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Affronts to Old People #4: Irresponsible and Ludicrous First Names

One thing that really grinds an old folk’s gears is this damned stupid habit that young people have adopted of giving their children flashy and irresponsible first names.

When I was a lad there 7 choices for boys names and 9 for girls. Naming a child was a simple affair. When you popped out of the womb and were taken to your old dad, he’d take a deep puff on his cigar, give you a good stare and say “Looks like a Dick to me.”

And, bingo, you had your name. It may not have been “original” but if nothing else you knew that there would be 10 other Dicks just like you on your street.

But today, my God! Everyone names their nasty sprogs after perfumes and automobiles and months of the year. The parks are overflowing with snot-faced urchins running around with droopy diapers and million dollar handles like “December”, “Chanel”, “Mercedes” or worse.

Now it could just be me but it strikes me as cruel to name a kid “Mercedes” when they’re obviously destined for a “Pinto” life. Do the kid a favour and name it “Bus Pass.” At least that way when it gets older it won’t feel badly for not having lived up to the god damned hype of its name. But what the Hell, I suppose it’s better than “Escort.”

And Chanel? Why not just buy the lass a stripper pole now? She’s likely going to end up on one anyway with a name like that.

And for the life of me, I’ll never understand naming your child after a god damned city. What in the Hell are people thinking calling their children “Phoenix”, “Boston” or “London?” It takes a nervy dad to name his child after a place that 6 million men with crooked teeth call home.

At least most of the damned kids these days are born out of wedlock and aren’t forced to endure those mangled hyphenated surnames as well. Hattie introduced me to co-worker of hers named “Alexis Frankel-Driver.” Sounds like the name of a god damned insurance company not something you’d find on the birth certificate a decent, law-abiding young lady.

Hyphenated names do nothing but lead to confusion and lengthy delays in signing cheques and other legal documents. And if it keeps up we will be hyphenating hyphens. I can barely lift my phone book as it is and don’t need another god damned million names littering its pages thank you very much.

I think it’s time for all you damned young people to give your heads a shake and realize that children need simple, unassuming names if you expect them to lead simple, unassuming lives. Anything more than two syllables is pretentious, unnecessary and a waste of vowels.

So next time one of you damned young people up and procreates, do the world a favour and give that baby a decent, sensible and responsible name. Something like “Donald.”

It has a Hell of a ring to it.

134 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:46 am

    Maybe they are naming the kids after the city in which they were made…hence “Cleveland”

    It may also explain the name “Pinto.”

    If there is a kid named “Buffalo Chevette”…there is a kid destined for greatness.

    • 2:04 pm

      Many thanks morethananelectrician,

      And sorry for the lengthy delay in responding. It appears I have a minor infestation of bats in my attic and I’ve spent the better part of the last two nights running around my house in a nightshirt with a niblick in one hand and a fishing net in the the other.

      I’ve caught one of the little bastards but the I suspect there are several others still at large.

      Anyway, all that to explain why I haven’t been able to tend to my comments and why I may be prone to crankiness today.

      I hadn’t considered that the damned young people might be naming their offspring after the place they conceived it and don’t know if that’s the case. If it were, I expect I would have run into at least a dozen kids with the name “behind the dumpter at the Big Boy”.

      Thanks for visiting more than an electrician. You ever come across bats while running wire?

      All the best,


      • 2:38 pm

        Many here would accuse you of having bats in your belfrey…and you might have a tough time defending those charges.

        My attic time is limited anymore, but I have had a number of squirrel skirmishes in my day…who would’ve known those little buggers were so tough…

        • 3:34 pm

          I thought I might get a “bats in the belfry” comment or two.

          I don’t care for squirrels either. Damned rats with furry tails as far as I’m concerned.


  2. 12:58 am

    Hey there, Donnie boy, my first car was a Pinto and I take offense to you knocking it in comparison to a Mercedes. That hatchback was WAY better than any German squared off crate made back in the late 70’s.

    • 2:11 pm

      Many thanks Yorksnbeans,

      Personally, while I prefer the Buick LeSabre, I have nothing against FORD products and have always owned American cars.

      So, trust me, I’m not knocking the Pinto. It was a fine, sensible car. And Mercedes look flashy and overpriced to me. And that’s exactly how I would feel about a name like “Rose” compared to a stupid one like “Alibi.” And, yes, I knew a woman who named her daughter alibi. She was a damned idiot and likely still is.

      All the best,


      • 12:01 pm

        Actually, I’m pretty sure Mercedes is a real name. The girl in Dumas’s The Count of Monte Cristo was named Mercedes, if I remember right.

  3. 1:32 am


    Your name fits you ..its dry and ordinairy. I might a agree that some names like Shanique and Shaquille and Shanice are over the top. And yes names like Paris, Parnell and Farooq seem to be out there. Even you have to admit names like Opal, Mae and Beatrice are out dated and have given way to Sophia, Kennedy and Anna Bell. Our name defines who we are and gives us a sense of being different. Like Lily….so step away from the computer DONALD oh excuse me Mr Mills…whats wrong with people having children and not being married. 63% of all couples that marry divorce…so if they are happy having kids and not being married then let it be….you are too old fashion ..dont you have some metamucil to take. Well back to my new Batman issue that came out…zman sends with a smile…

    • 2:27 pm

      Jesus Zman,

      You’re all over the damned map on this comment.

      First off, of course my name is dry and ordinary. All names should be dry and ordinary. You’re completely wrong on this notion that our names should “define us and give us a sense of being different.” It’s our damned actions that should define us and set us apart from one another.

      Next – Beatrice is a lovely name. I made a slight mistake in my post when I said that names should be no more than two syllables. While that’s true for the boys, the girls get an extra one and sometimes two. I hate the damned name Kennedy.

      Next – What’s wrong with having children out of wedlock? I don’t think it’s the best way to approach parenting, Zman, but quite honestly I’m not going to lose any damned sleep if some couple decide not to tie the knot. That’s their damned business. All I want is them to give their damned child a decent name and keep it the Hell off my lawn and out of my sight. And spending a little time parenting would be nice too.

