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A “To Do” List for God Damned Young People

 

It seems to me that young people don’t accomplish a Hell of a great deal in a 24-hour period.

 

The Daily “To Do” List For God Damned Young People

Task

Done

Haul your ass out of bed at noon, scratch your furry ass and then start grousing that there isn’t a hot breakfast waiting for you.    

 

 

Eat anything that isn’t nailed to the floor and leave a filthy mess in the kitchen as a symbol of your outrage over “the unfairness of life.”  

 

 

Ride your damned skateboard around in front of a senior’s house. Spit every 7 seconds and make sure that every other word out of your mouth is an obscenity.    

 

 

Spend an hour in the shower in order to “decompress” from the stress of having to microwave your own breakfast and live rent free in your parents’ basement.    

 

 

Be ironic (but don’t understand why you are being ironic.)    

 

 

Send a “tweet” to let people know that you just passed gas and are considering chugging a soda.    

 

 

Sulk.   

 

 

Chat online with you idiot friends. Bitch and moan because you can’t find a $60 an hour entry level job as a video game tester. Consider becoming an “porn star” instead.    

 

 

Defile yourself.   

 

 

Open your bedroom windows and play god damned rap music so loud that the old man next door has to go inside, call the police and lie down with a damp washcloth on his head.    

 

 

Smoke reefers and watch cartoons in your underpants.    

 

 

Moan and complain.    

 

 

Complain and moan.    

 

 

Call your no account lazy-assed buddies and discuss possible names for the “band” you are going to form as soon as you learn how to play a musical instrument and master Guitar Hero.    

 

 

Demand that your parents give you more respect, autonomy, freedom and a drive to the Mall.    

 

 

Use your parents credit cards to buy things you don’t need, won’t use and that will be obsolete by the time you get them out of the package. 

 

 

“Hang out” with other reprobates. Loiter, shoplift and harass innocent old people who are shopping for reasonably priced socks.    

 

 

Spray paint your moronic “street name” on a bus stop, abandoned building or a pensioner’s white picket fence.    

 

 

Discuss how difficult it is to be “young today” while drinking $9 coffee, eating cinnamon buns and sexting.    

 

 

Call your parents, tell them they are “lame” and then demand that they pick you up and drive you home because you have a cramp in your leg and may be dying.    

 

 

Seek out opportunities to fornicate.    

 

 

Tell your family they are fascists just because they ask you to take your damned ball cap off at the dinner table.   

 

 

Post a picture of your pock-marked ass on your “Myspace” and “Facebook” pages.    

 

 

Stay up half the night insulting people in chat rooms and wondering why you’re “not getting anywhere in life.”    

 

 

Play video games, surf the internet , huff glue and pass out in your underpants at 4 a.m. with your headphones on.    

 

 

77 Comments leave one →
  1. 11:48 am

    I did admittedly pass out in my underpants around 4 a.m. But that was following one long, god damn hot and gruelling weekend at the foundry, so I think those beers were well earned, god damn it.

    Spot on again, Mr. Mills, and greetings from Norway.

    -TJ

    • 7:20 pm

      Mant thanks TJ.

      If you’re spending your weekends working in a foundry, I’d say you can be forgiven this small indiscretion.

      Always nice to hear from a hard-working lad from Norway.

      All the best,

      Don

      • 9:11 pm

        Two out of five weekends. With the weather we’ve had here these last few weeks, I’m just about ready to pass out even in shorts and sandals, throw molten metal, a hard hat, fireproof workwear, goggles, visor and safety shoes into the mix, and you’ve got one damn sweaty weekend. Having to instruct the summer workers(damn teenagers) on how not to kill yourself operating an induction furnace doesn’t help.

        • 12:24 pm

          Sounds like challenging work, lad. You’ve clearly earned your beer.

          All the best

          Don

          • 7:27 pm

            I wouldn’t exactly call it “challenging”(not intellectually, at least) but it’s good, solid old-fashioned work*. And you get to solve problems with a sledgehammer, which of course is an immensely effective way to vent frustration. It’s just this damn heatwave lately that’s getting to me.

