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Affronts to Old People #7: God Damned Teenage Trick or Treaters

Few things chaff my thighs more than damned teenagers who don’t know when to hang up the pillowcase and stop trolling for free candy on Halloween.

I have no objection to doling out some boxed raisins or wintergreen lozenges to a damned 3-year old in a Garfield costume but I get pretty incensed when some pock-marked 17-year old smelling of old bong water and sloth shows up at my door with a insolent scowl and a demand for free food.

In my day, teenagers didn’t go trick or treating – we were too busy holding down jobs, harvesting crops or overseas serving in the armed forces. But nowadays it seems young people trick or treat into their early 20s. Half the “kids” that bang on my door are over six feet tall, have five o’clock shadow and voices deeper than Elaine Stritch.

And, Jesus Christ, if you insist on coming to my door looking to scrounge some hard candy at least work for it. These damned teens refuse to say “trick or treat,” won’t make eye contact and sure as hell don’t bother with costumes. They dress as “rappers” or “gangstas” and stick a sack under your nose while text messaging their location to other scurrilous moochers in search of easy prey.

If they intend to carry on with this shameless behavior the least they could do is dress like hobos or – perhaps more accurately – petty thieves.

And to add insult to indignity, they’re pounding on my door at 9 o’clock when I’m already in my nightshirt and well after the time that most legitimate trick or treaters have already gone home, gorged themselves senseless and thrown up on the area rug.

I’d send them running with their tales between their legs but they always have an air of violence about them. Rebuke their sniveling demands and you’re likely to find your pumpkins violated, your rose bushes covered in toilet paper and your windows spattered with eggs.

Well, threat or no threat, this year I’m saying “No”.

Be advised that any damned teenager who shows up at my door this Halloween won’t be getting anything but a copy of the want ads, directions to the local military recruitment centre and a cane to the side of the head.

Happy Halloween. Now get the Hell off my lawn.

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137 Comments leave one →
  1. David permalink
    12:25 am

    If some teen smelling like sloth dares violate my pumpkins, the damn fool better be wearing his father’s bullet proof vest and be ready to run like a bat out of hell.

    I’m fed up with these ne’er-do-wells and I’m not taking it any more!

    • 12:22 pm

      Many thanks David,

      That’s the Halloween spirit, lad. Give ‘em Hell.

      It’s time people started sending a message to these damned pumpkin violators and it sounds like you’re just the man for the job.

      All the best and good luck on the 31st.

      Don

  2. 12:37 am

    Happy Halloween, Don! I’ll tell the boys to make sure to stop by your house well before 9 pm. We don’t want a repeat of last year. I know you didn’t appreciate the mild heart attack and the boys didn’t like the cane to the head. Who would’ve guessed that such a simple trick could have went so horribly wrong? Anyway, if anyone’s hiding in your closets this year, they aren’t related to me.

    • 12:22 pm

      Nice of you to visit Claire,

      I appreciate your having a word with the boys, Claire. I realize that they’re just trying to have some damned fun but there are only so many mild heart attacks a man can endure (and I’d like to save one for Christmas).

      I’ve put some molasses kisses aside for the lads. I don’t usually dole out the good stuff, but the boys have shown some restraint on the skateboarding and cursing fronts and I think they’ve earned a special treat.

      All the best,

      Don

      • Keith permalink
        1:38 pm

        This is hilarious because i hope you realize that every single word you print on this website is (unless your living in bridgeport) directed at maybe 3-4 kids per-town.

  3. 12:40 am

    I’m fortunate to have a large black lab, and a husband who works in law enforcement. When we first moved into our current home, located in the ghetto, I used Halloween as an opportunity to don his uniform (the husband’s, not the dog’s) and give out candy. When people asked if I was really a cop, I said, “No, but my husband is!”

    Interestingly, we are the only people on our street who haven’t had our vehicles broken into.

    Right on about the trick-or-treating, Mr. Mills. Just say no.

    • 12:23 pm

      Nice to see you again BKT,

      I hope you’ve been well. Your comment reminded me of an old neighbor of mine. She had a large black husband and a lab in law enforcement. A nice family all way around but they moved back in ’73.

      I like your idea about sending a message to the community and only wish I had a police uniform I could use. (I have a dog collar but I don’t imagine that would have the same impact and it might just end up attracting the wrong kind of crowd.) I guess I’ll just have to make do with a scowl and a cane.

      Fortunately, my LeSabre has been safe from break-in. I suspect the reason may be that all it has inside is a handful of Werthers, an old a.m. radio and a crocheted emergency blanket.

      Many thanks for visiting BUT. Hope your young ones enjoy their Halloween.

      All the best,

      Don

  4. 1:22 am

    Jesus Christ, that’s scary.

    I’ve hit on the idea of answering the door well pumped-up and in full BDSM gear, including bullwhip and thigh-high boots. Once word gets around I figure mothers will absolutely veto the corner house (mine) when they take their kids around the ‘hood in coming years.

    I’ll end up needing a chiropractor visit because those damn boots are a menace but the effect will be worth it.

    • 7:04 am

      hey sledpress I actually did that one year! the kids kept on coming though…..

    • 12:33 pm

      Thanks kindly Sledpress,

      I’m assuming it’s the notion of teenaged trick or treaters you find scary and not my DIY Don Mills mask kit?

