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Defining Moments with Cody – Part One

I have always maintained that young people have a basic vocabulary of somewhere between 40 and 50 words.

I recently had the opportunity to test my assumption.

Yesterday, Cody, the moron son of my idiot neighbor, dropped by for an unexpected visit and I asked him to define 10 simple words for me.

I report back now on the words I posed and the definitions he supplied:


1. PUERILE (pu•er•ile)

Young Cody wasted no time in defining this as “the stuff you rub on your hands so you don’t get the pig flue.” While it was a disappointing attempt, I give the lad full marks for having a passing familiarity with rudimentary hygiene.


2. OSTENTATIOUS (os•ten•ta•tious)

First, Cody clarified that I hadn’t said “Austin Texas” because apparently he knew that one. Austin Texas is an adult film star. He has no idea what ostentatious is but thinks it would be a good name for a State Capital.


3. IRONIC (Iron-ic)

Cody looked stumped on this one but after counting the fingers on both hands (for some inexplicable reason) he came up with “pertaining to iron.”


4. LASCIVIOUS (las-civ-i-ous)

Cody stated with confidence that this is “the third book of the bible. The one with the laws.”


5. PREDICT (pre-dict)

Cody blushed a bit before advising me this is what you call a girl who lost her virginity before you started dating her.


6. VOCATION (vo-ca-tion)

“The week in August when Dad doesn’t have to work we go to the trailer.” Cody, himself, is unemployed. And a gormless peckerhead of the first order.


7. ACCOUNTABILITY (a-count-a-bil-ity)

Cody believes that this is what he learned on Sesame Street.


8. HOMOGENOUS (Ho-mo-gen-ous)

I’ll spare you the painful details. Suffice to say, he wasn’t even close.


9. ACADEMIA (a-ca-dem-ia)

Somewhat predictably, “a kind of nut.” Cody believes that they may be from Canada.


10. ASSCLOWN (ass-clown)

Cody seemed surprised by the word but answered quickly. “A guy who makes a total idiot of himself when trying to be funny.”


Score one for Cody.

Next time he drops by, I’ll quiz him on historical terms. Can’t imagine what he’ll make of the Industrial Revolution.

128 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:24 am

    The fact that the boy knows the word “pertaining” shows some hope for him.


    • 1:38 am

      Thanks TJ,

      You could be right but I’m not entirely convinced. It sounded suspiciously like he was aping his science teacher. Still, even that would suggest that the boy’s actually been awake during class.

      Nice to see you,


  2. 1:12 am

    apparently, he knew his name. gotta give him some points for that, don.

    • 1:40 am

      Nice to see you Nonnie,

      I suppose it’s something. Judging by how I hear his mother address him, I’m surprised he doesn’t think his name is “ungrateful bastard.”

      All the best


  3. 1:26 am

    Instead of just randomly quizzing the poor lad, Don, why don’t you try to educate him? You could start by teaching him some terms that you deal with on a daily basis, like Incontinent, Flaccid, and Benign Prostatatic Hyperplasia.

    Don’t just criticize the poor boy, help him to get ready for his Golden Years, for God’s sake!

    • 1:47 am

      Many thanks RBG,

      Damned good words, each and every one of them. I can only imagine where Cody might take incontinence. And funny, but words I think we all deal with on a daily basis now. Not just us lucky old farts. Seems like every damned commercial on the boob tube is offering some relief for men suffering from flaccidity, incontinence or prostrate concerns.

      And I believe you’re right, I should work harder to educate the lad. After all, I’m fairly certain his visit with me was part of a court ordered community service agreement. He could be my Pygmalion. I’ll give this some serious consideration.

      Thanks for stopping in,


      • 6:33 am

        make sure to tell him that middle-aged and old people really don’t sit naked outside in side-by-side bathtubs, so if he sees any, he should call for help immediately.

        • 9:15 pm

          I’ve been wondering about that side by side bathtub thing for a couple of years now. Does anybody have a clue exactly what the hell that is supposed to indicate? “Take this drug it’ll clean your pipes?” What???

          • 10:17 pm

            beats me, healingmagichands,
            i got the football being thrown through the tire metaphor, but the bathtub imagery is beyond me. in the meantime, countless elderly people are getting pneumonia, sitting outside nekkid in bathtubs waiting to be aroused. oooh!! 😯 maybe that’s it! the drug companies are making a fortune from boner pills, but they’re greedy, and they want to make even more money selling antibiotics to seniors with pneumonia!

  4. 1:40 am

    There is some hope that even an “assclown” knows what that means.

    • 1:52 am

      Nice of you to stop in Bill.

      Yes, it appears that the lad is not completely without hope. He seemed willing to help me out and agreed to go to the store and buy me a large bag of Academia nuts. I’ve had a hankering ever since he brought them up.



  5. 1:43 am

    Ah… the Industrial Revolution. Many believe this began in the mid-70’s, with the musique concrete efforts of such luminaries as Throbbing Gristle, SPK and various other groups that had more equipment than sex appeal.

    As the forefathers toured incessantly (Psychic TV, Einsturzende Neubauten) making a hell of a lot of noise in the process, more and more devotees began accumulating broken electronics, cast-off pans and various sizes of sheet metal.

