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DANGER: Beware of Young People

I’ve heard from many seniors about their terrifying run-ins with young people. In response, I’ve prepared a simple pamphlet to help oldsters identify young people, avoid them and deal with chance encounters.

(NOTE: I may have borrowed liberally from a State Park brochure on black bears but I make no apologies…a threat is a threat damn it)

bears 1 v5

bears 2 v5_edited-1

I trust this of assistance.

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99 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:36 am

    Don…..your best defense would be any of the following:

    1. Pass gas
    2. Let your dentures drop out
    3. Pull your pants up over your waist
    4. Walk in baby steps
    5. Hack up a loogie
    6. Reminisce about the old days

    Hope these suggestions can be of help to you and your cronies.

    • 1:38 am

      Many thanks for the suggestions, Yorksnbeans, but any serious senior will tell you that they are slightly flawed.

      1) Pass Gas (Unfortunately, when confronted with the stench of indolence and stifling aroma of patchouli oil – mere flatulance will largely go unnoticed)

      2) Let your dentures drop out. (While initially alarming – most young people will recover from the shock quickly, steal your uppers and come back for your gums)

      3) Pull your pants up over your waist. (My pants are always up over my waist. If I pulled them any higher I might no longer need to wear a shirt. Pulling my pants down might, in fact, be a better defence.)

      4) Walk in baby steps. (Seniors have trouble with any instructions or directions that draw comparisons to “babies.” Could be the diaper issue, could be the wrinkles…I’m not entirely sure but I’d be loathe to suggest it.)

      5) Hack a loogie (This is potentially dangerous for an older person and just plain rude.)

      6) A sound suggestion, that one.

      Thanks Yorksnbeans. I appreciate the effort but can’t endorse the suggestions.

      All the best,

      Don

      • 4:30 pm

        Besides, with the violence and meth use prevalent nowadays, a lot of young people have dentures and/or retainers. So the sight of a senior’s dentures dropping wouldn’t be any deterrent.

    • Chloe permalink
      5:21 am

      I kid you not Yorksnbeans, my mother’s elderly friend came over and left her dentures on the table and it totally freaked my brother (17 y/o) and sister out (11 y/o). They refused to sit at the table and eat with them.

      So the denture idea does work!

      But it has to be slimy, foul-smelling, unwashed dentures with bits of food and black plaque-like stains on it – just like the one the elderly lady had above.

  2. 12:50 am

    Geez, Mr Mills ” clap, sing or yell to announce your presence”, are you mad? Alerting them to your presence can only end in tears and bruising. I think it would be better to make like a tree.

    • 1:41 am

      Thanks for the comment frigginloon,

      There is some risk but if you are able to startle them they will sometimes run off to avoid confrontation. As for making like a tree – I have been told that my skin has a certain bark-like quality.

      Many thanks,

      Don

  3. 1:01 am

    Don,

    Enough is enough. Let’s grab our walkers and run away to Florida or Arizona.

    What do you say?

    • 1:44 am

      Scriber’s Web,

      How nice to hear from you.

      A tempting offer, truly, but I suspect your fine family would have some concerns. Besides, while I can still amble about fairly decently, my running days are long behind me.

      So nice of you to visit. I do hope you are well.

      All the best,

      Don

  4. jammer5 permalink
    1:37 am

    If one suffers from Ephebiphobia (fear of teenagers), one must at all costs stay indoors. One must also program their tv so the only channels allowed consists of those where us older peoples brilliant way of life is fully preserved. Ozzie and Harriott come to mind.

    Should a teenager knock on your door, for any reason, face recognition software, via door camera, will instantly recognize the damn punks as teenagers, and sound the recorded sounds of mad dogs and Englishmen at full volume. I can personally guarantee they will never return.

    • 1:58 am

      That or answering the door naked, Jammers!

    • 1:58 pm

      Thanks very much Jammer.

      Very sound advice. I tend to stay indoors as much as possible and only venture out for light garden work, shopping and the recreational scowling. I will give the Mad Dogs and Englishmen method a try but most of the area teens have long since learned that nothing good will come from knocking on my door.