      Although I’m not likely to follow your idea, I have to admit that if I were to answer my door with a bullwhip in hand and wearing thigh high boots I’d probably never be bothered on Halloween again. In fact, if word got out (and I suspect it would) it could also lead to the end of Jehovah’s Witnesses, door to door salespeople and other unsolicited and annoying visitors.

      It’s damned tempting.

      Anyway, good luck with your plan. A trip to the chiropractor is a small price to pay.

      Best regards,

      Don

      • 1:28 pm

        No, actually I did think it was the mask kit that was scary. But I think we’d all pay money to see you in the boots.

  5. Debbi permalink
    2:16 am

    OMG, Don! You’ve outdone yourself again. Cane upside the head, indeed.

    You aren’t the one who started that nasty habit of putting razors in apples, are you?

    When those oversized hoodlums come to your door, I suggest you greet them with a 44 Magnum (not loaded, of course, but they don’t have to know that, do they?), a wicked smile and the words, “Do you feel lucky?”

    • 1:03 pm

      Thank you Debbi,

      I assure you that putting razors in apples in not something I engage in or condone. I prefer to be upfront when expressing my displeasure. I’ll happily throw an apple at a 18-year old trick or treater but I stop short of anything potentially lethal.

      Besides, I don’t think anyone under 40 as ever actually eaten an apple.

      And an interesting notion on the “44.” I’ve tried that approach with door to door salesmen with good results but ran into some trouble with local law enforcement when I used it on the paper boy (kids today have no damned sense of humor).

      Nice to see you again. Thanks for visiting.

      Don

  6. 2:37 am

    Mr Mills

    Very happy to see that you have taken my idea onboard concerning the halloween costume…..its a duel purpose for me…. My youngest nephew will be donning the (excuse the pun) the Mr Don Mills costume, complete with a can of brill creme in his pocket and a copy of field and stream in his back pocket. The other great use is i can scare off the crows on my crop if you dont mind i will post it on the the scarecrow….quite right about the feckless good for nothing 18 year olds….trick or treating…i get out the mower and the clippers ..the want a babe ruth bar get to cuttin the grass….i tow the line at the little ones as a ballarinas and the boys as star wars characters…hope your halloween is delightful..zman sends

    • 1:04 pm

      Many thanks Zman,

      Hope your nephew has a grand Halloween. He’s sure to be a hit in his Donny Mills costume. The Brylcreem and copy of Field and Stream are a very nice touch but don’t forget to put the boy in a cardigan and a sensible pair of corduroy trousers as well. If he’s going to dress the part, you want him to look authentic.

      And by all means, pop the mask on the scarecrow as well. If it works, please let me know. I might try a similar approach to see if I can scare of my neighbors cat.

      Have a good Halloween, Zman.

      All the best,

      Don

  7. 2:49 am

    Don,

    A well placed razor blade never goes out of style.

    Yours in ‘eliminating the looters in life’,

    Kelsey

    • 5:20 pm

      Thank you Kelsey,

      I appreciate the suggestion but, as noted above, I have some concerns about inadvertently injuring one of the young ones and prefer to stay on the right side of the law.

      Plus, a cane to the head is more rewarding. I get to see the results of my work immediately and in person.

      Always a pleasure to have you visit Kelsey.

      Best regards,

      Don

  8. 4:36 am

    you know, ex-lax wrapped in a little tin foil can look very much like miniature hershey bars. just sayin’.

    • 5:21 pm

      You’re a crafty Devil, Nonnie, and I mean that as a compliment.

      Fortunately for me, I’m well stocked in both the tin foil and laxative department. Hattie is due in this afternoon and rather then light housekeeping, I think we’ll head straight to the basement and begin production of the Don Mills “I can’t believe it’s not Hershey” candy bar.

      Thanks kindly for the suggestion.

      Best regards,

      Don

  9. 4:39 am

    I always keep a bowl of “special” candy by the door for just such occasions. The last time I had to use it (Halloween-1987), local stores had an unexpected run on toilet paper. I had one group of such semi-sentient seventeen year old punks beat on my door last year. I grabbed the “special” bowl, looked em in the eye, and the damn punks took off running like bulls after they’ve seen clipping shears. I expect I’m good for another twenty years.

    By the way, I cut out the mask and wore it to Denny’s and got a free cup of coffee with my breakfast. The cashier said if I wore it again, I might get something else. Wonder what that might be?

    • 5:44 pm

      Many thanks Jammer.

      Sounds like a solid plan and glad to hear it’s getting results.

      I’m also pleased that you were able to make use of the mask and get a free cup of coffee at Denny’s. It’s the least they can damned well do. I’m not sure what else the cashier might have been referring to but if I were you I’d hold out for a grand slam. No better way to start your day in my estimation.

      Good luck and let me know how that works out for you.

      All the best,

      Don

  10. 5:00 am

    I have ducks who lay more eggs than I can pick up. As a result I’m planning to give out chocolate covered rotten duck eggs to any teenagers who show up at my door. Damned freeloaders.

    • 5:44 pm

      Many thanks yellowcat,

      Personally, I’d save the expense of the chocolate and either just toss the eggs at them directly or roll them around in mud before handing them out.

      Damned freeloaders indeed.

      Nice to hear from you.

      Don

  11. 7:05 am

    Don, I know this is a little off-subject, but may we see a photo of you in that nightshirt you mentioned?

    • 5:45 pm

      Goodness gracious, Nursemyra, what a request.