    This phenomena was particularly strong in Germany, where to this day you can’t throw a chunk of the Berlin Wall without hitting an industrial artist. Not that this is meant as encouragement or an invitation, as the largely cheerless and brutally effective police force will soon be making an “example” of your stupid ass.

    Not that the Germans had the best industrial music. Just the most of it. Rumor has it that the Canadians were also buying up tape manipulators and bondage gear, hoping to unleash a rather polite set of noise terrorists into the musical world.

    Skinny Puppy, led by Nivek Ogre, burst onto the scene in 1982 and generally behaved badly for the next 15 years, releasing several albums of sonic terrorism and putting several heroin dealers’ illegitimate children through college.

    But what of the US? In the early ’80s, a waifish Al Jourgensen formed Ministry, a new Romantic group that minced about daintily, singing in a Keanu Reeves-esque faux-British accent about love, not being loved and how everyday was like Halloween (or Sunday, to Morrissey fans).

    At some point, Al discovered his true calling: heroin addiction. Out with the eyeliner and lace gloves. In with seven guitarists, two drummers and some wickedly deformed cowboy hats. Ministry stalked the land, taking no prisoners with their aural assault and withdrawal pains.

    At this point, the Industrial Revolution was over. Everybody went from sounding like Cabaret Voltaire to sounding like Ministry, virtually overnight. Especially Frontline Assembly.

    So what did the Industrial Revolution teach us? That anyone, given the right amount of percussive instruments and clean needles can make music. And not just any music, but the kind of music that millions of people will declare is “not really music, is it? More like noise, I’d say.”

    Kids these days.

    • 3:22 am

      Industrial Revolution…I thought that just pertained (see I can use it too) to the launch of the Beatles.

    • 11:53 am

      An interesting comment, CLT, and humbling as well. I have to admit that perhaps there were a good 20 to 30 words in there I couldn’t define if my life depended on it.

      I believe that Psychic TV may be a reference to that Dionne Warwick woman but for the life of me I have no idea how that connects to underfed canines or the industrial revolution.

      You’ve stumped me for damned sure.

      All the best,


  6. 1:57 am

    For added amusement I always check out the “Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)” on every post I read. Apparently the computer thinks that your post is related to “Rap Guts — How To Get A Hip-Hop Beer Belly.”

    If Donald Mills didn’t exist, it would be necessary to invent him.

    • 11:53 am

      Thanks Bill,

      I’ll have to give that one a read. Sounds like a damned interesting essay.

      Best regards.


  7. 2:04 am

    Cody’s puerile and homogenous understanding of the English language is not ironic due his obvious lack of time spent in the world of academia. His lack of verbal skills will not only keep him from having an ostentatious vocabulary, but I predict that it will doom him to a lascivious vocation where his skills as an assclown will leave him with a lack of responsibility and accountability matched only by the stripper he will undoubtedly “knock up”

    • 11:55 am

      Extremely well said, morethananelectrician, and frighteningly accurate as well I might add.

      Thanks kindly.


  8. downcastmysoul permalink
    2:14 am

    I had to look up 2 words on your list, three if you count “gormless”. I was a high school dropout before I became a “doctor”.

    Poor old Cody is doing his best to define those words! He will need to brush up, however before his SAT tests or he will be flipping burgers or making Lattes for the rest of his life.

    While he is getting Academia Nuts for you, maybe he can get some Ben and Jerry for me.

    • 12:03 pm

      Nice to see you downcastmysoul,

      I’m not sure I’m comforted bu seeing the quotations marks surrounding the word doctor. Where exactly did you go to medical school? Sorry to pry but if I’m going to entrust you with my well-being (and pesky rash) I do need to ask.

      And don’t concern yourself with Cody too much. The boy is 27 and has no interest in SAT tests or an entry level job. I believe his plan is to continue living in his mother’s basement until he is discovered. Discovered doing what, I have no idea…

      As always, nice to see you.


      • downcastmysoul permalink
        3:17 am

        I got my medical degree out of this little brown box of sweet snacks but it says it’s perfectly genuine. How’s the rash?

  9. Lily permalink
    3:05 am

    Dear Donald,

    The “Academia” Nut is native to Australia and in particular, to the area in which I live.

    I am fortunate enough to have two trees in my yard.

    Cody’s skull is probably as difficult to crack as an “academia” nut, I suspect.

    And speaking of crack, according to Wiki, “academia” nuts, when crushed have a very striking similarity in appearance to crack cocaine.

    The enlightening one,

    Lily Fossil

    • 3:11 am

      And to think that I thought “academia nuts” were parasites of colleges and university’s. Thanks for setting me straight.

      • Friar permalink
        3:53 am

        I used to work in Academia.

        The people there aren’t too dissimilar to ass-clowns, actually.

    • 12:11 pm

      Many thanks Lily,

      Enlightening one indeed.

      And nice to see that “Wiki” is comparing the appearance of Mother Nature’s nuts to dangerous drugs. I guess it’s a learning aid for the damned young peoplw. Helps them visualize.

      All the best.


  10. 3:24 am

    The whole topic of words that sound like something else reminds me that everytime I see your name

    Donald Mills, I mistakenly read it as:

    “Donna Mills”, making me think of boobs which makes me horny.

