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Did I Forget to Mention the 10-Minute Lunch Hour?

I’m getting damned sceptical of all these complaints about the economy. It seems to me that if someone wants to work and is willing to work hard there will always be opportunity.

Just this week, I posted the following notice on the bulletin board at the supermarket. You’d think that if things are as bad as people say, my damned phone would have been ringing off the hook.

help wanted 2

Well my phone did ring but just with calls from young delinquents using obvious “gag” names and trying to pull moronic pranks on me.

I received only two serious applications and after a careful phone vetting neither young Mr. Chronic nor his friend Gaylord bothered to show for an interview. Disgraceful.

And so I’m putting you damned unemployed young folk on notice that you’ll receive no more sympathy – or job offers – from me.

—–

(A special thanks to Bearman, over at bearman cartoons for whipping up the Don Mills Public Service Annoucement (on the right there, damn it). Good to see I’m as  handsome animated as I am in real life.)

109 Comments leave one →
  1. Lily permalink
    12:41 am

    Goodness Gracious me, Donald, I can barely type for laughing so much and now I need to go change my Depends.

    “Good natured, kindly old man” ? Good god man, who are you trying to kid? You are as “good natured and kindly” as a Tasmanian Devil with a toothache or a meth addict after a 40day/night bender.

    I am curious as to why you need someone with Metallurgical qualifications? You’re not resorting to melting down your copper pots and pans are you? Because you may need them to throw at those feckless young people who turn up without ringing you first.

    Your incontinent

    Lily Fossil

    P.S. Well done bearmancartoons on the excellent poster!

    • 1:34 am

      Hmm, I wondered about the metallurgy bit myself. However if Mr. Mills can furnish me with a small blast furnace, I could melt down his pots and cast him a solid-brass cane. Just the thing for those extra-snotty teenagers.

      • 1:58 am

        i thought that part of the job would be scanning the yard with one of those metal detectors that they sell on tv. i don’t know why i assumed that don has one of those, but for some reason, it sounds right.

        • 4:49 am

          You think for one second he’d let a teen waltz into his driveway, let alone his front door without frisking them for firearms? I think not.

    • 4:47 am

      Ahaha, Lily yes, I did raise a brow at the “Good natured, kindly old man” as well.

      Mr. Mills is a good man. To quote a favourite author of mine; “Good” does not necessarily imply “nice”. Sometimes the world needs to have some damn sense beaten into it.

      • Lily permalink
        5:04 am

        Dear TJ,

        Thank you for alerting me to this. I hope Donald takes my comment in the jest for which it was intended.

        Of course WE know he is really a good natured and kindly old man but he has every damned right to be as cranky as he likes when it comes to the gormless youth of today. More power to the Don, I say !

        Lily

        • 5:22 am

          Thank you, Lily.

          I’m sorry for breaking my post up into two parts, I was going to adress both points at once, but I had to run off and prevent a minor young people-induced catastrophe on the slab belt(during a well-earned coffee break, that is).

      • 3:47 pm

        Many thanks TJ. Nice of you to say, son.

        And I’ll find you the blast furnace if you’re willing to cast me that solid-brass cane. I can only imagine the fun I’d have with that.

        Thanks again. You’re a good lad.

        Best regards,

        Don

      • downcastmysoul permalink
        2:05 am

        Amen, people don’t know the difference. Sometimes it’s hard to ascertain the good beneath the gruff exterior but it’s worth it in most cases. “Nice” people have been proudly serving the devil since time began.

    • 3:15 pm

      Thanks for visiting Lily.

      Always a pleasure to have you stop in. Now, granted, “good natured” and “kindly” may have been slight overstatements but I didn’t think I’d generate much interest with my original draft of:

      “Angry, cantankerous old bastard looking for…”

      Turns out it likely wouldn’t have mattered much.

      Besides, if approached properly and given the appropriate amount of respect I’ve been known to be borderline civil.

      I was looking for someone with metallurgical knowledge because I like well-rounded people who know a thing of two about alloys. You also never know when some metalworking may be required around the house.

      And, no, I’m definitely not looking to melt my pots and pans (though I do have a bad habit of putting eggs on to boil, falling asleep and burning the pots myself).

      Take care Lily and thanks again for the visit.

      Best regards,

      Don

  2. justsomebloke permalink
    12:44 am

    Dear Sir,

    To facilitate applications, you should announce yourself with the letters PLC after your credentials, since any workphobic youngster will tell you, we are merely looking over your shoulder at the greener grass.

    Apart from that, I’m not sure my application would merit beyond that of your incumbant 18yr old nurse who is studying a combined degree in criminal forensics/jurisprudence & lapdancing.

