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The Problem with Young People – Trading Cards!

More fun for the whole damned family…

“Young People: The Trading Cards.” Over 30 different cards available! Buy them today, collect them tomorrow and trade them with your friends for years to come.

A small sample:

Card #2: “The Frat Boy” (A must have for any serious collector.)

frat boy trading card


Card #3: “The Punk” (Only 100 cards printed so act quickly.)

punk rocker trading card

Card #9: The Tattooed Freak (More common than it used to be).

tattooed freak trading card

Coming next: The Hipster, the Teen Pregnancy and the Assclown.

Previous trading cards available here.

Brought to you by the old man at Donco.

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60 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:40 am

    Very interesting

    • 1:29 am

      Thank you Corve,

      My goodness but you sound an awful lot like a neighbour I had in the late 60s named Art Johnson.

      He was a man of few words too.

      Art was an odd duck but once you got past the German accent, heavy smoking and squirrely eyes he was a decent enough lad. I think he worked for a chemical company – salesman or something. I remember he was on the road a great deal and his wife, Ruth, would drink a good deal while he was gone and sometimes fall asleep in their station wagon. Sad, actually.

      Anyway, sorry for chewing your ear off.

      Nice of you to visit.


  2. 1:19 am

    I think I met Chip Whitely and verbally bitch-slapped him in the 1970’s when I was dating a pre-med student from Hampden-Sydney. Some things don’t change.

    • 1:42 am

      Many thanks Sledpress,

      Sorry to hear your “bitch-slap” was only a verbal one. The Chip Whitelys of the world could all use a smack in the head as far as I’m concerned. It’s the only way they actually learn anything (and it’s damned satisfying too).

      Good to see you.


  3. 1:53 am


    I was pleased to find that my recently purchased “Jersey Douchebag” trading card came with a complimentary bottle of self-bronzer and a coupon for $1 OFF Suave Extra-Hold, Lightly Scented Mousse. While I might not still qualify as young, I will never outgrow the thrill of a great deal.

    Yours in “move over Massengill”,


    • 2:33 am

      Very nice to see you Kelsey,

      Based on your picture, I’d say you still qualify as young…damned young in fact.

      And I don’t think anyone outgrows the thrill of a good deal. Quite the opposite in fact. I don’t think you start to really appreciate the value of a complimentary bottle of self-bronzer or a “10% off Lanacane” coupon until you hit at least 40. Probably more like 50.

      Lovely of you to stop in Kelsey. Best regards,


  4. Anonymous permalink
    2:04 am

    Don, slight error on card #9. “Commen” is supposed to be spelled “common,” right? Unless it’s a comment on how illiterate young people are.

  5. 3:26 am

    i recognize that little bastard on the first card. i was behind him on line at 7-11. he was on his cellphone speaking very loudly to one of his little bastard friends. you left out one of his stats, don–the record for how many times you can use f#¢k in a single sentence. i swear it was every other word until i told him in no uncertain terms that he still wasn’t cool by anyone’s standards. he just smirked, so i told everyone on line with us that i used to babysit him and change his diapers, so i know for a fact that he has a very tiny schmeckel.

    • 7:21 am

      haha… good one nonnie

    • 12:45 pm

      Many thanks Nonnie,

      The only reason I didn’t include the stat was because there is so much competition in that field that it is difficult to really stand out from the crowd. Spewing profanity seems to be one skill that these young people hone at an early age.

      And nicely played on referencing the diaper change. These little rat bastards need a dose of humiliation now and again to keep them in check.

      Always good to hear from you.


  6. 3:49 am

    A wonderful addition to the set, Don. This set of perennial losers makes you wonder if there isn’t some way to expand this into some sort of Voodoo Doll action figure, so that you can inflict pain on the jackasses whenever confronted by them. (The inked freak may be tough, but there’s got to be a weak spot. Maybe if you just jumped up and down on the doll’s crotch…)

    I hope another set is on the way soon. I was just about to get out of the collecting business as the 288 companies producing just over 350,000 baseball cards per year was starting to make my collection a preferred source of burning material during the winter heating price spikes.