      I’m tempted – if only because it’s Halloween and you’d be hard pressed to find a scarier sight – but think I will have to decline. In addition to being indecent, there is the practical reality that my camera stopped working about 14 years ago. And there is no way in Hell I’m asking Mrs. Higgins from across the street to come take digital photos of me in my nightshirt.

      She’d either faint, call the police or attempt to have me committed. Likely all three.

      Nice to hear from you and thanks for the laugh.

      Don

  12. 1:00 pm

    That’s what is wrong with America today. They don’t try. Instead they try to pass off crap merchandise as worthy. How many times did you blow up that picture on the mask so it is pretty undetectable?

    • 5:47 pm

      Thanks Bearman,

      Not my best effort I admit but I was limited in my resources. I was going to use your fine illustration but truth be told it’s just not as scary as the real McCoy.

      All the best,

      Don

  13. 1:08 pm

    My father used to have a full-proof way to make sure the kids came once and only once in their lifetimes. He used the old SNL skit of The Coneheads; if the kid was under 12 he gave them a beer. If the kid was over 12, he gave them a potato. There were many unhappy neighbors, but nobody ever, ever came back. Try it out!

    Here in Spain they do it right. All the tots stand quietly by the side of the road while people dressed as saints pelt them in the face with hard candy while driving by in cars. Maybe I’ll capture it on video this year.

    • 6:45 pm

      Nice to hear from you Scott,

      Your father sounds like a sensible man. I like the idea of giving the older kids a potato. I can just imagine the dropped jaws and looks of total confusion in their faces. I’ll give that part a try but don’t generally keep beer in the house and can’t see myself offering up a shot of rye to the little ones.

      I have to tell you Scott, the more you tell me about Spain the more I think I need to visit. The “pelting with hard candy” tradition is something I can definitely get behind. If you’re ever able to get that on tape, you’d be doing me a big favor by sending a copy me way.

      Best regards,

      Don

  14. 4:26 pm

    Debbi is right, you’ve definitely outDON yourself again. HA! (Sorry, I’ll stop with the hilarity-ensuing comments now)

    I agree 110% Don…once you turn 17, your trolling for tricks and treats days should be over. Any older and you start looking less like a cute little Hannah Montana, and more like an old weathered Cougar, trying desperately to maintain her sugar-high by providing sexual favors in exchange for a few broken mini Kit-Kat bars and a handful of stale licorice goodies.

    *Ahem*

    Anyway, with your kind permission, I was hoping to use your mask as well. I’m volunteering at the Hospital that day, and it would be the perfect opportunity for me to pay tribute to a man I respect and admire. In fact, with a little creative thinking, I’m sure I could find a way to combine your mask and my original costume idea.

    Picture this-

    Your distinguished face

    A pair of old man slippers (courtesy of my Grandpa Ed)

    A tutu and brightly decaled tiara

    I’ll throw it all together, then spend the entire day hobbling around in circles, dragging around an IV drip and randomly yelling things like “GOD DAMNED URINATING TEENAGERS MAKE ME LIVID!”, and “WHERE THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP THE GOD DAMNED MARIJUANA TABS??”

    (I know the tutu might be a bit much, but I’d just hate to see a perfectly good ballet outfit go to waste)

    Anyway, let me know if that’s alright. I know the patients would appreciate it.

    Thanks for another brilliant post, Don. You are most definitely an anomaly (albeit an extremely old one).

    Your friend,
    Bschooled

    Ps. FYI, Vaseline works wonders on chaffed thighs.

    • 6:46 pm

      Bschooled,

      Please feel free to use my likeness in anyway you see fit. If my old mug and your creative costuming can bring a few moments of pleasure to the infirm then you have my blessing.

      Besides, it’s nice to see a young person interested in volunteering – especially when it isn’t court-ordered.

      Be careful though. Hospitals sometimes get antsy when seniors (or people dressed up as seniors) start yelling indiscriminately and walking around in circles. I’d hate to see them mistakenly sedate and admit you. Seniors have no problem getting into hospitals but getting out is a whole other story.

      All the best,

      Your friend.

      Don

      • 11:35 pm

        Good point, Don.

        (Perhaps I should just stick with the slutty ballerina costume this year)

  15. 4:33 pm

    Don, you need to be careful about making large masks of yourself. I would hate to think that some guy in prison got a hold of this and cut a hole where your pretty mouth is. I would personally be appalled by such behavior but prison is hard on a man…so hard.

    • 6:46 pm

      Many thanks for the words of caution Tannerleah.

      I have to admit that I hadn’t considered anyone using my mask for nasty purposes but then again I’ve never been told I have a pretty mouth either. I’ve been told my earlobes aren’t without their charms but that was a long time ago and before hair started sprouting from them.

      Who knew? I guess I’ll chalk it up to lip balm. I chap easily and tend to always have a tube at hand.

      I’ll exercise more caution in future, lad. Thanks again for the advice.

      Don

  16. 5:32 pm

    This truly brightened my day good sir! Thank you for your thoughts! I’m sure I fall under the category of “young people today”, but take it from me, I whole-heartedly agree on this subject and many others! Take care.
    xoxo

    • 6:47 pm

      Many thanks Mamahiggins.

      I don’t suppose there is any chance you’re related to my neighbor Mrs. Elma Higgins (referenced earlier in the comments in regard to photographing me in my nightshirt)? If you are, I apologize and assure you that I would never consider asking Elma to do anything unseemly. She’s a decent enough woman – I just wish she’d learn to control her cat.

      Anyway, thanks very much for visiting. You take care as well.

