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Affronts to Old People #3: Damned Young People and Their Rude T-Shirts

 (Recently, I expressed my distaste for sweatpants with offensive words written across the ass. Since that post was directed at the ladies, I felt it was only fair to take aim at the god damned crude t-shirts the young lads wear.)

 

One of the most outrageous assaults young people have committed on common decency has to be the practice of wearing t-shirts with damned offensive slogans scrawled across them.

I see them everywhere. Young men walking around with inane and distasteful things like “Vaginatarian” and “Down with Panties” written on their shirts.

Just this morning I was confronted by the sight of some moron wearing a t-shirt that said “All this and a Huge Dick.”

Now, while I’m quite sure he is a huge dick, I stand by my assertion that if you hope to attract a mate by writing rude things across your chest you’re likely going to die without ever having known the touch of a woman.

I may not be able to stop this horrible practice, but I would like to suggest that if you are going to continue, you at least write something on your shirts that makes some damned sense. I suggest any one of the following 10 options:

 

“I’m Not Amusing So My T-shirt Needs to Pull up the Slack”

If the only way you can get a laugh is by having “Ass – the other Tight meat” written on your shirt, I think we can all safely assume you’re no Mark Twain or Noel Coward.  You may not find my slogan as amusing, but perhaps a half-witty t-shirt is a better fit for you in the long-run anyway.

 

“I’m with Stupid”

File this under truth in advertising. Plus, you likely already own the shirt. All you need is a black marker and you’re good to go.

 

“My Other Shirt is a Burger King Uniform”

Just because it makes me chuckle damn it.

 

“I Haven’t Mastered the Art of Buttons”

Face it – the only reason you’re walking around in a crass t-shirt day and night it is to draw attention away from the fact that you’ve never learned how to button up a shirt.  An alternative slogan would be “teach me to use my opposable thumbs.”

 

“I Crave Negative Attention”

It’s self-explanatory and, I suspect, damned accurate.

 

“Hopefully, I’ll grow out of it.”

Both literally and figuratively. I like this one and think it would work well for the more introspective and serious-minded young person.

 

“Hey! I’ll be living in my Parent’s Basement until I Die!”

The sooner you come to grips with it the better because last time I checked, wearing a “Smell my Finger” t-shirt was not only god damned ignorant, but also frowned upon in the workplace.

 

“Just Taking up Space”

Damned right you are. And a fair chunk of it too.

 

“I Fell on My Head a lot when I was a Child”

People might be inclined to find you less offensive if they were to understand that there is a reason for your being such a slack-jawed, mentally deficient, moron.

 

“Smack Some Sense into Me God Damn it”

Maybe, just maybe, someone will take the time to give you the whack in the head you need in order to get you out of those asinine t-shirts and back into decent society.

And even if they can’t, you deserve a cuff in the head for just being an idiot.

 

I hope that these suggestions will be helpful to you young folks. The other option is to start wearing white oxfords and stop dressing like oversexed, undereducated assclowns.

Damned young people. They make me crazy.

135 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:23 am

    Hi Don
    I’m still laughing! Well done Don.
    This one is almost as good as the pie charts!!

    rfl

  2. 12:33 am

    This is funnier than hell! I love it!

    • 5:21 pm

      That’s very kind of you to say wordnerd45.

      And welcome too. Hope to see you back again.

      All the best,

      Don

  3. 12:54 am

    Don

    Funny stuff agreed, when I was coming up if you didnt wear or own a collared shirt you were a moron. Kids today think being a moron is funny, great thing about being Navy is that all my guys and gals wear respectable clothes when they are suppose to. I dont think I owned stupid tshirts, kids today dont understand to be taken seriously you dress accordingly. I am kind of surprised about the (GOD DAMN) thing though. I sense you are a little older and you would be a little easier on the maker, but maybe thats me being a little sensitive..either way funny post and I COMPLETELY AGREE FOR ONCE. Zman sends

    • 5:28 pm

      Zman!

      Agree with me? Completely? Hard to believe, Zman, hard to believe. Are you familiar the term “gaslighting.” Because I wonder if maybe you’re playing mind games with an old man? I just can’t figure you out…

      Regardless, you’re speaking my kind of language today, Zman, and it’s nice to see. “Kids today think being a moron is funny” pretty much sums my feelings up perfectly! Well said.

      I have a feeling you’re going to take me task on the next one. Looking forward to it.

      Best regards

      Don

  4. 12:59 am

    Oh, dear, Mr. Mills, that last one would be way too provocative to a slowly smoldering fiftysomething lady weightlifter who is already in a state of general piss-off about the general lack of consideration and sub-fusc average IQ that she sees around her.

    An actual verbal incitement? The newspapers would not be able to get enough of what I would probably do.