    Now there’s a reason to get my wallet out again and again. Perhaps you could do a limited set with a shirt swatch included or something equally as rare, like a harvested, functional brain cell.

    Execellent all around, Don.

    • 12:45 pm

      Many thanks CLT,

      I think the idea of young people voodoo dolls is a wonderful idea but I’m hesitant to start harnessing occult powers. I had a damned unpleasant experience with a Ouija board at a Halloween party back in the early 70s and I’m still a little rattled by it. (On a related note, I wonder what ever happened to my Spiro Agnew costume?)

      Having said that, I will give some thought to the limited edition set with rare young people artifacts. I doubt I could round up enough functional brain cells to make it profitable but I’m sure there are plenty of other options.

      Thanks for the thoughts, CLT. Always a pleasure to have you stop in.


  7. Frankelstache permalink
    4:09 am

    Sir Mills,

    I’m struggling to find the words to describe these cards. I’d like to say ‘wonderful’, yet they’re just as ‘disturbing’. One way or another, It’s good to see you’re on top of this industry.

    I think it’s important to represent some of today’s young people’s best characters like “The Dog Abuser”, “Enema Man”, and “The sexually harassed”.

    May you be the bridge between east and north,

    • 1:30 pm

      Thank you kindly Frankelstache,

      I appreciate the suggestions for future cards. The fine folks at Donco (really just me, Hattie, a color printer and an old laminator) are always looking for new ideas. I’d have to be careful on the graphics for “Enema Man” though – this is meant to be fun for the whole damned family after all.

      I hope you’re well lad. Always good to hear from you.

      Best regards,


  8. 6:11 am

    I’ve called Donco and placed my orders for a three dozen sets for halloween. That tattoo guy is going to scare the hell out of the kids this year!

    • 1:30 pm

      Many thanks Claire,

      I hope you were able to get through okay. We’ve been having some trouble with the order desk (I turned my hearing aid down and fell asleep in my chair while watching the Price is Right).

      Still, consider your order placed. I’ll do my best to get it to you prior to Halloween.

      All the best,


  9. Lily Fossil permalink
    8:05 am

    Dear Donald,

    I’m afraid I read Card #3 what’s his face, BILL LASOVICH’s -3. 41 inch skull thickness as “minus 3.41”
    But maybe that’s his IQ.

    Seriously, after 47 hours in a mosh pit and 371 head bangs per minute, I am surprised he has a brain at all.

    Your fragrant,


    • 1:30 pm

      Many thanks Lily,

      I should likely be more careful in my use of dashes. I wouldn’t want to understate the thick-headedness of the lad. At the same time, I also wouldn’t want to overstate the boy’s IQ – and I suspect that minus 3.41 would be a bit of stretch.

      Lovely to see you Lily. I trust you are keeping well.

      Best regards,


      • downcastmysoul permalink
        5:20 pm

        Minus 3.14, he’d be down a pie.

  10. 12:49 pm

    “371 head bangs per minute”

    HAHAHAH! Wow…That’s over six per second!.

    You gotta admit, the lad’s got talent. Takes a lot of stamina and self-discipline to wilfully sustain that kind of head trauma.

    And the Assclown…heh heh. Can’t wait to see THAT one.

    I already know it will be my favorite.

    • 4:41 pm

      Nice to see you Friar,

      I give the lad full credit for using his head. That level of dedication is uncommon (if ill-advised) in a young person.

      I’ll be working carefully on the assclown – I love the damn word and will want to make sure I get it just right. Hopefully it won’t disappoint.

      All the best,


  11. 2:45 pm


    If there was a word that put “brilliant” to shame, I’d bet money (US currency even, seeing as the rate is so good right now), that this word would have the letters D, O and N in it. Maybe not in that order, but still.

