Affronts to Old People #5: Student Discounts
Few things grind my gears more than this ridiculous practice of extending “student discounts” to god damned young people.
I get a 15% seniors discount at the three stores I shop at and I’d say I’ve damn well earned it. In addition to paying into the tax system since Herbert Hoover was in short pants, I’m on a fixed income and need every damned penny I’ve managed to tuck away in the old Sealy Posturepedic National Bank. We old folks may horde cheese but contrary to the rumours we’re not all Nelson Rockefellers sitting on a stash of gold bricks and lighting our cigars with treasury bonds.
A seniors discount is the one damned way in which the contributions we old folks have made to this country are acknowledged and it demeans the gesture to pass on similar savings to damned teenagers who haven’t done anything other than have the gross audacity to be young.
I say we should be charging them more – not less. We should add on a “student surcharge” instead of giving them a discount. It’s only common sense and about damned time they did something to help stimulate the economy beyond purchasing second hand bongs on ebay.
I already pay over-inflated prices and it’s due in no small part to the damned young people and their shop lifting, pirating and general lack of regard for the principles of commerce. If they’re driving up the price of salad dressing, ground chuck and argyle socks then I say we should stick them with the bill not cut them a damned deal.
What the hell has some “student” ever done to deserve 15% off on anything? Not a damned thing as far as I can see. All it does is send a dangerous message that immaturity and a lack of income are traits to be rewarded. No wonder every slack-assed young person stays in school until they’re 40 – there are too many damned perks!
If you’re Hell bent on passing on savings, try extending a discount to the man who just lost his job of 10 years, or the young widow working a 12-hour shift and earning minimum wage. Better yet, bump us seniors up to a 25% discount and throw in some free coffee refills and an occasional biscuit. I love biscuits.
Take it from me. Student discounts are a god damned piss-poor practice and they need to stop now. They undermine seniors, the economy and everything this wonderful country stands for.