    • 5:30 pm

      Thanks Sledpress,

      I have to admit I’d be interested in knowing what you’d do. Nothing but bad news and sex in the newspaper nowadays anyhow.

      I might even be convinced to visit that god damned “youtube” if someone got it on tape.

      All the best,

      Don

  5. David permalink
    1:21 am

    “Just Taking up Space” Damned right you are. And a fair chunk of it too.

    Excellent.

  6. sensico permalink
    1:40 am

    I love the, “Hopefully, I’ll grow out of it.” slogan. It seems to sum up everything. I also can’t stand when people wear dumb slogans on their t-shirts, it definitely makes me look the other way to a more, “grown up” man. But, at least, “My Other Shirt is a Burger King Uniform” means he has a job LOL

    • 5:38 pm

      My dear Sensico,

      So nice to see you back. Hope you’re keeping well. It’s the really offensive ones that drive me bonkers. Quite honestly, a couple of years back I decided to go to the local zoo (I enjoy the otters tremendously).

      I usually try to go when there aren’t going to be a lot of children around but somehow I got my timing wrong and I when I showed up the place was crawling with them. You couldn’t swing a dead cat without hitting some rugrat.

      Anyway, I was watching the otters when I see this young doofus pushing a stroller and wearing an “I’m a Vaginatarian” t-shirt. At the public zoo! On bring a truckload of kids day! Surrounded by children. I can’t imagine what the gentlemen will wear when you goes to parent/teacher night.

      Anyway, thanks for visiting. Always nice to have you stop in.

      Best regards,

      Don

  7. 2:08 am

    Oh, and just to make you sputter, Don, you have an award at my place, come around.

    • 5:39 pm

      Many thanks sledpress,

      That’s damned nice of you. I’ll be over straight away. Just have to find my keys.

      Don

  8. 3:16 am

    Awesome list! Actually made me laugh out loud. Thanks!

  9. 3:32 am

    I just wear shirts with LEDs on the back. The flashing lights are known to increase epileptic “incidents” with the elderly people that don’t like my other shirts.

    Cardigans are dead.

    • 5:46 pm

      Hey there morethananelectrician,

      I’m really getting to like you, lad. You’re damned funny and helpful to boot. I appreciated the advice on the knob and tube wiring and have my electrician friend Skip Shand coming over later this week to take a peek.

      Unfortunately, he’s an old bastard so I doubt he’ll accept stories of days at the abbatoir as payment. If I know Skippy, he’ll want a bottle of scotch or cold hard cash.

      And you’re damned wrong about Cardigans. In fact, you should get one with you name on it and use it as your uniform for work. If electricians wore cardigans people would be more inclined to trust them. There’s some free advice from me to you!

      All the best

      Don

  10. Lily permalink
    5:02 am

    Dear Donald,

    Once again, your brilliance and hilarity shines!

    I very easily thought of several more tee shirt sayings for young people.

    “I Really Am as Dumb as I Look”

    “Biodegradable Fertilizer”

    “You Can Find Stupid Between Assclown and Zombie in the Dictionary”

    “Certifiable Asshat”

    “I’m As Stupid As I Was Yesterday”

    “I Fail”

    “This T Shirt Wearer is 100% Moronic”

    “Shoot Me Before I Breed”

    “This Shirt Doesn’t Make Sense And Neither do I”

    “My Mom Forgot to Abort Me”

    I could go on and on ad nauseum …

    All the very best,

    Lily Fossil

    • Lily permalink
      5:21 am

      * shine, not “shines”

    • 7:01 am

      “Shoot Me Before I Breed”

      Well done, Ms. Fossil.

      • Lily permalink
        8:26 am

        Dear Alan,

        Kind of you to say so. Thank you.

        best wishes,

        Lily Fossil

      • 11:47 am

        “Shoot me before I breed” Isn’t premature shooting the cause of most breeding?

    • Sandy permalink
      7:56 am

      😆 ← I know that’s a pretty weird smile, but it’s the best I could do in the smiley world :O)

    • 5:50 pm

      Thank you Lily,

      Excellent additions to the list. Each and every one.

      “You Can Find Stupid Between Assclown and Zombie in the Dictionary” is wonderful and “Shoot me before I breed” is nothing less than damned inspired.

      AS Alantru said, “Well done, Ms. Fossil.”

      Thanks for brightening my morning.

      Don

    • 1:28 am

      I must say Lily – I think your list is hilarious and almost funnier (sorry Don)than Don’s list.

      Well Done!

      RLP

      • Lily permalink
        2:09 am

        Dear Mr RLP,

        That is very kind of you to say so, but my intention was not to upstage Mr Mills at all.

        I find Donald’s blog very inspiring; a catalyst if you like. He has a precious gift, not only to sustain a brilliant and very funny blog but to extract some very humorous comments from others.

        His blog warms the cockles of an my cranky old woman’s heart, in a world devoid of much to laugh about.

