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God Damned Humorless Teenagers Make Me Furious!

The problem with young people today is that they spontaneously burst into flames.

When I was a lad, we weren’t allowed to combust spontaneously. We needed a permission slip from our parents before we could set ourselves ablaze. If I had ever turned into a fireball without my old dad’s consent he would have snuffed me out with a fireman’s axe and scattered my ashes to the wind.

And then he would have travelled back in time, assassinated Archduke Ferdinand and invented the Frisbee.

But these young people today. They burst into flame all over the place without any concern for public decency or safety. It’s a big joke to them. They’re only happy when melting flesh is sliding off their bones and their intestines are being cooked into farmers’ sausage.

It’s disrespectful and unnatural, damn it. They walk down the street with their higher than normal body temperatures, asbestos underpants and glowing red eyes and think that they are better than older people.

They knock us over, take our wallets, give us wedgies and then burst into flames before you can smack them with your cane.

If this keeps up it won’t be long before flaming teenagers are ruling this planet and have enslaved us all. Our fiery overlords will demolish our churches, eat seal pups and ban renewable energy. Old folks will be forced to work in anthracite mines and take part in dramatic re-enactments of the Hannah Montana television program.

And when that day comes, we’ll all be well and truly sorry.

They spontaneously burst into flames. That’s the problem with young people today.

End Note:

Regular visitors will know that some serious-minded youngsters have taken issue with my views. I trust that this post will help clear up any lingering misunderstanding.

God damned stupid kids.

Best Regards, Don

48 Comments leave one →
  1. 2:09 am

    Don,

    once again you are correct , I had always suspected spontaneous combustion was the reason my boys went through so many sock , had holes in their knees and couldn’t keep their fly up ! untill now I had no idea it was because of a lack of humor.

    with a bucket of ice water in hand I decided to test this theory on my oldest boy . after telling him my best knock knock jokes I thought I saw a wisp of smoke so I doused him with the water , oddly enough my wife also hit the roof ! ( I think it’s contagious ) for obvious resons I have to run.~Dave

  2. 2:12 am

    Ha! Ha! This is another great post. I especially love the end note. My son nearly burned down the harbor in my home town when he was about 11 years old. He and a friend were playing with cigarette lighters. Fortunately my son stayed when the fire started to get a little out of control. The other kid bolted. My son took his brand new Bruin’s jacket, dunked it in the water and put out the fire. I still grounded him for his whole school vacation and took away his video games. He never burned anything again. Though I have seen smoke come out of hisears a few times.

    • 2:16 am

      Thank Joan,

      Nice to see you again. Good on the lad to stay put once the fire started. Most kids would just up and run off like his friend.

      Take care now

      Don

    • Anonymous permalink
      5:31 pm

      You wish that it’s great when it isn’t because it’s biased against humorless teenagers. Well, I happen to like humorless people as I’m one of them.

  3. Brion Emde permalink
    2:29 am

    I was once voted, “Most Likely to Burn Down the Customer’s Site”, but I was really young then. I’m glad I’ve gotten to see the truth here. Thank you, Don.

  4. Aly permalink
    3:00 am

    I am a teacher and can already see the younger kids trying to be like the teenagers. I smelt smoke the other day, and sure enough, one of them was up in flames. I’m hoping they’ll find better role models soon.

    • 1:34 pm

      God damned but they’re starting earlier and earlier these days. Thanks for stopping in Aly. Nice to see you.

      Best regards

      Don

  5. 5:58 am

    If you could just harness this source of energy it would save a lot on heating bills. Maybe build a special fireplace for them

  6. 10:50 am

    Well John, you certainly have positioned yourself high on the list of things that we need to discuss regarding the young people’s penchant for destroying our planet. You did not however mention how all this combustion contributes to global warming.

    And the global warming aspect might be the thing that gets their attention and reduce such instances in the future.

    You certainly are cutting edge. Tip ‘O the hat old man!

  7. 12:52 pm

    I figure when I get good and old enough, I’ll spontaneously combust – however, I’m still waiting for permission from the Pope himself, because really, that’s the only safe way to do it.

    You have to ensure that you do it properly, so no one else gets hurt.

