God Damned Chauffeured Young People Drive Me Around the Bend
The problem with young people today is that they refuse to walk.
Back when I was in short pants, kids walked if they wanted to go somewhere. And if it was too far to walk we were expected to use our bicycles, hitchhike or jump a ride on a slow-moving freight train and fight off the hobos.
God gave us legs for a reason, damn it, and if we didn’t use them our parents cut them off, tossed them in the furnace and used them to heat the house. It was cruel but so was winter. Sometimes you had to make a choice between indulging lazy children or preventing chilblains.
But these kids today, they expect their parents to drive them everywhere – school, the mall, a friend’s house. I’m not sure if it’s because they’re indolent or just too dense to find their own way but regardless of the cause – it’s a god damned disgrace.
If I had ever asked my dad to chauffeur me over to my pal Homer Frank’s house he would have put his fist in gear, driven me across the side of the head and then taken a U-turn, come back and kicked my ass.
Why do young people need $300 sneakers if they have no intention of ever setting rubber to road? It’s no wonder they have feet like circus clowns – they’re not putting on the mileage needed to wear them down to a sensible size 9 ½ D. It’s freakish and un-American.
I’m not surprised they demand to be driven everywhere. It seems to me that young people go straight from being carried around in the womb to being toted around in a “snuggly” to being pulled around in a wagon to being chauffeured around in the back seat of their parent’s SUV like some God damned international business tycoon.
Frankly, it’s amazing that they ever learned to walk in the first place.
Young people need to get out of the car and back to walking the streets where they belong. It’ll build muscle, character and stop them from devolving into gelatinous blobs barely capable of driving their sorry asses back into the primordial soup from whence they came.
They refuse to walk. That’s the problem with young people today.