God Damned Teenage Trick or Treaters Drive me Batty
Few things chap my ass more than damned teenagers who don’t know when to hang up the pillowcase and stop trolling for free candy on Halloween.
Don’t get me wrong, I have no objection to doling out some boxed raisins or wintergreen lozenges to a 3-year old in a Ronald Reagan costume but I get pretty incensed when some pock-marked 17-year old smelling of bong water and sloth shows up at my door with an insolent scowl and a demand for free food.
In my day, teenagers didn’t harass their neighbors for unearned sweets – they were too busy holding down jobs, harvesting crops or serving in the armed forces overseas. But nowadays it seems young people trick or treat into their mid-twenties. Half the damned “kids” that bang on my door are over six feet tall, have five o’clock shadow and voices deeper than Elaine Stritch for Christ’s sake.
And, honestly, if you insist on coming to my door looking to scrounge some hard candy at least put some effort into it. These damned teens refuse to say “trick or treat,” won’t make eye contact and sure as hell don’t bother with costumes. They just roll their eyes and stick a sack under your nose while text messaging their location to other scurrilous moochers in search of easy prey. If they intend to carry on with this shameless behavior the least they could do is dress like hobos or – perhaps more accurately – petty thieves.
And to add insult to indignity, they’re pounding on my door at 9 o’clock when I’m already in my nightshirt and well past the time that most legitimate trick or treaters have already gone home, gorged themselves senseless and thrown up on the area rug.
I’d send them running with their tails between their legs but they always have an air of violence about them. Rebuke their snivelling demands and you’re likely to find your pumpkins violated, your rose bushes covered in toilet paper and your windows spattered with eggs.
Well, threat or no threat, this year I’m saying “No”.
Be advised that any damned teenager who shows up at my door this Halloween won’t be getting anything but a copy of the want ads, directions to the local military recruitment centre and a cane to the side of the head.
Happy Halloween. Now get the Hell off my lawn.
(Originally posted in 2009 but since it seems young people have failed to get the message, I thought I’d give them one more warning)
The Problem with Young People Today Is... 
Dear Don
Chaps my ass as well, especially as us Brits had no such tradition before our young’uns started watching The Simpsons. That Murdoch fellow has a lot to answer for, if you ask me. And what’s so goddam attractive about chewing on sugar flavoured gelatin anyway? The next generation of our kids will all end up with bovine spongiform encephalopathy, I reckon. And Murdoch will be to blame for it.
Best Regards, as ever. Keep up the good work Don.
Dr T
Thanks kindly Dr. Tim,
Seems to me we may be too late on the mad cow front. Most young people are already the size of an adult Holstein and brain-addled from a combination of Ipods, indolence and cannabis. Apparently, that Murdoch lad has a lot to account for…
I don’t understand the appeal of those gelatinous treats either. Give me a box of cracker jacks or a squirrel nut zippers any day of the week. I’m no Milton Hershey but I’ve always maintained that nothing good can come from candy that is neon blue and translucent.
All the best, Dr. Tim and thanks for visiting. Always a pleasure to hear from you.
Don
Hmm, first and second comments. I’m not usually so quick off the mark these days.
All the best
Dr T
Thanks again, Dr. Tim.
It’s true. I usually have to wait at least a couple of hours before a doctor turns up.
I appreciate the promptness. I’ll be advising my physician, Dr. Shand, to follow your lead in future. As much as I enjoy it, I think I’ve committed the September 1972 of Field and Stream to memory.
Don
Dear Don
You tell that Shand quack that my fees are more reasonable than his. You never know, it may just prompt him to knock a dollar or two off your next bill. Best not mention the air fare costs, obviously.
All the best
Dr T
Guilty as charged. I’m sorry. 😦 I trick or treated until I was 18 years of age, 6′-3″ in height and didn’t stop ringing door bells until at least midnight. Please forgive me, Mr. Mills. It was pear pressure, I swear, and I came from a broken home. On the plus side I did say “trick or treat” and I was in costume, even if only a mask and a hoody.
Since when did pears put pressure on anybody? I’ve always found that they relieve pressure, in sufficient quantity, but I’ll leave you to find that out for yourself, as and when your age age requires it.
They eat insufficient fruit, that’s the problem with young people today.
Dr T
You really need to arrive early more often, Dr. Tim. That will keep me chuckling right through Halloween.
Thank you Peter.
I’m afraid that despite the broken home and pressure from pals I simply can’t condone your behavior. And wearing a hood and saying “trick or treat” doesn’t excuse you from knocking on some seniors door at midnight. When we hear knocking and see hooded figures in the dead of night we assume it’s the Grim Reaper come calling and that he isn’t looking for a bag of cheezies and a baby ruth.
Best regards,
Don
Dear Mr. Mills,
Dressing up as an Army recruiter and handing out applications could help eradicate your pest teen problem.
Respectfully,
Polish Spring
Thank you PolishSpring,
A very fine suggestion! I may just give that a go. If word gets out, it may actually keep them away year round.