        All credit belongs to Donald.

        Kind regards,

        Lily Fossil

  11. legeant permalink
    5:21 am

    “teach me to use my opposable thumbs.” Well said, Don. But they seem to be able to use their thumbs for other things, like injecting drugs, hitching rides, manipulating video game controllers, or
    t.p.-ing senior citizen’s houses. They really don’t deserve their thumbs since they only use them for evil and never for good. Perhaps we should start a movement to take thumbs away from anyone under 40, and let them revert to the damned thumbless sloths that they seem to want to be anyway.

    All the best,

    Le Geant

    • 5:52 pm

      Thanks Le Geant,

      I have to say that I really like the way your mind works.

      Give me that petition, I’ll sign it twice.

      Don

  12. downcastmysoul permalink
    5:42 am

    Mine would say:

    “These are not my eyes, look up.”

    For “young people”

    “ASSCLOWN UNIVERSITY”

    • 5:56 pm

      Many thanks downcastmysoul,

      The lads still giving you grief? Remember, just say the word I’ll head on down to your work and start caning butt. (I don’t think I can kick butt anymore)

      Just give me lots of notice. It might take a while to get there, I can’t find my glasses and I don’t like to get the Buick up over 27 mph.

      Assclown University? Can’t imagine what kind of courses they would offer there.

      All the best

      Don

      • downcastmysoul permalink
        6:24 pm

        Remember the Singapore caning case with that lad of the 1990s? It’ll put the fear of God in the boys, Don.

  13. 5:52 am

    “My Other Shirt is a Burger King Uniform”

    Just because it makes me chuckle damn it.

    Oh my Don, that one made me chuckle too, damn it.

    Okay I admit it, they all made me giggle. Damn it.

    And Miss Lily, “My mom forgot to abort me”? That one is rough.

    How about a shirt that says, “I’ve been wearing this shirt for three weeks.”

    or
    “I don’t have a job so all I can afford is this lousy t-shirt.”

    • Lily permalink
      8:12 am

      Dear Ms Claire,

      I’m sorry if I offended you.

      Lily Fossil

      • 5:58 pm

        Miss Lily! My dear, you have never, and would never, offend me! I found your suggestions to be sheer genius!

    • 5:59 pm

      Thanks Claire,

      And nice additions as well.

      I tried a variation on the “lousy t-shirt” theme but all I could come up with was:

      My parents were brother and sister and all they gave me was a genetic predisposition toward wearing lousy and offensive t-shirts.

      Doesn’t exactly trip off the tongue.

      Alway nice to see you Claire. Hope the boys are well and staying out of trouble.

      Don

      • 10:50 pm

        I think a shirt that says, “My parents were brother and sister” says it all, Don.

        About the boys, if they haven’t been in front of your house lately, then all is good. I think you really put a scare into them when you almost hit the oldest one with your car.

        • 11:04 pm

          A buick LaSabre is an intimidating vehicle, Claire. Especially in Maroon.

          (And I suspect you are right on the abbreviated t-shirt. You do any freelance editing? I tend to ramble.)

          Don

  14. 7:49 am

    I’d like to wear one of those on t shirt friday next week…..

    • 6:04 pm

      Thanks Nursemyra,

      I can’t imagine that any of those slogans would appeal to (or apply to)you.

      Don

  15. Sandy permalink
    7:53 am

    OMgosh , quit it, i never laughed so hard in such a long time! Between you and Lily I don’t know who’s funnier. Gosh you gotta admit these are funny ! “I Really Am as Dumb as I Look” and “I’m As Stupid As I Was Yesterday”

    Please stop it, I’m laughing too hard! But enjoying it! thanks for the laugh you two! But Don have to give it to you, “My Other Shirt is a Burger King Uniform” and of course I could list them all!

    Too much! Again, thanks so much for the laughs! Gotta love you two!

    And to Claire – if you saw the right person wearing that shirt that would say: “My mom forgot to abort me” Oh you know it’s funny!

    All I can say Don is that you must live next to a whole flock of them!

    I’m still laughing and my shoulders are actually moving up and down! Thanks again ~ laughter really is the best medicine!

    love ya! ♥♥♥

    • Lily permalink
      8:50 am

      Dear Sandy,

      It WOULD be funny if it wasn’t so damned serious.

      Kind regards,

      Lily Fossil

      ps Just for you, here is another one

      “Evolved?… Not Me”

      • 6:10 pm

        Thanks Sandy,

        Awfully generous comment and I appreciate it. I do, in fact, live next to a whole damned flock (or is it murder?) of young people. Just last night I was woken up at 2 a.m. as a small group had a scholarly debate on who was more “f***ing wasted, “Kyle” or “Wayne.”

        Apparently Kyle won.