    I tried to chat her up, but was put off my stride when the porsche and ever sharp chef-set brochures fell from under her skirt onto my toes at the local viagra & amyl nitrate dealer.

    yours sincerely,

    0800 ambulance lawyer

    • 3:24 pm

      Many thanks justsomebloke,

      Could be I’m getting soft in the head but I have to admit I had some trouble understanding exactly where you were going with this son.

      I’m also not sure what PLC might stand for? I know TLC and PDQ but this one’s got me stumped.

      Apologies if I’m missing the obvious.

      And If by “incumbent 18yr old nurse” you’re referring to Hattie, my PSW, you may need to take a closer look. She’s 40 if she’s a day and I suspect she hasn’t had anything stuffed up her skirt in a good long time.

      All the best, lad.

      Don

      • Lily permalink
        9:10 pm

        Dear Donald,

        I can assure you that you are not going soft in the head because I also had a great deal of difficulty understanding “justsomebloke’s” comment. I can only presume he is young and quite possibly on drugs.

        As for the PLC, I know that stands for Presbyterian Ladies’ College, because that’s the school I attended as a young lady.

        I fail however at comprehending why Mr Bloke would suggest you putting PLC after your name, unless he meant “Poor Life Choice” in which case it still doesn’t make sense. Maybe some young person will be able to explain.

        The important thing is you make a whole lot of sense to me, and that’s what counts.

        Lily

  3. 12:50 am

    *VERY un-lady-like snort into my evening medicinal whiskey*
    (Have I mentioned that I am the intemperate sort?)

    Oh Mr. Mills!

    *snicker*

    You need a nice foot soak and a prune danish for this one…

    Too amusing.

    M.L.

    • 3:27 pm

      Many thanks wordsweneversaid,

      Nothing wrong with a medicinal whiskey. I’ve been known to take one myself (and I don’t always wait until evening).

      The prune danish, on the other hand, I can do without. I like my prunes unadulterated. Damned tasty.

      Always nice to hear from you.

      Don

  4. Myrna permalink
    12:52 am

    It’s shocking that you didn’t hear from serious applicants. Shocking. It’s also proof that the economy is doing just fine.

    • 3:31 pm

      Thanks Myrna,

      Damn right. Proof positive. Forget the damned economists and their flow charts and statistics – this is a real “indicator.”

      Best,

      Don

  5. 12:57 am

    What ever have you got against pimples in the young? As we know, pimples are just backed-up sperm, so the pimply kid is at least not a practicing sex fiend. Choose your battles.

    • 1:22 pm

      hey sledpress I had pimples as a teenager. are you implying I was full of banked up sperm?

    • 3:34 pm

      Many thanks Sledpress,

      I have to admit that you may be right. I find pimples unsightly but perhaps I was unwise to rule them out. As you suggest, this could just be an unfortunate side effect of sexual self-control.

      I’ll choose my battles more carefully in future and put up another notice inviting the acne-ridden to apply.

      Thanks for the help. I appreciate it.

      Best regards,

      Don

  6. 1:54 am

    first, applause for mr. bearman. i noticed the new banner immediately, and he really captured your inner ummm…beauty! yeah, beauty. 😀

    (second, and i’ll whisper this so i don’t insult anyone unnecessarily–is sledpress sarah palin? 😯 )

    third, i believe i might know a young man who might want to take that job, don. his name is john-sam, or sam-john, or something like that. he had a job, but he left it for some reason. let me know if you want me to give him your phone number.

    • 1:28 pm

      First Nonnie…thank you.

      Second…damn you. You stole my sam-john joke.

    • 3:41 pm

      Many thanks Nonnie,

      Yes, the Bearman did some fine work. Good to see him using his cartoonyness for worthwhile causes and not just scribbling pictures of space women with oversized breasts.

      An interesting notion about Sledpress but she strikes me as considerably smarter than Mrs. P. (Then again, I believe my budgie, Fred, may be smarter as well so I’m not sure there is much of a compliment in saying that. The bird had the blinking thing too. Think it was a neurological issue but I’m not sure. Anyway, he’s long dead now).

      And I don’t mean to pick on Palin in particular. I dislike all politicians on principle. I worked for too damned many of them.

      Finally, sure, send this Johnson lad my way. Hopefully he’s had some experience working for a strict taskmaster.

      All the best,

      Don

  7. 2:11 am

    nonnie9999, please wash your mouth out with soap. I can’t help having glasses and I’ve been doing my hair that way possibly since before Sarah Palin was born. If it came down to naked mud wrestling without her moose guns and so on, I would have her tapping out before you could say “My-T-Fine Chocolate Pudding.” Except then I’d have to touch her. Blecch.

    • 2:25 pm

      Did someone mention Sarah Palin? My God, you do look like her. I love you!

    • 2:18 am

      a thousand apologies, sledpress. i should have realized that, along with being an ignorant bigot, she probably steals other people’s signature looks. may i say that you do the glasses and up-do far better than princess sarah ever did?