      As for divorce. It’s too damned easy. People are lazy and don’t respect marriage. That’s all I have to say about that.

      And yes, I do have some metamucil to take but I don’t see what the Hell that has to do with anything.

      And finally, enjoy your batman. Bats seems to be cropping up everywhere today.

      All the best,


  4. magickfaerie permalink
    2:10 am

    I already have my children planned and named. I will live the American dream with 2 kids and a dog (or probably several dogs.) My daughter will be named Olivia and my son will be named James. James was my grandfathers name, the one I’ve told you about.

    Luckily, we all have normal names in my family. Nothing to crazy, though I have a nephew named Carter. I don’t think I’ve ever met a Mercedes or a Chanel.

    • 2:30 pm

      Many thanks Jenny,

      Damned fine names. I especially like “James.” It is a good solid name and very nice that you are planning to use it in honor of your grandfather.

      Thanks for visiting.


  5. 2:37 am


    The other day my ex-wife Alice asked me to took my 15 year old son to get his ID Card. When the notary, Mr. Pinto [Dick], asked him to sign the form, that brat added a number 10 after his last name. When asked what was that, he said it was his favorite soccer jersey number. He had to sign it again. Now, I wonder if this kid has been using any instant messenger program to be in touch with assclown Cody. If it happens to be true, I will change his name from Arthur to Broken Condom.

    Ivan [which means John], son of Aurelio [we call him The Admiral cause he was in the navy for 35 years] and Dilva [we call her shorty, cause God made her this way].

    Besides fathering Arthur, Ivan is also father of Diego [James], Ana [Anna] and Juliana [the hot one], she asked me to add.

    • 2:35 pm

      Many thanks Ivan,

      An interesting story. I didn’t know that Ivan meant “John.” I’ve always liked the name, John. It’s a little flashier than Don but not as over-the-top and “Ron.”

      Sounds like that boy of yours is quite a handful. Hard to believe he has gone and ruined a perfectly good name like Arthur by slapping a number of the back.

      I’d consider keeping an eye on that boy, Ivan. And if he is in touch with my neighbour, Cody, you best take an axe to that boy’s computer right away.

      All the best. Nice to see you have a big family. Hope that they are all healthy and well.

      Best regards,


  6. Debbi permalink
    2:47 am

    I suspect this whole problem of being named after cities started with Carmen San Diego. What in the world was up with that name?

    • 3:38 pm

      Nice to see you Debbi,

      Carmen San Diego? Sounds like a dancer I met at the 1964 republican convention. Nice gal but she was a George Romney supporter and, I suspect, lead a bit of a wild life.

      Thanks for visiting.

      Best regards,


  7. 3:34 am

    This name business has been goiung on fro a long time. My twin Uncles were named “Orval Roy” and “Ival Roy”(?), my dads middle name was “Arden,” another uncle was “Berrtie Frandlin.” I am quessing that either my Grandmother was runnibg out of names (13 kids) or that should should have stayed off of the bottle.

    • 3:44 pm

      Jesus Bill that is quite the collection of oddball names.

      And unless your uncles were siamese twins (they weren’t were they?) I’d say Orval Roy and Ival Roy were damned poor choices for names. No offence meant lad.

      I will say this though – if your poor old grandmother had 13 kids to contend with I certainly wouldn’t deny her the occassional drink. She likely damned well needed and deserved it.

      All the best, son.


  8. Lily permalink
    4:01 am

    Dear Donald,

    I was named “Lily Fossil” by my parents (Father was a Geologist, Mother, a Paleontologist) and thankfully not Crinoid Ordovician Scyphocrinus, which was the original specimen label they had attached to me.

    Eternally grateful,

    Lily Fossil

    • 3:52 pm

      Many thanks Lily,

      Always lovely to hear from you. I’m grateful as well that your parents came to their senses and decide on “Lily” over “Crinoid Ordovician Scyphocrinus.” Lily, Rose and Iris have always been among my favorites.

      I suspect that your parents may have been conducting field work at the time of their original selection and perhaps had been exposed to a tad too much sun.

      Regardless, It sounds as though your parents had interesting careers. I imagine there was some lively dinner table conversation at your house.

      All the best,


  9. 4:35 am

    let’s not forget that, when considering the name of your child, you should take your last name into consideration. for example, if your last name is lipshitz, i suggest not naming your child anything exotic. the simpler the better. naming your daughter charisma is not going to make lipshitz sound any better. should andy dick ever have a daughter, naming her ophelia would lead to a lifetime of heartache. if your last name is passwater, don’t name your son dick, unless you plan on him being a urologist.

    • 3:57 pm

      Hello Nonnie,

      You raise an excellent point. My brother York used to know a lad named Christopher Peacock. Not the worlds nicest name, I’m sure you’ll agree but even worse when you consider how it sounds when the lads would shorten his first name.

      Chris Peacock. Say it fast and it sounds like a nudest with a sunburn.

      Best regards,


  10. David permalink
    5:05 am

    Personally, I resent being named David. Every Tom, Dick, and Harry is named David.

    • 4:01 pm

      Thank you David and welcome.

      You make a good point, son, but David is a fine name and there is no value in carrying resentment. It’s never bothered me that every Tom, Dick and Harry is also named Don.

      Thanks for visiting. Hope to see you again.


  11. Hydrangea permalink
    6:30 am

    I think it apropos to comment that I am neither a florist nor a botanist.

    That said, while I don’t mind my name, it could be a bit easier if it were, say, Rose or Flora.

    Then again, this one gives me particular credibility when I sing, Am I blue?

    Hydrangea Bloom

    • 4:05 pm

      Hello Hydrangea,

      Show folk have always been partial to the flashy names. I suppose it has something to do with the damned creativity they can’t seem to keep in check.

      All the best and thanks for visiting with me.


  12. 9:16 am

    I once had the misfortune to find myself close to some self-righteous, pompous buffoon, who had saddled her young girl with the name ‘Solitaire’.