    So Donald Mills makes me horny?

    • 12:37 pm

      Thank you Mr. Bearman,

      A confusing comment and one which leads me to assume that you are a confused young man. I’ll do my best to try and help you out but you likely have issues that require some more professional help.

      (And by professional help I’m not referring to any of those quack psychiatrists, I’m talking about good old fashioned electro-shock therary, ice baths and a sound beating with a copy of the old testament.)

      It sounds to me like you are either preoccupied with breasts or that this is some ham-handed attempt at trying to seduce me.

      If it is the former, I’d suggest that you’ll likely grow out of it in time. It’s not uncommon for youngsters like yourself to get all weak in the knees at the thought of a woman’s body. I’d suggest that you try to redirect your thoughts and take up some physical activity. Get yourself a damned medicine ball and ask your dad to hurl it at you repeatedly. It’ll clear your head and strengthen your muscles.

      (And a word of advice. The people who use the word “boobs” to describe female breasts are also the people who are least likely to ever actually ever see one (or two if that’s what you prefer). That’s a fact, you can Google that one, Bearman.)

      Now, if it is the latter and you are attempting some form of courtship with me…well, then you have more complicated issues. I’m flattered, naturally, but also horrified and feel the need to shower.

      I also should let you know that my wife, Aggie, died 23 years ago and while that’s a fair chunk of time, I’m not ready to start dating again. Sadly for you as well, if you are attracted to Octogenarian men you may find us to be in short supply and high demand. We’re a sexy bunch and there are a lot of lonely widows out there that won’t take kindly to your interloping.

      So, in sum, I’d suppress whatever feelings you might be having and hope they go away. I think that’s good advice for any emotional problem.

      I hope that helps.

      Good luck and God bless.


      • 3:30 pm

        I love boobies.

        Not to be too inconsiderate, but did Aggie have a nice rack? Me and Bearman would like to see some pictures. Thank you. TL

        (And I would so do Donna Mills. But I would also do General Mills so maybe I have the bar set too low.

        • 5:23 pm

          Hello Mr. Leah and welcome,

          Quite the damned saucy request there, lad. In my day we didn’t ask a man personal questions about his wife. We didn’t ask personal questions at all, actually. We asked about the weather, the sports news and likelihood of communists storming over our borders and destroying our way of life.

          And as for pictures, if you and your Bearman (which, I have on good authority is underworld slang for a burly homosexualist male) are so Hell bent on the damned pornography I suggest that the two of you buy yourselves some damned web cams and go to town.

          And on the subject of photos, your’s would suggest that you’re a hard-drinking, heavy-smoking, aging playboy. That’s not good. I like the tie though. Used to work with a lad named Geoff Goff (we called him “Goofy” Goff) and he favored that brand of necktie. A pencil-headed little turd but he was a good reporter. Could have had a career in television if it weren’t for the lateral lisp and his habit of putting his finger in his ear when he was nervous.

          Now, hopefully we’ve put this nastiness behind us and can engage in more civil conversation in the future.

          Thanks for visiting and I hope my comments are of help to you and Bearman. I’ve no beef with alternative lifestyles (it’s rudeness I can’t stomach). But don’t invite me to the wedding. I’m tolerant in my attitudes but that’s one “first dance” I don’t need to see.

          Best regards etc.,


          • 5:54 pm

            So in your long winded, “I am going to need my oxygen tank refilled” way of responding, you are saying there are no boobie pictures? That is disappointing. Not even a granny panty shot?

            Thanks for noticing my tie. I think your creepy old man glasses (with not a hint too much tint) are pretty spiffy. Granted, they haven’t made that style of frame since ’67 but they do a nice job in bringing out the yellow in your eyes.

            Oh, and anytime you want to test my masculinity, just drop your Ben Gay and bend over. I will give your proctologist something to ask about next time you see him.

            It’s been a pleasure, TL

          • 10:50 pm

            ‘which, I have on good authority is underworld slang for a burly homosexualist male”

            And you say you don’t visit THOSE sites.

      • 10:55 am

        As an ex-psychiatrist, proper Brit version, not some loony tuning USofA psychotherpist mind wringer. I deny that I have ever quacked, in public.


        • 6:48 pm

          Hello Dave and thanks for visiting.

          I’ll be borrowing the phrase “loony tuning psychotherpist mind wringer” and using it down at the seniors centre. Hope you don’t mind. We get into some damned good debates and colorful language is always appreciated.

          Glad to hear you’ve refrained from quacking in public. What a man does in the privacy of his own home is his own damned business.

          Best regards, Don

          p.s. Don’t suppose you’d be able to help me out with a recurring nightmare involving young people, black and tan dachshunds and Kellogs Corn Flakes? It’s damned unsettling.

          • 7:44 am

            May I recommend six capsules of cod liver oil taken late afternoon. They will purge the bowels well from about bedtime to next day, keeping you on the loo, unable to sleep and therefore dream and nightmare free?

  11. Friar permalink
    3:51 am

    That lad has skills, Don. …..Skills!

    I see a rewarding career for him in the food service industry.

    And maybe, if he schools up a bit, and works hard at it….who knows? He might end up as 2nd Assistant Dip-stick Checker at Jiffy Lube.