      Sadly, I haven’t been able to locate the Ozzie and Harriet channel on my television set. Seems all I can find are reality programs full of idiotic young people dancing, singing and attempting to trick each other into fornication.

      All the best,

      Don

  5. Lily Fossil permalink
    2:16 am

    Dear Donald,

    I find I seem to be more invisible the older I get, but maybe that’s just because I am female.

    I am not sure about “making like a tree” either. I think if I were to do that it would only draw attention to myself.

    If a whole group of us however, made like trees we would be a forest?

    Confused as usual,

    Lily

    • 1:59 pm

      Thank you kindly Lily,

      Hard to imagine you being invisible to anyone. You’ve always struck me as the sort of woman that makes her presence known and makes it known quickly.

      I’m not sure I can answer your question but it does prompt me to ask, if a senior citizen falls down in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, does anybody give a damn.

      All the best,

      Don

  6. 2:32 am

    i would suggest always having a lawrence welk episode loaded up on the vcr. if you spot a young person, turn it up as loud as it can go.

    if you are in your car, confuse the young person by flicking on the turn signal and leaving it on. oh wait, you probably already do that.

    if you are outside, pelt them with hard candy. unwrap the candy first so that lint will stick to it. that will freak them out (they act tough, but they’re real wusses when it comes to linty candy), giving you more time to unwrap even more candy to pelt them with.

    if they are traveling in packs, as they often do, a good strategery is to compliment one of them. tell him he’s handsome (and looks just like you did 50 years ago) or a good kid or relate how grateful you are to him for giving you mouth-to-mouth when you collapsed a few months ago. the other kids will turn all their attention to him and forget about you entirely.

    don, i think you should make a public service announcement for tv. they have them for the rugrats, so why not for seniors?

    • 1:59 pm

      Nonnie,

      Always a pleasure to hear from you.

      Excellent suggestions and I appreciate your sharing them. The pelting of young people with hard candy is especially inspired and I will be sure to include it in any re-print of my educational pamphlets (I’m expecting the orders to start rolling in shortly).

      In fact, I may just write another letter to the United Nations suggesting that they include “young people pelting” as an integral part of the International Day of the Older Person celebrations. It would a Hell of a lot more fun than a PBS special on dementia.

      Best regards,

      Don

  7. 3:29 am

    Don, you’ve truly topped yourself and really everybody else out there with this one. I haven’t laughed so hard since that unfortunate incident with my pot-dealing dentist.

    It all sort of came together in a haze of N20 and smoke. Someone mentioned “Old School” and we were off. We kind of tailed off for awhile and then someone said something about “Anchorman” and we were right back at it.

    None of this will be covered by Delta Dental who has politely told me that it does not cover “abuse of controlled substances” and under no circumstances will it “eat that cat poop.”

    Anyway, that’s neither here nor there (as far as I can tell, but I haven’t really “come down” yet). Excellent, crippingly funny work, Don. I look forward to your next post as well as this week’s unexpected guest.

    • 2:00 pm

      Many thanks young Liontamer,

      I really have no idea what your comment was about but that didn’t stop me from enjoying it immensely.

      If your insurance company changes their mind about eating cat poop send them my way. I find scads of the stuff in my rose garden thanks to my neighbors obese Persian, Hermes, and would be more than happy to prepare a plate for them.

      You may want to consider dentures, CLT. While they lack the natural charm of teeth, you don’t need to fuss with dentists. Just pop them in the dishwasher once a week and they are good as new.

      All the best.

      Don

  8. 6:19 am

    I say the best defense against young people is a pack of wild dogs.

    Back when my son, Little Napoleon, lived with me I had all manner of useless boys laying about my house, eating my food, stinking up my furniture, and burning my electricity with their X boxes.