    As she was shouting for ‘Solitaire’ to ‘stay near Mummy’, all I could think of was; if she wanted to name the damn sprog after a game, what the hell was wrong with ‘Kerplunk’ or ‘Buckaroo’.

    • 4:08 pm

      Many thanks Nobbly.

      Now that I think on it, there are some other games that might have been good choices too:

      “Trivial Pursuit”


      “Old Maid”

      But, I think that Kerplunk is likely the name of choice.

      Thanks for visiting Nobbly. Always good to hear from you. Hope you’re keeping well.


    • 1:30 am

      nobbly sam,
      i was in the grocery store, and a boy of about 10 was acting up a bit. his parents scolded the kid, calling out his name serpico! that was probably about 15 years ago. i guess the parents were al pacino fans. too bad they didn’t like the godfather more. then the kid would have had a normal name, michael.

  13. 9:34 am

    LOSTL! Oh Mr Mills, you’re so funny! I quite like my name Robert. I was named after my father and his father before him. So im the Third Robert Trusty! HOORAY!

    I like names. they’re so wonderful and diverse, but as you said, people are giving names to their children that are strange and odd. The thing is, ive noticed that people who have certain names act the same way. So all the “mercedes” tend to act the same!

    Oh wells. I hope you’re having a lovely weekend and had a great week!


    • 4:15 pm

      Hello young Bob.

      Always nice to hear from you lad. Robert is an excellent name and, I think, suits you well. I was named after my father was well. For the longest time he was known as “Big Don” and I was called “Big Don’s son.” For some reason, it never seemed to occur to anyone to call me “Little Don.”

      Life is full of mysteries, Bob.

      Now, back to your comment. Normally I like it when people all act the same (providing they are all acting decently) but it does trouble me if young people with flashy and silly names are acting out because they feel they need to live up to their ignorant handles.

      Just another reason for someone to make it damned illegal to be an idiot.

      All the best,


      • 11:42 am

        Thats true about lifes mysteries. But i dont really see you as a Little Don. I can definitely see you as a Big Dons Son. It means that you’re a big don as well!

        LOSTL! If only someone would make it illegal to be an idiot. I would get so much acting work!


  14. 12:19 pm

    When young I knew an older lad called Anthony R (can’t quite recall if Roy or Robert).


    But his surname was Soles.

    Thus his name read A R Soles.

    Honestly, this is not made up!

  15. 1:38 pm

    I think I got my name b/c my mother liked to spend “quality” time with wild animals.

    Don, just to let you know I dumped that miscreant Ram from my blog roll and put you in his place. I appreciate your harsh, constructive criticism of my work and hope you will continue ot visit and offer more.

    • 4:30 pm

      Many thanks Bearman,

      I suppose you should be greatful. It would have been a hell of a lot worse if you she had stuck you with “Capuchin Monkey Boy,” “Spiny Lobster Man” or “Flying Squirrel Fella.”

      And I’ll be happy to help you out with this cartooning business of yours. In fact, Capuchin Monkey Boy might make a half-way decent superhero. A young lad works in his dad’s labratory to make extra pocket money and accidenty drinks an experimental and toxic capuchian monkey vitamin drink and becomes a mutant half lad-half monkey superhero with a tendancy toward flinging feces at bank robbers.

      And that’s just off the top of my head after chasing bats around my house all night.

      I’ll see sure to visit often, Bearman


  16. Friar permalink
    3:23 pm


    And what about all those names that end with an “i” that aren’t supposed to?

    “Sandi” vs. “Sandy”. “Tammi” vs. “Tammy” “Sherri” versus “Sherry”.

    It’s a little-known fact, that as soon as you do that, the poor child’s IQ drops 20 points. And then it gets even worse, when as teenagers, they learn to sigh their name by dotting the “i” with a happy face.

    It almost borders on child abuse.

    Poor Sandi, Tammi, or Sherri.

    Sorry kids, thanks to your parents’, you can forget about going to MIT or Harvard.

    But I’m sure you’ll be a bit hit at Spring Break.

    • 4:41 pm

      Always good to hear from you Friar.

      The use of the letter “I” to end these names is alarming and I’m quite sure you are right about it immediately lowering the I.Q.

      I think you’re not far off on the child abuse notion either. It certainly not going to make their lives any easier.

      “Nice to meet you. Me? My name is Sherry. Not with a “y”, though, my parents chose the Stripper spelling.”

      All the best, lad.


      • Stephanye permalink
        5:52 am

        As I’m reading, I can’t help but wonder if it works the other way. You see, my name SHOULD have been spelled as “Stephanie”, but my parents decided they had something against the letter i and spelled it “Stephanye”. My middle name is similarly mispelled as “Allyson”.

        And, though I’m still technically one of those goddamned teens for another few months, I’d like to think that I’ve got a decent head on my shoulders and break the mold a little. There are a few decent young ‘uns left, Mr. Mills!

  17. 3:45 pm

    When I was a kid, Lilian was an old fashioned name that didn’t even rate in the top 1000. But now it’s come back into fashion and it’s in the top 50, Lily is in the top 25. And Mercedes was a perfectly good name–it’s the name of one of the major characters in the Count of Monte Cristo–until the car company stole it.

    • 4:45 pm

      Many thanks Lilian.

      I’m encouraged to see the name Lily coming back into fashion. A fine name and one of my favorite flowers. I have some purple stargazers in bloom at the moment that are quite handsome.

      And as for Mercedes, I wasn’t aware of the book reference but that doesn’t change my mind. I’m assuming 99.5 per cent of the people naming their kids Mercedes aren’t thinking of The Count of Monte Cristo.

      Plus, I would suggest that if people want to name their child after a character in a book, they pick up a Zane Gray novel. Lots of damned fine names in those.