      • 10:16 pm

        (blushes) Thank you, dollinks.

        I’m less expensive to wardrobe, too. If I were skulduggerously charging things to the State of Alaska or the Republican National Committee, they’d be looking bemusedly at bills for padded palm lifting gloves, Inzer knee wraps, Frog Bras and a spandex muscle shirt for that intimidating look on the debating platform. (Hey — Arnold and Jesse started it.)

  8. Friar permalink
    2:30 am

    Don;

    Your forgot “Dig a hole, and fill it up again”.

    (Like they made Paul Newman do, in Cool-hand Luke).

    • 4:03 pm

      Many thanks Friar,

      Funny you mention it but that was actually going to be part of the interview process.

      All the best,

      Don

  9. 2:44 am

    I think you lost a lot of applicants at drug-testing and the 500-word essay.

    • 4:04 pm

      Thanks Ahmnodt,

      I suspect you’re right but I had no choice. I needed to root the undesirables out early.

      Good to see you again.

      Don

  10. 3:03 am

    I think your lack of response may have to do with not leaving a complete phone number.

    Those who did get through were probably just as suprised as you.

    Or from 4chan. Those bastards can find out anything.

    • 4:07 pm

      Many thanks Mr. Liontamer,

      Naturally I included my full number on the note I posted at the supermarket. I just decided to black things out because I’ve been led to believe that the internet is primarily comprised of pornographers and con men

      We older folks need to be wary of con men.

      Good to see you.

      Don

      • Debbi permalink
        2:23 am

        But not as wary of pornographers, I take it?

  11. 4:20 am

    Don,

    I think it might have had something to do with the “pimple” reference. I mean I get why you said it (acne = sick!), but most of the kids plagued with that eyesore would probably be the ones willing to accept constructive criticism in the manner intended. It’s all they know.

    And let’s face it, they definitely wouldn’t be sex feinds…unless you’re referring to the “one on himself action” kind of sex.

    Anyway,let me know if you want me to lend you my scythe. I only bought it to make a point at work (and make it I did).

    Musing you,
    Bschooled

    ps. I’m honored…and yes, BM did an amazing job with your animated profile. In fact, if you drove a Corvette I would rethink this whole Grandfatherly opinion I have of you…

    • 4:19 pm

      Many thanks bschooled,

      Good point on the acne and, as noted above, I have already reconsidered my position on this issue. As I will be barking commands from my porch anyway, I likely won’t be close enough to be forced to endure the topography of my young worker’s face.

      And good on you for bringing a scythe to the office. Forget this damned “team building” and “active listening” horse crap. Holding a sharpened blade to the throat of a troublesome co-worker is faster, more efficient and feels better too.

      All the best,

      Don

  12. 4:57 am

    Donald

    Where do I begin here my friend. First off above all and everything else you spelled Skeptical wrong. Perhaps your reading glasses need to be upgraded. What is with all the GOD DAMNs when did you become so angry, maybe you lighten up a bit young folk be a little nicer around you. Last and certainly not least, whats wrong with folks that have tattoos. Used to be a fella had a tattoo, that would mean he did a hitch in the service. I am hoping you have nothing against your Uncle Sam. And one more thing, you need help around the house why not just look someone up in the phonebook, you DO HAVE A PHONEBOOK correct, then again the bifocals are not working as advertised, but then we already discussed that. I agree younger folks are lazy and need to be taken to the woodshed, but the older generation is suppose to mentor NOT TORTURE…well I have said enough…..Respectfully Zman sends

    • 4:55 pm

      Nice to see you Zman,

      I always appreciate your comments.

      I think the real question here is where should I begin? And, per my usual practice, I will begin at the beginning and take you to task line by line.

      First off – “sceptical” is a universally accepted spelling. I’m no Mirriam Webster but my understanding is that the “k” version is more traditionally the American Spelling while the “c” is Belgian or Welsh or something. As my parents were of Scottish background and both notorious sceptics, I suppose I picked the spelling up from them.

      Secondly – My glasses are damned fine. I’ve had the same prescription for 40 years and have damned near perfect reading, writing and night vision. I’m also stealthy as hell and have reflexes like a cat but that’s neither here nor there.

      Thirdly – I only get angry when I see things going on around me that are an affront to common decency or undermine the great values of our nation. More people should be angry.

      Fourthly – I have no objections to tattoos on service men. I object to every damned young person in the world thinking that they need to put Chinese lettering on their arms, dragons on their necks and geometric patterns on their lower backs in order to be an individual. In my view, if you get a spider web tattooed on your neck when you are 19 you’re an idiot. Sorry.

      If you have to get a tattoo make it mean something. Like yours.

