Young People By the Numbers
According to my latest count, there are 6,824,324,117 people in the world. (If I missed you, my apologies but it was tiring work.)
Now I’m no statistician but I estimate that of that 6.8 billion at least 3 billion would fall into the category of “young people.”
Three billion young people. It’s a damned frightening notion. But, you’d think that with that many young people slithering about, there would be at least a few million you could consider to be “decent.”
You’d be wrong. Damned wrong.
I’ve run the numbers myself and determined the exact number of “decent young people” in the entire world. My calculations are set out below and have been verified by the pencil necks at Price-Waterhouse:
With almost 54 million left, I was still optimistic.
With only 57,000 and change left, I was understandably concerned.
57 god damned decent young people in the entire world. And almost half live in Iceland. It’s a scary notion folks, but the numbers speak for themselves.
The Problem with Young People Today Is... 
I got four here, Don.
Miss you buddy!
Ivan
Duly noted, Ivan.
That young rascal, Arthur, was on the cusp on disqualification a couple times but I chose to overlook a few minor indiscretions (namely his association with my moron neighbour, Cody, and his startling inaccurate knowledge of world geography).
Keep up the fine parenting, work, Ivan. Nice to hear from you lad.
O Sr. Dick Rasche emite suas melhores considerações e promete-as visitá-lo logo!
Best regards,
Don
hahahahahaha…. you’re such a clown!!!!
Dear Donald,
Lovely to have you back. Hope the week with Yorks wasn’t too taxing.
Unfortunately, those 57 young people left, are probably in chat rooms abusing old people, so that leaves a grand total of Zero Decent Young poeple.
Best wishes,
Lily
Many thanks Lily,
It is very nice to be back. Frankly, my week with York was damned exhausting. In addition to buttering his toast and walking his ridiculous dachshund, I had to spend countless hours listening to his plan to get rich by writing a book of “saucy limericks” and watching him cheat at Scrabble.
Next time he breaks something, I’m shipping him off to a home.
I hope you are wrong about those last 57 young people Lily (but I suspect you are correct). It would be a damned shame if the decent young person finally went the way of the dodo bird.
I hope you’re well Lily.
All the best.
Don
Hey I have 2. And they are debate geeks. So they dress super well. And my guess is that they are part of the 57 young people. In fact, I want a tattoo badly but they forbid me to get it. Unfortunately they both want to become lawyers and then transition into politics. They picked the 2 most hated careers. That’s what is wrong with young people in my life:)
Sorry to be all over the map!
So glad to have you back!
Many thanks Scriber’s web,
Sounds like they may well meet the test of decency. (At present, anyway. This notion of a career in law and then politics will surely end any semblance of decency faster than you can say Don Siegelman, Rod Blagojevich or Troopergate.)
And those boys are damned right to forbid you from having a tattoo! You just be sure to listen to them.
All the best,
Don
I think your statistics about viewing porn while nude would not only eliminate 100 times more than you counted but it would also eliminate at least 75% of all the parents.
I don’t think it is reasonable to condemn the youts for following the example their parents have set for them.
I’m just saying….
Many thanks David,
I’m shocked by the notion that there are so many damned pornographers out there. Well the hell did they all come from?
And this notion of following their example is damned scary. My old dad taught me to drive and how to clean a fish, not how to find the best quality photos of “2 on 1 action.”
Honestly, I don’t care where they picked up the damned habit, they’re still off my list. And they can take their damned parents with them as far as I’m concerned.
All the best,
Don
Ok – I have to ask…..what does “tip cows” mean??? seriously Mr. Mills….I learn something new everytime I read your blog.
I am very fortunate to have one of those 57 living right here with me!
RLP
It’s like tipping a Smart-Car. Except with cows.
Thanks for explaining Friar. Well said.
And RLP, it looks like you have the one decent Canadian young person. Congratulations! A job well done on your part.
All the best
Don
don,
kindly subtract the kid who packed my grocery bags so that they were way too heavy and the other 2 who made believe they were busy so they wouldn’t have to pack my groceries. oh, and they never ask if i need any help putting the bags in the car. 😡
Hi Nonnie,
I know the type you’re referring to and you can rest assured that they were likely removed from the list back in the early stages for either being high on cannabis, rolling their eyes or snapping gum.
Best regards,
Don
I too would like to chime in that I have 3 of the 57, but I’m pretty sure I don’t. I wasn’t one. Neither were my brothers and sisters. I’m guessing my parents… well, they probably were but it was the 50’s and there was no trouble to be getting into, what with all the post-war boot-knocking, cold-war hysteria, everything being black-and-white for the most part…
I’m sure this all changed once Elvis showed his reckless and engorged pompadour on national television, which collected a total of 12,000 viewers. Out went any bit of decency left, into the dark night, in a sheer, lacy outfit that J. Edgar Hoover himself would have felt was a “little much.”