      All the best,


  18. 3:59 pm

    I think naming your kid where they were conceived is kind of cool. That’s why my first born was named “Vagina”. Of course, by the time our second child arrived we had to think a little harder. I didn’t want to use a slang name that sounded dated like “hoo-hoo” or “vajay-jay”. So, in the interest of keeping it formal, he was named “Penis Receptacle”. I am not a big fan of 2 names but what could I do? I tried “Cavern” but my wife wouldn’t agree to it.

    • 4:11 pm

      I think that multiple names convey a sense of upper middle class respectability; hence my kids are called Park Bench and Sierrs Back Seat.

    • 8:29 pm

      Mr. Leah,

      Very nice of you to stop in for a visit. I’m still trying to determine whether those names of yours would be more unfortunate if given to a boy or girl. It’s a tough call.

      I would appear that today’s modern parents just leave psychological scars.

      All the best


  19. YellowRoses610 permalink
    4:22 pm

    Dear Mister Mills,

    I must disagree with you on part of this post, Mercedes was a woman’s name before cars were even invented, in fact the main love interest in Alexandre Dumas “Count of Monte Cristo” Or if you are more familiar with the original French title “Le comfte de Monte Cristo.”, Is named Mercedes. It is an Italian name which is why you might not be familiar with it, or maybe it is French, one of those. Personally I like ring of names like December or October, but then again I’m a writer so I often pick odd names that fit my character’s personality, which does not work so well with a Baby. But yeah, naming some one after perfume is stupid. At least we can agree on that. Oh and Paris was a name before it was a city, one of the characters in Homers, “”The Iliad” was named Paris, a long time before the French language as we know it now existed.

    Also San Diego makes some since, because it is often traditional with Hispanic familes, and many Catholic families to name their child after a Saint, and San means saint, or Holy and Spanish.

    And people changing the spellings of names for no reason pisses me off, spellings already difficult enough, Tammi!

    Sincerely, Rose.

    • Lily permalink
      10:15 pm

      Dear Rose,

      The feminine proper name, Mercedes, is from Spanish, abbreviation of Maria de las Mercedes “Mary of the Mercies,” from pl. of merced “mercy, grace,” from Latin mercedem.

      Lily Fossil

    • 8:41 pm

      Hello Rose,

      Thanks for the comment. A couple of people have pointed out the Count of Monte Cristo reference but I stand by my views.

      Mercedes is a damned stupid name. And just because some Frenchman used it in a book doesn’t mean it’s any less stupid. I can guarantee you that when some damned young person is choosing a name for their kid and trying to decide between Dresden, Mercedes or Porsche, they aren’t considering paying any kind of homage to some long-dead Frenchie.

      And it is the same with Paris. No one is citing Homer. I’d wager that most all of the Paris’ born in the past 10 years have been named in honor of that nit-wit blonde with the sex tapes and the stupid dog. I’d be delighted if I were wrong. But I’m not.

      Nice to see you and thanks for the information. What is it you write? I’d be interested to know.



      • strider permalink
        12:55 pm

        An older relative whose name is Mercedes claimed it was a Catholic name, meaning “Mercy” (Santa Maria de las Mercedes — Our lady of mercy). This would predate the book. I never thought of the Count of Monte Cristo when I read your mention of it.

        I have to agree with you, however, on the recent trend to name kids after other cars, though: I don’t think Lexus comes from any tradition not started by a car company. Nor does Porsche.

        We also have to respect other cultures. In some cases, they do it better than us. In some countries, they seem to be down to one name. Like “Nguyen” or “Singh”. Nice. Clean. One syllable. In one class I attended, there were three unrelated people named “Paramdeep”. Two of them were ladies, and one was a guy. I would guess there won’t be many Porsches or Pintos coming out of those folks.

        Love your blog.

  20. YellowRoses610 permalink
    4:28 pm


  21. 4:41 pm


    Your ass-grinds are something we can all get behind.

    And like I always say, it’s a world-wide problem. Though I haven’t been there myself, I heard from a friend of mine that there is some country overseas–it’s called Middle-Earth, I think–and if you heard all the crazy names the parents over there have for their children, well it would be enough to make your dementia-prone head spin.

    For example, they call them ridiculous things like Frodo, Legolas, Pippen…hell, I heard there’s even one guy who answers to Gollum. Like seriously, wtf is Gollum?? (btw, the “f” in my wtf bombs always stand for “frig”).

    I’m not sure if these parents were hippies, or into dungeons and dragons (sadly I don’t know enough about either leisurely pursuit to make a definite assumption), but either way, it’s just not right. And you know as well as I do that when this “Gollum” character decides to get married and have kids of it’s own, those rugrats are going to be given some nonsensical name as well.

    Regardless, Don, even though I hope for many things in life, my biggest hope (besides finding a low-carb beer that doesn’t taste like total ass), is that kids these days will one day break free from their ridiculous ideologies and bask in the golden shower of your wisdom.

    Forever bearing your cross,


    • 8:49 pm

      Many thanks Bschooled.

      I may be old but I’m not totally daft. I may not have read any Homer or Dumas but I sure as Hell know that you’ll never find a low-carb beer that doesn’t taste like crap. Can’t be done. Not now not ever.

      All the best,


      p.s. I believe the place you’re referring to is actually part of checkoslovakia.

  22. 5:00 pm

    Mr. Mills,

    My dad told me you are a nice man and I should read your blog. As soon as I get finished with my book on Pele, read the Placar Magazine website and beat my buddy Cody8 in the WinEleven online championship, I’ll explore your texts. Dad told me you say nice things about us kids. By the way, could you return the balls that Cody kicked over your fence? He is like a soul brother to me and teaches me a lot of nice things. I kinda like his sister Chanel, you know. When I grow up and sign with the Manchester United I will take Chanel to Italy and propose her in the Eiffel Tower. You see, Cody taught me that Eiffel Tower stays in Rome in a district call Paris.


    • 8:58 pm

      Good God…Arthur10?

      You Ivan’s lad? Nice to meet you lad.

      I have to say Arthur10, I’m concerned on a number of levels.

      First off, Cody gave up the right to have balls of his own when he continued living in is parents house after the age of 20. Fact.

