35 pm

      You’re a kind soul, Debbi, and I appreciate the support.

      All the best and thanks for visiting,


  10. 7:18 am

    Greetings Mr. Mills,

    Damned funny stuff as always.

    In case you didn’t know, I work in a restaurant and nothing is funnier than watching former/current meth addicts try to eat spare ribs with their no-teeth. It’s like an old dog gumming a shoe. No wonder even drug addicts hate tweekers.

    Have a good week!

    • 2:54 pm

      Nice to hear from you Yellowcat,

      I didn’t know you worked in a restaurant. I spent some time working in the business when I was a lad. It didn’t last long. I was a passable dishwasher, a lousy bus boy and a god awful waiter.

      You paint a fine image of those lads and their spare ribs. And I’m glad you’re able to find some humor in it – I imagine it could be a fairly grim sight if you didn’t.

      Thanks for visiting and I hope you have a good week as well.

      Best regards,


  11. 8:35 am

    LOSTL! Oh Mr Mills!

    Im not allowed to get sick as mum likes to say that unless you’re bleeding, you’re fine to work!


    • 1:25 pm

      I quite agree, Bob.

      I grew up very confused, as my Mum used to say “Ill?? Get off to school you little bleeder!”

    • 2:54 pm

      Young Bob,

      Wonderful to hear from you. There is no better from of prevention than a strict command from your mother that you are not allowed to get sick. She’s a fine woman, Bob, and you’re a good lad for respecting her wishes.

      All the best,


  12. rhiamom permalink
    4:13 pm

    That’s “defibrillation” not defribulation. Just sayin’.

    • 4:29 pm

      Many thanks rhiamom,

      I appreciate the help. If you also know how to administer one, please let me know.

      All the best,


  13. rhiamom permalink
    4:38 pm

    Actually, I do know how. I was a nurse before beginning my life as a white-haired old lady.

    • 5:38 pm

      A fine profession.

      Thank you again for the help with the spelling. Greatly appreciated (if rather embarrassing).

      And thanks for stopping in too. It’s always nice to have a health care professional (and white-haired old lady) near by.

      Best regards,


  14. 4:51 pm

    Dear Donald, you have exposed yet another aspect of modern yoof that I had not allowed for. Namely, why are there so many yoofs lounging outside our local A+E department? They want to be near to the old bang box (either ECT or cardiac, or both I suppose) when they get ill.

    Answer. Issue one to each yoof when they graduate from high school and let them blast themselves as much as they want!

    • 6:51 pm

      Many thanks Dave,

      Always a pleasure to have you stop in for a visit.

      You presume of course that these damned yoofs are in inclined (or able) to graduate from highs chool but I take your point. It’s an interesting notion but if we are going to issue them, I think it might be nice to give them to the older folks and allow us to blast them whenever we like. It could be fun and we might just shock some damned sense into them.

      All the best,


  15. hisqueen permalink
    5:33 pm

    Dear Mr. Mills, Sir,

    In the last year I have made 2 trips to the ER. Once because my feet, ankles and legs just can’t seem to coordinate their efforts together and the end result was an ankle the size of a softball. This has since lead to me predicting when there is a weather front coming in even if the forecasters don’t see it yet. I also decided that the treadmill would be a wonderful new addition to my daily routine to help lose a few pounds. Instead that sent me to the ER with a heart rate that wouldn’t go below 170bpm. this is very bad, in case anyone is wondering. My hubby told me to come on in and was quite shocked when it really was as high as I told him it was. I now have special meds to take if it ever happens again. Very unusual for someone at my tender age of 38. It was a freaky thing that started as I was ironing hubbies shirts for work the morning after my treadmill workout. I still claim that I have a severe adversion to ironing. Does that make me a bad wife? You may consider purchasing your Poly-Grip in bulk from an on-line site. This will help with the wrestling of young hooligans at your local drug store and allow for more time to read comments on your site.
    Your pacer will outlast any young whippersnappers and keep you with us for years to come. Much to our delight!!!

    • 8:53 pm

      Than you hisqueen,

      First off, I’m sorry to hear of your health problems and hope that you are well on the road to full recovery.

      As for being a bad wife? Assuming “hisqueen” refers to your husband’s view of you I’d suggest you seem to be doing just fine (regardless of you aversion to ironing.)

      Thanks for the tip on the Poly-grip as well. I’ll be sure to check ebay and see what deals I can find. A man on a fixed income can never be too frugal.

      Thanks again and all the best,


  16. 6:52 pm

    Hey ya’ old crab Don….ain’t there any old people things we can bitch about too?
    Maybe old farts trying to act young?
    That’s always a laugh and a groan!

    I kinda like kids….very good with mustard.
    (forgive me W.C., but your humour is timeless)

    • 9:06 pm

      Many thanks Sekanblogger,

      I’m no fan of old people acting like damned teens either. And you raise a good point. Perhaps it is time for me to start carping about some of the other things that rile me up.