        Needless to say, I’m not well rested today and wishing I knew where “Kyle” lived so I could go stand at his bedroom window and scream at him for a while.

        All the best,

        Don

  16. 9:15 am

    Donald, I think you are just terrific, and funnier than the bee’s knees!!

    I saw a t-shirt the other day that tied into your last two essays. Just outside the barber shop a young hooligan was wearing a t-shirt that said “master-bator” I didn’t pay it no mind until my buddy Clide explained to me what it meant. Well I tell ya it made me want to knock that cigarette (it was probably The Marijuana) right out of his mouth. Now they’re pairing the smut with the t-shirts. But now you came along and gave me a good laugh at the whole thing. You even got me thinking of a few of your witty slogans for t-shirts…..

    “I’ve proven Darwin wrong”
    “Glass is shiny!”
    “If I’m off my leash, please call my handler”
    “Product of a lost country”
    “Palin 2012”
    Before anybody gets their shorts in a bunch; I was only having a laugh with the last one. Everyone knows it was the God damned Clintons that ruined this country. Anyway thanks for the laughs!

    • 6:15 pm

      Hello Scott and thanks for the comment – it made me laugh so loud that my personal support worker, Hattie, came banging on the door asking me if something was wrong.

      All of your suggestions are damned fine but the one that made me laugh the most was “Glass is Shiny!” There is just something about it that makes me chuckle.

      Thanks very much for stopping in.

      Don

  17. 9:17 am

    why can’t they rent out advertising space on their t-shirts? if they all walked around wearing shirts extolling the virtues of extenze or viagra, i wouldn’t have to sit here at night listening to those f^¢*ing commercials with guys nobody would want to sleep with talking about how much bigger their little weewees got, or hearing some middle-aged buffoons pretending they’re elvis while singing viva viagra! and, while we’re at it, what the hell’s with all the outdoor bathtubs with no plumbing? how many people have bathtubs on mountains or overlooking a lake? and why would sitting in outdoor bathtubs make people feel horny? the tubs are probably filled with dead leaves that go up your ass when you’re sitting on them, and the hard porcelain of the tubs themselves would probably rub against your spine and make your tailbone hurt like hell! what were we talking about? oh, yeah. kids should wear something other than t-shirts with dumb slogans on them.

    • 6:17 pm

      Thanks Nonnie,

      Must be something in the air today because the damned comments people are leaving are funnier than hell.

      “Why would sitting in outdoor bathtubs make people feel horny? the tubs are probably filled with dead leaves that go up your ass when you’re sitting on them.”

      That’s damned straight talk, Nonnie!

      Thanks for the laugh,

      Don

  18. 11:49 am

    LOSTL! Mr Mills! Those Tshirt slogans are fantastic! And true too! LOSTL!

    I know a few guys that wear those tshirts and they make me redder with embarassment every now and again. Although, my friend Timmy wants to put “LOSTL” on a tshirt and walk around town with it on! HES CRAZY!

    I dont think you can get any better than a green suit and a woolen vest with white shirt. Thats what i wear and its comfortable AND classy! The wool vest works nicely in winter time!

    I hope you wear comfortable slacks with a well knit cardigan to keep you warm in winter!

    Bob

    • 9:19 pm

      Many thanks young Bob and nice to see you.

      You have a fine flair for fashion, Bob, and more young people would be smart to follow your lead. A good suit, decent haircut and white shirt will always serve you well.

      (And I can think of no finer piece of clothing than a good cardigan. I wear one year round.)

      You’re a good lad, Bob Trusty. All my best to your dear mother.

      Don Mills

  19. 11:50 am

    Hey old fart…I love wearing my slogan tshirts. In fact I got one I am wearing today especially for you.

    http://www.cafepress.com/wacksack.71732709

    • 9:28 pm

      Jesus Christ, Bearman, you can’t be serious? What the Hell is wrong with you, lad?

      It must be a damned cartoonist thing. There hasn’t been a decent comic strip in this country since George Herriman’s Krazy Kat. Nowadays it’s all oversized boobs (and I’m talking about the cartoonists!) and depressed superheroes.

      Do the decent thing, Bearman. Hang up your damned t-shirts and start drawing decent cartoons like Buck Rogers and Little Orphan Annie. The world will love you for it.

      Best regards,

      Don

    • 6:02 pm

      Brilliant!!

  20. Ravikant permalink
    2:13 pm

    Nice and funny, Mr. Mills.
    bearmancartoons, you are just one of the stupid f***s that Mr. Mills is talking about. And, the t-shirt that you are going to wear will make you look more of a stereotypical asshat and act like a repellent.

    • 2:40 pm

      How come I have to come to others blogs to find the love. Thanks Ravikant!! But now I can’t decide if I should get a Stupid Fuck tshirt or one that says Stereotypical Asshat. Either way, I will wear it with pride.