      Second, Cody doesn’t have any damned sister. I believe he has a female turtle named “Angelina” and a blow up girlfriend but those are the only two women in his life (beyond his idiot mother.)

      Third, Cody is a liar (see above) and an idiot (see below).

      Now, be a good lad, respect your fine father and stay the Hell away from my moron neighbour, Cody.

      All the best lad,

      p.s. Emita minhas considerações a seu pai. He’ homem sábio do S.A. Você deve escutar-lhe.

      • 10:10 pm

        Valeu! Eu vou enfiar porrada naquele filho da puta mentiroso!

        • 3:41 pm

          Don, I apologize for Arthur’s cursing. He was so mad at Cody that he forgot to login on his own email account. The kid went on a rampage since he found out all about Cody’s evil ruses. If I was not a man in love with the truth I would say you were very tactless to tell the lad the whole naked truth about Cody. But I’m glad you did.

          Arthur is okay with cutting off Cody out of his contact. And so are you and me, right?! The main problem is: Who’s is this girl in the picture Cody showed to Arthur saying that was his sister? If you know anything about her, let me know! The kid is brokenhearted!

  23. Mystsong permalink
    5:24 pm

    Mercedes was actually a name before it was a car company.

    Personally, I dislike having a very common name in real life. It has lead to much confusion when sharing classes with other girls who have the same name. And I feel that it cheapens my identity.

    If I ever have children, I intend to give them beautiful, unusual names.

    • 2:43 am

      Way to go, Mercedes!!!

    • 9:02 pm

      Thank you Mystsong,

      Confusion? For you perhaps but for the teachers it’s a blessing. 12 Kates, 5 Julies and 7 Marys. They can damn well memorize the names of every kid in class in 5 minutes and spend more time educating.

      It’ efficient.

      And, I respect your right to name your kids whatever you want but giving everyone unique and special names gets them to thinking that they are unique and special people. To me, that’s damned dangerous and largely untrue.

      Anyway, all the best and thanks very much for the comment.

      Always nice to have you stop in for a visit.


  24. 7:36 pm

    In the context of our present economic condition maybe naming our children with names with more than 2 vowels should be a taxable event. The first additional vowel is $500 and then an additional $1,000 for each vowel with fee of $10,000 for use of all of them. So if you have a name using all of the vowels like Sheaniquo everyone would know that you come from parents who really knew how to waste their cash and most likely had more than they knew what to do with.

    • 9:12 pm


      While I do agree that taxing names with extra vowels would help to stimulate the economy, I do believe those folks hanging on by their financial fingernails in places like Bangkok or Mumbai might go bankrupt. Hawaii, too. I’d be leery of supporting this idea.

      However, I would support taxation of any name that came with an unexpected ‘ (accent or apostrophe, take your pick) mark:

      La’Shent’e, M’Shiqu’ah or any version of those names qualifies for taxation, and a random bitch slap to the mother of either, who has set her up for an entire lifetime of having to hear, “How do you pronounce that?”

      The Nerd

    • 12:16 am

      That’s just plain wrong. What about a perfectly good old fashioned name like Eleanor? Should that be taxed, or spelled Elanr instead.

    • 9:11 pm

      My God Russellingalong,

      That is god damned brilliant. And a multi-syllable surcharge as well. If you aren’t in public office, young man, you sure as Hell should be.

      I like a man with answers. (Don’t suppose you know anything about getting bats out of your attic?)

      All the best


  25. Ruth permalink
    9:01 pm

    Mr. Mills,

    I have friends with these names: Queeneica, Kayleygh, Eryk and Kearstyn. Their parents tried to give them “unique” names. I’m glad my parents named me Ruth. Nice and simple.



    • 9:14 pm

      Thank you Ruth.

      Your’s is a very fine name and another on my list of favorites. These other ones though, not only are they unpronounceable but they just look damned ugly too. Like someone took a couple of random words and beat them into one with a baseball bat.

      Nice to see you again, lass.

      Thanks for stopping in.


  26. 9:17 pm

    My dear retired mother (82) used to share with me the names of her students. We’d have a great chuckle sitting around the kitchen table, playing Boggle and listening to such unique names as:

    LeTwatt Shoppe (Yep, true name– and a boy!)
    Anglea (supposed to be Angela, but mom spelled it wrong on birth certificate)
    Ivory and Ovary: twins
    Kaffee (Kathy with a lisp)

    I also heard two mothers named their daughters the following names directly after birth:

    Placenta (as in: “Here comes the placenta — oooh, that sounds pretty!”)
    Fe Mal Eh (actually spelled “Female” but I needed the phonetic spelling so you can all tell the difference)

    And Crystal Shanda Leer — we can’t forget that one. She was the daughter of the Leer Jet owner.

    • 9:18 pm

      My goodness Wordnerd you’ve found some odd ones there.

      I pity all those kids. Tuckawanda sounds like a surbub in Buffalo I was once forced to visit. Cheek Tuckawanda or Tonawanda or some such thing. I believe it’s a Native American Word for “This place makes Detroit look good.”

      Anyway, please pass on my regards to your dear old mother. I’m a bit of a Boggle fan myself but I haven’t played it much since Aggie passed. She was a Boggle whiz.

      All the best,


  27. 9:29 pm

    My dad worked with a gentleman who’s name was “Peter Pullin.” My first thought was how could you do that to your kid and then I iscovered that the “Peter” was just a nickname and that his real first name was ‘Richard.” OK, “Dick” is a euphemism for the mail origin, but it seems he could have called himself “Rich” without any problem. So why did he choose “Peter?” Was there some compulsion to have people snicker at him name every time he introduced himslef? I was, and continue to be, puzzled.

    • 10:04 pm

      “Dick” is a euphemism for the mail origin

      That’s odd. I’ve never known my post office to be called “Dick.”

      • 10:21 pm

        I must learn to read these comments before I post them … by the way is your post office and organ?

        • 10:26 pm

          make thzat “an organ” … see what I mean about checking comment posts more carefully!