    Then I got my beloved blue heeler Otis. Otis knows what’s right and what isn’t and with no training at all, he could see these losers had to go. Soon he started stealing their food, nipping exposed skin, and dragging them to the door by their heels. If he could have opened the door and thrown them into the street, he would have. Before long none of the delinquents wanted to hang out at Little Napoleon’s house because “your mom’s dog is mean.”

    Damned straight, it’s his job.

    • 7:09 am

      Wonderful; but what is a blue heeler?

      Thanks in advance from a thick brit

    • 2:00 pm

      Many thanks yellowcat,

      What a fine dog. I wonder if that’s a trait specific to the breed or if you just picked up a particularly intelligent pup? If it’s innate I’m damned surprised you don’t see them everywhere.

      In fact, if I was ten years younger and a little more active, I’d be inclined to pick one up myself. Sounds like an old man’s best friend indeed.

      Thanks for visiting.

      Don

  9. 7:26 am

    I’ve found tuning the Gimcrack wireless to the Perry Como Half Hour tends to keep the young people away

    • 2:11 pm

      Many thanks Nursemyra,

      Hard to believe that young people are even trying to break into the Gimcrack to terrorize us oldsters. Just goes to show how truly desperate they are. Thanks for taking measures to keep the inmates safe. I’m sure they appreciate your efforts.

      Now you’ve put me in the mood to hear “Prisoner of Love.”

      All the best, Don

  10. Wilbur permalink
    12:54 pm

    Maybe attack is the best form of defense here. My wife Dot, God rest her soul, had an effective strategy of getting the grandkids out of the house when Celia, our daughter, came visiting in the afternoons. She would reach out her arms, pucker her lips and say, “come give your grandma a big kiss”. For some reason they would scoot faster than a mouse in a cattery.

    Might be worth considering as a last resort if you encounter one on your property.

    • 2:11 pm

      That’s a novel approach, Wilbur, and a risky one as well but I agree it might be effective as a last resort. If nothing else, it would be good for a damned laugh!

      Thanks for sharing that. Something tells me I’m going to have to give that one a try.

      All the best,

      Don

  11. 2:24 pm

    It was comforting to see Ranger Smith there on your pamphlet. I thought he would have retired by now. Glad that he’s still around.

    He’s always been a diligent and trustworthy man. An anchor of integrity amid today’s sea of chaos and anarchy.

    …just the type we need to help keep the bears (and/or) the God-damned teenagers in line.

    • 5:37 pm

      Nice to hear from you Friar,

      And very well said….

      I couldn’t agree more about Ranger Smith. Always clean shaven, clad in uniform and ready to do his duty as well. I suspect he would have had a Hell of a career if it weren’t for that damned Yogi pilfering picnic baskets at every opportunity and undermining his authority.

      A thing like that looks bad on a park ranger’s personnel file.

      All the best,

      Don

  12. 3:35 pm

    Follow the entire Black Bear logic.

    You see a pack of teens, just start grunting and growling like a bear. They’ll think you are crazy and potentially packing and back away.

    • 5:41 pm

      An interesting approach Bearman.

      The only problem is that it can be dangerous for seniors to be seen out in public grunting, growling and running around on all fours. It’s just the kind of excuse relatives look for in order to secure power of attorney, sell your home and ship you off to a nursing prison for the rest of your days.

      All the best,

      Don

  13. 4:28 pm

    I was chuckling at a pretty good pace and then I got to “Confuse the young person by offering it a job or telling it about the good old days” and that did it. I reached a full fledged guffaw. Thank you so much, this made my day.

    • 5:43 pm

      Many thanks healingmagichands.

      That’s very kind of you to say. I appreciate it a great deal.

      Best regards and thanks for visiting. Always a pleasure to have you stop by.

      Don

  14. 5:11 pm

    My God was that funny Don! I applaud your creative works. You are a hero among your generation, and the work that you are doing is to be commended.