    • 9:30 pm

      Many thanks Ravikant but don’t be too hard on the Bearman. He’s just a tad misguided- I’m sure he’ll come around.

      All he best my friend.

      Don

  21. Explicit permalink
    2:51 pm

    It’s not just the shirts sir, the whole wardrobe needs to be improved. I witnessed a kid who couldn’t have been older than 16, wearing a hat that literally said “F*k U”, the other week while I was at the bank. Mixed with his long hippie hair and pants hanging off his ass, I wanted nothing more than to backhand the punk. Very nice shirt ideas, though, I would love to hand them out at the local high school.

    • 9:33 pm

      Many thanks Explicit and welcome.

      That’s a damned charming hat you describe. I saw a shirt not too long ago that said “overworked and underf***ed” and had much the same reaction. The world needs more good backhands to the heads of misguided idiots.

      Nice of you to stop in. Hope you’ll visit with me again.

      Don

  22. Gerard permalink
    4:15 pm

    Good post, Don. Although there are plenty of funny T-Shirts out there, many are inappropriate. I think the two most “offensive” shirts that I own are “Here I am, now what were your other two wishes?” and “I’m getting so Irish tonight”. The latter is definitely worse, but I don’t even wear it anymore. For the record, I’m part Irish lol.

    I don’t have much to add to this one. People should start dressing more appropriately.

    Gerard

    • 9:40 pm

      Many thanks Gerard and nice to see you again.

      You’re t-shirts are pretty mild compared to others that I’ve seen but I’d still recommend that you leave them behind when you are packing for college. You’ll want to make a good first impression on your teachers and the others students.

      Good to hear from you lad.

      Don

  23. Friar permalink
    5:14 pm

    Excellent list, Don.

    I would have loved to see the word “Ass clown” somewhere.

    But I realize that’s a special word to be used sparingly. We don’t’ want to over-use it and reduce its significance.

    • 9:43 pm

      Friar! Good to see you son.

      Hope all is well in North-east Ontario. You getting any summer up there? It’s been miserable down here.

      And you’re right, of course, it’s tempting to break out “assclown” on a regular basis but I do try to save it for special occasions.

      I love that damned word.

      All the best,

      Don

  24. 8:59 pm

    Don, after reading your suggestions on t-shirts slogans I’m pretty sure a forthcoming one from the mind of a young is:

    I Love Jesus, But I Hate Donald Mills

    I’ll keep on going jogging with my beat up Donald Mills is The Man

    • 10:50 pm

      Nice to see you Ivan,

      I can’t imagine any young person is going to be interested in splashing my name across a t-shirt. Not when you’ve got great titles like “Ask me about my explosive diarrhea.” I just couldn’t compete.

      Agradável para vê-lo outra vez meu amigo. Você deve-me o dinheiro! 3 dólares americanos.

      Don

      • 2:54 am

        Sorr y to tell but my business enterprise is with a man named Ram. Ram has suddenly disappeared. I called the information service of Gravel Bay Penitentiary and they informed that the man is on the run. If you know his whereabouts tell him that I invested his CANADIAN 3 dollars as we consented on the dogfighting championship. As I had said I would do I bet all his 3 and my 3 bucks on this underdog mutt Stinky and we both made 3000 out of the 3. I’ll give him until Wednesday to show up so we can discuss the means to transfer his profit. If he doesn’t get in touch with me I’ll bet all this fortune on the upcoming fight on Thursday. I feel lucky!

        Um forte abraço, meu querido amigo Don.

  25. 9:18 pm

    Don, how do you not have a book deal? Or do you? Your writing and flair for comedy are consistently top notch! If your shirts actually existed I think I’d wear them ironically just to poke fun at the people who wear these “clever” shirts seriously.

    Also, I don’t want to make things awkward for anyone here, but am I the only one who thinks Don and Lily Fossil really need to get together for a cup of coffee? Sparks could fly, I’m telling you…

    • 10:54 pm

      You’re very kind Perry and I appreciate the kind words. I can assure you that I have neither a book deal not a t-shirt business – just a hell of lot of time on my hands.

      All the best,

      Don

    • Lily permalink
      11:07 pm

      Dear Mr Perry,

      I could think of nothing I would like more than meeting Donald for a cup of coffee and a chin wag.

      However, as I’m in Australia and I’m presuming Mr Mills is in America, I feel 10,000 miles ( approximately 16,000 kms) is just a bit far to go for a cup of coffee and it would surely be cold by the time I got there.

      Yours Sincerely,

      Lily Fossil

  26. 9:51 pm

    Don, Every time I visit I am more amazed by the way your mind works. You are a fascinating character, Mr. Mills, and I mean that in a good way.

    Unfortunately, you are right…this t-shirt issue does not discriminate when it comes to gender.