          • Lily permalink
            10:44 pm

            thzat? Are you Russian?

            • 12:03 am

              No, I am a citizen of the US who is in too much of a hurry to check my comments before I send them. (Noticed this one right after I sent it, after it was too late.) 🙂

      • Lily permalink
        10:23 pm

        I’ll be checking all parcels from the Post Office more carefully in future.

    • 9:22 pm

      Thanks Bill,

      It does seem odd that a man would want to put himself firmly in the path of mockery. He was unwise to select “Peter” as a nickname when his given name is Richard and, as such, he is clearly a “Dick.”

      All the best,


    • strider permalink
      8:41 pm

      That’s nothing. One time, back in high school there was two guys, one named Mike Kuntz and Mike Koch. We had two barroom jokes in the same class. All we needed was a crank caller to the classroom.

      Caller: I’m looking for Mike Koch.

      Poor male substitute teacher, to the class, in a loud voice: Someone wants Mike Koch!

      (class erupts in gales of laughter, for some mysterious reason).

  28. 10:08 pm

    Resumes come across my desk every day, so I’ve seen some doozies. But the one I can’t get over is the first name “Marijuan”.

    I’m sure the hip hop singer Ludricrous appreciates the props in your blog title.

    • 10:27 pm

      Do you think Ludicrous is a hidden fan?

    • 9:25 pm

      Many thanks Sweats Model.

      Marijuan? That is a Doozie. I assume he/she was the successful applicant and is now gainfully employed and sitting in an office somewhere with Methamphetamike and Cocainnie.

      All the best,


  29. 12:14 am

    Dear Mr. Mills: I think you finished this post too soon, or perhaps you are saving the other part for another day. Frankly, I am not nearly so disturbed by the odd names as I am by the number of people who apparently feel that they can name their spawn anything, but in order to make it “personalized” or “individual” spell it any damned way they feel like, which is why we have Tyfany, Tiffany, Tyffanie, Thiphany, Tifannee, and other assorted travesties extant among us. You would not believe how many different ways there are to spell as simple a name as Melissa or Amy. If you can’t spell you should not be allowed to fill out a birth certificate.

    • 9:31 pm

      Damned well said healingmagichands,

      I hadn’t been planning on writing about it but I’m glad you just did.

      A wonderful comment.

      Many thanks.


  30. 1:00 am

    The worst fallout from this trend manifests when people who ought to have more sense insist on spelling other people’s names with baroque vowel substitutions, as used to happen to me at my last “straight” job. I would get notes in which the salutation used my very pedestrian, not to say miserably common, legal first name, in an orthography whose creative license defies description.

    And I am very tired of women who give birth only so that they can dub their crotch-droppings with some variant of “Kaylee” or “Caitlinn.”

    • 9:38 pm

      Thank you sledpress,

      I do so enjoy your comments. “Crotch-droppings” is as descriptive a phrase as I’ve heard in some time.

      And I’m with you on the Kaylee-Caitlin variations.

      Many thanks for stopping in.

      All the best

  31. 1:10 am

    My niece’s name is Eilidgh (pronounced “aye lee”)

    Granted, she’s Scottish by birth, but…..really????

  32. 1:12 am

    How about those names that defy specific gender identification?



    • 1:15 am

      Hey these gender neutral names could come in handy if the little tad pole grows up to be transgender. (It’s always good to think ahead!

      • 1:24 am

        does that make them gay or straight then?

        Always wondered ’bout that…

        • 1:31 am

          I don;’t know … and don’t really care either. What’s your opinion, Mr. Mills?)

          • 9:43 pm

            I suspect you’re asking the wrong man, Bill. Not an area I’m overly familiar with.



  33. 1:14 am

    I think we should do what the Native American Indians do and name their kids after something they see them doing:

    “Drives with Phone”

    “Farts Loudly in Class”

    “Rude to Grown Ups”

    That goes back to the Tshirt thing, but hey — it might work huh?

    The Nerd

    • 1:16 am

      If we did that everyone would be named “eats and defecates” unless we hold off naming until they are much older.

      • 1:25 am

        No, maybe a little subliminal suggesting…things like:

        “Drives a Jaguar”

        “Earns a good wage”

        “Respects Old Folks”

        Could go either way…

        • 9:46 pm

          Interesting suggestions, Wordnerd.

          Respects Old Folks has a nice ring to it.

          Perhaps as a middle name?


  34. 3:10 am

    This brings to mind “The Name Game,” by reasonably named Shirley Ellis. Although the version I am most familiar with came to me courtesy of a Wax Trax boxset, sung by none other than the ridiculously named (and aren’t they all) drag queen, Divine.

    If anyone says they’ve never tried this song with “Chuck,” they’re banana-fanna-fo-fucking lying.

    • 3:11 am

      Has anyone seen the version of this in the closing credits of “Flawless” with Philip Seymour Hoffmann (in full drag) and Robert de Niro?

    • 9:51 pm

      Many thanks young CLT.

      Always nice to have you stop in and visit. My wife, Aggie, used to sing that song a great deal. Although, in truth, I never heard her use the name “Chuck” while doing so.

      Take care lad,


  35. 11:50 am

    Is the old codger still with us, or shuffled on to never-never land!

    • 9:35 pm

      Thanks Dave,

      The reason for my prolonged absence is note in my reply to the first comment. Damned bats in my attic. With my luck, probably young bats too.

      I’m working to catch up.


  36. 2:18 pm

    Celebrities are the worst. They think they are so smart naming their kids Apple, Moon-Unit, or the name of the country they adopted them from.

    I used to work at the post office as a letter carrier and boy do I have some doozies.

    –Crystal Lake
    –Dick Hard
    –Dick Hickey
    –The Dykes (can’t remember the first name)
    –The Faggs (they even had a welcome mat that proudly displayed their name.

    There were many more unusual names and pair ups. There is a repair service in my town who named his company after himself called Donald P. Dick. I see his truck every day and every day I laugh.