      And finally, there is nothing in my ad that suggests torture (there was in an early draft but Hattie made me take it out). Teaching someone the value of hard work, showing them how to improve and being tough on them when they need it is mentoring. Mollycoddling them is not.

      You’re one in a million Zman. Keep pitchin’ lad and I’ll keep swingin’.

      Best regards,

      Don

  13. 5:01 am

    Yes I agree the cartoon is outstanding, very well done Bearman…scares me just looking at it…zman

  14. 12:41 pm

    Crabby, just keeps getting crabbier. Watch out folks….he just might explode!😉

    • 5:06 pm

      Many thanks Yorksnbeans,

      I may boil over on occasion but I’m hopeful that I can avoid outright explosion.

      Best regards,

      Don

  15. 1:29 pm

    Actually I am surprised you got any calls given that the phone number got blotted out.

    • 5:08 pm

      Hello Bearman,

      Again, my sincere thanks again for your fine illustration. I think its found a good home on the whatsits side of the blog. Appreciate your doing that a great deal.

      As I said in my response to Mr. Liontamer, I blotted the numbers out for the purposes of this blog. The internet is a dangerous place full of young people with bad intentions.

      All the best,

      Don

  16. 2:24 pm

    As a young, hip dude…let me tell you the problem. All of the items you mentioned in the first paragraph are sexual references. “Shift rocks”? Really, could you be anymore obvious?

    Tone down the explicit sexual nature of your message and you might get a response. “Tend to his eaves”…I can’t believe you even wrote that you dirty old codger.

    • springjack permalink
      4:17 pm

      Tannerleah:

      How dare you cast aspersions on Don? He hasn’t made a double entendre in years. Everyone knows among the elderly, ‘tend to my eaves’ means ‘clip my ear hair’. I use that phrase myself at the barber’s.

      Springjack

      • 5:14 pm

        Many thanks Springjack,

        Appreciate your support. Haven’t used “tend to my eaves” at the barber but I’ll be sure to do so next time out. Things can get a little bushy at my age.

        Best

        Don

    • 5:11 pm

      Nice to see you again Mr. Leah,

      At first I was inclined to blow you off but I gave it some thought and you might have a point.

      I wasn’t aware of those possible interpretations but can’t say I’m surprised. I think young people have been able to turn almost every phrase in the English language into a smutty double entendre.

      I usually have my PSW, Hattie, check my posts for these kinds of boners but she’s not as hep as she used to be.

      Thanks for pointing this out. I’ll exercise greater caution in the future. Who knew getting my rocks off the driveway would be this hard?

      Kind regards,

      Don

      • YellowRoses610 permalink
        8:25 pm

        ..You had to notice that boner is a slang term for erection.

  17. 3:28 pm

    Mr. Mills,

    Enough is enough! We can take all the yelling at our youngster employees, all the frequent greetings with frowns and angry faces, the hundreds of times you came to the store to return the cauliflower “cause it smells like fart”, all the times one of our partners asked if you need help and you began to cry and ask, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”, all the practical jokes such as getting 30 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples’ trolley when they aren’t looking, setting all the alarm clocks in houseware to go off at 5 minute intervals, and going into a fitting room and yell real loudly: “Hey! We’re out of toilet paper in here!” And now the add in our bulletin board full of social phobias and offhand damnation.

    We won’t take it anymore. Mr. MillS, we no longer appreciate your business.

    From now on you are considered “persona non grata” in our premises.

    Dick Rasch
    Assistant Store Manager
    Loblaw Great Food

    “At Loblaws, more than the price is right; but, by gosh the price is right!”

    PS: The add has been removed and kept in our files as evidence in case legal measures need to be taken.

    • 5:43 pm

      Thanks for the comment Dick.

      (Funny coincidence, but a Dick Rasch was one of the lads that called about the job. We spoke for a while but he never called back. Wasn’t you was it?)

      Now, we have some things to sort out Mr. Rasch.

      First off, I think you’ve got the wrong man. I haven’t been in a Loblaws since I visited my sister-in-law in Canada some time ago. And as far as I can recall it was staffed by half-wits and courier de boie. Regardless, I suspect I can relate to the old man that did post a notice in your store and would be happy to respond to your complaints on his behalf.

      1) Of course we yell at the dimwits you hire. We have to. Because they either have headphones on so that they can listen to music while they try to figure out which side of a box of cereal is “up” or because they are talking amongst themselves and comparing who has the best hickey. If you beat your damned employees once in a while instead of catering to their endless need to take “breaks” we wouldn’t have to yell.

      2) Greetings with angry faces. Damn right. At least it is an expression. In my experience the youth your type hire look like they are in a coma or sleeping while standing up. They have their eyes half closed and their mouths half open, are completely void of movement and appear to be made of wax.

      3) If your cauliflower smells of “farts” you deserve to have it returned. Rather than point a finger at me, pull the finger of your produce boy and you’ll find the root cause of your problem.