      All the best,

      Don

  17. 6:59 pm

    “They dress as “rappers” or “gangstas” “.

    Heh heh.

    You forgot “skank”.

    But you know, at least if they made some kind of effort…even if they just wore deely-boppers on their head or wore stupid sunglasses or something. Then I wouldn’t mind so much…

    But they’re too god-damned lazy to do even THAT.

    Not to mention too cheap to buy left-over candy the next day, at 50% off. Like us grownups do.

    (What? They can’t afford $2.99 for a discounted bag of Mily Ways?)

    • 8:20 pm

      I couldn’t agree more, Friar.

      It’s the damned lack of effort that really gets me mad. I make a habit of doing nothing and saying nothing until – at minimum – one of the gangly gangsters gives me a hollow “trick or treat.” They hate to do it but I won’t budget until they do.

      It’s worth it just to watch them squirm.

      All the best, lad.

      Don

  18. 7:02 pm

    My friends in college used dress up and go out for “Trick-or-Drinks” on Halloween. They received many complimentary shots of whiskey.

    Cheers.

    • 8:22 pm

      Thank you saratoday,

      I’m shocked by the practice but even more surprised they were successful. I can’t see me opening my liquor cabinet to a bunch of half-drunk college kids.

      Thanks for visiting and thanks for the comment. Have a happy Halloween.

      Best regards,

      Don

  19. 7:45 pm

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    I was going to use your photo to make a fun Halloween decoration, but when I tried to click and drag it to my desktop, instead of it appearing on there, one of my files disappeared! Calamity! This has never happened before. Is this some sort of clever trick you’re doing for Halloween? Please tell me how I can retrieve my file!

    • 8:18 pm

      Goodness gracious Fantastic Forrest,

      I’m sorry about your file but I can assure you that I’m nowhere near technologically savvy enough to pull a prank of the type you describe. It’s nothing more than a simple picture file that I uploaded to wordpress.

      My apologies if you’ve lost something as a result but I can honestly say it was nothing of my making.

      I hope you find your missing file.

      All the best and please let me know the outcome.

      Don

  20. Emily permalink
    8:41 pm

    I stopped trick-or-treating when I was 8-years old. Last year, a group of friends of mine started hosting Halloween parties. Not the drinking sex kind, but just dressing up, sitting around a bowl of candy, and watching whatever God awful Halloween movie MTV decided to spout out that night. This theme is anything 1920s. I’m going as a flapper girl and a close friend of mine is going to be a 1920s gangster, cigar and gun in all.

    • 4:16 pm

      Many thanks Emily,

      Truth be told I didn’t know there was a “drinking sex kind” of Halloween party. Not surprisingly, I’ve never received an invite to one of those. I assumed that things got no wilder than bobbing for apples and drinking small amounts of rum punch while dressed as Count Dracula.

      Regardless, your 1920s party sounds like a rollicking good time and I hope you enjoy yourself immensely.

      And good on you for stopping at a decent age. I believe I retired from trick or treating at about the same time.

      All the best,

      Don

  21. 11:06 pm

    Mr Mills, I’m sure you’ve been asked this before but, when are you offering the T-Shirts for sale… I imagine your handsomely aged face on the front and some sort statement like “Eat Shit you young Punks” or “Respect your elders or I’ll whip your Ass” or the like on the back… I’d order one… I would guess that with the monies you would make, you could purchase a blanket to warm your skinny old legs with… Just a thought… Thanks for the free Halloween Mask. My deepest respects…

    • 4:17 pm

      Thanks for visiting Ornery Frank,

      I hadn’t given any thought to slapping my mug on t-shirts. To be honest, I don’t imagine my face is of use for much more than scaring the wee ones on Halloween. Besides, my days of commerce are well behind me and beyond the occasional foray into the world of trading cards, I’ve pretty much hung up my interest in generating additional income.

      Still, if you were to whip up a batch of t-shirts with slogans like “respect your elders or I’ll whip you ass” you could count on me as one of your first customers. If you could work it into a decent cardigan sweater, all the better.

      All the best,

      Don

  22. Lily Fossil permalink
    12:58 am

    Dearest Donald,

    I’m afraid I am having trouble getting the image of you in a pink tutu wearing knee-high white stiletto boots, a night shirt, running around in circles on your lawn, waving your cane at poor Mrs Higgins cat (and her watching all the while from behind her lace curtains) out of my head!

    As you may or may not know, here in Australia we don’t celebrate Halloween, except if we happen to have the odd North American family in the ‘hood. (yes, I do try to be hip and keep up with the young uns speak).

    So just in case,I have found some old some laxative tablets and wrapped each of them prettily in foil. “Eat Shit You Punks” indeed.

    Most of the young womens’ “costumes” I have seen so far make them look like common prostitutes. So this is what they mean by “tricks”?

    Dazed and confused,

    Your bloomin’ Lily

    • 4:19 pm

      So nice to hear from you Lily,

      I’m sorry about the image – that isn’t one I’d want to be carrying around in my head. Sometimes the comments here wander off in strange directions.

      You’ll have to excuse my ignorance but I had no idea that Halloween wasn’t celebrated in Australia. I imagine it must be a bit of shock for the North American’s when they venture out looking for free food. While I wouldn’t want this to be widely circulated, I actually enjoy having the young ones come to my door. Children (before they become damned young people) are inoffensive enough from a distance and can be rather cute when dressed as pumpkins, witches, pirates and the like. My only complaint would be that I wish more families made their own costumes instead of wrapping their offspring in pre-fab plastic costumes purchased from the Walmart.