And as for the mythical Milkman: I say he doesn’t exist. Just another clean-living bogeyman used to scare kids into removing their hat at the dinner table or stop stuttering.
Outstanding statistical work, Don, and entertaining as hell to read. Welcome back from your much deserved (and mercifully brief) hiatus.
Many thanks CLT,
A lovely comment and one that is making me more than a little nostalgic for some post-war boot knocking and a nice evening of cold-war hysteria. Nothing like a little cold-war hysteria to bring a country together and give everyone a sense of moral superiority.
You’re damned right about that Elvis Presley lad too. His gyrating and caterwauling were a signpost on the road to our current state of depravity. It’s a shame.
And I can tell you for sure, son, that the milkman did in fact exist. I have many fond memories. We used the bible to stop stuttering. One whack across the back of the head with an Old Testament and you gave that habit up quickly.
All the best and thanks for visiting.
Don
Good to have you back Don! I hope Yorks is well.
As for your list, What age is the transition for being a young person? I didn’t think I qualified, but at least 3 of your criteria remove me from the list.
And exactly what do you have against redheads anyway???
Many thanks Claire,
The transitional age is difficult to pin down. It seems to depend on the individual. In general, I’d put it somewhere between 25 and 45 with 34 3/4 being the average.
Now, you didn’t indicate which 3 criteria removed you from the list so I am going to have to speculate. I enjoy speculating.
The red hair is an obvious one but for the other 2 I’m going to guess:
1)Urinated in a public park
2)Mooned a senior
(Potentially the two incidents occurred within mere moments of each other. Sorry if that’s a bit cheeky but I couldn’t resist.)
Let me know, Claire. I’m right aren’t I?
Don
I’m a much nicer girl than you think I am.
I’m a redhead.
I don’t own a cardigan because it’s just too hot here.
I’ve never baited a hook. When I was little, I would go fishing with my dad and he would bait them for me.
We may have to add a fourth because I’m considering calling you an asshat, but I guess technically it isn’t to your face which means I’m still a good girl.
No offence meant Claire.
Just an old man taking wild guesses. I’m quite sure you’re a decent young lady.
All the best,
Don
No offence taken, Don. And if you weren’t following me around, you wouldn’t know what I did in the park and you wouldn’t have gotten mooned!
No pierced nipples? oh dear 😦
Pierced Nipples and naked porn eliminates you myra..haha
My apologies Nurse Myra but the rules are the rules.
All the best
Don
If Don knows about nursemyras pierced bits then he has broke rule number 2, IMHO.
Maybe nursemyra isn’t a Young Person by your criteria. I’m not sure. She has that ageless quality.
@Don
You should consider yourself lucky, that at least you’ll have SOME decent kids where you live.
With six continents (if you don’t’ count Antarctica), that means on average, there are just over 9 decent kids for all of North America.
Of which less than 10% of the population live in the Great White North.
Sheesh. That leaves us with less than ONE DECENT KID.
(Poor Canada)!
Many thanks Friar,
Indeed, it’s a sad state of affairs (or should I say province).
Based on the feedback from RLP, however, it appears there may well be one decent young person somewhere in Southern Ontario.
Personally, I would have thought that would be the least likely spot in Canada to find a decent person (young or otherwise) but I’m no expert.
All the best, lad. Good to see you.
Don
I love how everyone comes here saying that of the 57 good kids they have 1, 2, 3, 20 of them. Ha…add it up and it will be over 57. Don’t you parents realize you are to blame for Don taking your kid off the list. Quit thinking your kid is better than they are. haha
BTW, I would have been taken off the list for about 6 things.
Many thanks Bearman,
It’s parental instinct, Bearman, and not something that is easy to overcome.
Now, like Mrs. Collins, you identify 6 things that would remove you from the list but fail to identify them. I am, therefore, forced to speculate.
Based on the psychological profile I’ve drawn up (it’s a hobby) I’m going to suggest that you 6 crimes against decency are as follows:
1) High on cannibas
2) Tipped a Cow
3) Not wearing underpants (shame on you Bearman!)
4) don’t own a cardigan
5) Haven’t visited grandparents without it being under duress
6) walking on an old man’s lawn (shame, shame, bearman!)
I’m right aren’t I?
Best regards
Don
No actually it is:
– Porn
– Pick Nose
– Fart in Elevators
– Dragging Feet
– Crotch Scratching
– Public Swearing
Oh and I have used the term “asshat” but never to YOUR face.