    I would like 50 of The Punk and 35 of The Tattooed Freak, please. (Christmas is coming and I’m too apathetic to get out there and buy presents that my family and friends would actually put to good use)

    I’ll have to pass on The Frat Boy, though. Although it’s a “whatever that word is that puts brilliant to shame” concept, Chip’s hand signal brings back bad memories of the day my friend explained to me what the term “Shocker” meant.

    He then went on to list the countless possible variations, and even though I’m sure he made some them up (like “the two-handed Steeple”, for instance), the very thought of it still gives me nightmares.

    Anyway, enough about me and my friend.

    Great work Don. Your creativity never ceases to amaze me.

    Your good friend,


    Ps. This Art Johnson sounds like a very interesting man, Don.

    Very interesting.

    • 4:43 pm

      Many thanks Bschooled.

      Unfortunately you lost me about halfway through when you referenced this “shocker” issue but based on the context, I’d say perhaps it isn’t something I really want or need to understand in better detail.

      Regardless, I’d be delighted to send you as many cards as my Dell inkjet can spit out. (The printer has been acting dodgy ever since I started trying to refill the cartridges with ink from my old fountain pens.)

      And I think you would have liked old Art. He was an odd man and had a habit of popping up in the strangest places and the strangest times but he had a good heart (not literally though – he ate a Hell of a lot of red meat and was a ferocious boozer).

      Keep an eye on your mailbox, the cards will be with you before Christmas.

      Always wonderful to hear from you, Bschooled.

      Your friend,


  12. jammer5 permalink
    3:01 pm

    Met “Chips” of various origins many times in the past. Found many of them head-bobbing to Steely Dan, but, when asked, had no idea what the songs were about. Their pile of “Yellow label” beer, bought on sale at dollar general, was second to none; a fact they were extremely proud of.

    Knew a punk once in Kansas. His basic attitude was, if an answer to any question required anything other than “What?”, or “Duuuude”, it wasn’t worth answering. He attempted to obtain a drivers license one time, but the jell he used on his spike kept getting all over the windshield, causing him to take out two handicap parking signs and one old lady’s shopping cart before his tester could turn off the engine, exit the car, and move back to Florida.

    • 6:28 pm

      Many thanks Jammer,

      I’d never given much consideration to the potential dangers of driving with Mohawks or other punk rock haircuts – for some reason I just assumed that they wouldn’t have had the financial resources for car ownership or the basic motor skills required for car operation.

      It appears I wasn’t far off on the second point.

      I can imagine it would be damned challenging to sit comfortably behind the wheel when you have 18 inches of spiked hair jutting off in all directions. Scary thought.

      Good to hear from you Jammer. All the best,


  13. 4:02 pm

    Donald you have some terrific cards. The one that I’m specifically interested in is the Chip Whitely. I’ll take as many as you can order, or print, or however the hell you come upon them. Young Chip is going to make me a boatload of money. The stat that I’m most interested in is ‘3 time arrogant white boy of the year.’ I knew a guy who knew a guy, who happened to have Kayne West’s 1996 rookie card from Chicago State. Yep, you guessed it; he won the freshman ‘arrogant black guy of the year award.’ Well, my buddy’s buddy just sold that thing for 15K!! Also, when you look at the fact that Chip is attending school on a full parental scholarship, it means his parents have money. So either he makes it big in entertainment, or he takes over daddy’s company. Either way he’s golden. It like betting on horses really and this kid is a thoroughbred!

    I’ll give you a cut of my profits!

    • 6:46 pm

      I always suspected you had an entrepreneurial streak, Scott.

      I’ll be happy to send you all of the Chip Whitely’s I can round up (both in card and human form). Hard to imagine this lad ever amounting to anything of worth but I suppose we value things differently today and, as you point out, there is a precedent.

      Watch your mailbox, lad. The Chip is in the mail.