I appreciate the help. All the best,
Don
HAHAHAHAAA!!!! Oh my god, you are so funny! “Now get the hell off my lawn!” I would like to come and watch this. Don’t worry though, I’d back you up. No toilet paper or messing with your property. What say we hide out behind blackened windows and toss eggs at them? (I’m kidding, I would never do that)
MC
Thank you mysterycoach,
I appreciate the support. I’m also glad to hear you would never toss eggs at teenaged trick or treaters. Trust me, in my experience that just plays into their hands and gives them a reason to escalate to soaping windows, brick tossing and pumpkin violation.
Better to scare them away with lousy candy and complaints about their behavior. It takes time but word gets around eventually to stay away from the angry old man who carps about costumes and gives out single dinner mints.
Very nice to hear from you again.
All the best,
Don
Agh, but how could I stay away? (insert huge grin here…)
No, I would never do that, I get along really well with most teenagers. My daughter of course, because I’m her mom, is befuddled by that. I agree Sir, violence begets violence. Very true.
Pennies. Have a jar of pennies and plop 5-10 of them in the bag. hehehehee! Or, leave the light off and sit in the back after 9:00 p.m. Then you could avoid the whole aggravation of it completely.
Nice to see you as well.
MC
how about water balloons instead?
Very funny post… Love it 🙂
Too funny. You could just hand out chocolate covered habenero peppers!
Thank you Tmso,
It’s an interesting notion but it sounds like a hell of a lot of work and I’m not particularly handy in the kitchen. Last time I melted chocolate was when I fell asleep with a snickers bar in pocket and it didn’t turn out terribly well.
Still, I appreciate the suggestion. Thanks for visiting.
Don
I love when older trick or treaters come to my door. I figure it is better than drinking vodka shots in someone’s basement.
I am surprised to see that you entice your reader to use “the Facebook” and “the Twitter!!”
Hahaha! I am really looking forward to reading your posts and am glad that Freshly Pressed has been up for so long. I would have missed this gem!
…..off to use “the Twitter” to promote your blog……..
Thank you Susie,
Hopefully there are more alternatives for young people to choose from. One would assume that they don’t have to make a choice between dressing up as 50 Cent and mooching candy or drinking themselves senseless in an anonymous basement somewhere. They could just clean their rooms, call their grandparents and read a book.
I’m not sure I’m comfortable with bribing young people to behave and remain lawful. If they want a candy bar in exchange for sobriety, what will they want in return for not stealing my Lesabre? A milkshake and a new scooter? It’s a slippery slope. Susie, and we need to be careful.
Thanks for using “the twitter” to promote my blog. Ever since we lost sight of “the telex” I’ve been struggling on the marketing side of things.
All the best and thanks very much for stopping in.
Don
Nice job, as usual. Halloween seems to be all year long for teens. Between dressing strangely, wearing dark and crazy makeup, and freaking out adults, it must be depressing for them when Halloween comes along and it is just like every other day of the year for them. Which just gives them another reason to act all moody and depressed.
Thank you bmj2k,
A very insightful comment, lad. I was going to say that the key difference was that on Halloween they were free to ask adults for things they have no right to and haven’t earned but upon further reflection…
Always good to hear from you.
Best regards,
Don
Dear Mr. Mills,
Thank you for the reprint of your holiday themed blog. I’m going to repost this to my family blog to help spread the word. My brother Jeff is a big enough idiot that he may still trick or treat even though he’s in his thirties.
Have a wonderful evening,
Melissa
Thank you kindly Melissa,
I can empathise on the idiot family front. Hopefully your brother will smarten up before too long.
Have a wonderful evening as well. And many thanks for stopping in to visit.
Best,
Don
That’s funny. Really funny. LoL!
Did you hear about the old lady that handed out dog biscuits to kids she deemed “too old?” haha.
Thank you Ellie Ann,
Dog biscuits? Interesting, and not beyond the scope of possibility given that my weiner dog was just put on a rather strict diet. I may also have some pigs knuckles and old soup bones I could add to the mix too.
Many thanks for stopping by.
Don
No costume. No candy. It’s that simple. Loved your post!
Thank you Karen.
A very sensible approach. Add a “you must be this short” to receive candy sign and you should be all set.
Warm regards,
Don
Being a retired woman living alone, I don’t even answer the door anymore. I just turn off all the lights, turn the TV down really low, and pretend I’m not home. You, on the other hand, sound like Clint Eastwood’s character in “Gran Torino.” Wish you were my neighbor!
Many thanks PiedType,
I admit that I’ve toyed with the idea but am always worried about what the disgruntled teens might do when the find the house dark and the candy jar empty. Besides, my wife Aggie had a soft spot for the wee ones on Halloween and I do like to keep up the tradition.
All the best,
Don
Hello Mr Mills,
Love the post once again.
“Be advised that any damned teenager who shows up at my door this Halloween won’t be getting anything but a copy of the want ads, directions to the local military recruitment centre and a cane to the side of the head.”