*holds sides while laughing too hard to catch a breath*
Oh my – I think I ended up being forced off your list a long time ago due to a horribly misspent youth.
I suppose that would mean I am off your christmas card list as well…
*sigh*
Good thing time has tamed me Mr.Mills – maybe we aren’t all lost causes?
*cheeky wink just for you*
M.L.
Many thanks wordsneversaid,
Time does indeed tame us all. Some of us just need more taming than others.
And I haven’t had a Christmas card list in years. Aggie used to send cards out religiously but I don’t bother. I hate seasonal sentiment and licking stamps too.
If I start one up, though, I’ll be sure to include you.
All the best
Don
*kisses*
Thank you Mr. Mills.
I don’t do the Christmas card thing either – but if I did?
The ones with the pictures of me as an elf would be all yours.
M.L.
Way to come back with a vengeance, Don! (then again, it’s not like I expected any less from a man with strong convictions yet a somewhat limited range of mobility)
I have to say, hearing all this makes me extremely sad (and somewhat embarrassed for doing that thing I did with one of those punk-asses last Stampede). To think that these kids are so oblivious to things like “the Milkman” is just mind-boggling. I mean, when I was young I always knew about him…in fact, not a day went by that my Mother didn’t bring up “that guy who used to deliver the goods”.
I actually tried to track him down a few years ago, just to let him know “I existed” and wanted to meet him. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like anyone could ever take the place of the 12 other father-type figures rotating through the front door of our blinged-out trailer or anything…I just needed to see for myself, you know?
Unfortunately, the only information my Mom knew was that he was the milkman…and severely lactose-intolerant.
Anyway Don, that’s neither here nor there. What is here and there are these grievances you have with young people today. And hell if I’m not going to be the monkey on your back while you knock some sense into the rest of these 2,999,999,943 hoodlums.
Generationally-Challenged friends to the end,
Bschooled
Many thanks Bschooled,
That’s one damned touching story and I appreciate your sharing it with me.
If you ever take up the search for your old dad again, let me know. I have friends who are “big” in the dairy business and would be happy to call in a favor or two. Just say the word.
Always good to hear from you bschooled.
Don
Mr Mills
Thats quite a list, isnt their anything else you can do except sit and look out the front window and kvetch about young folk. I will go through this slowly..
I dont own a cardigan..they are dam stuffy and got me beat up in school…out the the window with it
The only people that call you ASSHAT are the ones that you refuse to give their ball back and fine young uns with red hair and freckles..(take a hint their Sir)
Your definition of a haircut is not well defined..we cant all go to the barbershop and get a fine scissor by jerry the barber plus i dont like the barber leaning over me its weird…
While you should not make a habit of it..nothing wrong with looking at porn every once in a while…I am sure you and Miss Aggie viewed some adult material at least once…isnt that how you all learned about the birds and the bees back in the day…Dont be such a prude Don
Lastly I am old enough to remember the Milkman but that was even before…the 77 Gas Shortage and even before Ford got lucky becoming President..so these youngs uns would not know about getting milk from anyplace but your local Pathmark…
Funny List..And I agree for the most part..there are more then 57 though cause the Navy has a few of them and they are damned fine kids…
R/Zman
Ha!
Zman has a point. (it is totally weird when those Barbers lean over their clients)
Bschool
Yeah its always freaked my out when some older barber is leaning over me……we need more well endowed female barbers if they insist on doing it…..oh i can hear it now from Mr Mills i shouldnt have said that….but I am sure Ms Fossil will defend him if he insists on berating me…zman
Mr. Zman,
Nice to hear from you lad. I missed you.
Thanks for going through your “issues” slowly for me, son. I’ll try to show the same courtesy as I disabuse you of a few notions. You may want to sit.
I have plenty of important things to do besides stare out my window and kvetch about young people. (By the way, I don’t “kvetch” about them – I make detailed notes, take down licence plate numbers and snap the occasional photo).
I’ll have you know, lad, that I am active at the local senior’s centre (captain of the scrabble team/member of the lawn bowling team and alternate on the euchre squad), enjoy morning drives in my Buick LeSabre, fancy myself a decent gardener, like to read and am an avid Jumble player. Fairly well-rounded I think you’d have to agree.
As for cardigans –I’m sorry to hear that they got you beaten up. But a sound thrashing builds character and they are damned stylish. The ladies love them. Trust me. Your Penelope would, I’m sure, like to see you in a sensible sweater.
I think we’ve been through the ball issue before but I reiterate – if your ball lands on my property it ceases to belong to you and becomes my property. I forgive the first transgression but after that – the ball gets stored until an appropriate ransom is received. If I still have it after 12 months, it goes to my church yard sale or I burst it just for kicks.