    • 9:28 pm

      Many thanks Friar,

      He’s good with a yo-yo, I’ll give the lad that. Still, he has had 27 years of uninterrupted practice time. (Still won’t walk the dog though. Sounds too much like a chore I suppose.)

      Not sure what the future might hold for the lad. At this point I think his plan is just to stay in the basement until his mother finally dies of disappointment and then sell her house, buy a loft and get his “groove on.”

      It’s a 10-year plan.

      Good to see a young person thinking ahead.

      All the best


  12. 3:53 am

    Well what the hell! I never even seen 3 of those words before and I’m too lazy to look them up so I’ll be happy to remain unknowledgeable 🙂 And for what it’s worth, academia doesn’t sound like it could be the name of a nut.

    • Lily permalink
      4:38 am

      Dear Ms Sensico,

      I’m not sure why I am bothering to educate you, when, by your own admission you are too lazy to use a dictionary, but I can let you in on a little secret and put you out of your misery (and mine too) about the “academia” nut. It’s a play on words for the Macadamia Nut.

      Brought to you as a community service,

      Lily Fossil

    • 9:35 pm

      Nice to see you Sensico,

      Though I’ll seriously consider starting to call you Nonsensico if you keep up with this kind of young person nonsense. Too lazy to look up words? Good God!

      I’d recommend you look them all up. And in a proper dictionary, not on the damned internet.

      Thanks for visiting. Hope you’re well.


  13. legeant permalink
    4:54 am


    He’s not too far off on Academia (pace Lily Fossil) — I’m in administration at a Carnegie-I university and am hip deep in Academia nuts every day!


    Le Geant

    • 5:24 am

      My dear sir … I feel your pain.

    • 9:37 pm

      Thanks Legeant,

      Could be that Cody has some hidden intuitive talents. Like Kreskin.

      Many thanks for stopping in. Always good to hear from you.


  14. Lily permalink
    4:56 am

    Dear Donald,

    At the risk of sounding puerile and somewhat ironic, I predict that in Academia there will always be one ostentatious assclown whose vocation it is to show no accountability whatsoever to what would otherwise be an homogenous group of lascivious students.

    Yours truly,

    Lily Fossil

  15. Ravikant permalink
    6:18 am

    Wow Miss Lily, what an excellent use of all those words in that paragraph.
    And Mr. Mills, as for Cody, I feel sad about him since I myself am a student and from a culture where English is not the first language and even I knew the meanings of more than 7 words there and took a guess at one and checked dictionary to find it right [lascivious]. Though I admit I did not know the meanings of 2 words there before [ostentatious and puerile]. Thank you I learned something too.

    • 1:18 am

      Always nice to have you stop in Ravikant.

      And well done on the definitions. I’ve never been able to pick up a second language and am always amazed by the those who can. Guess it’s just not in me to do it.

      All the best,


  16. 8:18 am

    Predict floored me with a laugh.
    Got to know of your blog from Lynn and glad i did 🙂

    • 1:21 am

      Many thanks ~uh~ (took me a while to find that symbol on my keyboard) and welcome.

      That Lynn is a good woman. Truly. And I’m pleased you were able to visit. I hope to see you again.

      All the best and cheers to you as well.


  17. 9:21 am

    Funny list Don, and nicely annotated. Save the mother tongue.

    • 1:23 am

      Thanks Nurse Myra,

      Who knew? Great name for a comedian. Hope his act lives up to his name.

      Many thanks,


  18. haroldsnodgrass permalink
    10:37 am

    It was so nice to see the wonderful word gormless being used in current day communications.

    • 1:24 am

      Very nice of you to visit Harold and welcome to the site.

      I hope you’ll drop by and visit again. And, yes, gormless is a damned fine word. Everytime I say it or see it, I can hear my mother’s voice.

      Best regards,


  19. 12:31 pm

    Ha! Don, I can only imagine what Cody would have said if you’d asked him what “postdict” (post-dict) was!

    All jokes aside, though, do you mind if I ask what his status is? I mean, is he single or anything? I realize it’s totally off topic, and I don’t normally do this, but things didn’t go so well with Mr. Horton and it just seems like Cody is everything I end up getting in a guy, you know?

    For example, the following is love-poem I once received from a beau:

    Roses are Red
    Violets are blue
    I’m a Farmer
    And I love you

    This guy was no Robert Frost, but that wasn’t really the problem.

    The problem was he was actually a Framer.

    So I just thought I would take a chance and put it out there.

    And, if he works in the food service industry, that would be even better…unless of course, it’s a German restaurant. I have no idea why, but even thinking about Schnitzels makes me break out in hives.

    Anyway, let me know…


    • 2:12 am

      Thanks for visiting Bschooled.

      I’m not sure what “status” Cody might be. He mentioned something about parole but I don’t think that was what you had in mind.

      As far as I know, he’s unmarried but I can’t tell you how many children he may have fathered. If you’re interested, I’m told his mugshot is can be seen here:

      I’d strongly caution you against a romantic entanglement with young Cody. And I think you’ll agree after viewing the photo that young Mr. Horton never looked better.

      Lovely to have to visit.


