Affronts to Old People #3: Damned Young People and Their Rude T-Shirts
(Recently, I expressed my distaste for sweatpants with offensive words written across the ass. Since that post was directed at the ladies, I felt it was only fair to take aim at the god damned crude t-shirts the young lads wear.)
One of the most outrageous assaults young people have committed on common decency has to be the practice of wearing t-shirts with damned offensive slogans scrawled across them.
I see them everywhere. Young men walking around with inane and distasteful things like “Vaginatarian” and “Down with Panties” written on their shirts.
Just this morning I was confronted by the sight of some moron wearing a t-shirt that said “All this and a Huge Dick.”
Now, while I’m quite sure he is a huge dick, I stand by my assertion that if you hope to attract a mate by writing rude things across your chest you’re likely going to die without ever having known the touch of a woman.
I may not be able to stop this horrible practice, but I would like to suggest that if you are going to continue, you at least write something on your shirts that makes some damned sense. I suggest any one of the following 10 options:
“I’m Not Amusing So My T-shirt Needs to Pull up the Slack”
If the only way you can get a laugh is by having “Ass – the other Tight meat” written on your shirt, I think we can all safely assume you’re no Mark Twain or Noel Coward. You may not find my slogan as amusing, but perhaps a half-witty t-shirt is a better fit for you in the long-run anyway.
“I’m with Stupid”
File this under truth in advertising. Plus, you likely already own the shirt. All you need is a black marker and you’re good to go.
“My Other Shirt is a Burger King Uniform”
Just because it makes me chuckle damn it.
“I Haven’t Mastered the Art of Buttons”
Face it – the only reason you’re walking around in a crass t-shirt day and night it is to draw attention away from the fact that you’ve never learned how to button up a shirt. An alternative slogan would be “teach me to use my opposable thumbs.”
“I Crave Negative Attention”
It’s self-explanatory and, I suspect, damned accurate.
“Hopefully, I’ll grow out of it.”
Both literally and figuratively. I like this one and think it would work well for the more introspective and serious-minded young person.
“Hey! I’ll be living in my Parent’s Basement until I Die!”
The sooner you come to grips with it the better because last time I checked, wearing a “Smell my Finger” t-shirt was not only god damned ignorant, but also frowned upon in the workplace.
“Just Taking up Space”
Damned right you are. And a fair chunk of it too.
“I Fell on My Head a lot when I was a Child”
People might be inclined to find you less offensive if they were to understand that there is a reason for your being such a slack-jawed, mentally deficient, moron.
“Smack Some Sense into Me God Damn it”
Maybe, just maybe, someone will take the time to give you the whack in the head you need in order to get you out of those asinine t-shirts and back into decent society.
And even if they can’t, you deserve a cuff in the head for just being an idiot.
I hope that these suggestions will be helpful to you young folks. The other option is to start wearing white oxfords and stop dressing like oversexed, undereducated assclowns.
Damned young people. They make me crazy.