    I can offer one more strategy that always worked for my great uncle in his waning years. Allow the young hooligans in your neighborhood to believe that you are someone of respect. Blackmail your money-grubbing younger relatives with your will, as you already know how to do so well. Anyway, get them to rent black Lincoln Town Cars when they come to see you. Have them wear nice suits with lots of jewelry and slicked back hair. Have them look menacing and threatening. Those young punks will not only respect you, they’ll fear you. They’ll offer to carry your groceries and cut your lawn.

    It seemed to work for my uncle. It may have helped that his real name was Carlo Gambino too though.

    • 5:52 pm

      Thank you Scott,

      I have to give your Uncle Carlo full marks for this particular ploy. That’s damned brilliant and I only wish it could work for me.

      Unfortunately, the name “Donald Mills” just doesn’t have the same ring or carry the same connotations as “Carlo Gambino.” Add that to the fact that I’ve been seen on a number of occasions wearing a brightly colored tam and walking an obese dachshund and I think you’ll agree that I really don’t register much weight on the “potential menace” scale.

      Regardless, I’ll be sharing your advice with the lads at the seniors centre. It’s too damned clever by half.

      All the best and thanks for the tip!

      Don

      • Lily Fossil permalink
        6:24 pm

        I think “The Don” has a certain malevolent but charming ring to it.

      • 1:38 pm

        I don’t know; so many of the old Don’s were eccentric. Look at Vincent Gigante. He used to walk around in a bathrobe all day muttering to himself. And believe me when I say that having an obese (or even a mini) dachshund doesn’t make you any less of a man. It’s the men with the big dogs who are probably trying to make up for an inadequacy. Probably that they’re hung like a light switch.

        Like Lily said, Donald ‘The Irate Don’ Mills, has a certain ring to it!

  15. 6:07 pm

    You surpass yourself once again! There seems to be no end to your creativity.

    Young people are definitely a menace. Can you believe that the young population of our country is becoming a greater percent of the total population every year, and some muddle-headed economists are calling this a good thing for the economy. How can wasteful irresponsible spending be good for the economy?

    • 1:27 pm

      Thanks very much doctoratlarge,

      I have to admit that I haven’t been paying much attention to the demographic trends. When you get to be my age, long range projections about the changing complexion of the planet and global economic trends become less and less important. I tend to look no further determining my next week’s grocery list.

      Still, I share your assessment that it can’t be a good thing for the economy (or anything else for that matter).

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  16. 7:46 pm

    Don,

    I have absolutely nothing of value that I can add to this outstanding and extremely informative post. Although I’m not a Senior, I am a raver (my nick name is “Sexy Crank Cherry Cougar Fizz”), so therefore I know firsthand what it’s like to be mauled by an extremely attractive, yet socially-naïve young (male) kid.

    Suffice to say, these tips of yours are a godsend.

    Thank-you for the brilliant read, Don. Like your ‘possibly related post’ says, I really should show this to my sister.

    Humble regards,
    Bschooled

    Ps. Looking forward to meeting Mr. Tanager. (He’s not your BFF, is he? Remember, I already called dibs.)

    • 1:27 pm

      Thank you kindly Bschooled,

      Always nice to have you stop in. That’s a Hell of a nickname. You’d be hard-pressed to get that embroidered on a bowling shirt. Still, I don’t suppose young people bowl much anymore anyway.

      I’m sure that you and my old pal Mr. Clifton will get along swimmingly. He’s a Hell of a good lad.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  17. Lily Fossil permalink
    8:19 pm

    I too look forward to Mr Tanager’s guest post, even if it’s with a little bit of trepidation after the Yorks fracas.

    • 3:04 am

      I’m with you on this, Lilly. Perhaps some sort of thread-bouncer is in order.

    • York Mills permalink
      5:50 pm

      Poor Lily can’t seem to stop talking about me and thinking about me. I think it’s safe to say she’s in love with me.

      Hee hee!

      • 5:53 pm

        You da old man, York!

      • Lily Fossil permalink
        7:35 pm

        Poor Lily my foot!

        Funny that you should pop up at the very mention of your name, Yorks. Lurking in the bushes are we? And just for the record, no, I am not in love with you.