      • 3:44 am


        Geez, thanks so much for the heads up, Don.

        And to think I was embarrassed by the Tazmanian devil Mr. Horton had on his chest…

        • Lily permalink
          6:25 am

          Good Grief, Donald, if that’s a photo of Cody, I’m seriously concerned about the neighborhood you are living in.
          Have you ever thought of moving to Australia?

          And, bschooled, lovely to see you, but I am also a bit concerned about your penchant for the lads. You seem to have a different one each week or am I missing something here?


          • 10:59 am

            That stellar line up made me reconsider whether Britland is as far down the plughole as I think, or is it thought, maybe knew?

          • 2:37 pm

            Oh Lily, don’t worry…you aren’t missing anything here. It’s how I keep “things exciting in the bedroom” so to speak.

            (the quotes are there because I only know two moves)

            Anyway, I won’t get into details because I don’t want to compromise Don’s upstanding blog, but no need to be concerned…like I always say, no matter what happens in life, there’s always a cream for that.

  20. 2:04 pm


    You would have just as well served the interests of our nation had you asked the boy to define the meaning of loyalty, God, country, marriage, respect, responsibility, honor, decency, and property line! These ruffians of today could use a lesson in any of those subjects.
    Sorry, I’m angrier than a wet pussy today, my gout’s been acting up again. And I lost my god damned tablets for the gout. I hope it wasn’t my good for nothing nephew that stole them. He’s a drug user that one; just the other month he had some type of conniption fit on one thing or another. I didn’t mean to get off target there.

    Excellent essay writing as always.

    • 1:42 pm

      Did you go and forget about me Donald? If I don’t hear back from one of my friends in timely manner- first I check the obits then I check back with them. You were not in the obits so I don’t know whether you’ve fallen in the tub or what? Let me know that you are well. I don’t want to be sittin here worried about you starving and rotting in a drained bathtub. God damn it.

      • 2:05 pm

        Many thanks Scott and my sincere apologies. A complete ovesight on my part.

        Sorry about your gout as well. If you’d like a tip, my fishing buddy Hubert swears that cherry’s are an excellent treatment. In additon to being damned tasty, your drug addled nephew is unlikely to steal them.

        I like you list of questions to pose to Cody. I’ve known the boy since he was a sprog and can tell you for damned sure he has no idea what a property line is – despite repeated explanations on my part.

        And thanks to for your concern about my well being. I check the obits on a daily basis and am able to confirm that, no, I am not dead.

        All the best and, again, my apologies. Hope you didn’t take any offence.

        Always good to see you.


        • 4:46 pm


          No, no offence taken. I was just making sure you were ambulatory and all. I’m glad to know that all is well.
          And I’ll try the cherry’s, thanks.

  21. 4:01 pm

    Mr. Mills, you know I’m not a native English speaker, so I carry some compassion for young Cody. Actually, I learn a lot of English by reading your posts and the visitors’ comments. For example, today I learned with Scott that ‘wet pussy’ is a synonym for an angry person so I can’t wait to tell my mom next time she gets upset with something.

    Thanks for sharing. Speaking of sharing, tell that other guy whom I borrowed the 3 canadian dollars from that this weekend I will spend his 3000 he made on the bet. Stinky the mutt, the underdog, defeated 1 pitbull and 1 rotweiller on the dogfighting last week. I’m loaded!

    • 1:59 am


      First off, I’d be grateful if you’d call me Don.

      And I too have learned a great deal of English from the comments. I’ve learned about “sexting” and “prototots” and even discovered my beloved “Assclown” here. Just goes to show, you can find learning anywhere.

      Best regards,


      p.s. I passed on your message. The reply I received was “Mantenha o dinheiro. Coma, dance e viva vida ao mais cheio!”

      Hope that makes some sense to you

      • 4:06 am

        Fez todo sentido, meu amigo! Vou manter o dinheiro, comer, dançar e viver a vida ao máximo!

        Thanks, Don!

  22. Frankelstache permalink
    6:02 pm

    Dear Donald,

    That neighbor’s kid looks / sounds / reads like he has the intelligent of a CA Beauty Queen on Meth.

    He is very lucky to have you in his zip code. All I learned from my neighbors growing up was how to curse in Spanish, specifically how to refer to your siblings as sons of bitches.

    Pro choice – Procreate – Pro Mills.

    • 1:51 am

      My young friend Frankelstache,

      Always a pleasure to have you visit son. Sounds like you had some interesting neighbours, son. Almost as colorful as mine. Hope wee Mungo (you did change the name right) is doing well. Damned cute pup.

      pro tempore, pro bono, pro quid pro,


      • Frankelstache permalink
        3:29 pm

        Dear Don,

        Thanks for inquiring about the pup’s health. It was my intention to ask you to be the God/Dog/Donfather at his circumcision (neutering) ceremony 3 months from now. It’ll be a great honor for all of the Frankelstache clan, and I promise you free booze, a Kippah and some intense world war II conversation with the lifeguards of my genetic pool.

        As for the name, The Women I Love used her Veto right, yet again. She did smile hearing your Scottish suggestion, if that’s any consolation. I informed her we shall reserve you the right to name his successor.