      4) Crying? At your overinflated prices and the shocking lack of fresh prunes perhaps but not over any offer of assistance. In fact, I’ve never been asked if I needed help. I’ve been asked if I had “the time”, if I had “a light,” if I could “find it myself” and if I’d be willing to sell my urine to help a young man pass his drug test but that’s about it.

      5) I admit to the practical jokes. I like to keep you people on your toes. Plus, I’m doing you a favour setting the alarms clocks. It’s the only thing that keeps you staff from sleeping right through their shifts.

      6) I apologize on behalf of the old man you are referring to about the toilet paper incident. I admit that has happened to me on more occasions than I like to admit. Unfortunate, but I’d say the cost of doing business.

      I hope that helps.

      Now, look, we could go back and forth with the finger pointing but If I were you, Mr. Rasch, I’d view this as an opportunity to make your store more “senior friendly.” Sit down with the old man, hear him out, and see what can be done to make your Loblaws the best damned shopping experience it can be.

      Hope to hear from you again, Dick. Despite the complaints, you seem like a reasonable man.

      Best regards,

      Don

    • Jacob permalink
      6:14 pm

      First off: blatant plagiarism
      http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/spree.asp (from this and many other sources)

      Second, glad to know that your store “can take” all that from Don. Proofreading is your friend.

      People find humour in ridiculous situations that are plausible, not ones that have fake written all over them, Mr. Dick Rasch. Would anyone really believe that Don would make a fart joke?

      I wish you luck in your future attempts at humour.

      Sincerely,

      Jacob.

      P.S. Advertisement’s short form is ad, not add.

      • 6:43 pm

        Damned pranking youngsters.

        Many thanks for pointing this out Jacob (though I am somewhat embarrassed that I was so easily fooled and rose to the bait so quickly).

        I only wish I had heard from you before I spent 15 minutes writing a reply.

        Thanks again Jacob.

        Don

      • 12:21 am

        Jacob,

        I take full responsibility for the “blatant plagiarism”. My understanding of plagiarism is when someone steals another person’s idea and claims it as its own original work. When I used the text from one of the “many other sources” I never intended to achieve personal glory. I only meant to have fun with my friend Don. I never expected in my heart that those jokes would be considered original. I thought I was using sort of regular old jokes.

        I am a Portuguese speaking person and I’m working very hard to improve my English skills. Sometimes Google and the ‘copy and paste’ approaches help me a great deal to avoid committing more mistakes than I usually do. But I never planned to use this to fool others.

        I also try to live a very honest life and I didn’t mean to use any illegal method or subterfuge. I am very surprised, sorry, embarrassed and ashamed for all this. I apologize to you, to Don, and all the readers. From now on I’ll be more careful when using jokes or examples I find out there on the World Wide Web.

        Voltaire said: “Love truth, but pardon error”

        Contritely,

        Ivan

        • 1:45 am

          Ivan!

          You damned young prankster you! Now I can see where Arthur10 gets his mischievous streak from.

          No need to apologize, be embarrassed or anything else, lad. It’s a blog, not Time Magazine. No harm done and all in the spirit of fun.

          The tail end of the post was about the youngsters pranking me – so I shouldn’t have been surprised to see a “Dick Rasche” show up in the comments. It’s a wonder I haven’t heard from I.P. Nightly or Rusty Bedsprings yet.

          You’re a rascal, Ivan but you’re a good man too. I just poured myself a rye and I’m raising my glass to you my friend.

          Todo o melhor meu amigo.

          Don

          • 2:20 am

            My amigão, your words have really touched me and cheered me up a lot!!

            You’ve got a friend in me. When the road looks rough ahead and you’re miles and miles from your nice warm bed, just remember what your old pal said: You’ve got a friend in me.

            Is that from a song or did I just make it up?🙂

            Revived,

            Ivan

            PS: Thank God this is no Time Magazine. Your stuff is much better!

            • Lily permalink
              2:48 am

              Dear Ivan,

              Is this the song you were thinking of

              You’ve Got a Friend
              by Carole King
              as performed by James Taylor ?

              Lily

              • 4:45 am

                No, sweet Lily… the one I had in mind was the Intro song to Toy Story I, Randy Newman’s “You’ve Got a Friend in Me”.

                Do you know this one?

                Ivan

                • Lily permalink
                  5:40 am

                  I looked it up on yewtewb, and it is only vaguely familiar to me.

        • Jacob permalink
          3:37 pm

          Ivan,

          I’m glad to hear that you’re putting vigorous effort into learning the English language! Don’t be discouraged by me pointing out your gaffes. I do that to everyone without discrimination and it doesn’t affect my opinion of the person in question.