      When I think about it, there’s a fair list of things that upset me:

      * Cats
      * Substandard Fruit
      * Utility companies
      * Psychics
      * Welsh rarebit
      * Poor customer service
      * Fords
      * Fjords
      * Snow cones
      * February
      * Moccasins
      * Gabe Kaplan
      * and the color yellow

      And that’s just the short list.

      I suspect I may just take your advice. Blowing off some steam about those damned old men who wear skinny jeans and earrings might be just what I need.

      Many thanks and best regards,


      • 2:07 am

        I agree 100% about these damn kids stealing our ailments. Damn, I had to work 40 something years to get my adult onset diabetes. And then some roly poly 10 year old comes along and steals my damn thunder.

        I enjoyed your list and am sure I can expand on it, but hey, this is your blog so I will let you expand in your own damn time.

        But I must say…Fords and Fjords annoy the hell out of me.



        • 4:29 pm

          Many thanks Carol.

          I appreciate your stopping in. Hope you had a restful vacation. Please feel free to add to the list. I’m always interested in learning about what agitates others (especially those that are annoyed by fords and fjords).

          All the best,


      • 3:55 am

        Next week?
        Mocasin wearing psychics who like rotten fruit and snowcones…….

      • Lily Fossil permalink
        4:43 am

        Heaven help Gabe Kaplan if he’s driving a yellow Telco ford through a fjord with a cat eating welsh rarebit wearing moccasins in February.

      • 5:57 am

        As a norwegian I should by rights be outraged at this scepticism towards fjords, but I for one never trusted the buggers. It’s like a coastline that can’t make up it’s mind.

        • 4:30 pm

          Good to hear from you TJ!

          I hope you’re keeping well. Keep an eye on that coastline – it can’t be trusted.

          All the best,


          • 3:22 pm

            Thank you Mr. Mills. I haven’t commented a lot here lately, as I firmly believe in keeping ones mouth shut lest one got something worthwhile to say.


      • 2:51 pm

        OMG. Most of what is on your list is on mine, except Fjords and cats. I love cats. But Gabe Kaplan, February and poor customer service are my top three all-time duds. I doubt, however, that you’ll ever run out of offenses by young people to ever get to the list. If you do, call me I have plenty of young person wisdom from raising a teenager-from-hell.

        • 4:37 pm

          Thank you Tricia,

          My issue with cats stems largely from my neighbor’s nasty tempered Persian “Lady Olivia” and the fact that it seems to believe my rose garden is its own personal washroom.

          And thanks for the offer. If I ever run low on offences I’ll certainly know who to call.

          Best regards,


      • Debbi permalink
        3:24 am

        Who doesn’t hate a fjord? Especially when you fall in one? I hate when that happens . . . worse than falling into a Ford.

        PS: February sucks, but at least it’s short. Now January and March are a whole ‘nuther story.

  17. Lynn permalink
    7:40 pm

    great post but this line rally cracked me up don! “wrestling some drug-addled hooligan for the last tube of Poly-Grip at the drugstore”…picturing someold guy throwing down with an exmeth head over polygrip! damn funny.

    • 11:31 pm

      Many thanks Lynn,

      It’s a Hell of a sight. Fortunately for me those meth addicts are generally pretty scrawny on tend to go for days without food. They don’t offer up much of a fight.

      Lovely to have you stop in.


  18. 7:55 pm


    How you continue to top yourself each and every week is beyond me. (And how I’m able to relate to each and every one of your posts is even more beyond me!)

    Personally, my biggest fear is that in 40 (or so) years from now, I myself will be incontinent. But truth be told it’s not so much the loss of bladder control that I’m afraid of, it’s more the thought of having to buy my delicate yet involuntary excretion- friendly undergarments at the H&M.

    Trust me when I say that those young sales people can be really judgmental.

    Anyway Don, you are a brilliant man and a true anti-change catalyst. I only pray that your preachings don’t fall on deaf ears. (You young kids better leave degenerative hearing loss alone!)

    Your friend,

    Ps. I didn’t want to say anything, but I think now is probably as good a time as any to let you know that I got you a special Christmas present-

    I can’t really explain how I knew, but for some reason I just did.(must be that kindred thing we have going on)

    • 1:48 am

      Many thanks Bschooled,

      You’re very kind and extremely generous as well. It is a lovely gift (and I think red was a wonderful choice– it’s seasonal and also hides blood splatters).

      And it’s certainly a significant step from my current model:

      I’ll be happy to put that puppy back in the LeSabre.

      Now that you’ve gone and gotten me into the festive season, I’ll have to start considering a nice gift that I can provide you in return. I only hope I can find something half as thoughtful, tasteful and useful as you did.

      You’re a kind young woman and a good friend.

      All the best,


  19. 8:40 pm

    Mr Mills

    Yeah those young uns just keep getting sick, Ill better those little bastards do it just to piss you off…imagine the nerve of them…getting cancer at a young age..who in the hell do they think they are…hahahahah funny stuff….keep up the kvetching we are all here for you…wait i have to run to the apothacary to get some elixor i have a cough…..zman sends

    • 1:57 am

      Nice of you to visit Zman,

      I have to be clear, Zman, I’ve no quarrel with youngsters that fall ill through no fault of their own. No one likes to see a child suffer – not even me.