      And I agree about the young ladies dressing as prostitutes. It’s a damned shame as far as I’m concerned and both they and their parents should be well and truly ashamed.

      I hope you get a chance to dispense your treats!

      Happy Halloween and best regards,

      Don

      p.s. excellent use of the word “hood”.

  23. 2:38 am

    I remember the good old days when you could razorblade the oranges and dip the Babe Ruth’s in pesticides without the friggin police coming down on you like a ton of bricks!

    • 4:20 pm

      Thanks Frigginloon,

      Indeed times have changed. Although, on the upside, I suspect that candy bars today have enough pesticides, poisons, chemicals and other insidious crap built into them that they more than make up for it.

      All the best,

      Don

  24. downcastmysoul permalink
    3:49 am

    Here’s an idea to get rid of “older” trick or treaters: hand each big hairy “kid” a Bible tract.

    • 4:20 pm

      Many thanks downcastmysoul,

      That’s an excellent idea. I’m absolutely going to take that suggestion. Not only will it disappoint them this year but it will make damned sure I never see them darken my door again.

      Sincere thanks,

      Don

      • 5:27 pm

        …unless they come back with the rest of their sect, intent on holding bible meetings at your house.

      • downcastmysoul permalink
        6:02 pm

        Guaranteed! The heathens won’t come within a mile of you now.

  25. 10:41 am

    I couldn’t agree more with this one.

    I live in a relitively quiet and small village in England and even here we are plauged by shambling, barely-literate, obnoxious little shits with their heads covered by hoods. My soulution? It’s simple. Where I live is so small that tracking anyone who should feel the need to disrupt the sanctuary of my home using projectile dairy products is easy. I simply ensure that whatever splatters across my home is revisited on them and theirs by 10 fold and with total anonimity.

    Childish? yes, but it’s bloody satifying.

    • 4:21 pm

      Many thanks Jay-Jay,

      You’re lucky to be able to track the culprits down and exact your revenge. And I wouldn’t say it’s childish – I’d say it’s damned justice.

      Good luck this year and if you do end up pitching eggs, toss one for me would you?

      Many thanks for the excellent comment.

      All the best,

      Don

    • 5:24 pm

      Nice one Jay-Jay.

      Trick or treat is one of the nastier US imports into the UK, after McDonalds and ‘Friends’.

      Whatever happened to ‘Penny for the Guy’?

      • 10:51 am

        WELL SAID Nobbly, one of the numerous imports from USofA that we could well have done without!

        (PS Please direct all abuse at him he started it…)

  26. 12:53 pm

    “Nightshirt” bwah-ha-ha…that should scare the little uckers away…

    • 4:22 pm

      Thank you Xup,

      I expect it would. I’ve caught sight of myself in the mirror even scared myself.

      Best regards,

      Don

  27. 5:20 pm

    Well, hello Mr Mills!

    Trick or treating is a disgraceful pursuit, and should be banned forthwith.

    If mealy-mouthed politicians are serious about this so called ‘war on terror’, they should clamp down on oiks in masks terrorising old folk.

    ‘Trick or treat’ is a serious misrepresentation of the activity; ‘give us some food or we’ll break your windows’ would be a more accurate description.

    • 12:36 pm

      Greetings Nobbly,

      Nice to hear from you lad. I whole heartedly agree and would definitely support some type of legislative reform that limits trick or treating. While it is hard to draw a line in the sand, they may want to consider prohibiting young people from this nasty candy grab if they fall into any one of the following categories:

      – Are over 5’7” tall
      – Shave 3 times a week or more
      – Have already celebrated their 12th birthday
      – Wear a shoe size of 6 or larger
      – Are too “mature” to wear an Odie, Garfield or Telly Tubby Costume
      – Are a pack a day smoker
      – Are sporting a tattoo

      It’s not a comprehensive list, but it would give the damned legislators a place to start.

      Thanks for visiting. Hope all is well with the Hatters.

      Don

  28. 5:52 pm

    I won’t use your mask as a mask, but I will hang it on my door to discourage freeloaders for asking for candy.

    • 12:37 pm

      Many thanks Ahmnodt,

      Hopefully it will do the trick. Leave it up long enough and it might also scare off Santa. Good luck and happy Halloween.

      Best regards,

      Don

  29. 6:53 pm

    This is exactly like teenagers in our country, who swarm all the respectable houses in town at the time of the festival of Diwali, looking for donations, so that they can buy firecrackers and create an almighty ruckus the whole night long.

    This year I plan to use your mask to scare these numbskulls away.

    • 12:37 pm

      Thanks Kindly doctoratlarge,

      I’m not too familiar with the festival of Diwali – I’ll have to look it up and do some reading on that.

      Glad you were able to make use of the mask. Hopefully it will help in keeping the damned moochers from your door.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  30. Mystsong permalink
    10:21 pm

    The last time I went trick or treating was two years ago. I was a victim of the Black Plague. Most of the old people in my neighborhood thought it was a hilarious idea. (I had bronchitis at the time and made quite a convincing sick person) Certainly more of an attempt than the teens that would go around when I was still young enough to be considered “Legit” I swear one of them had a baseball bat…

    If you really don’t want to be bothered by older tick or treaters, turning off your porch light is the universal sign for “no loot here”

    • 12:39 pm

      Interesting concept Mymtsong,

      Typhoid Mary might have been another interesting choice. I’m not sure that traveling from house to house while contagious is in the best interest of public health but if you manage to bring a few chuckles to the neighbors I suppose there’s no harm done. And it’s nice to see that you put some thought and effort into the costume.