          I realize my response was a tad short, and for that, I apologize. I had assumed Mr. Dick Rasch was some internet prankster trying to discredit Mr. Mills while achieving glory with unoriginal content and a few unfortunate spelling slips. Even though I’ve only been around this blog for a few days, I’ve read all of his posts and have come to find that I agree with many of Don’s values so I couldn’t let him be embarrassed by such drivel.

          Clearly the old saying, “Assuming makes an ass out of you and me,” still holds true.

          I’ll try not to jump in uninvited on other threads in the future, however; I can’t guarantee that I won’t point out grammar and spelling mistakes. You can’t learn from your blunders if you don’t know that they are blunders!

          To forgiving and forgetting,

          Jacob

  18. David permalink
    4:59 pm

    I don’t think you have any reason to be concerned about thong-wearers. They either have boxers halfway off their butts or, more commonly, are going commando. Less laundry, you know. These damn environments and their water-saving sermmons are to blame from what I can tell.

    • 5:16 pm

      Thanks David,

      A frightening thought but I suspect you may be right. I’ll scratch the acne and pull the thong from my list.

      But, honestly, these damned environmentalists even have their hands in our underpants now? What the Hell is next?

      All the best,

      Don

  19. Gerard permalink
    6:13 pm

    That was a funny post, Don. Although the skill set that you require applicants to have is pretty intense (at least in my urban area), it’s a shame nobody took up the offer. I would gladly work for you, haha.

    I believe you should really watch the movie Gran Torino. I mentioned it in another post, but I’m not sure if you decided to watch it. The more of your posts I read, the more you remind me of the main character.

    Gerard

    • 2:03 am

      Nice to hear from you Gerard,

      I’d be happy to have you work for me, son, but you’re off to school in a few weeks and I wouldn’t feel right about screaming orders at you anyway.

      Have to admit that I still haven’t seen the movie. It’s on my list of things to do but I haven’t gotten around to it yet. I don’t watch a lot of films but I do hope to get to it soon.

      All the best,

      Don

  20. Jacob permalink
    6:34 pm

    Good post Don!

    If only a kind old man such as yourself would post such a job in my neighbourhood!

    Although I’m busy with my own job, I have many friends who weren’t so lucky as to get back-breaking, minimum wage labour such as mine. I feel you could aptly fill the void in their lives. (For the record, I lay brick driveways from 8 – 4, five days a week.) Granted, in Canada, minimum wage is around $9.50 an hour. Don’t you love the liberals? Maybe that’s why most businesses in the area are laying off their employees.

    Here’s to hoping you find a suitable applicant.

    Kind regards,

    Jacob.

    • 2:09 am

      Many thanks Jacob,

      I’m all about filling voids so if any of those unfortunate friends of yours are interested in work please send them my way (provided they meet the criteria, naturally).

      You’ll want to disabuse them of this $9.50 an hour nonsense though. After deductions and charge backs (for any water they drink from my garden hose) I suspect they’ll be taking that home on a daily – not hourly – basis.

      Brick driveways? Heavy work for sure and seasonal employment too I would guess. What do you do in the winter?

      Good to see you lad. Tell your friends they can drop their resumes off here.

      Best regards,

      Don

      • Jacob permalink
        3:47 pm

        Don,

        As much as I’d love to subject my friends to your just wrath, I’m afraid the States are a tad too far for them to travel each day.

        And indeed it is seasonal work. I finish in September and then it’s back to being a full-time undergrad student at the University of Waterloo.

        Always a pleasure,

        Jacob

        • 7:29 pm

          Good man, Jacob.

          I trust your studies are progressing well. What’s you area of study?

          Not metallurgy by any chance?

          Don

  21. sensico permalink
    8:47 pm

    I would do the job, I QUALIFY!! But, the pay isn’t worth it and I’m not a that young. Old people still think 25 cents is a lot because back in your day, you could buy a washer with 25 cents, so I KNOW “little pay” probably means a few pennies or something.

    • 2:19 am

      Many thanks Sensico. Always nice to have you stop in.

      How can you say the pay isn’t worth it when you don’t even know what it is? I wouldn’t dare insult you with mere pennies and am open to negotition on a decent wage.

      Plus, there are fringe benefits. You’d get to spend time with me, hear more of my amusing life stories and I’d probably even make your lunch.

      So, let’s negotiate.

      Here’s my opening offer:

      $2.25 an hour
      Unlimited access to the tales of my youth, the Nixon administration and the good old days
      A daily egg salad sandwich (on rye)
      1 ten minute break daily
      A letter of reference
      $10 bonus for every bat removed from my attic.

      What do you say, lass? Counter offer or will you just accept outright?

      All the best.

      Don

      • sensico permalink
        4:28 am

        hm…I really need a letter of reference, and I really like egg salad….put it on wheat bread and you can count me in!