As for the red haired and freckled kids…well, sorry if that hit a nerve Zman but my experience has been that the red heads aren’t entirely serious minded. If you’re a red head, then I’ll admit I may have been rash.
On the haircut front – you’re a mile wide Zman. You don’t need an 8 dollar haircut to look good and I can appreciate that not everyone likes (or can afford) Jerry. (He is an odd man but he does a decent short back and sides.) I don’t care if your mom cuts your hair or if you do it yourself as long as it is a decent style and length.
The types of haircuts I’m talking about are those elaborate origami-looking monstrosities that the young people sport. I suspect getting that work done costs more than a trim from Jerry and like takes 100 times as long.
I don’t like pornography Zman. Nothing you or anyone can say will change my mind on that. And I can assure you that the raciest thing Aggie and I ever viewed together was a stage production of “Auntie Mame.”
I think that’s about it. You’re likely right about the Navy having some decent lads and I may concede some ground on the red heads if pushed so, all in all, I think you won a couple of rounds this time out.
All the best.
Don
Outrageously funny. And ironically true. Which is why I never spawned. I mean what are the odds that you will have one of the 57? And next thing you know, they are pushing 30, still living home and spending all of your money pretending to be Upscale.
Many thanks Uppity Woman and welcome.
I appreciate your kind words and can understand your hesitation about having children. As I’ve demonstrated, the odds of having a decent little sprog (despite good parenting and best of intentions) are frighteningly low.
Plus, even if they are decent, they can be damned irritating.
All the best
Don
As I read your list, one-by-one, I mentally removed everyone I know from your list, even my almost perfect father, who was rating quite well until I reached farting in elevators. I, myself, am still on the list since I am perfect. I have no flaws to speak of.
Just in! A decent young person was spotted riding a bus in Tokyo. Was said to have passed all criteria regarding your listed items as well as a few bonus features, such as: taped glasses. He obviously didn’t bother his parents for material possessions such as unbroken eye wear.
It also was noted (via a metal detector) that he carried zero electronic devices on his body. He did, however, have an inhaler in his pocket protecto.
Thank you Tricia,
Not to get too technical here but unless your father was farting on elevators AND leaving everyone to assume an old man on his way to the dentists was responsible, he would not actually be excluded from the list.
If, let’s say, he was farting on elevators just to make young people feel uncomfortable – well that’s just a perk of getting older.
And I’m not in the least bit surprised that you passed with flying colors. Nevertheless, well done and congratulations. As you point out, I’ve tried to set the bar rather high.
Thanks too for the update on the decent young person in Toyko. I’ll check it against my data and make any required updates.
All the best
Don
Alas Mister mills,
I am off this list. The reason I am going to admit to is I am a Ginger. Flaming red hair, freckles, and skim about as pale as a glass of milk.
I suppose I also curse in public, but not around the elderly and children. Or nuns. I have some decency.
*Le sigh*
I also occasionally smoke cannabis, but I only do that when it would be acceptable to drink, in private and when I do not need to do anything. So I suppose I do it responsibly.
Oh and damnit, I don’t own a cardigan, have watched a pornographic film, though not in a wile, and I had my clothes on…I think.
Oh..And I on occasion roll my eyes and say dude, but rarely.
Still puts me off your list. Ah well, it was good wile it lasted.
I will respect your lawn though!
Many thanks Rose,
It’s a shame and I’d be happy to look the other way if it were just a question of one foolish “senior mooning” but you have a number of issues at play here. Cannabis? That’s nasty business. Pornography? Unsettling. And a lack of cardigan? Shocking!
Still, you’re a good lass at heart Rose and I suspect that you can turn this around. Stay true to yourself and be good to others (especially seniors).
As a first step – I’d suggest you go shopping for a sweater. A nice brown/beige or tan cardigan never goes out of style.
All the best,
Don
Personally as Rose is a ginger I think a nice forest green would be a better choice.
Sadly, I am also off the list. Why? I have my hair cut like a boy. Traditional girl’s cuts simply don’t flatter me. I think perhaps you may be too quick to judge on unconventional hair, as while most are simply baffling and a nuisance, some can be quite nice.
I also have to admit that I have never mastered the art of baiting a line. Except with my own fingers. I’ve also been known to cut across lawns once in a while, thoguh since most of the area I live in is wooded, it doesn’t happen often.
I have a very valid reason for my current lack of upper undergarments, and I wouldn’t dare go out in public like this. I have a terrible breakout on my back and shoulders and the straps are making it worse.
I could probably rub some of that anti Acne cream and give you an oatmeal bath. ^_^
That would actually be most appreciated. I just can’t quite reach some of it.