    I named my first daughter after alcohol: Bailey
    I was about to name my second daughter Midori but my family bitch-slapped me. Then I came up with Summer Breeze (after the song) I was told it sounded like a douche. I came up with Desiree (pole dancer, I was told). After much beatings, my husband was elected as name-master and I was fired.

    • 9:56 pm

      Many thanks Tricia,

      I don’t mean to be unkind but I believe your husband may have been right to remove you as name-master. I’ve heard of having to name a child BECAUSE of alcohol but never naming a child AFTER alcohol.

      Still, Bailey is a far sight better than “Pasbst Blue Ribbon” or “Old Milwaukie.”

      There used to be a family on my street called the “Laycocks” and they had their damned name etched on a big stone out in front of their house (which always made me think of a tombstone anyway.). I used to wonder how their poor daughter made it through highschool.

      Janice Laycocks I believe her name was. A nice girl but she always looked very unhappy.

      Best regards and thanks for visiting.


  37. justsomebloke permalink
    7:35 pm

    Dear Sir,

    I greatly suspect that this modern trend of naming children after the place, vehicle or location where they were duly concieved, might be a updating of the North American Indian tradition of the tribal chief naming the new born child after the first thing he saw upon exiting the birthing teepee.

    Example: Indian boy: ‘Chief how do you decide the name of the babies?’
    Chief: ‘When baby is born, I step out of birthing teepee and if the first thing I see is a deer running, I name baby Running Deer, or if I see a large bear, I might call the baby Big Bear. Does that answer your question Two Dogs Fucking?’

    • 10:00 pm

      Many thanks Justsomebloke,

      I’m not sure what the first thing a Doctor might see after leaving the delivery room but I’m thinking the first thing he might be saying is “Does anyone know who the father is?”

      Thanks for visiting and for sharing a joke.

      Best regards,


  38. Lily permalink
    9:48 pm

    Dear Donald,

    I’m glad to hear it was only bats in your attic, pesky creatures as they are; I was beginning to wonder if you had fallen off your perch.

    Funny you mentioning having to deal with bats.

    This week I found a venomous baby brown snake on my driveway. Fortunately for me it was already dead, but it gave me the heebie – jeebies all the same, because it made me wonder where the mother could be.

    It also made me realize I am not equipped with a suitable implement to kill a large snake if it should venture too close or, heaven forbid, get inside my home.

    So I bit the bullet and bought myself a long handled Heavy Duty rake, so at least now I’m prepared.

    In my experience with bats, the best implement is a tennis racquet (seriously) and you literally bat the bats from here to kingdom come.

    Providing of course you have enough room in your attic to swing a tennis racquet.

    Hope this suggestion is helpful, but please exercise caution and don’t do yourself any injury.

    Best wishes,


    • 10:09 pm

      Nice to hear from you Lily.

      Venomous snakes? My goodness. I think it is more likely you that needs to be exercising some caution. I don’t imagine I’m in much danger with the damned bats.

      The problem I’m having is in finding the little monsters. I caught one flying around the house and I can hear the others scrabbling around but I haven’t been able to locate them.

      To make matters worse, Hattie is beside herself and refusing to work until I get this matter dealt with.

      I’ll try the tennis racquet approach if I am able to locate them. I think that a tougher form of bat justice may be needed anyway. I released the first one outside and I’m pretty damned sure he just flew back into the attic 5 minutes later. I

      Anyway, I’ll be fine but thanks for your concern.

      And please, keep your eyes on the ground and your rake near to hand.

      All the best,


      • Lily permalink
        10:39 pm


        I can certainly appreciate your desire to eradicate the bats from your attic.

        Make sure you don’t get bitten in your attempts.

        Whilst I don’t wish to alarm you in any way, but there are at least 66 species of viruses that have been isolated from bats and there is serological evidence for many more. Viruses associated with bats include, Ebola, Influenza, Nipah and Hendra viruses, SARS coronavirus, Japanese and St. Louis encephalitis viruses, Hantaan virus (a relative of the Sin Nombre hantavirus), and Rift Valley fever virus. Not to mention Rabies.

        You and Hattie haven’t developed any frothing at the mouth I hope?



        ps venomous brown snakes are the least of my worries

  39. 11:21 pm hadn’t posted in a few days so I thought the worst. Maybe you should sign up for one of those services that check in on you every 48 hours to make sure you aren’t dead.

    • Lily permalink
      11:30 pm

      Dear Mr Bearmancartoons,

      I was concerned too.

      Perhaps there is an opening for some enterprising young person to establish a “Deceased, or Otherwise Indisposed, Bogger Service”?

      Big on suggestions,

      Lily Fossil

    • 12:12 am

      Thanks for the concern Bearman but I’m not sure I need to pay someone to check and see if I’m alive. If I am, then it becomes just another damned nuisance phone call from some half-witted young person. If I’m dead, I’m fairly sure I’ll I won’t give a rats ass.

      And If I’m lying at the bottom of the stairs with a broken hip covered in rabid bats, I won’t be able to get to the phone anyway.

      Besides, Hattie comes in 3 days a week and she usually takes a few moments to ask if I’m still alive.

      All the best,


      p.s. I had another cartoon idea. Forget Capuchin Monkey Boy. What do you think of a little chicken that strolls from town to town solving problems and teaching simple lessons about morality, virtue and character? Chickens are damned funny looking.

      • 8:38 am

        The fruits of excellent blogging is that many cyber-friends nag on at you if you fail to show.

        How many of us have any real folk who would knock on the door?


  40. paper doll permalink
    4:50 am

    Don, I was just discussing this with my sister who volunteers at her daughter’s school. She said she was tired of people giving to their children names that were more suitable for their dogs…like “Hunter” and yes, ” Mercedes”. The parents are not doing the kids any favor. It would be nice if they thought about the kids more and their ” creative ” statements less.

    • 11:49 pm

      I couldn’t agree more, Paper doll.

      You have to think they’re just giving the kids another reason to resent them when they get older. Thanks for the comment and thanks for stopping in.

