Affronts to Old People #4: Irresponsible and Ludicrous First Names
One thing that really grinds an old folk’s gears is this damned stupid habit that young people have adopted of giving their children flashy and irresponsible first names.
When I was a lad there 7 choices for boys names and 9 for girls. Naming a child was a simple affair. When you popped out of the womb and were taken to your old dad, he’d take a deep puff on his cigar, give you a good stare and say “Looks like a Dick to me.”
And, bingo, you had your name. It may not have been “original” but if nothing else you knew that there would be 10 other Dicks just like you on your street.
But today, my God! Everyone names their nasty sprogs after perfumes and automobiles and months of the year. The parks are overflowing with snot-faced urchins running around with droopy diapers and million dollar handles like “December”, “Chanel”, “Mercedes” or worse.
Now it could just be me but it strikes me as cruel to name a kid “Mercedes” when they’re obviously destined for a “Pinto” life. Do the kid a favour and name it “Bus Pass.” At least that way when it gets older it won’t feel badly for not having lived up to the god damned hype of its name. But what the Hell, I suppose it’s better than “Escort.”
And Chanel? Why not just buy the lass a stripper pole now? She’s likely going to end up on one anyway with a name like that.
And for the life of me, I’ll never understand naming your child after a god damned city. What in the Hell are people thinking calling their children “Phoenix”, “Boston” or “London?” It takes a nervy dad to name his child after a place that 6 million men with crooked teeth call home.
At least most of the damned kids these days are born out of wedlock and aren’t forced to endure those mangled hyphenated surnames as well. Hattie introduced me to co-worker of hers named “Alexis Frankel-Driver.” Sounds like the name of a god damned insurance company not something you’d find on the birth certificate a decent, law-abiding young lady.
Hyphenated names do nothing but lead to confusion and lengthy delays in signing cheques and other legal documents. And if it keeps up we will be hyphenating hyphens. I can barely lift my phone book as it is and don’t need another god damned million names littering its pages thank you very much.
I think it’s time for all you damned young people to give your heads a shake and realize that children need simple, unassuming names if you expect them to lead simple, unassuming lives. Anything more than two syllables is pretentious, unnecessary and a waste of vowels.
So next time one of you damned young people up and procreates, do the world a favour and give that baby a decent, sensible and responsible name. Something like “Donald.”
It has a Hell of a ring to it.