      I’ve seen a teen trick or treater with a bat too. Claimed to be a ball player but I’ve never seen a baseball uniform that included baggy jeans and a hoody before. I suspect it was all really just in aid of late night pumpkin violation.

      I would turn my light off but I enjoy the seeing the wee ones in their costumes. I could shut the light off at 8 p.m. but there is still the threat of violence and, besides, I don’t see why I should have to hide in my recroom just because some damned teenagers are out on the prowl for free food.

      Nice to hear from you again. I hope you’re well.

      Have a happy Halloween.

      Don

      • Mystsong permalink
        7:07 pm

        I will have a happy Halloween. A bunch of my friends from college and I are going to a dance one of the local veteran’s clubs is hosting.

        I wasn’t actually contagious at that point. I tend to get secondary chest infections after every bad cold or flu I get. It’s not at all fun, but it was an entertaining evening.

        The little kiddies are quite cute, aren’t they?

  31. jimmyboi2 permalink
    2:32 am

    Damn their rotten hides! Round ’em up and send them all to China, where they don’t HAVE Halloween!

    • 12:40 pm

      Thanks Jimmyboi2,

      I’ve suggested that to my local and state representative on a number of occasions. Seemed like a sensible solution to the Halloween problem (and numerous other issues as well). Unfortunately, for some reason, they don’t seem to take the idea seriously.

      Shame.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

  32. 2:44 am

    Me and Bhodi and Flea and some other guys just pulled a series of daring daylight bank heists using your mask. Just thought you’d like to know.

    I’m sure when the authorities come by (and they will, if I know the tenacity of ex-quarterback FBI agents and their toothy but insane “handlers”) they’ll be able to sort out that you aren’t four or five guys and that you couldn’t be expected to answer the door unaided, much less perform a high speed on-foot chase (just you, the cops and the cameraman).

    However, they’ve also been known to tase senior citizens and toss their asses in jail for going over the gram limit on their pseudophedrine purchases. You may want to contact a lawyer in advance.

    Sincerely,
    That other guy whose name nobody can remember but was an integral part of the heist/surfing team.

    • 1:09 pm

      Many thanks for the early warning CLT.

      I don’t mind saying that you’ve got me a little agitated. I used to know a few G-men back in the Hoover days and they weren’t lads you wanted to upset. I’ll call my lawyer, Skippy Shand, right away and see if I can’t put this matter right.

      Now, more importantly, you’re going to want to abandon this life of crime immediately. Pilfering and petty mayhem leads to nothing but prison, heartbreak and tears. Turn yourself in now and turn your life around before it’s too damned late.

      The “Flea” lad sounds like a hopeless case. I’d consider pointing the finger at him as “mastermind” and cutting yourself a deal. If you need a cheap lawyer, let me know. This Shand fellow wrote my last will in exchange for a beer, 6 grapes and a Nutella sandwich.

      All the best,

      Don

  33. 3:02 am

    I’m with you! I hate having my pumpkins violated. But how do you know what old bong water smells like? Huh?

    • 1:10 pm

      Nice to see you Carol,

      Glad we’re on the same page with respect to violated pumpkins.

      As for the bong water, I learned about it as part of an adult education course at my local seniors centre entitled “How to identify and protect yourself from shifty, drug addled young people.” It’s a very comprehensive half day course and well worth the $3 investment.

      All the best,

      Don

  34. makya20 permalink
    8:08 pm

    Sadly, I have to admit that I am guilty of your pet peeve (maybe I should start a support group for over-age trick-or-treaters). But I don’t go out looking for candy, in these economically-trying times, I put on my homemade costume, knock on the door and say, “Trick or Staple” – looking for milk, eggs, flour, and what not. Last year I scored half a pot roast and some travel-size shampoo.

    Don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it.

    • 12:36 pm

      Many thanks makya20 and welcome.

      It’s an interesting approach, I’ll grant you that much. And at least you’re wearing a costume and being up front about your business. If you care to drop by my house this year I have some dinged tins of Alphagetti in the basement that aren’t getting any younger (I bought them on sale back in 83) and I suppose I could be convinced to part with them.

      By the way, what flavor of shampoo goes best with post roast?

      All the best,

      Don

  35. Lynn permalink
    12:20 am

    what’s bong water? naw..nevermind…the don mills mask is classic! always entertaining, thanks!

    • 12:37 pm

      Thanks for visiting Lynn,

      You needn’t concern yourself with the notion of “bong water.” It’s not something a decent lass like you needs to know about.

      Take care and all Happy Halloween.

      Don

      • Lynn permalink
        11:15 pm

        🙂 yeah if it doesnt have anything to do with blow, spliff, papers, razor blade, tooter, cid, peyote buttons, mesc (aline), shrooms, bullet bob, opium, hashish, hash oil, blotter, sugar cube, microdot, thai stick, pcp, meth and so forth i wouldnt know much about it. now what was i asking? happy halloween my crotchety cyber-friend!

  36. 12:27 am

    Man, this really cracked me up. I’ve linked it.

    • 12:37 pm

      Many thanks, Michael, for the comment and the link. Hope to hear from you again, lad.