I am at your service my lady. *bows*
Wow, I was cut pretty early in that. I had four on the list!
Now I feel completely unfit to teach the 100 students currently in my care. You’ve been gone so long that I didn’t even get to tell you that I started student teaching! It’s making me hate young people right along with you. If one more gum popping teenager asks me why they have to do something, I might just snap. Kids will be flying out all the windows!
Glad your back, Don!
Hello Jenny,
Congratulations on starting your student teaching assignment. I imagine it is tough but am sure you will have those hellions whipped into shape in no time flat. Stick with it, lass, you’ll do wonderfully I’m sure.
All the best.
Don
One of those
dudesyoungsters that called you an ass hat had a Texas accent. What he really said was “nice hat.” But you know them Texans. His horse did drop a load in town, so I guess that still puts him on your exclusive exclusion list.Many thanks Jammer,
It’s quite possible one was a texan but I’d be quite surprised in any young person were to compliment me on my hat. I tend to wear mine the right way around (that seems to confuse them).
Thanks for visiting, Jammer.
All the best,
Don
It would seem I was removed from the list for swearing in public. I probably also failed in the “tucks shirt in”-category, but you shouldn’t tuck in t-shirts as far as I’m aware.
Sorry to hear that Sander. I had high hopes for you lad.
I may be able to get you an exemption on the t-shirt (as long as it doesn’t have a ridiculous saying on it like “Vaginatarian”).
Thanks for stopping in.
Don
I think you’re in serious trouble with the red hair here. Where ever does that leave me AND Nonnie?
Thanks Sledpress,
It seems I have may been a bit rash with the red head comment. Who knew there were so damned many of you folks.
I’ll reconsider. I’ve never been fond of blondes so perhaps there is still some room to manoeuvre here.
All the best.
Don
Mr. Mills,
I’ve been reading your site since May and have been really enjoying it. I know there are many things on your list that have knocked me out of the “decent young people” category, but a healthy respect for the English language is not one of them. In your statement on removing youth who do not wear undergarments, you state the practice is “unhygenic too boot.” The proper use there should be “unhygenic to boot.”
I am sorry for typing this, but it really jumped out to me and the beauty of the internet allows me to point this out without feeling like a complete jerk. Again, I really enjoy your blog and keep up the great work.
-Nelson
P.S. I ran through your list with my wife and she would have been a decent young person, but she’s never baited a hook. Not too shabby
Many thanks Nelson and welcome.
Nice of you to leave a comment, lad. And I appreciate your pointing out my mistake. Both my golf game and proofreading skills have been in serious decline for quite some time I’m afraid.
Feel free to point out errors anytime you see them lad. And I’m glad to hear that your wife passed with flying colors. Clearly, you’re a lucky man.
All the best,
Don
Dear Nelson,
At least Mr Mills spelt “unhygienic” correctly, which you did not.
LIly Fossil
There goes Ms Fossil again, correcting others on behalf of Mr Mills. I guess OLDER folk stick together….birds of a feather kvetching together…r/zman
Dear Steve,
It was not my intention to correct others “on behalf of Mr Mills”. He is quite capable of doing that himself.
I was merely drawing attention to the fact that Mr Nelson called out Mr Mills on his spelling of “to/too” which was probably a typo rather than a willful spelling mistake, and then he (Mr Nelson) used the incorrect spelling of “unhygienic”, not once but twice, which rendered the whole gist of his post obsolete.
Yours Truly,
Lily Fossil
Ms Fossil
Why Not Let Mr Mills pipe up about the correcting the person, why is Ms Fossil ALWAYS correcting people anyways…zman
I love you, Lily Fossil.
Oh no,
I’m a reject as well.
I have seen pron movies in the past.
Have had various odd haircuts and colors
Am a sloppy dresser underneath my “lab coat”.
Have had to resort to using “al fresco” toileting facilities.
Have dug for gold in my nose and have said various bad words in public.
The “eyeroll” was my constant companion in adolescence.
I have never fished but am tempted to try to supplement the food that never stretches far enough.
I think the elevator fart trick is um, cool, sort of, never tried it but have never actively looked for a curmudgeon to do this to.
Never kissed on a bus. You don’t ride the bus, Don. What’s up with that.
I’m ugly and my feets are too big for a lady.
I’ll never be your 58th decent young human. Sorry.
Nice to see you downcastmysoul.
No need to apologize, difficult as it may be to believe, I myself fall short in a few categories. However, since I am no longer a young person I feel I’m entitled to swear as much as like, dress as I like and do as I like. It’s one of the benefits of aging.
I do ride the bus on occasion. I don’t like to overwork the LeSabre (and young drivers are a menace so I tend not to drive when they might be awake). There is a stop just down my street so I take advantage when I have some light shopping to do.