I’m not American, so please excuse my ignorance, but isn’t not giving sweets the “tricking” part of the whole Hallowe’en game? If so, it’s a completely legitimate ploy. Doling out employment forms for your local supermarket seems a perfectly acceptable “trick” to me. And if anyone threatens you with violence, tell them the paper’s edible.
Cheers,
Thea.
Many thanks Thea,
My understanding is that the word “trick” is actually a thinly veiled threat that some manner of mischief will be performed if the asker is denied the “treat.” So, it’s a shakedown essentially and fine training for a career in organized crime.
Personally, I think they should have to perform tricks prior to getting anything. If they’d balance a ball on their nose, do some sleight of hand or perhaps amusing impressions of former Presidents, I’d be much more inclined to part with my raisins.
All the best, Thea, and thanks for visiting.
Don
Aha. I see. In that case, maybe you could just fold the recruitment posters into very small squares and slot them into empty raisin packets.
Of course, they might seek revenge, in which case you’ll need to be prepared. We have super sprinkler systems in Australia that you can turn on if there’s a bushfire roaring towards your house. It works by running hoses all across your roof and around your verandas and attaching them to a water container (a water tank, a bladder – yep, that’s what they’re called! – or, if you’re lucky, a bore water supply). Then at the turn of a nozzle you can spray flames in any direction. Kind of like a fire truck on steroids.
You may wish to consider investing in something similar. It doesn’t have to be quite as complicated as a bushfire-prevention sprinkler system, but maybe something more modest, like a motion-sensor water cannon. That way, if any damn young person arrives on your front steps after a certain hour they’ll be blasted back into the street where they belong. And you wouldn’t even need to leave your favourite chair.
At least in my teen years, we dressed as ghosts and bent our knees to pretend we were pre-pubescent. Now, I ask you, is that too much trouble?
Great post. I look forward to reading it again next year, too!
Thanks Elyse,
Good on you for putting in the extra effort.
Hopefully I’ll be able to retire this particular complaint after this year and start to focus on my numerous other Halloween-related complaints (shoddy pumpkin carving, the sad state of candy, all plastic costumes etc.,).
All the best.
Don
Timely reminder Don, as Dr Tim mentioned the damn habit has caught on down here in New Zealand.
I have developed a response however. If the begging child is under 7, he/she gets one jelly bean, IF they say the magic words Trick or Treat; I say Treat and give them the damned bean.
If the begging child is over 7 and under 14; I say NO and shut the door.
If the spotted mendicant is over 14; I reply TRICK, and fire up my old M2A1-7 United States Army flamethrower. It is remarkable how few children of any age have been coming around lately.
Keep up the good work Don, the more grumpy old codgers we have around the safer I feel.
Yours in curmudgeonly comradeship,
TSB
Many thanks TwistedScottishBastard,
A very sensible system. But then again I’m generally fond of any approach that promotes good manners and dashes hopes at the same time. Well done.
I’d not sure if I could manage a flamethrower so perhaps I’ll get myself a few of those artificial fireplace logs, light them up and then fire them off my porch at any miscreant teen who dares open my gate.
All the best and thanks again for stopping in,
Best regards,
Don
tales ??
tails !!
P E Dant
Thank you P E Dant,
Fair’s Fare so if you could site the sight of the offence, I’d be appreciative.
D A Mills
allow me, don. you said:
I’d send them running with their tales between their legs but they always have an air of violence about them.
i noticed it, but i thought it was almost poetic. i pictured them running away with stories stuck in their heads of melonballer violence that you yelled at them from your porch .
Thank you kindly Nonnie.
Don’t know how I missed that. “More hurry, less speed” as my old mom used to say (after she had hobbled you with a melon baller).
All the best and thanks again.
Don
It’s gotten so bad around here kids, demanding more & more candy; even AFTER you’ve dropped something in their bag. I don’t hand out candy anymore, buy a 50 pack of erasers at the dollar store & that’s it. One year I got a deal on 50 pencils & gave them out. What really rubs me the wrong way is the parents who bring their kids back down my street an hour later trying to get “extras”. I guess they think I have no short term memory or something. I even had a parent complain one year that I wasn’t passing out candy! I would never think of such a thing.
Thank you Jen,
I’ve had those dirty looks from the young folks after depositing a box of raisins in their bags as well. It’s almost as though the expect me to top it up with a crisp $20 bill in order to make their visit worthwhile. In my view, they should be grateful I didn’t turn the garden hose on them and just move on.
All the best and thanks for visiting.
Don
My method of coping, so far, is that I have a bag of candy which has been added to for so many successive Halloweens that some confections in there are four years old. What the hell, there is no nutrition in that stuff so germs won’t eat it.
My antipathy extends to every one of the little extorting bastards and their overindulgent parents, and I’d hand out garlic cloves if I thought they wouldn’t come back and throw perfectly good eggs at my house.