    And if any local kids try it without my permission, well, I’ve got a nine iron in my front closet, and I don’t play golf, if you catch my drift.

    God damned stupid kids sums it up perfectly.

    • 1:42 pm

      Thanks for visiting Brett. When in doubt, it’s always good to go the top man on these kinds of issues.

      The 9 iron is a good choice, lad.

      Don

  8. 1:47 pm

    True that, Don.

    An unmoderated teen will often burst into flames and quickly draw a crowd of likeminded “individuals.” Hence the old saying, “like trolls to a flame.” I guess it gives them all something to be indignant about.

    It reminds me of the famous scene from The Wild One, where Brando’s character is asked, “What are you rebelling against, Johnny?”
    “Whaddya got?”
    “Well, we got some preexisiting belief systems, both religious and political, that have served us well and we wish to instill those in you.”
    “Well, I’m rebelling against that.”
    “We also think you should make a list of colleges to apply to, first choices and some safety schools. The SAT’s coming up and I know you’ll do well.”
    “Well, I’m rebelling against that, too.”
    “But you need to have a safety school! Preferably close to home.”
    “Not me. I’m rebelling.”
    “I’m not saying decide now. I’m saying think about it. You don’t have a whole lot of time left.”
    “I ain’t thinkin about nothing. It’s USC or nothin.”
    “*sobs* Johnny! Noooooooooooooo!”

    • 4:21 pm

      Trolls to a flame…

      God love you, son, you’ve got a way with words.

      A great comment. You’re an insightful and funny young man.

      All the best, Don

  9. Friar permalink
    2:42 pm

    The problem is, today we have things too easy.

    Today’s kids have hissy fits and burst into flames at the slightest provocation.

    And then they’ll go Tweeter or text-message their friends and bitch about what just happened.

    Compare this to 65 years ago, 18-year-olds were invading the beaches of Normandy and pushing back the Nazis.

    I’m sure glad we aren’t in a World War right now, or we’d be in a lot of trouble.

    • 3:09 pm

      Exactly, Friar. Today, kids “talk it out”, whereas 40 years ago, they just fought the bully.

      Your example reminds me of a cold November day a few years back, I was walking into work with a friend and we heard a couple of folks complaining about the sleet.

      I remarked to my friend, “You know, back in World War One, people half our age were up to their knees in mud, in the trenches, fighting each other. We have it pretty easy.”

      • Friar permalink
        3:47 pm

        @Brett

        You know when it all started to go downhill?

        MTV!

        Up until then, things weren’t great, but they were reasonably tolerable, I reckon.

      • Regina permalink
        3:45 pm

        Hey now, some of us still stand up to the bully and sock him one. I have two two- to three foot long bambo karate sticks for that reason. Standing at around five feet and being of the fairer sex and sickly, I feel I deserve an advantage.

  10. 4:23 pm

    Mr. Mills, You are hilarious. And that humorless kid commenting was simply clueless. I thank Ram for helping me find your blog:)

    • 4:29 pm

      Many thanks Scriber’s Web.

      I don’t mind the comments I’ve received from the young people, they’ve been pretty damned amusing if truth be told.

      Thanks for stopping in again. Always nice to see you.

      Don

  11. 4:25 pm

    To quote Stan Lee, “’nuff said.”

  12. 8:54 pm

    I tried this spontaneous combustion business once, when I was young and foolish.

    Trouble was, I wasn’t a very spontaneous sort of person back then, and I just couldn’t combust with any degree of spontaneity; unlike my peers who could burst into flames at the drop of a hat.

    I’d got a weekend job as a furnace lighter at the local crematorium, but ended getting sacked (not fired…) due to my lack of combustible regularity. The final straw came when I ran out of spontaneity ata high-profile society cremation.

    To this day I genuinely regret sticking my head out from behind the curtains and asking the new widow if she had a cigarette lighter that I could borrow.

  13. 6:13 pm

    Too many more of those damned smiley faces, and we might start to spontaneously combust!