And nothing wrong with big feet on a lady. Aggie had size 10 feet and was a pretty as a peach.
All the best,
Don
Size 10 feet rock.
Nine and a half, double wide, myself.
When I put my foot down, people know it.
Size 10 here too. One of the benefits of being tall. If my feet were smaller, I’d fall over.
Claire,
I hear ya. I’m 5’9″ size nine shoe.
So, we make earthquakes when we walk…at least we have something to stand on…those tiny little feet are too unsteady.
Heh, I have tiny feet! I have between a six and seven in womens.
Wear flip flops a lot and forsake any shoes with too much support. Your feet may spread out and you may grow a size! I hear that if you have a baby your feet will grow, too, but it’s only hearsay in my world.
Both of those will only widen the feet, not lengthen them. And the numeric size is determined by length.
It’s okay luv, my feet aren’t that much larger and they’re wide to boot. I wear about an eight wide.
I like my tiny feet, I’m small aside from some extra chub, which I got rid of eight pounds of. I also have a small hands, though the are a bit chubby! Power to the short people!
Don, I saved this post for today to savour the original and the abuse / comments.
I thought it might be fun to apply the 21 questions to me, a fully paid up oldie at 54 years, as I am now and in very recent past. So,
1) cannabis; never.
2) porn, not for a few years as my tackle no longer does…
3) I am almost fully scalp bald, and grey (or gray) what’s left.
4)Never call anyone asshat, OFaBOF maybe.
5)I wear my shirt untucked as it is more comfortable on, and hides, my aged pot belly.
6)We removed all the grass at our home and call it DUNMOIN, get it?
7)I have weeweed in public parks when gainfully employed as a seasonal warden many years ago, not recently but with the prostatism building, how long?
8)I only speak english, that word ain’t.
9)I know 2 out of 3, and my mum knew the milkman very well…
10)I proudly wear my cardie, a new one even…
11)If I roll my eyes I vomit with vertigo.
12)I used to fish but our local rivers are too polluted now.
13)I have never gone commando, too much to hold up…
14) I neither chew gum (too many crowns and fillings) or have piercings other than sternal scar from open heart surgery.
15)I daren’t fart in public as I will poo as well, see prostate above…
16)My grandrels are long since pushing up the daisies.
17)Er, what is a bus?
18)My jeans no longer fit over my midrif bulge.
19)I do drag my feet from the weight of the world on my shoulders for many years, and i don’t care a flying F word.
20)see above as bald / grey.
21) I stare if I don’t have my glasses on, only way to detect the kids rushing at and around me.
So, where does that leave me?
dave
Many thanks Dave for the comprehensive response.
I have to admit that I can relate to a good number of your responses (particularly as they pertain to thinning hair and concerns of the prostrate).
The good news is that the young people “rules of decency” really don’t apply to older gents like us. We’ve long since earned the right to do whatever the Hell we like. (I figure that after 50 plus years of towing the decency line a man is entitled to let his remaining hair down, so to speak).
There is a whole different list of criteria for being a decent old person. I haven’t given it a great deal of thought but I expect it would involve things like dressing appropriate to your age, not taking guff from damned know-it-all young people and advising telemarketers to go to Hell and then slamming the phone down on them.
So, I suspect you’re absolutely fine. A man who proudly wears a new cardigan, doesn’t give a flying F word and has never gone “commando” is likely well on the right side of decency.
Thanks again, Dave.
Good to hear from you.
Don
Aww, Mister Mills you should have more fun with Telemarketers.
Now this one is time consuming but I hear they never call back.
Step one: Find a play you like, personally I like “Hamlet.”
Step Two: Get some water.
Step Three: Wait
Step Four: When those bastards call you, start reading your favorite play. A lot of them are not allowed to hang up on you, because they’ll lose their jobs if they kill a sale they might have gotten.
Step five: Once you have gotten through a good chunk, ask them if they had enough. I assure you unless they are secretly theater buffs, they will have by this point. Tell them never to call you again
Step six: Hang up.
I will pick up a Zane Grey novel and wait by the phone.
Many thanks for the tip.
Don
Good job. Oh and you should take a look at my blog.
http://rosespetals.wordpress.com/
Many thanks Rose.
I have been visiting your blog and , I believe, read all of your posts. I won’t claim to understand it all – the content is a little over my head in a few areas.
If you don’t mind a suggestion, Rose, you might want to link your user name to your blog. That way, people reading comment threads can simply click on your name and pay you a visit.
It’s simple to do. Go into your global dashboard, then your profile, add your blog’s url under “primary blog” and update! That should take care of it.