      But I have to say, kids and teens getting heart disease and adult onset diabetes and hip problems…When the hell did this become the norm? It’s insanity, Zman. Plain and simple.

      Enjoy your trip to the apothecary lad. I have a suggestion for you – ask if they can set you up with a bottle of this

      Good stuff. It’ll cure your cough, give you pep and vigor and make you irresistible to the ladies. (Just don’t expose it to an open flame).

      All the best Zman,


  20. 8:57 pm

    These last four or five generations have two main things in common; their weakness, their love of drugs, hypochondria, and an aversion to proper counting, apparently. Almost every one of them is faking something to get some new fancy kind of drug. This one has a hurt wrist so he needs Oxy Contin, that one has a migraine so he needs Demerol, another one has a flaccid penis so he needs Viagra, and another one has hurt feeling so he needs Paxil. And on and on it goes. Why, we taught children that there’s a pill for everything. And it’s come back to bite us all on the ass. For which we’ll need some Percocet.

    • 2:05 am

      Many thanks Scott,

      I’ve noticed the counting problem. A while back a local lout was giving me an earful for walloping the door of his car with my cane.

      He said “First off, this is a new car. And B, it’s not even mine, and fourthtely….”

      You get the idea. I have to admit that if I’d had a percocet I likely would have taken one…or B….or fourthtely of them.

      Good to see you lad.

      All the best,


  21. David permalink
    9:14 pm

    I get so sick and tired of listening to these youts who keep whining about being sick and tired all the time.

  22. Lily Fossil permalink
    10:38 pm

    Dear Donald,

    One of the most inspiring seniors I know (apart from you) is my friend Beryl who was born in 1925. She lives on her own now and still does all her own cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, gardening and drives her car. She still has all her own teeth, doesn’t need glasses because her eyesight is eagle sharp and her hearing is perfect.

    She has had a hard life, especially in her childhood. She had little to no education and never learnt how to read or write because she lived on a banana plantation that also had dairy cows which needed milking and she and her family had to work very hard to make ends meet. They were too busy trying to survive to go to school.

    For the past few decades she has worked tirelessly for our community as a volunteer, raising money for charities and helping others. In fact, her whole life now revolves around it.

    This wonderful 84 year old woman NEVER complains when I enquire after her health. She doesn’t take any medications except for the occasional paracetamol for “aches and pains”.

    Recently I asked her who her Doctor was and you can imagine my disbelief when she replied she didn’t have one because she had never been sick enough to go to a Doctor! In all her 84 years she has NEVER been to a Doctor.

    Food for thought.


  23. 2:17 am

    Thank you very much, Lily, for sharing that with me.

    Beryl sounds like a remarkable woman and you’re lucky to have her in your life. I’ve known a few women that share many of her qualities.

    In fact, I’m fortunate to have one neighbor on my street that sounds very much like your Beryl. She’s generous to a fault, works tirelessly for charity, tends to her house, never complains and has a wonderful sense of humor. I don’t know much about her upbringing and don’t dare ask her age but it sounds as though she and Beryl have much in common.

    Thank you again, Lily.


  24. 2:25 am

    I am glad the gallbladder is getting its due. I have to admit Don that you are always ahead of the curve when it comes to biting social commentary. Must be all that experience. Just delightful Don, really.

    • 4:42 pm

      Many thanks Fundamental Jelly,

      I learned a while back about the importance of tending to your gallbladder. It’s an often overlooked organ that tends to play second fiddle to the pancreas.

      Thanks for visiting.


      • 5:01 pm

        At the risk of being an anatomical nurd (better than a turd you say), the gallbladder and pancreas both play second fiddle to the intestines, under the guidance of the liver.

        • 5:55 pm

          Many thanks Dave. A good point. And I’m always open to discussions on intestinal matters.

          On the subject of things that turn my stomach, did you see that the New Oxford American Dictionary named “unfriend” — as in deleting someone as a friend on a social network such as Facebook — its word of the year on Monday.

          A banner day for the English language.

          Apparently close runner ups were:

          Undog – To rid oneself of a domesticated carnivorous mammal (Canis familiaris) related to the foxes and wolves and raised in a wide variety of breeds

          Unwalk – To rest with the torso vertical and the body supported on the buttocks.


          Unimaginative – but they found it was already in use.

          Next year I suggest

          Unslang: To rid oneself permanently of lazy, casual and playful speech, made up typically of short-lived coinages and figures of speech that are deliberately used in place of standard terms for added raciness, humor, irreverence, or other effect.

          All the best,


  25. 1:18 am

    Oh my word! First of all, thank you for your speedy comment on my latest post…because before I even finished doing all that linking, posting, stumbling, etc., your comment was up. I’m honored, Sir.