            *You people of the young persuasion look it up in the dictionary. It’s why your parents leave the house at regular hours and the reason you have food, shelter and MacBooks to moan on the internet about how much your parents, room, food and computer sucks.

  2. 11:55 am

    Another great post from the world’s greatest curmudgeon (and that’s a compliment, coming from me)

  3. 1:05 pm

    Wow. That’s a comprehensive and accurate list. May I also add, go to the liquor store and try to pass off your brother’s driver license as your own?

    You’re certainly running the risk of having covered all the bases, with nothing left to curmudge about! I bet young people will think of some new devilment, though. It’s early yet.

    • 7:23 pm

      Thank you Joan of Argghh,

      Always nice to have you visit. I will most certainly add your suggestion to the list. I suspected that I might have missed and few and appreciate the reminder.

      And you can be damned sure that those young people will think of some new ways to rile me up. Every time I think I’m tapped I sit out on my front porch and 10 minutes later I’m fit to be tied.

      Best regards,

      Don

  4. 2:01 pm

    Wonderful list!!! I laughed too much and thank God I wasn’t drinking water. By the way, I am pleased to say that I have not accomplish any of those task on you list.

    • 7:25 pm

      Thank you Anonymously Secret,

      I appreciate the kind words. Glad too that you’re steering clear of the tasks included on my little list.

      All the best,

      Don

  5. 2:28 pm

    “Defile yourself”.

    HAHAHAH! That’s the best one!

    (Though sadly, it’s probably true!)

    • 7:26 pm

      Thanks Friar.

      There’s no doubt in my mind. The little buggers have sex on the brain.

      Don

  6. 2:35 pm

    #1 and #2 sound damn fine to me.

    As for #11; why did we never have cartoons in out underpants when we were young?

    • 7:51 pm

      Nice to see you Nobbly,

      I expect you’re pulling my leg a wee bit here. I’ve never met a cobbler that wasn’t up by 6 a.m. (and usually into the drink by 7)

      All the best,

      Don

    • 10:55 pm

      i was wondering the same thing myself. is that a new service with some cable providers?

  7. 2:40 pm

    Eat anything that isn’t nailed to the floor and leave a filthy mess in the kitchen as a symbol of your outrage over “the unfairness of life.”

    Actually, that’s first on my older son’s to-do list.

    • 7:52 pm

      Thanks Casey,

      I’m not surprised. It’s usually a priority task for the young folks.

      Thanks for visiting.

      Don

  8. zeusiswatching permalink
    3:26 pm

    “Haul your ass out of bed at noon, scratch your furry ass and then start grousing that there isn’t a hot breakfast waiting for you. ”

    If God wanted man to get up in the morning, he’d a put it later in the Day!

    • downcastmysoul permalink
      6:51 pm

      Amen brother.

    • 12:15 pm

      Sorry, Zeusiswatching, but I can’t agree with you there.

      Seems to me that the morning could be moved up a tad. Many’s a time I’m up and showered by 4:30 a.m. and having to wait for the sun to come up in order to enjoy my coffee and Bran flakes.

      Thanks for visiting.

      Don

  9. 3:46 pm

    You are a straight-shooter, Don…only your bow and arrow is disguised as a quill and ink.

    To be honest, if you didn’t bring up the mall rides and pock-mark picture on Facebook/My Space, I would have sworn you were talking about my Uncle Brian. He’s been sleeping on my couch ever since Grandma kicked him out for bringing his internet lady-friends (“lady” being a loose term–literally) home and entertaining them in the basement at all hours of the night. She has surprisingly good hearing for an 80-year old.

    Anyway, I forget my point, but if any of these punks start writing expletives on your white picket fence or harass you while you are buying reasonably priced socks, send them my way. Ever since I saw Gran Torino I have zero tolerance for that crap.

    SYNOF,
    Bschooled

    • 12:22 pm

      Many thanks Bschooled,

      I appreciate your offer of assistance but I think I have those spray-can wielding little misfits under control at the moment. It’s difficult and requires considerable vigilance but fortunately I have ample time on my hands.

      I might suggest, however, that you give your Grandma a hand in tossing that reprobate Uncle of yours out on his ear. He sounds like a dodgy character and one of those damned perpetual adolescents.