    True story, a few years ago I was an ESL teacher in Guadalajara. I had this one student, Juan, who was a total hoodlum, and his parents would force him to come to class even though he had no interest whatsoever in learning English. He would spend the whole class sitting in the back row, rocking on the hind legs of his chair and making jokes in his native Guadalajaran language.

    One day, he strutted into class wearing a tight red t-shirt that read “I Have a Vagina So I Make all the Rules”.

    Needless to say, I was appalled. And a little confused.

    I’m not sure what became of him, but I’m assuming that by now he’s either getting his ass kicked on a regular basis by the guys who actually paid attention in my class, or performing as a Shakira impersonator. Either way, I hope he’s smartened up.

    Your faithful aficionado,

    Bschooled

    • 11:02 pm

      It’s always nice to have you stop in Bschooled.

      I enjoyed your story greatly and thank you for sharing it. Sounds like quite an experience and quite a young man. I hope he’s smartened up too but, to be honest, I’m not inclined toward optomism in his case.

      Thanks for visiting, Bschooled. Always a pleasure to hear from you.

      Don

  27. 9:57 pm

    Saw a shirt today that said, “My Parents Went Online And All They Brought Me Back Was Some Guy Named Don Website”

    Like I’m wearing that shirt anytime soon!

    • 10:41 pm

      Thanks Russheare,

      Now that’s a damned t-shirt I can get behind. And you should too!

      Suitable for all occasions, I suspect.

      Nice of you to visit.

      All the best,

      Don

  28. 10:05 pm

    Dear Donald,

    In my limited time here on planet America I have gathered some concluding facts about young people, and no fact more crucial and important than understanding that what fuels today’s generation is Irony.

    Yes, irony is very cool. In fact, it has become so cool to be ironic, it’s now cool to be un-ironic in an ironic way. I know that this might sound odd, or worse, it might sound like I stole my dad’s crack pipe yet again before logging in today, but if you ever spend a few hours / days amongst young urban Hipsters, my words – I hope – will make more sense.

    Perfectly seasoned and ripe for the taking,
    Frankelstache

    • 10:39 pm

      Thank you Frankelstache,

      I hold your views in high regard, young man, and as such am prepared to give entertain the notion that somehow “irony” has a role to play in this unfortunate phenomenon.

      Truth to told, though, I don’t see anything ironic about a shit-faced twenty year old staggering through the Winn-Dixie with a t-shirt that says “She’s Fat. I’m Drunk. It’s On.” To me, that shirt seems to line up pretty much literally with the young man’s frail attempt at thought. The only potential for irony would be if a group of plus size woman were to see his stupid shirt and beat the snot out of him right there and then.

      In fact, in my experience, the louts wearing these damned shirts seem to be using them to express exactly what little is on their minds. To me, it’s not irony, it’s wearing your damned Id on the front of your shirt.

      I could be wrong. And I’d sure be welcome to any explanation you might be able to provide.

      You’re a good lad, Frankelstache. Keep it seasoned.

      Don

  29. YellowRoses610 permalink
    2:01 am

    Dear Mister Millers,
    After a stressful day with my mother and troublesome brother in his thirties you once more cheer me up. Thank you, your humor goes well with a nice nightcap.

    I do how ever own a few tee-shirts with humorous sayings, but I only buy ones that will not offend or bother people. For example I may wear a tee-shirt with a quote from a book I like, or with a witty little saying. I would however of course wear a dress shirt out to a nice dinner, probably with a vest and nice slacks or shirt.

    Also I have a few tee-shirt ideas.

    “I am compensating for a small penis.”

    “I left my sense of decency at home.”

    And

    “Yes, I am a hoodlum.”

    Sincerely yours,
    Rose.

    P.S I hope this is nto forward, but I would like to take you out to coffee some day, you sound like you would be a riot to hang out with,assuming you could tolerate my youth.

    • 2:20 am

      Thank you for the comment, YellowRoses610, and for your comments of yesterday as well.

      I’ve been a tad negligent in my responses but I did read them and appreciate your sharing your views.

      I suppose I should confess at this point that I also own a t-shirt with some writing on it. It was a “gag” gift from my brother, York, and has the words “It Wisnae Me” written on it. It’s meant to be a Scottish amusement but I’ve never taken it out of its packaging.

      As for coffee, YellowRoses610, I don’t get out much anymore but I appreciate the offer. I “hang out” here these days and take the occasional trip to the Winn Dixie or Walmart but beyond that, I’m pretty much a homebody. Based on your comments, however, I’m quite sure I could tolerate your youth.

      All the best and I hope you’ll visit again.

      Don

      • YellowRoses610 permalink
        3:31 am

        Perhaps I can make up for my youth by having read a great deal and doing old people things like needed reading glasses,and sometimes a walking stick, alond with having a taste for whisky sours?