    Secondly, I LOVE your wit, indignation and crabbyoldfartedness. I had no idea you were even here…until now. You, Sir, have made me laugh, and rethink my silly cliches…and step it up.

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!

    Sendin’ hugs, you beautiful crabbyoldfart.

    • 1:08 pm

      Thank you for the kinds words, Taloula.

      I appreciate your taking the time to visit and hope to hear from you again,

      All the best.


  26. 1:30 am

    Sir, you sound like the kind of curmudgeon we need to hear from! YOU GO, GUY!

    I better bookmark this page; I never can find anything and I don’t wanna hear one word about that being an old lady thing, either!

    Hugs from Mother Connie

    • 1:09 pm

      Many thanks Connie and welcome.

      You won’t hear any derogatory “old lady” comments from me. I save my derision for the damned youngsters.

      Thanks again for stopping in.


  27. 3:14 am


    As always, an excellent post. Full of fun, laughter and the perfectly fine hatred of today’s youth.

    Perhaps the tables should really be turned on them and we can revive some of the great diseases from the past to help them along in their world-revolves-around-me self-pitying.

    Lily brought up a few of them (polio, smallpox) but why stop there? How about scurvy? That oughtta take the spring out of their mope, what with having to haul a crate of limes around everywhere.

    Or perhaps some plague of one sort or another, preferably carried by mallrats, that would put this whole thing in perspective for them? They all love the whole dark-clad, vampire thing right now, so a couple hundred funerals in a row out to put the lead back into their bloodstream.

    Great stuff, Don. Keep up the good work.

    • 1:16 pm

      Thanks very much CLT,

      Excellent suggestions one and all.

      I suspect scurvy may be on the horizon for a number of them anyway. It’s been a while since I checked but I don’t believe Frankenberry, Pizza Pockets and crack have an abundance of vitamin C.

      A mallrat plague would be just what the Doctor ordered and more than a little poetic. As you point out, it is perfectly in keeping with their damned interest in vampires (provided those vampires are youthful, brooding, clad in designer slacks and sporting expensive haircuts).

      All the best, CLT. Thanks for visiting.


  28. Sherri permalink
    3:24 am


    I called my boss today and said I couldn’t come in to work today because I had an ailment.

    He asked me what was wrong? I said “I have anal glaucoma.”

    He asked me “What’s that?”

    I replied…”it’s when I can’t see my ass coming in to work!”

  29. 5:33 am

    Some of us have already stolen your dementia. Do you want it back now? I’m finished with it.


    • 4:23 pm

      Thank you Claire,

      I wondered where that dementia had gotten too. You don’t happen to have my house keys, blue socks and “Worlds Sexiest Octogenarian” coffee mug too do you?

      Regardless, you can hold onto it a while longer. At least until your youngest is through his teen years and has moved out of the house.

      All the best. Always a pleasure to have you visit.


      • 5:27 am

        I do have the keys, your blue socks are in the dishwasher, and the coffee mug is being used as a planter in the living room.

        If I get to keep the dementia until my youngest is out of the teen years, then you’re going to have to hang around for about 12 years to get it back!

  30. 1:59 pm

    Too bad the kids don’t steal old people’s driving habits (i.e. going 30 mph on the highway).

    That might be a GOOD thing.

    • 4:23 pm

      Ha! Thanks Friar.

      It’s still a little speedy for my liking (I prefer a cruising speed of 27 mph) but it would be a step in the right direction.

      Best regards,


  31. 3:21 pm

    Brilliantly witty. If I keep reading your posts, at least that will save me from some of the diseases you mention – laughter being the best medicine and all that. But you got a really valid point there. Heart disease, hypertension and diabetes are all striking at a much younger age than before, all probably related to the sedentary, junk-food filled, stressed up lifestyles that the young people lead today.

    In fact, with your permission, I can use this post to educate some of my younger patients into changing their behavioral patterns.

    • 5:28 pm

      Thank you kindly doctoratlarge,

      Always nice to have you stop in. I would certainly agree with your assessment that a sedentary lifestyle and poor diet have played a significant role in the increase of this disturbing medical trend. (I remain unconvinced about the stress but that is a discussion for another day).

      And by all means, please use the post in anyway you see fit.

      All the best,


  32. 3:36 pm

    “Before they’re stealing our dementia? Our hunched backs?”

    While it’s not an “official” illness, the mental capacity of a lot of these teens today sure has a lot in common with good old dementia. The inability to focus on anything for more than three seconds(drugs and fornication excepted) can compete with any senile, triple-stroke senior citizen[*]. And that damned slouching is sure as hell a good start at hunchbackedness(if that’s a word?).

    While I’ll readily admit I’m sort of looking forward to a decent hip condition in order to be able to carry a cane with conviction, I have the patience to wait for it.

    – TJ

    [*] Not to imply that fornication is a major concern of the elderly. Drugs, perhaps, but decent prescription drugs in that case.

    • 5:29 pm

      Many thanks TJ,

      A splendid comment – thank you for sharing your thoughts. I’m inclined to agree that a good number of youngsters today are behaving in ways that would suggest they have already laid claim to dementia. In fact, I have a post in the works on just that subject.