All the best,
Don
I decided for your amusement and Mister Mills’s Horror I will provide a comprehensive response.
I am not high on Cannabis this very moment.
I have viewed pornography nothing too nasty just the run off the mill stuff. I was how ever wearing clothes.
I have a chin length bob cut, it think that’s normal
Hmm, lawn care. My old man is damned particular about how his lawn is cared for, so I can’t mow the lawn or anything, he thinks I’ll ruin it.
I don’t tuck in my shirt, but…I’m a woman, women often don’t. And tucking it in makes me look like a fatty. I don’t show my underpants though.
I do not remember if I have urinated in a public park or not. So I plead the fifth on that one.
I roll my eyes, but only at rude people who are full of shit. It’s either that or unleash my fists of fury.
I do not often use the word dude.
I have heard of John Wane, though when it comes to Westerns I though you like me would be a Clint Eastwood man. Clint East wood is like the definition of bad ass. I am related to General Patton, and I learned about the Milk man from old movies.
I have never tipped a cow; I do not dig for gold, I cuss in public but not around elderly people or children, and not in formal places. I don’t moon old people; no one needs to be subjected to me naked. I’m not exactly sure what form of sweater a cardigan is, but I don’t think I have one. I do have a nice dress shirt, button down sweater vest combo.
I think I fished, once. I was terrible at it.
I wear undergarments.xD
I do not snap my gum, and pierced nipples frighten me. I don’t want needles near my naughty bits.
I don’t far in elevators, well it’s happened once or twice in a Doctor’s office, but it was not intentionally and I was on medication for intestinal blockage. I said excuse me and took the blame properly.
I visited my Grandmother often.
I don’t ride the bus, or slobber over my girlfriend in public. It’s rather rude, and has little redeeming quality, and honestly is likely to end up with one or both of us being attacked, depending on the place.
I don’t scratch my crotch in public, that’s what bathroom is for.
I don’t drag my feet.
I am a red head, and I think it looks nice with my pale skin. But I know what you mean, I’m fucking terrified of clowns. They are way unsettling,with their over done make up, fake hair, ungodly huge shoes, pointy teeth yellow eyes. I won;t speak to them exept for long enough to tell them to get their claws away from me.
I don’t stare at random people, it’s creepy.
Many thanks Rose,
A very interesting response. I would suggest that perhaps the most troubling aspect of your comment is the fact that you are unsure of what a cardigan is.
In addition to being universally recognized as a stylish piece of clothing, the cardigan is likely the most versatile member of the sweater family (followed closely by the sweater vest)
The following link may be of assistance (though I believe red is a poor choice)
I recently took part in a debate at the seniors centre on the topic of sweaters and argued the “pro-cardigan” side against the “pro-sweater” side. It was a heated argument but I believe my squad was triumphant in arguing that the cardigan is, in fact, the finest sweater known to man.
If you’d be interested, I could request a full transcript of the debate (there was some colorful language and it got a little personal at point). The only caution I would have is that the official recorder, Helga Kravis, is terribly hard of hearing so some of the finer points may have been misconstrued. (We had a terrible time with her version of the “public transportation” debate. In her written version there were repeated references to “pubic transportation,” “bucolic masturbation” and “republic aggravation.”)
Thanks again for your responses.
All the best,
Don
It should be “I think it’s normal”. Spellcheck Randomly changed a few things.
The only reason why I have heard of a milkman is because my father’s father was a milkman. Neither my father or I have ever met him.
Many thanks Ahmnodt,
A familiar story, I’m afraid. The Milkman was a much loved American icon.
All the best,
Don
Hey, Don. Although I might fit into some of those categories (such as never fishing since I’m a vegetarian), and I think there are probably more than 57 decent young people in the world, I liked the post a lot. Keep ’em coming!
Gerard
Many thanks Gerard,
I stand by my number but am surprised – I was clearly under the belief that you were on of the 57. Still lots of time to bait a hook lad. Catch and release is the way to go anyway.
All the best and thanks for visiting.
Don
Dear Donald,
I realize Australia may be considered a bit behind the times by my American friends, but we still have a Milkman here who drives around the neighborhood in a white refrigerated van (containing milk and other dairy products) blasting loud “MOO, MOO” sounds from a loud speaker, mega-phoney thingy. ( “MOOOOO” for your young readers is the sound a cow makes and a cow is from where we get milk).
To tell the truth, he is damned annoying and I refuse to avail myself of his services.
Lily
Thanks Lily,
Interesting to learn that there are still a few milkmen out there plying their trade.
I’ve never heard of a milkman with a “megaphone” though. Our milkman delivered our milk, butter and eggs early in the morning – well before the sun was even up. He was damned quiet (stealthy even). And if he’d dared blast any kind of barnyard animal sounds he likely would have found himself with a pound of freshly churned butter rammed down his throat (you didn’t dare wake up my old dad).