        Still, it is nice to see you.

        Lily

        • 2:13 am

          You’re more right than you know Lily.

          “Lurking in the bushes” has gotten York into all manner of trouble in the past. And I’m talking about real bushes.

          I thought we had put an end to that behavior.

          Don

          • 2:37 am

            I think it wasn’t so much the “lurking” as it was the “giggling.” And the “urinating.”

            • 3:40 am

              The “lurking” the “urinating” are all vicious rumours started by the hacks at The National Enquirer and The New Yrok Times. And even if they were true, need I remind you that York is a master thespian, and as such, he is entitled to his peccadilloes… The man was brilliant in “Half-Witted Old Man Titters Groin Mauling Chicks from Planet Merkin and Saves The Day and Gets the Girl and Then Has Sex With Her – Thanks to the Wonders of Viagra!”

              Did you see that one? It was about a superhero old man halfwit who titters groin mauling chicks from the planet Merkin and saves the day and gets the girl and has sex with her thanks to the wonders of Viagra. He’s sure to get an Oscar nod.

              • 3:55 am

                Yes, York of the infamous Shakespeare-in-Times-Square troupe. Most show consisted of them handing out pamphlets for more popular and less-clothed performances.

                I believe none other than the New York City Precinct #122 Police Department Logbook hailed York as a “master thespian and world-beater.” There seemed to have been some sort of transcription error as the typed archive record seems to recall York as being “predisposed to onanistic behavior” as well as an “acolyte of fur-trading.”

                • 4:04 am

                  Don’t believe everything you read in The New York Post, The St. Petersburg Times, The South China Morning Post, The Wairarapa Times, The Sydney Morning Herald, A-Sharq Al-Awsat, The Guardian and The Washington Post.

                  I mean, everything you’ve just stated is true. I’m just saying don’t believe what you read in those papers.

                • 4:07 am

                  Hahaha!!!

                  I don’t believe anything I read and 90% of what I write.

                  (I shall be co-opting this phrase into my complicated legal defense strategy, should the situation arise. And arise at some point, it probably shall, with CF Cussler leading the charge…)

  18. 10:54 pm

    Donald, as always, this is excellent. You are a pro.

  19. 11:56 pm

    Dear Donald

    I have another suggestion for you.

    I suspect that one thing a Teenage Hooligan detests is someone of la troisieme age who tries to be “hip” and talk to them.

    The key is therefore to attempt to engage them in conversation while repelling them at the same time.

    Teenagers think they are so cool with their “code” of slang, and the last thing they want is anyone over 25 participating.

    1) Try butchering the modern vernacular:

    “Hey dood wassuuuuuuuuuup?” (the key here is to draw out the “up” part as long as possible, preferably till you start coughing). I’m feeling totally bangin’ and I’m gonna bee-arch ma tude. You gonna gangsta that gettin’ jiggy with it?”

    2) Even more effective is dated vernacular:

    “Hello young champ. You look like a hip cat. Been to any good discos lately?”

    “Yo your outfit is far out! Hey can you give me the skinny on where a man can get down and boogie in this town? Or can I get some honeys by hanging at yo crib?”

    “Yo funkadelic! You groovy baby and jive turkey today? Or you just mondo cool with yo moofy?”

    3) Most effective – misuse of modern and dated vernacular:

    “Backatcha! You are to the max digging those threads. You bitchin’ a bogart dudet with the freaky deaky and cut the cheese? Catch my drift? Totally sick, dude!”

    “Hey dude! You gonna up hit up the holla? You peeps the phat (pronounced “fat”) po po (that’s as in Edgar Allen Poe, not poo as in poop) in the man? Cos (as in because) I pardy hardy peace out! Go pimpin!”

    Oh, and I’d also recommend pepper spray.

    Best of luck.

    ittybittycrazy.com

    • 1:37 pm

      My goodness,

      Itbittycrazy like a fox! This is damned brilliant. I’d suggest that this approach to young person management is definitely worthy of its own informational pamphlet complete with phrases for different types of encounters (e.g. what to say if approached for spare change, what to say if harassed at the bus stop etc.,)

      Exceptional advice, ittybittycrazy. I’ll commence my studying immediately.