Thank you sledpress,
Only four years old? That’s quite current compare to my treats. Some of the hard candies I have in stock were purchased back during the Carter administration.
Always a pleasure to hear from you.
Best,
Don
Young children get treats. Teenagers get tricks. It will keep them from coming again.
Thank you Ahmondt,
Very sensible but be careful with the tricks. These damned young people are notorious for holding a grudge and enjoy nothing more than some mischievous revenge.
All the best,
Don
Dr. Mr. Mills,
I am also against teenage trick-or-treaters. Half the girls are dressed in little more than what a common streetwalker would wear. Unless a teen is accompanying younger siblings, I merely ask if they think they are a little too old to be acting like babies. If they say ‘no’, then I’ll give them the cheap candy.
Thank you Maddie,
I fully agree that the state of costuming is quite disgraceful – and not just for the teens. I’m not sure what we’re trying to teach the wee ones by dressing them up as trollop pop stars and encouraging them to accept candy from strangers – I rather thought we disapproved of that kind of behavior.
Very nice to hear from you again, Maddie. Many thanks for visiting.
Don
Dear Don,
I would be remiss if I forgot to ask what to do with those pets in costumes begging for treats? I usually get several packs of these critters at my house, and I was wondering if you might have a pearl to share when one is in this situation. I’m used to purchasing candy, but now it seems that I must also have biscuits and chews. What if I get them mixed up?
Kindest regards.
Thanks very much Anonymous,
To date, I haven’t been subjected to anyone bringing their household pet along with them when they mooch for free food but I can’t say I’m surprised by the trend. I suspect it’s only a matter of time before entire families show up with an empty cooler and ask to rifle through my fridge and chest freezer.
I have no intention of purchasing separate treats for animals and humans. If people start bring their pets, I’ll have to look into one item that is suitable for both. Table scraps may be a reasonable compromise.
Best regards,
Don
You never fail to amuse (and instruct). Thanks!
Many thanks Richard.
Always nice to have you pop in.
All the best,
Don
Interestingly enough, we’ve forgotten the origins of what is now the celebration of the candy producers of the world.
In pre-Christian Ireland (and other areas of the Celtic world) this time of year saw bands of roving teenage boys going from home to home in the villages and demanding ale, bread, and other post-harvest treats. The householders gifted them with the best of their food because there was a belief that doing so would ensure there was sufficient for the winter. It is a sympathetic magic thing. At any rate, if the householders were greedy and refused then the young men would prank them – for instance by doing cow tipping or taking the cart wheels and putting them atop the barn. There is actually a long and venerable history of this – however, we’ve changed that in modern times so now it seems weird to see older teens out doing the candy collection thing. In fact, few people understand why children asked for treats or how that relates to anticipation of survival through the winter or a confirmation of the coming together of small Celtic farming communities.
When I was young my mother owned a donut shop and I swear every kid who could walk and talk came to our home for a free donut. We had god only knows how many dozens of donuts and donut holes we handed out for hours and hours to the population of our tiny little Idaho town. Mom felt it was great advertising (which it was) and we never had a lick of problems with window soaping, toilet papering the trees, or pumpkin smashing. And yes, we had teens come and they were each given one orange or chocolate frosted donut with a smile and a “Happy Halloween!”
Nonetheless, you’ve a cute rant there.
Thank you very much Another Boomer Blog,
I appreciate the history lesson.
In light of the tradition, I should gift all young people who darken my door on Halloween with a single potato. I’m not a believer in sympathetic magic but when you get to my age, you’ll do anything you can to help increase the odds of surviving the winter.
Best regards,
Don
Chuckle – in those days they did not have potatoes either – another new world plant. No tomatoes, either.
I’d say you could give ’em a cuppa cider, an apple, or perhaps a small rutabaga or turnip dish. Or if you’re feeling your Scottish oats you could offer slices of Haggis. That would get them wondering about you, it would. 😉
Of i you really want to get into swing of things you could make a bannock bread with tokens hidden into it and the lads and lassies would take a bit of the bread until all the tokens were found. They’re usually buttons reflecting things like flowers/fertility/growth other other meaningful tokens. You can make a huge one and get some strange looking tokens and see if the kids get a clue. It might even prove to be amusing to watch them say, “What’s Edsel mean?” 😀
I keep some of last years left over candy for the thugs that are too old to be trick-or-treating this year.
Your writing is brilliance, thankyou as always for sharing!
Many thanks talktomyshoes,
A fine strategy. Just be careful that it hasn’t hardened to the point where it may be usable as some form of projectile.
All the best and thanks for the kind words.
Don
We go out early … Bring the stuff home..,. Sort it… Keep what we wAnt and give the rest out. waste not want not 🙂
My neighbours are really good. They make up these little bags and when I take my nieces round.. They insist on giving me a bag too. 😉
Thank you Aneesa,
Glad to hear you return home early and give us seniors a break. Enjoy your night out with your nieces.