      Best regards,


  14. 4:49 pm

    Chip Whitely is the best

    “Full Parental Scholarship”

    Plus I noticed he was on the 6 year plan. (Assuming he did graduate in 2008)

    • 9:43 pm

      Many thanks Bearman,

      Always the eye for detail, lad. Must be something about you cartoonist types.

      The 6 year plan would be a minimum. I suspect that they Chip Whitelys of the world are somewhat loathe to give up their pub nights and attempt to defer graduations and moving on to paid employment until the last possible moment.

      Nice of you to visit.


  15. downcastmysoul permalink
    5:23 pm

    All your cards are of white kids, you need to get some cards from kids of color.

    Can’t wait for Assclown.

    I hated preppies, that’s my generation.

    • 9:49 pm

      Nice to hear from you downcastmysoul,

      Sorry for the delay in responding. I had to take the Lesabre in for an oil change and decided to make a day of it and do some shopping as well.

      You make an excellent point about all the cards being white kids and I fully intend to correct this in time for the next edition. I appreciate your pointing that out.

      And while they weren’t my generation, the damned preppies steamed my shorts too.

      All the best.


  16. 6:55 pm

    I am saddened that the ones promised for this set did not happen: “The Wigger”, “The Fatkid” and “The Slacker.”

    Will the “Know-it-all” make the list? They think they know more than their parents but know less than their pets.

    • 9:58 pm

      Many thanks Ahmnodt,

      I wasn’t able to get “The Fatkid” and “The Slacker” done in time but they are still slated for production. My apologies about not sticking to my posted schedule. My young friend, Zman, warned me off “The Wigger.” He mentioned that I might not fully understand the connotations and I decided it was best to err on the side of caution.

      I had considered the “know-it-all” but I will be sure to add it to the list. It’s another good one.

      Many thanks


  17. 7:21 pm

    Didnt Chip Whitely also win Collar Popper Douche of the Year. The only thing that ass bag is missing is the chinstrap mustache…he was mostly likely to be involved in a lacrosse team assault case…..the other two i thought i saw them holding hands coming out of the gay bar…they too are most likely to get locked up for stealing an ATM with no money in it… the donco card set…its an american original…zman sends

    • 10:10 pm

      Many thanks Steve,

      Good catch on the “Collar Popper Douche of the Year.” I double checked and sure enough – the lad’s a two time winner. Thanks for the fact check Zman.

      Always good to hear from you.

      Best regards,


  18. 7:26 pm

    Here now I’m convinced this blog is written by a young person masquerading as a crabby old fart and if it is shame on you if not my deepest apology.

    • 10:14 pm

      Many thanks Simone,

      Apology accepted. I’m no damned young person and that’s for certain.

      All the best,


    • 2:23 am

      And even if it was, at least Don “Puppy” Mills is no oldster masquerading as a young person, like all those “teenagers” on Beverly Hills 90210.

  19. 4:31 pm

    When did Dayton become such a shithole? It used to be such a pleasant place. Small but not too small. I bet it is those damned Hoosiers from Indiana that are ruining it. Bunch of crackhead hillbillies busting out of the state because their welfare checks are being cut. Next, you will be telling me that Texas is full of Mexicans.

    • 6:54 pm

      Many thanks Tannerleah,

      I’m not sure what the Hell happened to Dayton but share your assessment that it used to be a damned decent part of the world. I conducted a lot of business out that way back in the 60s and early 70s and always enjoyed my stay. You could get a decent cut of meat, a good beer and a enjoyable night of town for under $20 and not have to fear for your personal safety.

      Not sure if it’s crackheaded hillbillies, creakheaded suburban teenagers or crackpot politicians who are to blame but it’s gone downhill fast.

      All the best,


  20. 6:03 pm

    This one’s for the connoisseur. Especially the tattoo freak. And to think that some people actually ruin their beautiful God-given body merely for the sake of appearing hip and attracting attention!