      As for hunchbackedness – I will defer to the venerable Lily Fossil on whether or not that is an actual word but seeing as how “unfriend” has become an official part of the English language I think we could make a strong case for its inclusion. Other alternatives might include ‘hunchbackery” or “slunchedness” (a slouch/hump combination).

      And good on you for waiting for your cane. You’ll find it much more rewarding when you can say that you’ve earned it.

      Always good to hear from you.

      Best regards,


      • Lily Fossil permalink
        6:18 pm

        Dear Donald and Mr TJ,

        I have no problem with the word “hunchbackedness”, though I may have difficulty using it in Scrabble™.



        • 1:18 am

          Thank you both, Mr. Mills and Mrs.(or is it Ms?) Fossil.

          May I say that Hell hath no fury like a senior lady whose spelling is questioned in Scrabble? That’s meant one hundred percent in a positive way.

          Yep, I think waiting for the cane will make it all the more worthwhile. Barring me getting crippled in some horrendous industrial accident, I guess I probably have some thirty years before that glorious day.

          – TJ

  33. 4:16 pm

    They can steal all of the ailments they choose to. However, my “old man” aroma can be copied but never reproduced. Go ahead you young bastards; mix a cocktail of 60’s cologne, hair gel, talcum powder, denture cream, and a wide assortment of other products (plus bodily secretions). It will never be the same. Smoke that in your crack pipe.

    • 1:43 pm

      A fine point Mr. Tannerleah,

      They’ll also never be able to fully emulate an old main’s gait or replicate our ability to grow hair in our ears. Until they can do that – they can kiss my wrinkled butt.

      All the best.


  34. 2:07 am

    You are SO right.

    But you forgot one important point.

    The little rugrats of these revolting people are circling among us panting their little hot breaths of SWINE FLU.

    Any man who has worked to get a paunch, long white hair and a moustache and beard, who combines this with wanting to spread the joy of Christmas and dress up in a red and white suit, is entering the danger zone this year.

    Any of us who makes the mistake of going into a Starbucks in an upscale neighborhood at 3pm in the afternoon is going to be exposed to ipod touting, Wii-thumbed brats who are incapable of speaking at anything other than full volume, thereby projecting their poisonous breath as far as humanly possible.

    And these disease stealing Gen X parents are doing nothing about it!

    Not only are they stealing the diseases of the elderly, they’re sharing the diseases of their offspring!

    I suggest we hold a Coffee party rally, demanding that Starbucks be returned to those of us who pay for our own coffees, and that all revolingly snot nosed little buggers be locked behind closed doors till Spring, and transported to school in hermetically sealed buses.

    • 1:43 pm

      Many thanks itttybittycrazy,

      I have to admit that I hadn’t considered this issue. I tend to avoid coffee shops – largely because they tend to be populated with slack assed young people sitting around complaining about how hard put upon they are while sipping $9 coffees.

      I also tend to do most of my shopping during the morning while the sprogs are in school and the young people are still in bed sleeping off their latest puff of ecstasy.

      Still, you raise an excellent point and I’m all for locking up young people and sealing things hermetically so please add me to your invitation list. That’s one coffee party/rally that I could certainly get behind.

      All the best,


  35. 2:21 am

    Oh for gosh sakes, you must put texting on any worthwhile list of annoyances. What I want to know is this: How did they manage to convince health officials they they need to hot all the H1N1 vaccine? Must they be pigs about EVERYTHING???

    I think it’s all a plot. Granny, come over and take care of me and while you’re at it, would you mine cleaning my place, paying my bills, and restocking the fridge.

    Not having any teens in the family yet, I can’t be sure of this, but I’m certainly suspicious.

    • 1:44 pm

      Thank you very much Merrilymarylee,

      A good point about the texting. It really should be top of the list. As for the vaccine…it’s typical young people behavior. If they are going to be pigs, I’d at least like them to be guinea pigs and act as test subjects. Then, once the safety of a medicine has been confirmed, cut them off and give it to the damned old people who’ve earned the right to it.

      All the best.


  36. CatGod permalink
    3:21 am

    My Gosh Mr. Mills, what are you doing riling up up all these people… Although you do have some great points… I’ll make my fat lazy son read this post… maybe it’ll help straighten him out!

    • 1:45 pm

      Nice to see you Ornery Cat God,

      I’m wondering if, in your role as divine overseer of felines, you might be able to have a word with my neighbor’s Persian about soiling my gardens. I’ve tried reasoning, threats, interest-based negotiation but the damned cat continues to use my rose gardens as it’s personal toilet on a daily basis. If you could see this right I’d be very appreciative.

      As for riling people up – it’s one of the perks of age. You can say whatever the Hell you want and damn the consequences. It’s liberating.

      All the best Cat God. Always nice to hear from you.