      Your poor Grandma doesn’t need to be living with that kind of nonsense going on under her roof. Especially at her age.

      All the best,

      Don

  10. 4:42 pm

    Crabby….I vote this…one of your best! ROFLMAO!!😀

    • 12:26 pm

      Many thanks yorksnbeans.

      That’s very kind of you to say.

      Don

      p.s. Is is just my imagination or are those damned smiley faces evolving? They look more sinister than ever.

  11. 6:40 pm

    Crabby Don…

    Yeah thats right all young people do those things…here is list for old people ..

    Stop stealing the ball when it rolls on to your lawn..
    Stop smelling like moth balls and cheese
    Stop Hanging out at the mall all day
    Stop calling the police when the music is barely audible but so loud it hurts your eardrums that you injured on your bustrip up to canada in the 60’s
    Stop taking up space (REPORT TO THE FACTORY – FOR CONVERSION INTO FOOD) SOYLENT GREEN – CHARLTON HESTON 70’S movies

    Don you blame young people for everything in the world. You talk like older folk have not screwed anything up ..ever….zman sends

    • 12:59 pm

      My good friend, Zman.

      I appreciate your starting into a list of grievences about old folks, son, but I’m afraid it is a bit of a generalization.

      Just to set the record straight:

      “Stop stealing the ball when it rolls on to your lawn.”

      Granted, I did that in when I was in my 70s but I soon found I was running out of closet space. The whole house was jammed to the rafters with tennis balls, soccor balls, footballs etc., I nearly broke my neck during the great “hall closet basketball avalanche” of 97.

      Anyway. I don’t do that any longer. I just puncture the damned things with a garden shovel and throw them back over the fence.

      (And I’m not sure it is really “stealing.” Seems to me that if the ball is in my rose bushes, in my garden, it is property of Mr. Donald Mills.)

      “Stop smelling like moth balls and cheese”

      According to Hattie, my PSW, I smell like Old Spice and Brylcreem (with a hint of tuna fish but that’s because I spilled some on my sweater vest at lunch today). And, according to Hattie, the overall affect is quite pleasant.

      “Stop hanging out at the Mall all day”

      Sorry, Zman, but I can’t afford to just waltz into a store and buy a pair of $100 socks. I’m on a fixed income, lad, and I have to be careful with my shopping. I need to “comparison shop.” I will not be rushed into making a regrettable purchase.

      “Stop calling the police when the music is barely audible but so loud it hurts your eardrums that you injured on your bustrip up to canada in the 60’s”

      I’ve been paying taxes long enough that I think I have the right to call the damned police whenever I feel it warranted. And barely audible??? The damned music shakes me out of my armchair and creates whitecaps in my goldfish bowl.

      And, for the record, it wasn’t a bus trip to Canada. I took a train. It was a regrettable trip and I’m not proud of my behavior. Can we please leave it there?

      Stop taking up space (REPORT TO THE FACTORY – FOR CONVERSION INTO FOOD) SOYLENT GREEN – CHARLTON HESTON 70′S movies

      I suspect that this is really what you’re after. Everyone wants to eat an old person. It’s the new black isn’t it? All the fancy restaurants serving “brazed senior with a red wine sauce.” Well put away your knife and fork, lad, I’m not going anywhere.

      Lovely to see you Zman.

      You’re a damned pip! Keep on sending.

  12. 6:57 pm

    One of your funniest posts yet, Crabby

    Only one word to describe it – ‘bloody brilliant’

  13. downcastmysoul permalink
    7:47 pm

    This is one of the best ones. These are a few from the list I like best.

    Ride your damned skateboard around in front of a senior’s house. Spit every 7 seconds and make sure that every other word out of your mouth is an obscenity.

    While checking your cell phone every 2 seconds.

    Spend an hour in the shower in order to “decompress” from the stress of having to microwave your own breakfast and live rent free in your parents’ basement.

    Using up all the hot water in the process.

    Send a “tweet” to let people know that you just passed gas and are considering chugging a soda.

    ROFLMAO……

    Sulk.