        And if you do not like coffee, provived you live some what close,we could go out for tea, I know a wonderfull english tea room which caters to older people.

      • York Mills permalink
        4:42 am

        Hee hee…

        “It Wisnae Me”

        Hee hee!

  30. 2:35 am

    Funny Don, my fav is “I Went to the State Fair and All I Got was Type 2 Diabetes.”

  31. 4:53 am

    These are all great ideas, Don. And that includes your many fine commenters. Perhaps you could get a few million of these printed up with the stimulus money and have D.A.R.E. hand them out as sobriety prizes or shoot them out of phallicly-shaped cannons during the Jonas Bros.’ community service tour.

    The kids won’t know what hit them, and their grasp on irony being about as firm as their grasp on meaningful employment, the streets should be filled with walking punchlines in no time.

    We’ll assure them that we’re “making fun of with them.”

    • 2:12 am

      We’re not lauphing at you, we’re … well, yes, we ARE laughing at you.”

    • 4:24 pm

      Many thanks young liontamer.

      Quite an excellent notion you have there. I for one would be happy to light the fuse on that t-shirt cannon (though the phallic aspect is of some concern).

      All the best,

      Don

  32. Lynn permalink
    11:38 pm

    “just taking up space”…now that’s good. i wonder if that’s actually on a shirt…or in yoour head, brilliant!

    • 4:25 pm

      Thank you kindly, Lynn.

      Always nice to have you stop in. Could well be on a t-shirt. There’s certainly a large enough target audience.

      Best regards,

      Don

  33. 1:17 am

    WordNerd sent me you way and I haven’t stopped laughing since. I must admit to wearing what someone euphemistically called “attitude T-shirts,” so maybe I should be laughing at myself. (Although I like to think my T-shirts are wittier and don’t rely on profanity.)

    What about “(Insert something witty here)” or maybe “Argument for retroactive abortion.”

    • 4:27 pm

      Welcome Bill and thanks for the comment.

      I’ll have to remember to thank Wordnerd for sending you my way. Good suggestions. I particularly like “(insert something witty here).” It works on a couple of levels, doesn’t it?

      All the best,

      Don

  34. zeusiswatching permalink
    1:23 am

    “My Other Shirt is a Burger King Uniform”

    Just because it makes me chuckle damn it.

    Now that’s cruel. I owe you a beer.

    • 4:29 pm

      Thanks zeusiswatching.

      Cruel? Perhaps just a little but I couldn’t help myself.

      I’ll hold you that beer. (I prefer Ale over Lager.)

      Best,

      Don

  35. 1:31 am

    Hey Don, what about:

    “Evolutionary U-Turn”

    “Idiot in Search of Missing Village”

    “My Parents Procreated for This?” (has this one been used? I can’t remember)

    Hi Bill!

    The Nerd

    • 4:30 pm

      Greetings Wordnerd,

      And living up to your name as well! Excellent suggestions. We may have the start of a nice little cottage industry here.

      Idiot in Search of Missing Village is damned funny.

      All the best,

      Don

  36. 1:33 am

    “I’m the ejaculate my daddy warned you about”

    Okay, that’s a bit over the top. But, funny!

    The Nerd

  37. 1:41 am

    How about: “Rebel without a clue!”

    (Hi Nerd.)

  38. 1:46 am

    “Sporks Confuse Me”

    “Eye phayled fonix”

  39. 1:47 am

    “Fashion By San Quentin”

  40. 1:49 am

    “I suck THHHHHHHIS much”

  41. 1:50 am

    “Too Stupid to Pour Piss From a Boot”

  42. 2:48 am

    “Will F*ck for Extra Cell Phone Minutes”

    “Hey Hot Chick, Sext Me!”

  43. 2:51 am

    “Tweet this, Beeyotch!”

    • 4:32 pm

      My God,

      You’re really going to town, Wordnerd. I can tell you have a knack for this (and considerable flair as well).

      “Eye phayled fonix” is the hands down winner as far as I’m concerned.

      Many thanks to you and Bill. Excellent ideas.

      Don

      • 5:52 pm

        Why thanks, Don! I feel as though I have “finally arrived” here — whoo hoo!

        It’s pretty hard to outdo you and Lilly, though…What I have in creativity, I lack in life experience. Although, I do have teenagers (check out my About The Nerd bio on my blog: http://www.wordnerd45.wordpress.com). You’ll find I’m actually pretty proud of the little buggers — my own, that is.

        Still you are one of the FUNNIEST people I have read on the internet! I LOVE your way of thinking.

        In fact, I’ve “borrowed” that ascerbic attitude and used a bit of it for some of my rants. I’m getting ready to rant about something I saw on Judge Judy today. Wow with that — just wow!

        If you have some spare time (as in, finished answering the montage of comments flying your way), check out my blog. I’d love some feedback from you as to whether or not I’ve become enough of a hardened b*ch over the state of today’s parenting.