  37. 6:25 pm

    Everyone went from Chill Pills to the good stuff it seems. Of course, I’ll take your small pox and tuberculosis and raise you one AIDS and a cancer (doesn’t matter-pick one).
    At least my personal personality disorders make it easy to get in the head of different people, at times literally, makes writing easier. No drinking binges for me like the writers of previous generations. A little caffeine doesn’t hurt though.
    On a side note, have you don’t an rant on shorter words. I just typed tho, thought about who I was typing to and fixed it. Short cuts all around, going for that Big Mac, now.

  38. 10:36 pm

    Dear Done,
    As it turns out, you have hit me in a sire spot.
    Basically I’m sick a lot. I have malformed ear tubes, which cause me to get ear infections often,
    I was born with sub-par lung and thus have asthma and other breathing related problems.

    I’m bit small because I was born premature, though I over come most of the weakness from that by sheer will power.

    My blood pressure and sugar are low because I have Hypoglycemia, which means I can’t eat bread or grains and need to keep my weight down to avoid diabetes.

    I also have back pains, but that is from my large chest, another thing I blame my mother for, aside from drinking and smoking when she was pregnant with me.

    As for Posttraumatic Stress syndrome, I had a loaded God Damn gun pointed to my head, you shut the fuck up.

    I’m not saying being sick is an excuse for being lazy, but being born with a naturally sub par immune system is an excuse for being sick.

    Also, as for church, when they build ones for my Gods, I’ll go but until then, no.

    Sincerely having a Migrane,

  39. 10:53 pm


    Sorry I did not have my reading glasses.

  40. 10:58 pm

    Oh and Tb is still around, though most strains can be cured by antibotics. But it still kills people. And Polo fucks people up int hird world countries

    • 2:14 am

      We also still have the plague, but we don’t have hearses driving around with a bull horn yelling, “Throw out your dead.”

      • Lily Fossil permalink
        4:00 am

        Perhaps “Throw out your good-for-nothing lazy assed young people” instead?

        • 6:53 am

          Ahaha, good one there Ms. Fossil.

          A dead body and a stoned teen in front of a computer does share a striking number of similarities. If one compares the likelyhood of either to;

          – seek gainful emplyment
          – engage in meaningful conversation
          – be carried to their resting place(bed or coffin)
          – exude noisome odours
          – upset the elderly if not encountered in a proper setting(funeral/juvenile penitentiary)

          …. I think we can pretty much say po-tay-to/po-tah-to.


  41. Daniel Johnson permalink
    11:25 pm

    Hello Mr. Mills,

    I just wanted to say; you can’t entirely blame the younger people for this topic.
    Imean, I notice that one in every six or so adult has some type of diabetes or. . . is just obese.
    Isn’t some of it their fault? They let their chidlren get fatter and fatter. They let them eat whatever they want and be spoiled.

    Sincerely, the kid who commented “penis” because it was sort of funny,

    • 1:39 pm

      Many thanks Daniel

      Good to have you back, lad. I remember the phantom penis post very well. Didn’t you use the name “Batman”? An interesting choice – especially when you consider that Mr. Johnson would also have been very apt.

      To answer your question, yes, I do blame the parents. I generally consider them in the young category person too.

      All the best and thanks for putting the mystery of the random penis to rest for me.

      Best regards,


  42. Becca Sokolov permalink
    2:54 am

    This is golden. I work for CDC and we, too, would prefer to keep those old person diseases for you and your peers.

    So glad you found my blog so I could find yours. I’ll be following, and will try to get my cranky old granfather to become a fan over Thanksgiving.

  43. 1:46 pm

    Thank you Becca and welcome,

    Glad to hear I have the CDC on board. Perhaps we could team up for some sort of social marketing campaign?

    Have a happy thanksgiving and pass on my best regards to your old grandfather.

    All the best,


  44. S.N.OMAN permalink
    5:12 pm

    U SUCK OLD FUCKA seriously man fuck your dead mom

    • 6:25 pm


      Apparently, some of the young folks have also stolen Tourette’s Syndrome.

    • 6:33 pm

      Thanks for visiting S.n.oman,

      Although you don’t clearly identify yourself as such, I’m prepared to go out on a limb and guess that you’re a young person. I’m also going to guess that you’re not a member of the school debate team, involved in Boy Scouts of America or a source of considerable pride for your parents. I don’t mean to be judgemental, Frosty, but like you I just call them as I damned well see them.

      I make the assumption about your youth based on the fact that while you use punctuation in the spelling of your name, you don’t use it in the body of your text. (Just in case you’re not sure, punctuation is really just a fancy pants name for periods, commas and things like that). I see it an awful lot. Young people with names like “Lil’-t.urd”. It’s a damned interesting trend.

      Now, I don’t have much to say in regard to your actual comment except that I’m sensing some anger on your part (it was the capital letters that tipped me off). I’m sorry if you’re upset Frosty. Trouble at home? At school? Could be that your underwear’s too tight (that always gets me feeling peevish).

      I know that the teen years can be a daunting time but my advice would be for you try and calm yourself down and think before you react. Dirty language and lewd suggestions are the easy way, Frosty. Time to man up and find a way to express yourself without profanity.