    Naturally

    Chat online with you idiot friends. Bitch and moan because you can’t find a $60 an hour entry level job as a video game tester. Consider becoming an “porn star” instead.

    End up working in fast food where you spend the whole day standing around hanging out.

    Defile yourself.

    ….”then it got quiet in the bathroom. No toilet a flushing, no water running no scrape of the toothbrush, yet, retreated enquiries at the door brought nothing, no reaction at all. Later, Junior emerged with a flush on his face as he pushed past you.”

    Open your bedroom windows and play god damned rap music so loud that the old man next door has to go inside, call the police and lie down with a damp washcloth on his head.

    Metal.

    Call your no account lazy-assed buddies and discuss possible names for the “band” you are going to form as soon as you learn how to play a musical instrument and master Guitar Hero.

    Play Guitar Hero instead of practicing your real guitar.

    Demand that your parents give you more respect, autonomy, freedom and a drive to the Mall.

    Or, get on the bus and harass old people just trying to get from one place to another.

    “Hang out” with other reprobates. Loiter, shoplift and harass innocent old people who are shopping for reasonably priced socks.

    Or, those multipacks of skivvies on sale. (for the old curmudgeon) Later, Junior will wander to a “lingerie” store to buy black “bikini” skivvies that are so “sexy” and will reduce the chances of procreating his kind.

    Discuss how difficult it is to be “young today” while drinking $9 coffee, eating cinnamon buns and sexting.

    As they sit in their designer clothing and shoes with all the company logos plastered on it talking about the next “rave” they will go to.

    • 4:44 pm

      Very nice additions, Downcastmysoul.

      If I can ever convince you to give up that damned heavy metal you may be ready for membership into the Loyal Order of Damned Curmudgeons.

      Hope you’re well.

      Don

      • downcastmysoul permalink
        4:02 am

        What’s life without Metal? How did people live before it? How did I live before it was invented? I’ll never know.

  14. 9:26 pm

    Sounds like you’ve met my nephew…

  15. sensico permalink
    11:27 pm

    This is a great to do list, I feel like complaining and moaning right now, for no reason. The last to do thing is hilarious!

    • 12:20 am

      Nice to see you again, Sensico.

      I don’t see much hilarity in sniffin glue and passing out in your underpants but then again, after Henny Youngman died I pretty much gave up on trying to understand humor.

      Hope you’ve been well and thanks for stopping in.

      All the best,

      Don

  16. 12:20 am

    If I was to work on a list like yours I would add a “Commit Suicide” item. There’s a shopping mall here in Brazil where young people like to go all the way up to the 4th floor, jump from it and crack open their crap filled skulls.

    High definition images are available upon request.

    • 12:23 am

      Many thanks Ivan.

      Commit Suicide in a shopping mall? Seems like an odd (but somehow apt choice). Don’t you have any bridges in Brazil? Skyscrapers?

      I think I’ll pass on the photos Ivan but thanks for the offer.

      Nice to hear from you, my friend.

      All the best

      Don

      • 2:49 am

        We sure do have bridges and skyscrapers… but, do you really think youngster will pick something so perfect like that?

  17. Lily permalink
    12:58 am

    Dear Don,

    I do love a good list and this one of yours is deserving of the Golden Quill and Ink Best List Award (as intimated by Ms Bschooled). Congratulations, Mr Mills, you have done it again.

    Never underestimate the value of a good list, I say.

    My life would descend into complete chaos without lists and I make a new “things to do” list every day.

    On today’s list (a relatively slow day for me):

    1. Appointment at the bank at 9:30
    2. Buy white chocolate
    3. Make Berry and White Chocolate Muffins
    4. Reply to Mr Mills’ Blog
    5. Mulching the garden
    6. Prune tree that is blocking the view of my lawn

    And that’s just the morning.

    Kindest regards,

    Lily Fossil

    (ticks #’s 1- 4 off list)

    • 12:30 am

      Nice to see you Lily,

      I also create a “to do” list on a daily basis. I find it helps me structure my time and makes sure that I don’t forget any of the little things that need tending to.

      I hope your Berry and White Chocolate Muffins turned out well. I can’t say I’ve ever had one but they sound quite delicious.