Best regards,
Don
The want ads and directions to the military recruitment center sound like a good plan. If they come after nine you can always tell them you already ran out of candy. I also dislike when people bring their kid in a stroller who is too young to talk out unless they also have children with them who are too young to go alone. The only one I had where that was the case told me I didn’t have to give candy to the youngest as she wasn’t going to eat it. The others it seemed obvious were out for free candy for themselves.
Thank you amandapoverseas,
I’m always loathe to tell them I ran out of candy – that just seems to make them irate. I would point that my failure to plan for appropriate numbers of miscreant teens is likely no worse than their failure to plan to assemble a costume but, again, I’m wary of picking fights with teenagers after 9 p.m.
All the best,
Don
Again good solid advice there young Don. If I can get my walker to the door in time I’ll give them a bit of what for and hand them the want ads like you say.
Thank you Curmudgeon in Training,
Don’t feel the need to rush to the door – the longer you make them wait, the fewer other old folks they’ll be able to menace.
Best regards,
Don
Thoroughly enjoyed your post, I found your blog courtesy of mysterycoach and will definitely be back! I am not sure if I laughed more while reading the post or reading the comments!
It reminds me of a true story about a friend of mine last Halloween. For whatever reason she had angered a mob of teens and they had egged and TP’d her house.
While cleaning it up the next day she noticed there was writing on the pieces of egg shell. These brilliant teenagers had written angry messages on the eggs before throwing them!
Kinda scary to think they will be running the world some day.
Thank you ladywithatruck,
A frightening story indeed. It reminds me of a young commenter who suggested I should show more respect because it will be young people who are feeding me after I’ve had died. I still have nightmares about that one.
All the best and welcome. I hope to hear from you again.
Best regards,
Don
Here in South Africa we do have the holiday, the children celebrate it by going to school in “civvies” (formal clothes). The upside is they don’t wander the streets at night like candy depraved zombies, vampires, witches, werewolves or whatever their nightmarish imaginations can conjure up. Their nightly schedules consist of going to bed early. Our elderly are so lucky, don’t you agree?
One thing I’ve always wondered about this is, if children go around asking for treats, why can’t they knock on their own damned doors and ask their parents for tooth-decaying confections? It beats the alternative of going around knocking on doors the entire evening in hopes of getting something “good” from other people.
Great read, yet again, Don. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you aeonmagus,
I’d say you’re extremely lucky – it all sounds quite civilized. I like the idea of a holiday that revolves around wearing decent slacks and getting a good night’s sleep.
Thanks for the visit, aeonmagus. Very nice to hear from you.
Best regards,
Don
Reading this makes me quite glad we don’t have Halloween here.
Thank you Slowvelder,
Indeed. I’d be careful though, based on what I’ve read, the practice is spreading at an alarming rate.
Regards,
Don
Fortunately the stupid Trick or Treat thing doesn’t happen in Australia. Long may this continue.
Thanks Bagnidilucca,
It may be time for me to relocate. Although, as I said in response to the comment above – the practice seems to be gaining traction worldwide.
All the best,
Don
Where abouts are you located bagnidilucca? I always get them and I am South-East of Sydney. Last year a bunch of 14 year old girls came around dressed as “Catholic schoolgirls” around 4.30pm (at first I figured they were selling cookies or fundraising chocolate) I looked at their uniforms and asked what they were dressed as. They told me and I responded with, “uhh ok, well I’m guessing you all go to St Patrick’s College because that is where that uniform is from and since you don’t finish school until 3.30pm I’m guessing you have just worn your school uniform around to get free crap from people. Go home and put on a proper outfit and I’ll consider giving you candy, you are too old for this.
You sound like my 86-year-old grandmother. We have to try to keep her away from the door on Halloween night for fear of what she’ll say. Hilarious post!
Thank you Melissa,
I’m honored. And I’d also suggest you allow her full access to the front door. In my opinion, most young people would stand to benefit from some sage Octogenarian advice.
Best regards,
Don
Phew. Glad you wrote the last line. I thought you were losing it and starting to repeat yourself
Thank you Bearman,
As always, I appreciate your interest in my mental well-being. And in your interest in my mental well-being.
Best regards,
Don
The Elaine Strich test is a good measure of age… To protect myself from egging, I’d give every low-voiced kid (or tattooed female) a single lollipop.
Thank you notquiteold,
It’s a very handy test indeed. The only problem is getting some of them to talk. They tend to just grunt and shrug. Sometimes if you jab their toes with your cane, though, you’ll get a small yelp which can help in age identification.
Best of luck!
Don
I see from your linked facebook page that you are a US resident. Surely you have laws allowing you to shoot trespassers?
The two corpses hanging from a gibbet outside my house have proved an effective deterrent these six years, although prior to the last of the flesh dropping off they were a tad pungent for a couple of years. I am wondering when their parents will notice them missing.
I found that the young visitors had little comprehension of my imprecations for them to leave the premises, and were only persuaded by acts of graphic violence. Such an imposition.