        • 3:44 pm

          Interesting counter offer, Sensico. I’d expected you to ask for more money, not a different type of bread. Well played – I hadn’t considered that.

          I can’t meet your outrageous demand for wheat bread. I am prepared, however, to increase the hourly wage to $2.45 an hour and consider a pita.
          You’ll have to forgo the 10 minute break however.

          Back to you.

          Don

        • sensico permalink
          4:25 pm

          fine, I’ll take it with pita bread, pita is good too and $2.45. I forgo the 10 minute break. I’ll use those 10 minutes to annoy you with dozens of questions instead🙂

  22. 10:53 pm

    Gee Don, even the felons picking up garbage along the freeway have access to toilet facilities. The porta-potty gets hauled along behind the prison van on a trailer. I think you might want to lighten up on that requirement. You could always make them clean the facilities if they leave them in conditions that are less than pristine, you know.

    I imagine you wouldn’t hire me even though I know how to move rocks, bust stumps, clean gutters and chimneys, and am generally respectful to my elders. I have no experience with metallurgy, but I do know how to use a scythe although I don’t own one. I do have a machete, however.

    The problem is I have a tattoo. It’s a very nice dragon around my ankle, I could wear socks so you wouldn’t see it. I didn’t get it when I was young, I got it when I was 42. Oh hell, I guess that is young in some circles. Maybe it would be okay, my husband was born in the year of the Dragon and I got the tattoo to sort of symbolize my relationship with him since I don’t seem to be able to wear rings — they interfere in my work and also I get tendonitis from where they irritate my digital tendon.

    I like the idea of the 500 word essay, Don. That’s probably why you haven’t heard from anybody — young people today can’t write 500 words on anything. After all, they are limited to 140 characters on twitter and their cell phones limit how long their messages can be as well. Probably stringing 500 words together on any subject would be beyond them. They probably weren’t able to read past the second sentence anyway.

    Good luck finding your yard worker. Don’t forget, girls can haul rocks too.

    • 3:51 pm

      Many thanks healingmagichands,

      It sounds like you’re well qualified for the job. I like a woman who owns a machete – my old mom kept one under the kitchen sink.

      I suppose we could overlook the tattoo. It has some meaning and isn’t on your face (both of which are important considerations when determining whether someone is just “tattoed” or a “tattoed freak.”)

      And I’m well aware that the gals can shift rocks and bust stumps too. The thong requirement was really directed at them (though, trust me, it applies to everyone).

      All the best,

      Don

      • 1:28 pm

        I have never understood the appeal of butt floss on any gender. I don’t think it is attractive and I’m positive it can’t be comfortable. Let’s not even think about the possible health effects.

        • 8:52 pm

          Take it from someone whose perfectly sane cotton hi-cuts go up her crack when she speedwalks, no matter what brand she buys. In hot weather, unless you pee and shower right quick after undressing, you get bladder infections.

  23. 2:09 am

    Our local want ads post a similar, but smaller version of yours. It simply reads: Must pass drug test.

    You could have saved yourself all that unnecessary writing to achieve the same cricket chirp response.

    –Tricia

    • 3:53 pm

      Thanks Tricia,

      Well said. And, I suspect, damned true. Clearly, I need a straight thinking editor.

      Many thanks.

      Don

  24. downcastmysoul permalink
    2:40 am

    Don,

    The cartoon is diabolical! Whew! Hope that didn’t go up with the ad.

    When I first saw the requirement of “metallurgy” I thought of alchemy. Were you thinking of a sorcerer’s apprentice? Then I saw the the suggested scythe and thought maybe he wanted the Angel of Death or an old commie. HMMMMM.

    Gotta let em use the bathroom though. They keep drinking those “energy drinks” all the time and produce lots of urine.

    Good luck on the essay part. Even in my day kids were using college as a 2 year remedial crash course before they were able to read, write, or study properly.

    • 4:00 pm

      My goodness downcastmysoul,

      Diabolical? I’d say it’s “forceful.” I’m getting damned t-shirts and ball caps made. I only wish I’d had it to put up with the ad. I’m sure it would have generated a lot of calls.

      And no, I wasn’t looking for a sorcerer’s apprentice, the angel of death or an old commie (coincidentally, there is a great joke that opens with the three of them going into an old west Saloon) although at this point, I’d certainly consider giving them an interview.

      Thanks for visiting.

      Don

      • Rick the Curmudgeon permalink
        4:20 pm

        Don, when you get the T-shirts printed, I will order one.

        Great stuff!

        Your mother kept a machete under the kitchen sink? I’m willing to bet that your town didn’t suffer from an issue with the homeless or the chronic alcoholics that were so rampant during the years of the dust bowl and the depression, did it? Between the melon baller and the machete, I bet your town was pretty cleaned up, and the church always had pork chops to give to the needy.