      Sincere thanks,

      Don

  20. Debbi permalink
    3:38 am

    You could always try repeatedly offering them a job. Young people will no doubt flee from such offers, like vampires from a cross.

    • 1:37 pm

      Many thanks Debbi.

      You’re absolutely correct, of course. It’s been proven time and time again. Just shaking the want ads in their direction will generally do the trick.

      Take care and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  21. makya20 permalink
    9:14 am

    Always remember, they’re just as afraid of you.

  22. 1:29 pm

    Fight fire with fire! Tell the young person that you want to fulfill your darkest fantasies with them. They will run so fast, they’ll trip over their low-waist pants!

    • 2:14 am

      Good God Ahmnodt,

      That’s a damned extreme measure. I’ll file that one under “last resort.”

      Good to hear from you.

      Don

  23. 8:36 pm

    I suggest simply buying an AK-47 and spraying anyone who looks remotely troublesome with an entire magazine. I imagine that should keep them away when word gets around. Ok, their maybe be one or two small penalties to pay for this course of action.

    Don, I imagine you to be kind of like Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino.

    • 2:17 am

      Many thanks Jay-Jay,

      A simple solution to a simple problem but I’m far too attractive to go to prison.

      Thanks for the visit!

      Don

  24. 12:45 am

    My dear friend!

    Shame on me, shame on me!!! I’m doing just fine, but with new stuff going on in life. I still read your blog [and I’m still a big fan]. I will soon return to comment and interact with you my old friend. Thanks so much for checking on me!

    • 2:19 am

      Ivan!

      Thanks for stopping in. Glad to hear you are doing well and keeping out of trouble!

      Hope to hear from you again soon,

      Don

      Você teve-me preocupado meu amigo!

  25. YellowRoses610 permalink
    1:19 am

    I am going to let you in ona little secret, many young people of a more hippyish type, can be passified by offers of tea, perticularly Chai, or Coffee. Ciggerates and Soda are also good for passifying most.

    I my self will be easily calmed by talking about literature and what not.

    • 2:22 am

      Many thanks Rose and nice to see you again.

      I trust you are keeping well. Thanks for the tips – I’ll be sure to keep them in mind. The hippy types are never the major concern; we seniors can generally outrun them.

      Nice to hear from you.

      Don

  26. YellowRoses610 permalink
    1:22 am

    Also, how does one put their picture as a thier Icon, I now have a camera and took decent pictures for once.

    • 2:24 am

      There are likely others who are more technically minded but I believe you need to have a wordpress account.

      If you don’t have one, you can set one up at wordpress.com. Once you have an account, you go to your global dashboard, then profile and upload your a picture which becomes your “gravatar.”

      Not bad for someone who still has a rotary phone!

      Don

  27. YellowRoses610 permalink
    1:23 am

  28. Lynn permalink
    1:44 am

    laughing. very creative cowboy but the very fact that you used the term oldster says you are quite young at heart.🙂 loved the post!

  29. Ornery Frank permalink
    3:56 am

    Another fine post Mr. Mills… I used one of the last suggestions on my 20 year old son (offer him a job and protect the wallet!) He didn’t call me for over a year… He did find a job though… He had to because I quit sending him money… A damn fine brochure… with your permission I’d like to reprint and distribute this to the old codgers where I am employed… They could use good advice like this…

    • 7:47 pm

      Many thanks Ornery Frank,

      Glad to hear your son was able to find a job. Nothing like the end of parental cashflow to motivate a lad.

      By all means share the pamphlet with whomever you like. The more old codgers I can reach out to the better.

      Take care and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  30. 4:28 am

    Come at ’em with Lysol. It works like mace on those dirty, scabby punks. Spray ’em and they’ll melt.