      Nice of you to visit Snowy and happy thanksgiving. That’s one family dinner I’d love to have a seat at.

      All the best and good luck


  45. Lily Fossil permalink
    7:40 pm

    Dear Donald,

    Goodness gracious me. Frosty certainly epitomises the “youf” of today, especially those who go online and type the first thing that comes into their tiny moth infected pea-brains. The gutless wonders wouldn’t have the gumption to say it to your face (or would they?).

    I’m glad you didn’t delete his “comment” Donald. It is a classic example of the lewd, loud, foul-mouthed ignoramus with the irony deficiency that we all know so well and have come to despise. I feel certain Frosty has no idea what I am talking about either.

    Either that, or he (and I am presuming it is a he) could very well have a case of intestinal worms, which as you know can make a person very cranky and irritable and I would recommend he take a dose of Worm Tablets after he washes his mouth out with hard soap.



    • 8:06 pm

      Many thanks Lily,

      I hadn’t considered the intestinal worms. They can cause all manner of unusual behavior. An excellent diagnosis and you may well be correct.

      As we’re speculating, I’m also wondering now if young Frosty may have a touch of Electromagnetic hypersensitivity, Exploding head syndrome or tropical sprue.

      I hope the boy gets medical attention soon. He might be in some peril.

      All the best


      • York Mills permalink
        9:53 pm

        A few of the many things that our benighted and plucky pal S.N.OMAN will never be…

        -The smartest fellow in the room (and I don’t care if it’s just him and a fern – that fern wins the “Higher IQ” count everytime)
        -A source of pride for mom and dad (I don’t even want to think about what he might to do his poor mother once she’s passed on)
        -Mistaken for a genius
        -Out of prison for more than 3 months at a time
        -Abel to add without using his fingers and toes (I’m guessing he likely has an extra toe or two…)
        -Able to master a kitchen utensil
        -Able to grasp that cartoons aren’t real
        -Invited to a gala event (unless it’s to mop the floors)
        -A high school graduate

        Hee hee!

        • Lily Fossil permalink
          10:23 pm

          Yorks! How lovely to see you. I couldn’t agree more with your comments.

          This Frosty fellow has really got my goat up and it did occur to me he is just seeking attention in that gross fashion so many young people these days seem to have developed into an art form. However, rest assured, his attention span is probably less than one minute and by now he has slid on to some other perverted and depraved form of online entertainment.

          Your riled up Lily

        • Friar permalink
          11:22 pm

          On the other hand, I think Frosty shows great promise for a career as:

          – Practice body for tattoo artists-in-training
          – Rap-song lyrics writer
          – Dog-fighting referee

          And maybe (if he works at it), assistant Wallmart Greeter

          • Lily Fossil permalink
            11:41 pm

            Dear Mr Friar,

            The mind boggles at just what form of greetings Frosty would reserve for customers.


            • Friar permalink
              11:58 pm

              Ms. Fossil;

              I suspect it would probably go something like this:

              “Welcome to *&##$!! Wallmart, you old @#$%*%, why don’t you go &*@#%#%! and @#($%#!!!”


              Perhaps Assistant Wallmart Greeter is not such a good idea, after all.

              • Lily Fossil permalink
                12:18 am

                In all honesty, I think even the word “Welcome” would come out all wrong too.

              • 12:21 am

                Too funny Friar!

                But I suspect we might be getting ahead of ourselves with all of this career planning. Before finding work, the boy needs to consider his interests, gauge his strengths and determine his best fit for employment.

                Recognizing that the lad has limited writing skills (or any other skills for that matter) and no work experience he’ll likely need some help getting a decent resume together.

                Frosty, if you’re out there, you might want to include something along the lines of:

                * excellent interpersonal and “horking” skills.
                * Demonstrated ability to button own shirt
                * Often awake
                * Proven ability to manage change (provided your talking about the kind you keep in your pocket)

                We could go on Frosty but I’ll tell you what, lad. If you do read this, and would like to get in touch, I’d be happy to write your whole damned resume for you.

                In fact, I’ll post it on the site and try to find a job for you!

                Consider it a damned christmas gift.


                • Lily Fossil permalink
                  12:23 am

                  Oh Mr Mills, you are too damned funny!

  46. 8:03 pm

    Said Lily, well said, the feckless little wazzer (him, not you!)

    • Lily Fossil permalink
      8:31 pm

      Thank you Dave. You have brightened up my day with the use of the word feckless; it is one of my top ten favourite words and I’m very glad to see it being used.


  47. Lily Fossil permalink
    8:24 pm

    Hmm… I hadn’t considered EHS (Exploding Head Syndrome) but he would certainly have symptoms of that after I whack him over the head with a hard back copy of Merriam-Webster.

    Perilous indeed.

    Methinks, Frosty has earnt his place in the Compendium to the Asshat Hall of Flame.

    • 12:26 am

      Asshat Hall of Flame…this is getting to be too much fun.