I don’t blame you for finding it annoying. It sounds god damned moronic to me.
(And thanks for identifying that the “moo” sound comes from a cow. I fully agree that this may be news to some of the younger folks.)
All the best
Don
So it is universal, milkmen offer services as well as delivering daily produce?
Whew. That’s quite a list there, Don, and I’m relieved that I don’t have to pass muster as I am no longer “young” by any criteria you wish to apply.
I applaud many of your elimination points, particularly the use of the word “Dude”, which drives me nutty. I mean, damn it, my son knows my name, it is “Mother” or “Mom”, so why is he calling me “Dude?” I think it is a hole filler, the sort of thing the Valley Girls used when their brain was farting: “Like”, and “You know.” Then I tell myself to lighten the heck up, after all when we were kids we called people “Man.”
I found it amusing that you find snapping gum and having piercings to be equivalently annoying. I have never been able to master the art of snapping gum even though I tried and practiced for several days when I was 15 because I thought it was so cool. I am gum challenged, I guess.
Darling Don, you have never had a vaginal yeast infection, have you? Apparently Darling Aggie never did either, or you might have more sympathy for the act of “going commando.” Actually, I believe we evolved in conditions that allowed that part of our bodies to experience lots of fresh air and so all those layers we insist on encasing it in leads to conditions that conspire to create that most horribly uncomfortable of conditions. Now explain why it is unhygienic? Why does the extra layer of panties make my skirt or slacks more hygienic when I sit or stand? It makes as much sense as saying that shoes are more hygienic than bare feet, when both items have spent the same amount of time in contact with the ground, carpet, park grass, dog feces, etc. When I step in dog do when I am barefoot I can testify that I notice it right away and it is a lot easier to wash it off of my feet than it is to get it out of all those stitches and crevices they insist on installing on the bottoms of shoes. Plus when you are barefoot you tend to watch where you are putting your feet more so you aren’t as likely to step in it in the first place.
That head looking down position helps convince the elders that you are respectful too.
All that being said, I do not think there is a single decent young person in all of Laclede County, so if you know one where you live, you are lucky.
Cotton, dear, cotton. It “breathes.” It’s hygienic. It wicks away moisture.
Now, let’s just leave it that, shall we?
Hydrangea
I tried cotton. It’s not as good as fresh air, trust me.
Dear Mr. Mills,
My parents made fair attempt to raise me right. Unfortunately, I managed to fail my folks somewhere down the line and completely disqualified myself from the category of decent young person, though I’m happy to say that these days I currently only violate the category involving unconventional hair. I fear my current hairstyle may not meet your approval, but my days of active indecency are over. In fact, I usually agree with your posts, and use them as guidelines as I attempt to teach the next generation of young people in the public school system. “Take that hood off your head! Pull your britches up! Quit smacking that gum! Get that hair out of your eyes, boy!” I hope I can do you proud and make up for my past indiscretions, sir.
Always looking forward to your newest post,
Mary
Mr. Mills
Another auburn-haired lady wondering what you have against us?
Goodness me, I think I shall go sort my cardigans.
Hydrangea.
I love your blog Mr. Mills.
My father raised me right and proper. He taught me to bait a hook, catch my dinner, gut it, and cook it. So basically I made it all the way down to your list (Which is surprising considering I’m still in my teen years) until I hit red hair.
My father has red hair while my mom and has dark brown hair, and mine tends to switch between the two and then some.
I guess I’m just another red headed girl who wants to know what you’ve got against us.
Mr. Mills,
Its very saddening if we think how these young jerks will raise the next generation. I think think you are quite lucky in that way as you won’t be there to see all that!!!
blast it, id have made it if it weren’t for the fishing requirement – though i do want to go fishing, just haven’t had the opportunity.
make that 57.5 people
Oh no, I got taken off the list at the fishing one… When I fished I had my dad bait the hook because I was 12 and not as coordinated as I should be – and afraid of hurting myself at that. I’d just seen another person end up with the hook in her eyebrow. I think it’s reasonable that I didn’t want to do it.
Also I have to give a big “AMEN” to the attention to Public Displays of Affection. I can’t stand that.
Awww… I almost made it Mr. Mills. Alas, I inherited recessive genes from my Mother. I have just been pointed to your blog by the lovely Dr Isis (the Laborotory Goddess) and I am enjoying reading through your articles very much. I hope you have a lovely day.
Many thanks Lauren and welcome,
Those damned recessive genes will get you every time.
I hope you have a wonderful day as well. Thanks for visiting with me.
All the best,
Don