      Best regards,

      Don

  37. Debbi permalink
    2:11 am

    Any relation, Don?🙂

    • 12:38 pm

      Thanks Debbi.

      Sadly, no. A shame too. It would be nice to have a damned relative with some money in his pocket. Make for a pleasant change.

      All the best,

      Don

  38. 10:50 pm

    Forgot to mention that I loved your comparison of the kids voices to Elaine Stritch! How many of those damn kids even know who she is? Beyonce my butt!

  39. 2:55 am

    What do I do if a Trick or Treater shows up wearing the mask?

    Scary thought!

    • 11:45 am

      Thanks Merrilymarylee,

      An interesting notion and one that I hadn’t considered. Hard to imagine any youngster pestering his parents to let him go out for Halloween as an old man.

      Still, if someone shows up at your door with that mask on I’d be inclined to give them a small glass of rye, some raisin toast and few digestive biscuits. That should keep them happy for a while.

      Thanks for visiting.

      Don

  40. 5:25 am

    Many thanks, Michael, for the comment and the link. Hope to hear from you again, lad.

    “Lad” my ass. I will thwack you with my cane and bitch-slap you with my AARP membership card if you call me that again.

    • 11:38 am

      My apologies Michael.

      I’d be upset as well if someone where to call me “lad”. I should have been more careful.

      All the best,

      Don

    • 12:40 am

      Yeah, I don’t use my real picture either.
      Now for a nap…..

  41. 9:12 pm

    It’s demanding money with menaces Donald, no more, no less

    • 10:50 pm

      Couldn’t agree more Fred. Many thanks for visiting.

      Don

      p.s. Damned fine last name you have there.

  42. York Mills permalink
    9:41 pm

    Does this bus go to Main St…?

    Wait. Where am I?

    Hee hee.

    • 11:08 pm

      York!

      Nice to hear from you – I’d been meaning to call you.

      As per tradition, I need to caution you against dressing up in your damned Cupid costume this year. It was cute when you were 6, York, but at your age it borders on indecent. You end up just looking like a winged and armed madman in an extra-large adult diaper.

      I realize you think that dressing as the “God of Erotic Love” is a sure-fire way to land yourself a lady friend but it hasn’t worked yet and, frankly, I don’t think it’s going to.

      If you’re Hell bent on meeting a woman you should go to a Church social, a library or attend a town council meeting – not run around the lobby of your condo shooting rubber arrows at the prodigious rear ends of women half your age or younger. It’s unbecoming York and it’s time you acted your age.

      I’m worried that if you start this up again this year you’ll be asked to leave the condo once and for all. And then I’ll be stuck with you!

      So, you’re welcome to join me on Halloween, York. If you drop by around 5 p.m. I’ll open a can of tomato soup, grill us a cheese sandwich and we can dole out boxes of raisins to the legitimate trick or treaters and shake our canes at the others.

      All the best,

      Don

      • 12:31 am

        So, you’re welcome to join me on Halloween, York. If you drop by around 5 p.m. I’ll open a can of tomato soup, grill us a cheese sandwich and we can dole out boxes of raisins to the legitimate trick or treaters and shake our canes at the others.

        Parteeeeeeeeee!!!

        Can I come over?

        • 12:32 am

          I’ll bring some wintergreen lozenges.

          • 2:07 am

            Well if you’re bringing lozenges….you’re more than welcome. I’ve got lots of soup and enough cheese for everyone.

            See you at 5 sharp.

  43. 12:38 am

    Ya’ know what really pisses me off. I used to sleep with those teenager’s mammas.

    And they act like I’m so poor old schmuck that DOESN’T HAVE A CLUE!

    Little bastards, I may be their daddy.

    • 2:10 am

      Many thanks sekanblogger,

      Sadly, you’d receive no more respect from them if you were their daddy – and likely less.

      All the best,

      Don

  44. 12:39 pm

    Thanx for the belly laugh………..

    • 10:38 pm

      Nice of you to stop in Jabba-the-gramps.

      Hope to hear from you again.

      Best regards and Happy Halloween,

      Don

  45. 2:42 pm

    Boy, I couldn’t agree more and I blogged about it yesterday.

    • 10:39 pm

      Many thanks Judy,

      I’ll be sure to drop by your site and give that post a read.

      Many thanks

      Don

  46. 3:00 pm

    Haven’t seen any of the little creeps on Halloween in three years. Three years ago I got this great idea. I handed out tasks to every creature that showed up at my door without a parent. I let them pull their tasks out of a jar. Rake the leaves. Dump the trash. Just the regular stuff. The deal was after the task was done I’d give them one of those little snickers bars you get a hundred of in a bag. It’s been quiet around here on Halloween ever since. Nothing like the threat of work to make these little chits disappear forever.

    • 10:42 pm

      Many thanks Uppity Woman,

      Damned clever strategy and I’m pleased to hear that it worked. I’m not surprised though because, as you point out, they pretty much scatter at the mention of, notion of or threat of work.

      Good to see you,

      Don

  47. anniewilson permalink
    3:21 pm

    Old dude,

    I was wondering if you were married. If not, I’d like to marry you and begin a joint venture where you and I offend as many young people as possible. I assume you’re not in LA so I should tell you that I am willing to relocate. I cook very well and I am rather caustic and biting when it comes to people who annoy me. There are a LOT of people who annoy me so I stay pretty caustic. We could make beautiful sarcasm together. If you’d like to meet me before the wedding, that would be fine but you’d have to buy the tickets. You could always come here and we could just head for Vegas. Perhaps I could die my hair gray and we could pretend to be 2 really crazy old people and get away with all types of annoying shit.