        Always run like the sea,

  23. 6:21 pm

    I thought I was in big trouble when I read that first word….whew, thank goodness it was the only one I had to look up.

    • 1:39 am

      Nice of you to visit yorksnbeans,

      Didn’t know puerile? I’m surprised. Perhaps you’ve been spending a little too much time out on the dance floor?

      All the best,


  24. 6:35 pm

    Yeah its a shame that parents today do not hold their children to a higher standard of learning. Cody will wind with a job where he wears his name on his shirt..saying WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT…just too bad his father is probably a FECKLESS douche!!!….zman sends

    • 1:37 am

      Thanks Zman,

      Have to love the word “feckless.” Keep living strong, son.

      All the best,


  25. 7:36 pm

    Don, it’s me again.

    I just got a comment on my blog. The ‘critter’ asked if Brazil is one of the “45 American states”.

    Is there any chance that Cody is web surfing?

    • 1:34 am

      Hi Ivan,

      Thanks for that son. I damned near spat my Ovaltine out when I read it. Sounds like Cody, alright. But it also sounds like half of the ther folks out there.

      You’ com referência a um bom homem, Ivan. Eu aprecio suas visitas.

      Muitos agradecimentos para o riso, Seu amigo, Don

  26. YellowRoses610 permalink
    1:08 am

    Dear Mister Mills,

    Juno’s tits that’s a sad state of affairs, though I begin to wonder is your personality a compel facade created for humour? I fear this.


    • 1:31 am

      Thanks YellowRoses610,

      It’s funny but since I’ve started up this blog I’ve run into all kinds of folks that seem to believe that there is no way an older man could possibly “figure out how to use the internet” or have a sense of humor. And both? Never.

      I am what I am. 100% Don Mills. Always have been and always will. Couldn’t be anything different if I tried.

      All the best Yellowroses. Always nice to hear from you.


      • Lily permalink
        2:05 am

        Dear Donald,

        If it is a complete facade, it is still compelling.


      • 2:09 am

        Mr Mills

        ….It seems to me that everywhere you are…Ms Fossil is as well. I think you have a not so secret admirer. She seems to defend you at every turn….Zman sends

        • Lily permalink
          3:12 am

          Dear Steve,

          I have never made it any secret how much I admire Mr Mills’ excellent blog. I admire excellence in whatever form it takes in this otherwise shabbily behaved world and of course I will defend him when I agree with nearly everything he says.

          Mr Mills, provides a ray of sunshine in my somewhat dreary life.

          Surely you aren’t begrudging an old lady that?


          Lily Fossil

  27. YellowRoses610 permalink
    1:56 am

    Dear mistermills,

    Please call me “Rose.” That said It hink every oen is suprised any oen could be as sterotypicaly an old amn as you. I mean no offense by that. Also I really want to know what you spaired us.

    • 2:18 am

      My apologies, Rose, it’s late, my eyes are tired and I confess to having had a small rye after dinner but I’m not sure I understand your question.

      “Also I really want to know what you spaired us.”

      Again, my apologies if I’m being dense. If you can clarify I’d be happy to answer. Might be the morning before I’m able though – I think I’m about ready to call it a night.



      • 3:02 pm

        Tell me Don…. do you know anybody called ‘Rod’, by any chance?

        If you do, and it was him that you ‘spaired’, then it’s an odds-on certainty that you’ve spoiled a child.

        • 6:53 pm

          Many thanks Nobbly.

          Always good to have you about.

          And, sorry but the light has just finally come on.

          Rose, the response to homogenius was exactly what you would have suspected. A “super smart gay.” Cody used earthier language that I don’t approve of that was gist of it.


      • YellowRoses610 permalink
        10:26 pm

        Mister mills,
        It;s alright my glasses were rather foggy the other night. I merely wanted to know what he said Homogenized meant.”


        • 10:40 pm

          Foggy glasses are the order of the day in Chateau Nobbly.

          Sometimes life makes more sense when viewed through a thin veil of fog.

          In answer to your question, rose; I think that Homogenized, is a term that is used to describe the realisation that the last bloke to try on the pair of jeans that you’ve just tried on was (how can I put it)… batting for the other team.

  28. Debbi permalink
    3:10 am

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    Just be glad you didn’t ask Cody to define “penal.” I can only imagine where that would’ve led . . .


    • 6:54 pm

      Many thanks Debbie for visiting and the comment,

      And you’re damned right. I can only imagine too.

      All the best and, again, thanks for stopping in.


  29. Gerard permalink
    3:19 am

    This post is hilarious, Don. Although I don’t know the definitions to all the words you asked Cody to define (my vocabulary isn’t the best), I can’t believe he didn’t know words like “predict” and “ironic”.

    Vocabulary is truly a weakness in my generation. I’ve been trying to study more words, but it’s not easy to devote time to it. However, I’ll try harder just for you, Don!


    • 6:55 pm

      Many thanks Gerard,

      Glad you enjoyed it. You keep working on that vocabulary, young man. A good education is a well-rounded one.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.


  30. Hydrangea permalink
    9:19 am

    Mercy, Don, I hope you can help that poor Cody. I can only imagine what might happen if you asked him to define “edict.” I shudder to think…

    Hydrangea Bloom

    • 6:57 pm

      Thank you Hydrangea Bloom and welcome.