Thank you Vicus Scurra,
An interesting approach. I’m not really a violent man, however, and my arthritis would likely impede on my ability to both fire a rifle with any accuracy or assemble a functional noose.
For the time being, it looks like I’ll just have to stick with tongue lashings and cane shaking.
All the best,
Don
*hands Don her cane so he can shake it for emphasis while delivering this speech at every High School in the Tri-County area*
You’re welcome.
Thank you awesomesauciness,
I’m grateful. I’ve long been a believer in the power of a well placed cane shake as a form of punctuating one’s words.
Best regards,
Don
Fortunately Mr. Mills, I have lived in the country for most of my still young adult life and haven’t had the pleasure of running off those over zealous teens with my 12 gauge and my Doberman leading the way. Sounds fun though!
I do like the idea of you dressing as a military recruiter and handing out brochures though as mentioned by another commenter. Give it a try and let us know how it goes!
As always, another great insight!
Joe
Many thanks Joe,
You are fortunate indeed. It’s hard to trick or treat when walking between houses takes the better part of half an hour.
If I do try the recruiter route, I’ll be sure to let you know how it goes.
All the best and happy halloween to you.
Don
Next year…
About a fortnight before the day, buy something which will go seriously “off”. (fish and offal perhaps?). On the day, position your parcel for maximum olfactory effect, and when you answer the door, be wearing your gumboots, gardening gloves, stained butcher’s apron, and a pair of those eye-magnifying spectacles.
Invite them in for a treat…
Thank you Allesklar,
Nicely done. A very well constructed plan. In fact, I’d consider following your instructions to the letter if I weren’t just a tad concerned that while the young ones would undoubtedly wet themselves, the older ones may view it as a lark and take me up on the damned offer! I’d be kicking myself for weeks if visiting “the weird old man” became a Halloween highlight and something everyone needed to do.
All the best and thanks for the suggestion.
Don
Bong water and sloth! I had to wait for the tears to stop streaming before I could read the rest of the post.
Thank you Jonah,
It’s like a cross between steamed cabbage and cat urine. Not a pleasant image, but the best description I can come up with.
Warm regards,
Don
I realized that I felt a little awkward trick-or-treating once I turned 14, and I haven’t done so since then–lol!
Thank you emily,
Very sensible of you. It seems some people have trouble coming to that same realization.
All the best,
Don
“…17-year old smelling of bong water and sloth…”
Nice… Don’t forget that they also smell like the promise of a lifetime of disappointment too! 🙂
Thank you underwhelmer,
It’s true, but they tend to cover it up with Axe body cloud. It not only covers the smell, it strips the olfactory system of anyone within 30 feet.
All the best,
Don
Passing out want ads – great idea
Thank yo lisleman,
Feel free to give it a try but I caution you against getting your hopes up. You’re unlikely to get even one “thank you” in return.
Happy Halloween to you and thanks for stopping in.
Best,
Don
Thank you, again, Mr. Mills for your wisdom and courage. Damnable teenagers and their hands stretched out for free candy. I’ll bet they will want their tuition loans repaid by the Fed instead of allowing you to receive your well-earned Social Security check. Well said sir.
Thank you happygirl,
I would suspect that, yes, most will be looking for some kind of bail out on their student loans.
Seems to me that if young people have received post-secondary education and don’t have the smarts to figure out how to repay their obligations they should be suing the colleges for falling down on the job not teaching them simple concepts like responsibility, money management and how to find a job – not looking for taxpayers to foot the bill.
All the best. Always a pleasure to hear from you.
Don
I like Halloween.
All those expectant little faces gathered around the front door – they make me so happy.
I still have some of last year’s lot in the basement.
Let’s face it, deliveries of fresh meat to your door are largely a thing of the past these days.
Now…where’s that bottle of chianti gone?
Thank you Nobbly,
Go easy on the young ones, lad. They’re nothing but fat and empty calories. You’re far better off digestive biscuits, loose nuts and small amount of cheese.
Enjoy the chianti though and happy dining.
Best regards,
Don
I agree! Kids on the phone while trick or treating drive me batty. I also require them to say trick or treat . I delight in making them play the part if they want to walk away with the goods! Must be the teacher in me. This year if I don’t have the energy for all that I may just pretend I’m not home.
Thank you Kelley,
I’ve seen them texting one another (no doubt comparing ill-gotten gains) but to date none have had the gall to actually be talking on the phone when they’ve arrived. That would likely be the straw that broke this old camel’s back.
Glad to hear you make them toe the time on the “trick or treat.” It really is the least the little miscreants can do.
All the best and thanks for visiting.
Don
I’m happy with giving the little ones stuff when they have gone all out and are so excited. But the older ones get my grill also! If you are old enough to work and wear underwear as an outfit out in public then you can buy your own damn candy!!!
My father opens packets of cheap boiled lollies and puts them in a bowl, then if there are people too old to be trick or treating at the door he picks up the unwrapped boiled lollies bowl and pretends to cough all over them as he answers the door hehehe.