      Hope the rest of your day was successful and that #5 and #6 went off without a hitch.

      Best regards,

      Don

  18. Lynn permalink
    1:06 am

    “Send a “tweet” to let people know that you just passed gas”

    oh gross, tweetin’ a toot is just wrong!!!

    • 12:31 am

      I couldn’t agree more Lynn.

      Damned wrong but, I’m sure, entirely commonplace.

      Nice to have you over for a visit.

      Don

  19. Gerard permalink
    1:09 am

    I like this post, Don. I don’t have much to comment on, because you basically said it all. Although a few of these might seem to apply to me a bit, I think I’m far from the “norm” haha. I especially liked all the things you wrote about how kids think they have it tough. Unless a kid is living with a single, unemployed mother in housing projects in The Bronx (or some kind of equal/similar situation), there’s not too much to [seriously] complain about if you ask me.

    Looking forward to more posts.

    Gerard

    • 12:34 am

      Thanks Gerard,

      Always nice to have you visit (and I won’t ask which ones might apply to you).

      All the best. Hope to hear from you again soon.

      Don

  20. 3:01 am

    Don –

    I am loving this format. Nothing like a good list to cover all the bases.

    If only you could motivate them to read it straight through. I look forward to the next peace march/organic demonstration/vegan school-lunch sit-in where youngsters will be making terribly phrased statements while working their way down your checklist.

  21. 3:01 am

    Sorry Don, It sounds like you’ve had a bad day.

    I’ll tell the boys again to stop skateboarding in front of your house. I will also force feed them crackers to dry up the spit and I will wash their mouths out with soap for the obscenities. Feel free to whap them with your cane or stick it under the wheels as they go by.

    One more thing: Tell me how and what you know about sexting???

    • 12:45 am

      Thanks Claire,

      Thanks for offering to have a word with the boys about the bad language. Give them one of those “do as I say, not as I do” speeches.

      And in all honesty I know nothing about sexting other than what I’ve learned while writing this blog. I got an earful in the comments section a while back about “sexting” and “prostotots” and all manner of creepy perversion. It was quite disturbing.

      I won’t ask how you know about it.

      Always nice to see you Claire.

      Don

      • 3:18 am

        I don’t know if I can give the “do as I say, not as I do” speeches nearly as well as you can, Don.

        I missed the sexting and postotots conversation as well as the creepy perversions. I will have to go back and find that post so I can be as educated as you are on those topics.
        😉

  22. blackliberal permalink
    3:28 am

    Don,

    I have a story for you. This 20 year old woman prank called her grandmother with a friend, 45 times in one day and threatened to kill her because she was bored!!!

    Do you think that’s one of the problems with young people today? We threaten to kill people we love when we’re bored!

    Check out the story here…http://tinyurl.com/lwrsps

    • 12:47 am

      Thanks for the link, Blackliberal, I’ll be sure to check that out.

      Quite the damned story.

      All the best, Don

  23. blackliberal permalink
    4:16 am

    Don, just blogged about it too!

  24. 6:14 am

    LOL. Very funny Don. I must admit, I fall into some of those. Especially the eating everything that isn’t nailed to the ground. O course, I clean up, whatever is left after I get done, which, let me tell you, isn’t much.

  25. 8:37 am

    In my experience it’s the old farts who spit 7 seconds

    • 12:58 am

      Thanks for visiting nursemyra,

      The difference is intent. There are a few old boys down at the seniors centre that seem to let fly with with saliva but that’s just when they are telling a story and their teeth aren’t in right. It’s unintentional.

      The damned kids spit with intent. And they make a big production out of it too.

      All the best.

      Don

  26. 9:54 am

    ”Tell your family they are fascists just because they ask you to take your damned ball cap off at the dinner table.”

    Freaking hilarious.

    Keep up the good work grandpa !

    • 12:59 am

      Leetgamer!

      You’re back in my will sonny-boy. Where the Hell you been?

      Nice to see you.

      Dn

  27. Sander permalink
    4:13 pm

    It doesn’t resemble my day, but it’s a good post nonetheless. I think I’ll go and try #2 now, it sounds fun.