      He likely would have thought edict was some kind of cybersex. The lad seems to have his head in the gutter.

      Lovely name. My hydrangrea are in full bloom at the moment but the rain seems to have knocked them all down. A shame, they are something to see.

      Thanks again for visiting.


  31. 2:53 pm

    Now look here, Mr.Mills.

    It can be a dangerous business, teaching big words to hardened numbskulls such as young Cody.

    First off, he’ll think that he’s one up on his peers if he can trot out the odd fancy sounding word here and there. Next he’ll be dropping malapropisms like there’s no tomorrow, and all his mates will be copying him…. then where will we be?

    Before you know it, he’ll havea family of his own, all shackled with daft names.

    You’ll hear him in the supermarket, yelling

    “Escritoire! What did I tell you about stealing frozen chickens – just put it back!”


    “I won’t tell you again, Diaphanous, cutting the end off the blind man’s cane so he thinks he’s surrounded by a ditch is not funny!”

    • 7:02 pm

      Thanks Nobbly,

      I’m beginning to think you’re right. And it may be too late. The damned first names I hear nowadays are downright irresponsibl. In fact, that’s the subject of my next post.

      And I do confess that you had me helped me out with Escritoire. I always thought it was a french bathroom. It would explains a great deal. 30 odd years ago I took Aggie to a fancy french restaurant, told the mairtre’d I was bursting for a pee and asked if he could point me in the direction of his Escritoire so I could relieve myself.

      All the best,


      • 9:51 pm


        That is all.



        (Oh yeah, I haven’t hit submit. I have all the time in the world… hahaha!)

        Dear Mr. Mills,

        Will you please read my screenplay?

        It’s called “Crabby Old Man Fights Morlock Chicks from Planet Nerk and Saves The Day and Gets the Girl and Then Has Sex With Her – Thanks to the Wonders of Viagra!”

        Itr’s about a superhero old man who battles Morlock chicks from the planet Nerk and saves the day and gets the girl and has sex with her thanks to the wonders of Viagra.

        The film has been completely funded (by Viagra) and needs the perfect crabby old fart lead man.

        I believe we have found him in you.

        • 10:29 pm

          If you’ve found him ‘in Don’, you;ll never get the old bugger to agree to let him out.

          Face facts, Alpo… even if he did get out, would you want to go near him after his recent history of accomodation?

          • 11:46 pm



            “NobblySan — Making the Internet 100% Funnier!”

            And you can quote me on that!

  32. 11:25 pm

    You know Don I think you are expecting to much of the young people that were born after the advent of computers. Their ubiquitous dominance in most aspects of life today have allowed many young people to rely on them for spelling [spellcheck], what words mean [wikipedia], directions home [mapquest]. I’m sure you get the picture.

    On another subject. How are things going on the housekeeper stealing front?

    • Lily permalink
      12:28 am

      Dear Mr Russellingalonglikeabrownsnakeinlonggrass,

      Please excuse me interloping, but I agree wholeheartedly with your comment regarding the “ubiquitous dominance” of computers being the cause of the atrocious ignorance of young people with regards spelling, the meanings of words and the general lack of vocabulary.

      I have noticed that many of them are too dumb to even utilize “spellcheck” and very few will edit their text before they hit the “send” button, so it is no wonder a lot of what they say is complete gibberish.

      Then they are the ones who claim that we don’t understand them.

      No wonder we can’t understand them. It’s because their writing doesn’t make sense. Pure and simple.

      Best wishes,

      Lily Fossil

    • 2:11 am

      Many thanks Russellingalong,

      An interesting notion but I hold to the premise that we expect far too little of young people today. And even then we are disappointed. I think Lily (as per usual) has summed it nicely.

      Now, with respect Hattie, you may recall that I caught her red-handed and that she confessed to both the theft of my rye and cornflakes, but denied having a hand in the disappearance of my socks. (I mentioned this some time ago – apologies if you’ve heard it before).

      After some tears and promises of better behavior we agreed to put the unfortunate pilfering behind us and move on.

      Things have been fine between the two of us ever since. I often invite her to join me for a bowl of corn flakes or shot of rye (depending on the hour of course) and we’ve enjoyed many nice chats over the dining room table. But for some inexplicable reason, my socks continue to disappear.

      Thanks for asking.

      Best regards,


  33. 12:34 am

    Russellingalonglikeabrownsnakeinlonggrass? Terms of endearment or snark? I’m confused.

  34. Lily permalink
    1:01 am

    No offense meant, Sir.

    I’m Australian; we tend to do that to people’s names as a term of endearment in a larrikin kind of way, if that makes sense?


  35. 1:15 am

    Oh? No offense taken. So would lilypadinshallowwaterfeedingonwhatthewaterprovidesbeacompliment?
    Just wondering.

    • Lily permalink
      1:50 am

      Lilypadinshallowater does have a certain arcadian rhythm to it.

  36. 1:57 am

    My beloved city is a porn star?!?!

    • 2:15 am

      Many thanks for visiting Pamela,

      I’m afraid I can’t verify the accuracy of Cody’s definitions but he did seem quite sure. Even to the point of describing the placement of specific “moles” and “pock marks”. Not a conversation I’d like to have a second time.