    :):):)

    • 10:54 pm

      Many thanks Annie,

      I have to say it’s the most interesting offer I’ve had in several decades but I suspect you can do far better than an old man with a rusting LeSabre, a failing memory and a handful of cardigan sweaters.

      Still, I like your pluck, respect the fact that you can cook and enjoy the company of folks that have a general distaste for others…so, hopefully we can become fast friends.

      All the best.

      Don

  48. feedtim permalink
    8:59 pm

    Wow, this is great stuff. Mean spirited and funny. Huzzah!

  49. anniewilson permalink
    1:35 am

    Sniff. Oh well, I’ll just have to go barhopping and pick up some young and stupid whippersnapper to use, abuse and manipulate. That’s good too.
    🙂

  50. 1:39 pm

    Well, we had about 50 kiddies of varying ages hunting in about a dozen packs who called by for sweetie feeding sessions. Many dressed up in fairtomiddling costumes, one or two obviously pissed to be dragged away from the sofa or laptop, or Wii or PS2 or whatever.

    A few expressed glee at the spider I assembled out of my old medicine tablets boxes, photos may follow at my blog, or then maybe not…

    • 3:02 pm

      Many thanks for the update Dave.

      Please let me know if you post the photos.

      A poor year here I’m afraid. More damned teenagers than ever before. I had a few of the wee ones show up shortly after dark but they soon gave way to the older crowd. One damned kid had no costume at all and was just holding a pair of bunny ears in his hands.

      When I asked him what the Hell he was supposed to be dressed as he just thrust the ears at me and said “Rabbit.”

      Lazy bastard. I hope he chokes on the damned lozenge.

      All the best,

      Don

  51. Friar permalink
    2:45 pm

    @Don

    My Halloween pretty sad, pretty much exactly as you described. I didnt’ have one single small kid come to my door. All the trick-or-treaters were god-damned teenagers. You’d have been livid.

    Okay, 2 girls wore costumes. I give them credit for that.

    The last group was the most pathetic.

    One kid just stood there, with his baseball cap held out. I pointed out this lame-ass effort at trick-or-treating. He just shrugged. His bozo friend went one step further, though. Had a flannel shirt, and told me he was “lumberjack”.

    Lumberjack, my arse. I bet you he’s never swung an axe in his life (except maybe a battle-axe on a Death-Kill video-game).

    Hard to say no, when confronted with such stupidity. (Plus, I didnt’ want my house egged). So I reluctantly gave them a total of maybe $0.75 between the three of them, to make them go away.

    I wish some smaller kids had shown up earlier. I’d have given them all my candy, so that 15 year-olds wouldn’t get any.

    • 3:06 pm

      Thanks Friar,

      As I mentioned to Dave above, I had a similiar experience. It was raining a tad so perhaps that kept the small ones indoors.

      I loaded the small kids up with lots of treats and shut my porch light off at 8 p.m. It didn’t stop the teenagers from knocking though. And beyond one or two that made a half-assed effort to costume themselves, the majority showed up with nothing more than a pillowcase and a scowl.

      God damned young people.

      All the best,

      Don

  52. 11:44 pm

    I am completely on your side except, because of my nervous 2.5 year old Puppy Dog and my 10 week old Puppy Girl, the last thing I need is brats in scary masks at my door.

    Still, apart from the anklebiters, Halloween itself is fun, so I did decorate.

    I am also conscious that my neighbors might complain to my landlord about me being a bitch, so I bought revoltingly cheap candy and put it out at the bottom of my porch.

    But how to keep the little buggers from my door?

    Why, a FLAME BARRIER of course!

    Lots of love, your fellow grump,

    Ittybittycrazy

    To see the flame barrier click here: http://www.ittybittycrazy.com/imported-data/2009/11/1/pic-we-surived-halloween.html

    • 12:13 am

      Many thanks ittybittycrazy and welcome,

      Always nice to meet a fellow grump. Revoltingly cheap candy or candy that is just revolting…either will work.

      And, yes, I absolutely do need to see the flame barrier. I’m on my way now.

      Many thanks,

      Don

  53. megan permalink
    2:24 pm

    oh wow? lameee.

  54. zeusiswatching permalink
    1:18 am

    We don’t do Halloween. We turn off the lights in the front of the house and rarely does anyone even attempt to bother us.

    I look at it this way. Teach these kids to mooch and take handouts today and tomorrow they will get elected to office and rob the taxpayer.

  55. Jake permalink
    1:27 pm

    Hmm, i need to have my costume ready for next October 31
    and organize a party.
    Where i live Halloween is not common at all, in fact i never done trick or treating,
    it would be fun to do even though i am 20 now.

    Just a few thoughts.
    In the U.S you have guns, you can shoot anybody on your property as long as their back is not turned, best way to keep em away.
    one way to ensure nobody visits is by turning the front lights off as that is a pseudo invite, and not decorating.

    Anybody thinking of performing or pulling shit like razorblades in the candy, broken glass, or spiking with poison is not on, would be understandable to use it on those thugs “in da hood” who are violent and are probably using the holiday as an excuse to scope your house out for robbing, but you don’t need to get into trouble.
    and besides it does NOT make you witty.
    disguising common laxatives as candy is a good idea however.

    Now get off my lawn you damn kids!

Trackbacks

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