We had trouble a couple of years back where some people went around dressed in costumes on Halloween to get people to open their doors and they then forced their way into the house and robbed the people. They did get caught when a bunch of trick or treaters saw them force their way into a house and called the cops.
Thank you ditchthebun,
I suspect the individuals involved in the robberies felt they were just taking the practice of shaking people down for candy bars to the next logical level. Still, it’s damned troubling.
Your father sounds like my kind of man. Please pass my best regards on to him and tell him to keep up the good fight!
All the best,
Don
Sir, you are a goddam legend. Just as well you’re old, cos you’d make a terrible young person. Keep up the good fight!
Thank you minlit,
I’m sure I would make a terrible modern young person. In fact, I wasn’t particularly good at it the first time around.
All the best and thanks for popping in. Nice to hear from you.
Don
So how did that go the last time you did that? Any egging, tp-ing? It depends on what type of neighborhood you live in. I used to live in a neighborhood where it would have been hazardous to spurn the teenagers, but then most of them were way too “cool” to trick-or-treat.
Thank you Janet,
Actually, truth be told, I didn’t suffer any severe repercussions last time around. I suspect that while they like to project an air of menance, when push comes to shove most are too damned apathetic to actually go to the trouble of planning and executing any sort of retaliation more complicated that a curse and a rude hand gesture.
Still, one can never be too careful…
All the best and Happy Halloween.
Don
Dear sir,
Quite right, once again. I, for one, would like to clarify to teenagers (in particular) that shoddy efforts do NOT count as a costume at all, i.e. animal ears worn alone, an eye-patch (unless they are actually missing an eye), et al.
Further, teen girls should be heartily discouraged from wearing costumes that will give my husband a heart attack. He has enough to worry about without half-naked underage hookers ringing the bell all night.
Well-done again, sir.
Best,
Sorcia
Thank you Sorcia,
I appreciate the additional clarification. You’re quite right, of course, about the shoddy efforts. I believe it was last year I had a gaggle of young men dressed in street clothes tell me they were a “boy band” or “rappers” or some such nonsense. I say if you find it too embarrassing to get dressed as a clown or ghost or rabbit then perhaps that’s a signal that you’ve outgrown the tradition.
All the best and thanks for the kind words. Always a pleasure to hear from you. Pass on my regards to your husband.
Don
“And to add insult to indignity, they’re pounding on my door at 9 o’clock when I’m already in my nightshirt and well past the time that most legitimate trick or treaters have already gone home, gorged themselves senseless and thrown up on the area rug.”
Forgive me for inserting such a large quote, but this was by far one of the best excerpts from your post. Great imagery.
I love your writing and understand your lifelong frustration with teenaged hooligans. Have a happy November 1st.
Aun Aqui
Thank you aunaqui,
I appreciate the kind words and your taking the time to stop in to visit. Have a very happy November 1st as well.
All the best,
Don
Brilliant! We have the little monsters here in the UK now, thanks to too many imported US television programmes. I shall try out a few of the ‘tricks’ above on the night.
Thank you Rosie,
There’s no shortage of fine advice in the comments – take your pick and let me know what works.
Best regards,
Don
MY HALLOWE’EN RULES:
1) If you aren’t dressed up, then you get – Nothing.
2) If you aren’t dressed up specifically for Hallowe’en, then you get – Nothing.
Don’t be knocking on my door dressed as a ballerina or a cowboy & if you’re meant to be the ghost of a cowboy, I want to see bullet holes, at least put a noose around your neck!
3) If you’re wearing a bought costume, then you get – An apple.
Well if you aren’t going to take it seriously, then neither am I.
4) The more inventive your costume the more sweeties you get. There could even be money on offer if you’ve really put some effort into it.
5) You want to have a go at me – just try it sunshine! This is a multi-purpose walking stick & they don’t call me an old witch for nothing!
You stick to your guns.
Well not literally, they are only kids after all :-\
By the way, Trick or treat was NOT invented in America. It was invented by a British Vicar & kids were doing it in Britain when America was still a colony. We certainly did it when I was a lass & I’m 50 years old.
Just sick of people making that assumption.
Thank you Another Elephant’s Child,
These are excellent rules and I appreciate your sharing them with me.
I have to say that your rules remind me greatly of my dear wife, Aggie. She loved Halloween more than anyone I know but detested store bought costumes, poor efforts and a lack of commitment to the spirit of the night. Needless to say, she didn’t always look fondly on me.
In any case, my sincere thanks. I wish you a very Happy Halloween.
Best,
Don
Don, ten-thousand thank you’s for the hilariousness of your abrupt yet totally relatable commentary. I absolutely love your blog. I can definitely relate to the trick-or-treat mayhem you speak of here. We get all sorts up around our neck of the woods. I’d add to this thread one suggestion…try posting an “NRA” member sign out front. Works for us. It pretty much keeps all trespassers away.
Many thanks Lori Ann,
I’ll give that sign idea a try. My only concern is that the only abbreviations and acronyms the young people around here understand are the ones in the “Lol” type of category.