        Oy! The thought of the woman frightens me!

        Glad you survived your childhood, Don. Very glad, indeed.

  25. 8:51 am

    I can’t believe you didn’t get any legitimate responses to your ad. I’m qualified, but you can’t afford me and I have a tendency to be cheeky anyway so I think that disqualifies me.

    I can send one of the boys over. They may be able to use the time to knock off their community service.

    Speaking of community service, Bearman did a fantastic job with his public service announcement. You’ve been cartoonalized, Don!

    • 4:23 pm

      Many thanks Claire,

      I suspect you made a good call there. I don’t tolerate cheeky behaviour well (especially high priced cheekiness). Please, feel free to send any one of the boys over.

      If busting my stumps can help them fulfil their community service requirements, all the better.

      Lovely to see you Claire. Yorks sends his best.

      Don

  26. Ravikant permalink
    2:18 pm

    Hello Mr. Mills. The ‘long hours and little pay’ part is err..the problem. I guess that may be one of the main reasons why you didn’t get legit response. Rest everything is alright…atleast for me, rest all is ok. Atleast I’d like to get paid properly, the long hours don’t matter lol.

    • 4:27 pm

      Many thanks Ravikant,

      Interesting to hear the different “barriers” that people have identified. In retrospect, I likely should have either identified a specific wage or just not mentioned it at all.

      Live and learn, I suppose.

      Good to see you Ravikant. Thanks for stopping in.

      All the best,

      Don

  27. Lynn permalink
    7:05 pm

    good post…(again) youre a tough act to follow mr. mills! i can’t imagine why you didn’t get more replies to your ad…very funny..oh yes good post!

    oh! on another note, can you tell me how you added that image to your sidebar? been having some trouble finding that info. your experience would be especially helpful even to a tart like me.

    • Lynn permalink
      7:12 pm

      nevermind, i just figured it out. it just came to me how to do that.

    • 2:49 pm

      Many thanks Lynn,

      Always nice to hear from you. And I’m glad you found the answer to your question. I admit to having needed some help with this as well.

      All the best,

      Don

      p.s. bearman – I think the answer is quite obvious. Clearly, Lynn is a woman of refinement and considerable taste.

      I just hope that the picture doesn’t end up posted on some of the more questionable web sites out there. I’d hate to have my image (and your work) displayed as senior citizien “eye candy.”

  28. 7:18 pm

    This ad is hilarious. I love the part about not allowing ‘aspiring rappers’ Great touch!

    • 2:56 pm

      Many thanks Shocker and welcome.

      Hope to hear from you again.

      All the best.

      Don

      p.s. I see you’re in the t-shirt business. We should chat, lad. I have some slogans you might be interested in.

  29. 2:29 am

    Holy crap, this is hilarious! It really shouldn’t be, as I fit into that “don’t bother calling if . . . ” list, but I couldn’t help chuckling to myself.

    Too bad my Grandpa isn’t this funny.

    Tubbo

    • 2:58 pm

      Many thanks Tubbo,

      Shame Dubba Tubba wasn’t able to stop in too but, regardless, welcome and thanks for visiting.

      Sorry to hear you didn’t qualify for the job but I’m sure there is still time to change your ways. My advice is to call your humorless grandpa. He may not be much on the jokes but I’d wager he could teach you a thing or two about decency.

      All the best. Hope to hear from you again.

      Don

      • 9:44 pm

        Mr Mills

        While Grandparents are a sure fountain of wisdom..why is it that YOU think they are the only bogarting the info….I swear you were never young….zman as always

  30. 8:31 am

    Goddamn it, I was about to apply when I noticed you don’t want no stinkin’ commies. (But I have my own scythe! Still no? Oh, okay.)

  31. 11:39 am

    LOSTL! Oh Mr Mills!

    I would totally be your helper, just like i am with mum! and only as long as it didnt get in the way of my classes and helping mum with her chores which are similar to yours! Maybe i could do both at the same time! What a time saver!

    Maybe Gaylord was the lord of happiness? I know that id be busy too if i were the lord of happiness. But then again, he shouldnt have applied along with mr chronic.

    oh wells.

    Keep at it Mr Mills! you can always hire from universities. I hear the people there ALWAYS like to lend a helping hand!

    Bob

  32. zeusiswatching permalink
    3:49 am

    Someone had a local kid call me up about cutting my lawn. He called, gave me a very reasonable price (should have been a warning sign right there), and then twice blew promises to come over. Needless to say, this was probably his first lesson about getting fired, but I doubt it will be his last.

    I have another guy take care of yard work for me. He is someone much older and actually thinks money is earned rather than sent down by God to his parents to give to him to buy i pod accessories.

  33. YellowRoses610 permalink
    8:12 pm

    I might be willing to work for you, but I fear you might find me too odd.

    Rose.

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