    • 8:20 pm

      If you make an equal number of frowny faces, they cancel each other out. 😦 😦 😦

      • 12:28 am

        How does the sticking it’s tongue out face affect the equation?
        😛

  14. 12:10 am

    Amen, Don. I once spontaneously combusted and tried to get away from my old dad and he beat me with the fireplace poker and told me to sit right there and burn all up until I learned my lesson, that that’d be the only way I’d learn,, that while I lived under his roof there was to be no combusting. I could combust when I got my own place, he said. He was right. Now I only combust when my mother in law comes around.

  15. 10:00 am

    Hey Don!

    LMAO! I have friend who is 32 and he still watches Hannah Montana… I call him a masochist!😉

  16. Sophie permalink
    1:16 pm

    Hey,
    Donald just because we like a laugh doesn’t mean you can say we give you wedgies. We laugh with our friends. You oviously don’t know what a joke is and why your parents would have ‘set you a blaze’ for laughing is stupid as everyone needs a good laugh. Stop making us sound like drugged up youths when we are actually young friendly people. Learn what we are actually like PLEASE.

  17. 1:54 pm

    you are funny, old man. want to hang out?

    • 5:23 pm

      Maybe but I like to be home in time for Wheel of Fortune and I normally have my pjs on by 8:30.

      Apart from that, my schedule is pretty open.

      Thanks for visiting Ms. Chick.

      • Regina permalink
        3:47 pm

        Mr. Millers, have you caught the Rye bandit yet?

  18. auntfeminina permalink
    1:41 pm

    Hello Don,

    This is Aunt Feminina Boots, stopping by to tell you how much I appreciate your blog, and all that you are doing to communicate to these young people the perils of spontaneous combustion and poor posture. Your blog is, to me, a RESPITE from all kinds of questionable areas of the internet regarding young people and their Mountain Dew Extreme Sports-type activities that are causing all the problems.

    Goodness knows I agree with you about this tattoo situation, but my teenaged niece Fanta won’t listen. I’m just afraid that the piercings will be next, and Fanta will be putting red checkers in her ears, making her earlobes hang down real long like the beagle dog we had back in Taylorham that got pregnant through a chain link fence. I sent Fanta a link to your blog, and asked her to take your advice to heart because I find it to be quite sensible, and do you know what she answered back? She said: “WHO CARE’S?!!”!

    Thank-you again,

    Feminina Boots

  19. Luke permalink
    9:12 pm

    Thankfully, I have not spontaneously combusted anytime in my 15 years of living. It’s like smoking. Lots of people may think it’s cool, but the few more intelligent of us realize that fire can be very damaging to the brain.

  20. Ixchop permalink
    1:32 am

    I guess I’m lucky. My parents never put up with any sort of spontaneous combustion. I was usually sent to my room and spontaneous combustion is not nearly as much fun without an audience.

  21. 12:38 am

    I’m sorry. In my day Kids DID spontaneously burst into flames. Happened all the time. Some of my best friends spontaneously combusted.

    Problem with adults is that they forget and all those combusted kids of yesteryear aren’t here to remind us that we, too were once as prone to combustibility. Why, I remember once, I almost burst into flames. But then I was a shy kid and I was worried about what all my friends would think. Saved my bacon being pathologically shy.

    The PROBLEM with kids these days is that they think that they INVENTED spontaneous combustion. God damn kids think they invented everything… spontaneous combustion, hair gel (Can anyone here say Dippity Do?), smoking pot, sex, Rock and Roll, skateboards, and tie-dyed shirts. I have news for them. We invented all that stuff. Did kids in Ancient Rome do any of that stuff? Did kids in Egypt have sex and sing popular songs? Nope! That was us.

    They ought to read a book once in a while. God damn kids, today.

  22. 3:25 am

    “When I was a lad, we weren’t allowed to combust spontaneously. We needed a permission slip from our parents before we could set ourselves ablaze. If I had ever turned into a fireball without my old dad’s consent he would have snuffed me out with a fireman’s axe and scattered my ashes to the wind.”

    My mum says that that is completely inconsiderate. i was never game enough to try, even though the kids at school peer pressured me to try it. “its cool! and you will be too” they said as they went up in flames. True Story!

    I like being a flame retard though!

    I hope your weekend was lovely all the same, sir!

    Bob

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