      It’s times like this that I miss that brief period earlier in the year when young people like S.N.OMAN were commenting regularly. They’re thicker than two short planks but they can really be funny as Hell.

      • Friar permalink
        1:02 am

        Asshat Hall of Fame….

        Heh heh heh.

        I can see myself writing a blog post about that…

        If Donald doesn’t beat me to it.

        • Lily Fossil permalink
          1:45 am


          I’m quite certain Donald has the Asshat Hall of Flame well under construction.


          • Friar permalink
            4:40 am


            Wouldn’t surprise me. With all his trading cards and board games, Don never ceases to amaze me, with all the new ideas he keeps coming up with.

            I just hope I’m that spry and witty, when I’m his age.

  48. Lily Fossil permalink
    12:30 am

    The Frosty Resume need only contain two words in big red letters


  49. 7:25 am

    Thought I’d try tracking the feckless wazzer masquerading as a pile of winter ice, but not even google can find a blog or facebook page for it. Never mind, revenge is a meal best eaten chilled!

  50. 7:27 am

    And whoever comments next will have the pleasure of being number 150.


  51. Lily Fossil permalink
    10:13 am

    Dear Dave,

    Hooray for me! 150th; mind you that’s about how old I feel. I admire your super sleuthing effort to track the feckless wazzer. I suspect he is so vapid, he dissolves into a gelatinous lump and his profile is so low profile because he has no redeeming qualities whatsoever, even for the Internet.


  52. 2:58 pm

    We’re just too damned lazy, I think.

    I am *definitely* classified as a “young person” but do I get any points for marrying someone 13 years older than me? No? Dammit.

    • 10:10 pm

      Many thanks Jessica,

      Traditional thinking would suggest that the older husband would be the one to earn “points” but I disagree and will gladly assign them to you.

      Thanks for visiting.


  53. 12:22 am

    I am sorry Don, but I have had arthritis in both of my knees since I was 18, and am lining up a knee replacement for my 30th birthday! No one has taken it on as an option for a gift though… Le sigh.

  54. Sue permalink
    12:18 am

    No-one is stealing your ailments Don. Illness and disability have never been exclusive to the old. Hospital wards have been full of all age groups for all sorts of health conditions for years and years. Of course this is outside of most peoples’ awareness who don’t frequent hospitals very much in their lifetime. There are 2,000 disabilities/conditions that can afflict the human race and whether you like it or not, it isn’t “old age” that is disabling, it is “disease” and you as an old person do not have exclusive rights to heart disease, diabetes, kyphosis, rheumatoid arthritis, incontinence, gall stones, chronic illness, gum disease or any other health problem and never have. Your age group just moan about your health more than everyone else. You would do better to earn the respect of young people by broadening your own knowledge about illness and disability issues, so that you don’t come across as a sheltered, ignorant old fart.

    • 3:10 am

      Thanks very much Sue.

      You make a damned compelling argument but I’m not buying it for a minute. It’s the worst kind of bumph and hogwash. I’m sure you’re a decent lass but clearly you have no understanding of medicine, geriatrics or hospitals. You should respect your elders and accept that I know more than you by virtue of my age alone. (Plus I’m a man and you’re a woman.)

      And just so you know, I have no damned interest in “earning” the respect of any young people.

      Thanks for the comment Sue and all the best in your endeavours. I appreciate your taking the time to leave me a note.

      Best regards,


  55. The Celtic Queen permalink
    12:38 am

    The trouble here with us older people Don is that we don’t meet too many ailing youngsters so to a degree Sue is correct. I was never sick either when I was young but on the wrong side of 50 I feel the wheels starting to fall off and I’m for ever moaning about it. Maybe I need a complete grease and oil change.

    • 1:01 am

      But Celtic Queen, you’re entitled to carp a little about a sore back or leg or hip. You’ve earned that right. Unlike the damned young people.

      And this notion that old people “moan about our health” more than the young makes me laugh. If we moan more about our health than they do it’s only because 95% of their day is spent moaning about every other thing in their lives and they just can’t fit it in between complaints about school, parents, cell reception and how generally unfair it is to live in a world where no one understands you.

      All the best,


  56. The Celtic Queen permalink
    2:28 am

    Don you are so right about the young ones. I have two ‘adult’ kids and they don’t want children of their own because they can see how they conduct themselves today. My daughter is a teacher at a Catholic girl’s school and she’s all kidded out when she gets home. Her husband is a dentist and likewise. Little shits biting his fingers annoys the hell out of him. My son loves kids but likes it when they go home. His partner is a lawyer and loves to lay in bed on Sunday just reading the paper. She also has MS so not a good option for her anyway and she’s happy knowing her life will never be disrupted by sleepless nights.
    They will never know how pleased I am that I will never be cranky grandmother. No baby sitting cranky babies and no bottles or nappies. Also no “SICK”
    I’ve told them all I hope that they have wonderful child free lives because you can still have a great life without them. Places to go people to see and after all, when push comes to shove , they choose the nursing home for you. I’d like to do that all by myself.

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