      Sorry if this has come as a shock.

      All the best and, again, lovely of you to stop in.


  37. Jacob permalink
    11:24 pm

    I regret to inform you that you misspelled the basic word, “lascivious.”

    Given today’s education system (in Canada) where grammar and spelling are no longer taught nor considered pertinent, I don’t think you can blame any ‘youngsters’ for not knowing a working definition of your words.

    I think you have to ask yourself whether words such as those are imperative or if they are merely pretentious. Granted, Cody’s definitions are embarrassing in any case.

    Just a thought: maybe you should try the same set of words with another teenager, but this time, ask him or her to use the words in a sentence. Definitions can be hard if you haven’t studied them; context is gathered through reading and understanding.

    The fundamentals may have been lost thanks to electronics and a poor attitude towards education, but there is still hope.

    Kind regards,


    • 11:46 pm

      Well isn’t that damned embarrassing. And me up on my high horse.

      Many thanks young Jacob for pointing that error out (I’ve corrected it now).

      Now, while I appreciate your keen eye and fine spelling, I still have to take issue with your views.

      It seems like a Hell of a “cop-out” (I’m trying to put this is ‘hep’ language for the benefit of young folks) to say that if a subject isn’t formally taught in the education system young people have no need or responsibility to learn it.

      Last time I checked they didn’t teach manners either – does that mean young people shouldn’t be expected to learn them?

      And the schools don’t teach skateboarding or advanced profanity and yet the young people I see excel in those subjects – so clearly they have the time to learn other interests.

      And as for being pretentious, I have to disagree again. Words like predict, vocation and accountability are used on a daily basis. Besides, having a good vocabularly isn’t pretentious, using the vocabulary to explain why dried egg dribbled on a canvas is a sublime understatement on motherhood and well worth the $300,000 asking price is pretentious.

      Now, having said that, I fully agree with the notion of trying the definitions with another teenager and allowing them to use them in a sentence. You raise a good point there and I am in full agreement. Personally, I would do much better at defining words if allowed to use them in a sentence.

      You strike me as a good lad, Jacob, and I enjoyed your comment a great deal. I do hope you’ll visit again. Something tells me we might have some colorful debates.

      All the best, Don

  38. Jacob permalink
    12:18 am

    Ah, you’ve got me there. It is quite the cop-out to say that children have no responsibility to learn something that isn’t formally taught in school (such as manners). However, I’d like you to look a little closer at the young people of today. It seems, from my brief skim of your blog, that you’re focusing on the bad ones who are spitting, cussing, and constantly skateboarding on the damned sidewalk. What about the ones that use their time to learn PERL, CSS, and other computer languages (that helped create your aforementioned blog), instead of focusing on spelling and grammar.

    With all that said, I could go on for hours about how my peers need to pick up a book (even if it’s just Harry Potter) instead of playing video games.

    I look forward to our colourful debates, although I can’t guarantee that my generation Y attention span will keep me around for too long.



  39. 5:41 pm

    Austin Texas is a porn star? And academia is a nut from Canada? Sounds like the beginning of a beautiful friendship:)

  40. Cole permalink
    2:52 am

    give him a break, he’s just a little kid you old fuck!

  41. Cole permalink
    2:58 am

    P.S. Shorry for my bad langwag i have turrets

    • 1:27 pm

      Young Mr. Cole,

      Nice to see you again lad. Thanks for the comments and for explaining why you rely so heavily on profanity.

      I’m assuming you meant to say that you have “tourettes” not “turrets.” (Although having turrets would be markedly more interesting. I can almost picture you standing there with a small tower jutting off your head. That would be one syndrome I could get behind.)

      All the best,


      p.s. I mentioned earlier that Cody is 27.

  42. metalhead permalink
    3:25 am

    I am 15 years old, and I am not happy with the way you present young people in your articles. We are not all meth using, senior cursing, skateboarding people. Many of us are quite happy with the way are lives are going, I myself am in a number of bands, I have never done drugs, I DO NOT LISTEN TO RAP, metal all the way! I am turning out fine. Don’t be so quick to judge us on what you see on television. Most of us are not even involved in that kind of thing.

    • 1:29 pm

      Thanks Metalhead.

      You raise a good point but and I agree that you are not all “meth using, senior cursing, skateboarding people.” Some are “pot sniffing, senior loathing, ipod wearing people.”

      Thanks for that. I believe in fairness and balance.


  43. Fenekk permalink
    5:07 am

    I’m surprised that someone of Cody’s intelligence would know anything about the Bible, personally. 😉

  44. Cole permalink
    11:03 pm

    Thank you donald for saying that to my friend metalhead, thats all i wanted to tell you! 😛

    • 1:02 am

      A pleasure Cole.

      I hope you and your damned turrets are keeping well. (And nice work avoiding the bad language son)

      All the best,


  45. paper doll permalink
    6:01 pm

    Don, this was an informative look into what passes for current youngin brains.If you keep asking him such questions when he shows up, I’m guessing he will soon crease to inflict you with visits.

    Seeing him next door in the course of the day, I’m sure, is enough Cody exposure for anyone….much less a ” get off my lawn ” type like yourself.

    sorry about Aggie

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