      All the best.


  41. downcastmysoul permalink
    4:56 am

    I hope you hired an exterminator for the bats. Isn’t their guano poisonous? They are probably getting into a tiny hole up there if they are anything like MICE. Like Dracula, they probably all fly out the attic at night looking for BLOOD to suck then come back before sunrise before the sun’s rays fry them. I might get some garlic, too, it could help.

    • 11:51 pm

      Thank you downcastmysoul,

      I’m not sure if its poisonous but as I don’t intend to be smearing any across my saltines I trust that won’t be an issue.

      Exterminator is coming tomorrow. Apparently he can get rid of bats, squirrels, mice or racoons. I’ll have to ask him about young people.

      All the best


  42. 6:45 am

    I would like to be the first to congratulate you on 200,000 irate young people visiting your blog! You really do deserve it.

    You always find a way to make me either laugh my ass off, or shake my head in shame for my generation!

    -Chris Luzader

    • 11:54 pm

      Many thanks Chris,

      That’s awfully nice of you to say. It’s been a lot of fun.

      Best regards,


  43. Gerard permalink
    1:46 pm

    Late comment again, Don, but it’s better late than never, right? I’m on vacation so I forgot to stop by and check for a new post.

    I can’t really relate too much to this post since, where I live, most people have pretty standard names based on their heritage or religion (Christians have western or biblical names, Muslims have Arabic names, Hindus have Indian names, blacks have western, Christian, or African names, etc.). However, there are a few names that seemed VERY odd to me. I once knew a guy whose name was Jasmine, but pronounced “Yaz-min”. I also know a Filipino girl whose name is Irish. Her name is not of Irish origin; I am saying her name is literally “Irish”. I never understood the reasoning behind this.

    Good post!


    • 11:56 pm

      Hello Gerard,

      Better late than never indeed. Hope you had a nice vacation lad. I trust you’re getting anxious for the start of school. Enjoy your last few weeks, Gerard, and get plenty of rest. You’ll need your strength to start hitting those books.

      Best regards,


  44. jammer5 permalink
    4:06 pm

    Had a female friend once named Mercedes. She was definitely not pinto material, unless you count her time with me. With the world getting smaller and smaller, names are going to continue to evolve. Like music, dress, hair, it’s inevitable.

    Chickens? Had a friend who tried to bbq one before removing the feathers OR killing it. Either damn funny, or damn sick (Can’t remember that far back) watching a chicken running down the road on fire. He was toasted right nice by the time he fell over. Still tasted like chicken, though.

    • 11:58 pm

      That’s a Hell of a comment Jammer5. From gals named Mercedes to evolving hair to flaming chickens in two short paragraphs. Well done.

      Thanks for dropping in. Always good to hear from you.

      Take care,


  45. Lily permalink
    10:42 pm

    Just to show you how really dumb some young people can be.

    One time I was at the check out in the supermarket and I noticed the young checkout girl had a name – tag on with the same name as my daughter and being the polite person I am, I commented to her

    “Hello Fern, you have the same name as my daughter.”

    To which this stupid, stupid girl said,

    “It’s not my name”

    Incredulously I replied,

    “Well why are you wearing a name tag that says “Fern”?
    To which she replied:

    “I lost mine and this was the only one I could find”.

    • 12:00 am

      Thanks Lily,

      Sometimes there is nothing you can do but shake your head and wonder what the Hell is going on in the world.

      Thanks for sharing the story.

      Hope you’re well.


  46. 4:26 pm

    Amen to this post. I’ve long said that people who give their kids stupid names, being so selfish as to not realize the child has to go through their whole lives with that name (or at least until they’re 18 and can legally change it) should be repeatedly slapped over and over for the duration of the kid’s life.

  47. cupofmondays permalink
    6:02 pm

    There really are too many bad names out there today.
    Raspberry, Snowflake, Apple, and Green are a few. I can’t see a child with these names being introduced as “here is your new CEO Snowflake”.
    It is just like buying them a stripper pole as you sign the birth certificate.

  48. 1:32 am

    I was thinking of James, Alexis (haha, you don’t like it), orr….idk yet.

    My high school law enforcement teacher’s name was Dick Holden… we kinda used his last name first. haha

  49. Beth permalink
    9:19 am

    What do you think ok the name Kaiden Daniel?

  50. Belle permalink
    8:08 pm

    Hi Don,

    I worked for the Social Security Administration (I haven’t found that among your list of something that is an affront to old people…perhaps SSA is more of an ‘irritant’ to old people) for about four years and saw quite a few ridiculous names. My favorite, though, was a lady who named her child INSASHABLE. (pronounced the same as ‘insatiable’). My first thought was “Future porn star, right here! No need to change the name!” I almost told the mother that, but at the time she was actually at my desk and there was no glass divider to separate us if I pissed her off. We also had a family that came in frequently with the last name Nipple. One of the girls in that family, I shit you not, was named Bodashus (bodacious) Nipple. I always avoided interviewing them – I just couldn’t go to the lobby and yell “Nipple!? Bodashus Nipple!?”

    As for myself, my children are Andrew and Josephine. Oddly enough, Josephine is new to these damn young people!
    Love your blog.

    • 1:07 am

      Many thanks Belle.

      A fascinating comment. I have a lot of respect for people who work in social security. It’s a tough job.

      Bodashus Nipple? That has to be the most unfortunate name I’ve ever heard. The poor damned kid (and I don’t say that often).

      You have to think that right off the bat, the parents have limited that child to maybe 4 or 5 different career options. And none of them are particularly appealing. Still, you never know, given the current state of our nation I wouldn’t be surprised if we ended up with a President Bodashus Nipple rapping out the state of the Nation and doing jello body shots in the Oval Office.

      Many thanks for the comment.


  51. 8:11 pm

    This one hurts, but only because I have a hyphenated last name.


  1. When he says “pinto,” he was not referring to the bean. | Quattlebaum's Refried Beans & Kosher Kim-chee

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