    • 6:54 pm

      Many thanks Doctoratlarge,

      The disfigurement is damned frightening in my opinion. And while it may be “hip” now, they are going to grow up someday. And I’m glad I won’t be around when 90 per cent of the seniors in this country have words like “chronic” tattooed on their necks.

      Best regards,


  21. 7:45 pm

    ROFL! You always make my day when you blog Pappa Don!
    Muah! Ewww… what’ve you been swiggin?

    • 6:55 pm

      Many thanks Archie,

      Nice to see you lass. I can assure you that I’m not “swiggin” anything – just sipping my rye and eating a tuna fish sandwich at the moment. I might ask you the same question though. “Poppa Don?” “Muah?” and “Archu?” These all appear to be tell-tale “swiggin” signs to me.

      Hope you’re well and thanks for visiting.


  22. Tubbo & Dubba Tubba permalink
    2:32 am

    Still waiting on “the Prep”…

  23. 2:36 am

    Mr Mills, I heard Lasovich was born with that hair, ripped his mom’s mosh pit clear off!

    • 6:57 pm

      Thanks frigginloon,

      Its been a while since I’ve studied female anatomy but I’m guessing that must have hurt a bit.

      Thanks for visiting.


  24. elizabeth3hersh permalink
    6:18 am

    I would love to extol the virtues of your entertaining blog Sir Mills, but tannerleah is still (jealously) seething over my excessive ‘fawning’ of Capitalist Lion Tamer’s blog. Still, I think there is enough praise to go around. In the vernacular of Bill Lasovich, “your blog is freakin’ awesome”!

    • 7:10 pm


      How nice to hear from you. Many thanks for the kind words.

      I doubt any fawning over Mr. CLT’s blog would be excessive. He’s a damned talented lad (and prolific as Hell). It’s consistently one of my favorite reads.

      Again, Elizabeth, very nice of you to stop in.

      All the best,


  25. 3:43 pm

    Holy cow! Trading cards for seniors. . . to remind us that our own kids weren’t as obnoxious as we thought at the time? These are the stuff of nightmares!

    Definitely need to be kept padlocked in a Pandora’s box.

    I can see our sons=in-law giving us some for Christmas with a note: “See? We’re not so bad!”

    Are there some nice mother-in-law -from-hell trading cards out there?

    • 7:12 pm

      Thank you for the comment, merrilymarylee, and welcome.

      I have to admit that I hadn’t considered the possibility that some damned young people would try to make themselves look better by comparison but I wouldn’t put it past them – they can be a very devious and sneaky lot.

      And you’re right, they are the stuff on nightmares. Unfortunately, they aren’t just limited to my dreams. I see them damned near everywhere.

      Many thanks for visiting,


  26. 3:52 am

    Hello from Russia!
    Can I quote a post in your blog with the link to you?

  27. getbradstanleypublished permalink
    7:59 am

    You commented on a short story I have up, and I’m sorry I’m only just now checking your site (I need to be in bed right now …). This site looks hysterical and I’m jealous and can’t wait to visit again.

    My name (as seen by my handle) is Brad. Brad, as in an similar to Chad, Chip, and the other members of my imaginary tennis team. We’ve got a meet at New Windsor tomorrow (or some other is it real, is it fake, prep New England name).

    Anyway. I went to “Bay to Breakers” in San Francisco and saw a guy selling t-shirts. On one side a cartoon woman is saying something like, “Brad never likes it when I run naked!” and on the other side is “Bay to Breakers 2009 – Because who gives a f*** what Brad thinks.” I asked the salesman, “why Brad? Is it because it’s a generic white guy name?” He said yes. I bought one and wore it the next time I visited my parents.

    (Also thanks for commenting on my site!)

  28. 5:27 pm

    I’m so happy to have found your site!

    Just wanted to let you know that I added your blog to a “lovely award” backlink on my site today.

  29. 4:43 am

    Ahahahahahha! He’s definitely had his brain work done, Donald! LOL!! Thank you for this link/update.


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