        See ya around!

        The Nerd

  44. 3:24 am

    Donald Mills and Lily have excellent slogans. The best I could come up with is “If you can read this, you’re better educated than I am.”

    • 4:34 pm

      Thanks Ahmnodt,

      I had no idea this post would result in so many excellent suggestions but I’m damn pleased with the results. I like your idea as well. An alternative might be “If you can read this shirt, please tell me what it says!”

      All the best

      Don

  45. magickfaerie permalink
    7:18 am

    Now, I do have to say that I agree with you in some cases. Sometimes the shirts are funny– like at a party or something– but generally they’re offensive.

    One that is rather funny– but only when there are actually no children around– says “How dare I wear this fucking shirt in front of your goddamn kids!”

    Now, I saw this one on a tattoo artist in his shop so no harm done. Not too long ago I saw it again on a man walking around in Wal-Mart. Now, I know Wal-Mart isn’t a den on literacy but surely some kid read that and went “Mommy, what does that shirt mean?” or worse, tried to read it by sounding it out loud.

    I like humor as much as the next girl, but really? Do people have no tact?

  46. 2:30 pm

    Why isn’t here a t-shirt with “You damn kids get the hell off my lawn!” printed on it?

    • 3:56 pm

      Why take away the simple pleasure of yelling “You damn kids get the hell off my lawn!” from someone. Besides, they may be hard of hearing, but their voice works just fine!

      • 9:47 pm

        Who said we’d take away senior citizens’ privilege of yelling by printing the message on a shirt? Seeing how dense kids are nowadays, I’d say they still won’t get the damn point if it’s screamed at them and read at the same time.

        I really want a lwan. And a moat.

        • 12:05 am

          Thanks TJ. I’ve always wanted as moat as well.

          Don

          • 9:09 am

            I somehow knew you’d get along with that idea. When I retire I’ll look into the idea of an electrified picket fence as well.

            -TJ

  47. 5:23 pm

    I see an opportunity here, selling T-shirts to people who don’t get the joke. (Is this taking advantage of the disadvantaged?)

    “If my mom and dad get a divorce are they still brother and sister?” — as seen on Jerry Springer

  48. 11:17 pm

    “My gerbil slipped its wheel”

    “Step back if you’re allergic to stupid”

    “Stupid is as I do”

  49. 11:20 pm

    “I may be dumb, but I’m not pretty”

  50. 11:23 pm

    “One chromosome short of a fully evolved human”

  51. 11:24 pm

    “Diluted the gene pool”

  52. 11:25 pm

    “My DNA doesn’t go all the way to the end”

  53. 11:26 pm

    “My DNA chain developed a kink in it”

  54. 11:32 pm

    “Clogged the intelligence pool”

    “Lost my battle in the intelligence arena”

    “My Superhero name is ‘Major Stupidity'”

    “If intelligence had an army, I’d be the ‘major idiot”

  55. 11:37 pm

    “Still stupid, different day”

    I hope that isn’t too close to the other one, Don! (Lilly)

    “I have a Ph.D. in Moronics”

    The Nerd

  56. Mystsong permalink
    11:41 pm

    I do find the odd snarky shirt slogan quite amusing. But there is a time and place for such things. One of my favorites is the “How to keep an idiot busy” shirt, which has the afore mentioned line printed on the front and back, with each side referring you to the other. Sadly, I have indeed seen people flip such shirts back and forth for nearly five minutes before getting it.

    This post and all the additional suggestions were quite entertaining.

    • 12:17 am

      Thank you, Mystsong, and welcome.

      I see you’ve left a number of comments. I appreciate your taking the time to read some of my older posts and look forward to reading the balance of your comments.

      I see you were somewhat put off by the “disorders” post and I’m sorry if that was the case. I do want you to know, however, that it was certainly not my intent to dismiss serious mental health issues or belittle individuals suffering from mental health problems.

      Anyway, I appreciate your stopping in and hope to hear from you again. You strike me as a decent young person.

      All the best

      Don

  57. YellowRoses610 permalink
    2:47 am

    Dear Mister Mills,

    I can vouche for her as decent young person, she even makes me look like a wil;d young person.

    Rose

  58. 10:29 pm

    I just found your blog through one of those 6 degrees of separation things and I can see why you were recommended. I sure don’t NEED any new blogs to read, but hot-diggity, I’m going to add you to my blogroll anyway.

  59. 8:35 pm

    Exactly!😀

  60. 7:27 pm

    Donald these shirt ideas are great! I might just have an job opening with my t-shirt company for an 84 year old with a good head on his shoulders.

  61. 1:51 pm

    I have found I must stop myself from reading any more today! Love your observations, sense of humor, way with words! Just can’t laugh anymore right away!

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