    • 7:48 pm

      Excellent advice Tricia,

      And even if they don’t melt, at least you’re helping to clean them up a little bit.

      All the best,

      Don

  31. YellowRoses610 permalink
    5:40 pm

    Thank you Don,I’m terrible with tecknkowlegy

  32. 6:05 pm

    Hey This is Yellow Roses, I was locked out of my old word press acount so I will now use this.

  33. 6:18 pm

    Mission acomplished.
    Thank you Don!

  34. downcastmysoul permalink
    8:30 pm

    Trying to turn them onto what you call “music” will drive them away, Don. Blast it from an old time boom box rather than the modern age MP3 and see if it works. If it doesn’t try some old time Heavy Metal.

    • 8:57 pm

      Many thanks downcastmysoul,

      I’m determined to turn you away from that Heavy metal nonsense. It’s become a bit of a mission for me. You didn’t care for Paul Whiteman and Abba Dabba Honeymoon wasn’t your cup of tea so I’ve decided on something a little more daring.

      In addition to being a fine song, I think you will agree that the music video is damned sensible. No crotch grabbing, exploding cars or semi-nude young tramps shaking their booties.

      I predict that your head banging days will soon be behind you.

      All the best,

      Don

      • Lily Fossil permalink
        9:29 pm

        Let’s sing-a-long !
        Have a banana, Hannah,
        Try the salami, Tommy,
        Give with the gravy, Davy,
        Everybody eats when they come to my house!

        Try a tomato, Plato,
        Here’s cacciatore, Dorie,
        Taste the baloney, Tony,
        Everybody eats when they come to my house!

        I fix your favorite dishes,
        Hopin’ this good food fills ya!
        Work my hands to the bone in the kitchen alone,
        You better eat if it kills ya!

        Pass me a pancake, Mandrake,
        Have an hors-d’oeuvre-y, Irvy,
        Look in the fendel (?), Mendel,
        Everybody eats when they come to my house!

        Hannah! Davy! Tommy! Dora! Mandrake!
        Everybody eats when they come to my house!

        Pastafazoola, Talullah!
        Oh, do have a bagel, Fagel,
        Now, don’t be so bashful, Nashville,
        Everybody eats when they come to my house!

        Hey, this is a party, Marty,
        Here, you get the cherry, Jerry,
        Now, look, don’t be so picky, Micky,
        ‘Cause everybody eats when they come to my house!

        All of my friends are welcome,
        Don’t make me coax you, moax you,
        Eat the tables, the chairs, the napkins, who cares?
        You gotta eat if it chokes you!

        Oh, do have a knish, Nishia,
        Pass me the latke, Macky,
        Chile con carne for Barney,
        Everybody eats when they come to my house!

        Face! Buster! Chair! Chops! Fump!
        Everybody eats when they come to my house!

        Everybody eats when they come to my house!

        • Lily Fossil permalink
          9:32 pm

          Just watch out for splinters in your tongue when you eat the tables and chairs.

          • downcastmysoul permalink
            4:13 am

            Don’t lick the stove Grover,…don’t hump the fridge midge. It’s got some more…zing…to it than the last songs you put up. He (Cab Calloway)had a name to rhyme with all kinds of food. Gotta post a *rock* song some day when I decide what to post… Should it be about food?

  35. 9:51 pm

    Hey Don you should blast Sinatra, Ella fitzgerald and Nina Simone, that should keep no good young bastards away.

  36. 7:38 pm

    Mr Mills

    Thank you for the kind words…and again whipper snappers more afraid of you..then you to them…..but the above is right on the money..zman sends

  37. Lily Fossil permalink
    8:26 pm

    What happened to Mr Tanager’s mid week guest post?

    • 9:10 pm

      My apologies Lily,

      A slight change of plans. Entirely my fault. I’m hopeful that Mr. Tanager’s guest post will be available soon but in the interim, it will be just me I’m afraid.

      Don

  38. Lily Fossil permalink
    9:35 pm

    Dear Donald,

    That is quite OK; I was just wondering.

    Lily

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