    • 1:01 am

      Thanks Sander.

      I’m glad it doesn’t resemble your day, lad. I’d be disappointed if it did.

      Regards,

      Don

  28. 7:42 am

    Hey! Where’d you get my list!?

  29. 9:28 am

    LOSTL! That list is fantastic! And it totally suits all the people ive seen around at the shopping malls. I havent been that many times to the shopping malls, but when i have, its been wonderful! The times it hasnt, have been the times where the young kids call me names and spit on the ground. HOW RUDE!

    Have a great day though, Mr Mills!

    Bob

    • 1:33 pm

      Always nice to hear from you, Bob.

      You’re wise to stay away from that Mall. It leads to all manner of trouble and I’d hate to see a decent young man like yourself corrupted.

      You’re a good lad, Bob Trusty. I hope you have a great day as well.

      All the best to your dear old mother.

      Don

      • 8:59 am

        I told mum all about a dashing young gentleman by the name of Mr Mills. Shes interested, but distrusting of the internetowebs and the people on it. She DOES like the sound of you though, so ill see how it all goes down.

        As for the Malls, i like them very much, i just dont like the young people with the swears.

        Date night tonight! BYE!

        Bob

  30. Justaguy permalink
    10:56 am

    Souldn’t you be ashamed to assume you know what God intended?
    Just die already and leave the world be…

    • 12:36 pm

      Thanks for the comment, Justaguy.

      Always nice to hear from a concerned young person.

      You pose an excellent question, Justaguy, and one worthy of serious debate. God’s intent is not an area of expertise for me, son, but I’m going to give this some serious thought.

      And kudos too – I find a serious issue is always best followed up with a pithy “go die already” tag line. It underscores the seriousness of your comments. There are many great examples of this rhetorical approach throughout history.

      Perhaps you are familiar with some of the following fine quotes:

      “All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. Die old man!”

      Ralph Waldo Emerson

      “By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest. LOL DIE DIE DIE you turd!”

      Confucius

      “Cleverness is not wisdom. Eat that you idiot and DIE!”

      Euripides

      “Common sense in an uncommon degree is what the world calls wisdom. In your face Grampa!!!!”

      Samuel Taylor Coleridge

      Good to hear from you. I’ll keep pondering your question.

      All the best,

      Don

  31. 8:15 pm

    You forgot “complain about how materialist society is, then ask for a $50 schoolgirl costume to wear to an Anime convention where pedophiles will stalk your jailbait ass.” Witnessed personally.

  32. 12:54 am

    I will admit to having defiled myself today, but damn it, I’ve been up working since 6 AM, and I deserved fifteen seconds of relaxation.

  33. lakezigzag permalink
    1:42 am

    Donald, thanks once again for bringing a laugh to my day and a smile to my face. You’re a gentleman and a scholar. Keep up the great work.

    Peter

  34. TheNaughtyProfessor permalink
    12:40 pm

    Don,

    Reading your articles makes me simultaneously scared to have children and look forward to old age.

    Cheers,
    TheNaughtyProfessor

  35. 3:35 am

    May I add to the “to do” list?

    How about having the munchies at midnight and extract every single perishable from the fridge … and leave it out all night!

    Swear and cover your head with a pillow when your mother screams at 6am yammering on about spoiled food.

    Text while adults are talking to you to let them know you are interested.

    Lie about your whereabouts. Even if it was church, lie about it.

    I’ll think up more for the list later. But for right now I have to go easy on myself. If I’m not careful I’ll backslide into my post tramatic syndrome from having that very teenager. The teenager on your list and mine! Must pace myself.

  36. 9:39 pm

    haha this made me laugh so hard.

  37. YellowRoses610 permalink
    5:25 am

    Witty as ever.

  38. Llarien permalink
    1:09 pm

    I don’t think I would be able to accomplish all those things in 24 hours. I’m unable to drive to the mall, can I just use my parents’ credit cards to do online shopping while on my lunch break at work? Perhaps I may be able to fit in updating my Facebook status while using the loo. Or should I use that time to sulk and complain? Such decisions!

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