All the best,
Don
I love when older trick or theaters come to my door
Thank you trademark.
You’re obviously unwell but I still appreciate your stopping in. Now get some rest and take care of yourself.
Best,
Don
Sir, I think I said this the last time you posted this story. However, I think that no matter how old you are, if you come to the door in a plausible costume, you deserve a treat. Why does a younger young person deserve candy any more than an older young person? To deny teenagers, or even adults, treats is straight up ageism and ageism ends up with people your age being put on ice-flows. You don’t want to go down that road.
You don’t hate young people just because they’re young. You hate them because they merit no better. It’s all about what they deserve. In this case, anybody Trick or Treating at your door has earned a treat provided:
1) They come while you are still handing them out. Promptness rewarded. Sloth punished.
2) They identify themselves as Trick or Treaters (ie say “Trick or Treat”) Encourages following proper protocol.
3) They have an actual costume. Encourages dressing for the part and doing the work.
If they do this, they have merited a treat. They may be dressed up like Lady Gaga-gag-me-with-a-pitchfork, but rewarding their effort with a treat subtly encourages them to go down a more respectable, responsible, path.
That said, the quality and amount of treat is at your discretion. The more effort, the better quality costume and the better their attitude, the better the reward. In this way, a 40 year old dressed in green pyjama pants and a cap with a US flag that is pretending to be a soldier gets a mere token reward for a token effort. But a 10 year old and his friends dressed as FDR and a Civilian Conservation Corpse crew, complete with shovels, saplings and an authentic Depression era wheelchair? They get a bucket of your finest chocolate, especially if they ask if you want them to plant a tree.
Properly rewarding merit is what this society was built on. It is no coincidence that our collapsing society hands out rewards completely un-adjacent to merit. (See: Wall Street) Like you, I’m no fan of Halloween, but it helps if you see it as a “teaching moment”.
Thank you Sedate Me.
I’m afraid I don’t recall if we’ve had this conversation before or not but that doesn’t come as a huge surprise – I generally don’t recall what I wrote about last week.
As usual you raise numerous good points and make a very compelling argument. Unfortunately, I don’t entirely agree with you this time around.
I appreciate that the night can be used as a “teaching moment” and that there may be some value in rewarding those young people who know the rules and agree to play by them (i.e., timeliness, use of correct verbal cues and appropriate attire). In fact, as I point out, I have no issue with giving a scotch mint to a youngster in a cowardly lion costume provided they do their bit and show the appropriate amount of fear, gratitude and respect. Fair’s fair after all.
But I have trouble with this notion that there’s something wrong in denying some bong-puffing 25-year old with a hockey mask and plastic chainsaw a fist full of candy bars. In fact, in that particular case, I think the teaching moment could be when one thrusts a cane in his face and tells him to grow the hell up, stop acting like a damned moocher and make something of his life.
People need to stop thinking that they can act like children (and be treated like children) well after they’ve stopped actually being children. In addition to shelving their pillowcases I’d also discourage young adults from wanting loot bags and ponies at their birthday parties, demanding to go on easter egg hunts, sucking on soothers and wearing pajamas with feet sewn in them.
I don’t see this as an issue of ageism – just common sense and common decency. And, in the case of the pajama-clad, flag waving 40-year old, perhaps self-respect as well.
Happy Halloween Sedate Me. Always a distinct pleasure, lad.
Don
Sir, if you didn’t get it, then it’s only because I did a poor job of getting my message across. Sorry, but I owe it to you to try again.
If you give a young person a treat for dressing up like the Cowardly Lion and then deny treats to older young people who dressed up like the Cowardly Lion despite doing just as good a job and following all the other rules (on time, polite, stayed off the lawn, etc) than that is age discrimination. You are denying benefits to somebody who earned them on the basis that they are “too old”. Ultimately, it’s little different than denying people things based on race, religion, gender, etc. Hell, you could probably get sued.
Age discrimination is as slippery a slope for you as your porch steps are after a January ice storm. If denying people benefits on the grounds they are “too old” is acceptable, then expect a society full of young people to deny you the benefits you’ve most certainly earned (Medicare, pension, handicapped parking etc) just because they think you’re “too old”. That 20 year old who you denied a treat may just vote to cut off your pension in 2012 and every election afterwards. Denying people things based purely on their age is not the kind of precedent you want to set. Forget young people who think seniors should all just drop dead. Even most adults under 55 think seniors get too much and should be cut off. In a society that already treats old people like garbage, seniors should go out of their way to avoid encouraging age discrimination.
Then there’s the “merit” side of the equation. If you do the job right, you deserve to get paid accordingly. That’s the fundamental premise that made our society what it is. Once that social contract is broken, then all bets are off. People will start thinking they deserve to be rewarded for just existing and not as a result of their deeds.They will forever walk around with a treat bag in their hand, expecting everyone to fill it.
“I deserve new $400 shoes because I’ll look good in them.”
“I deserve a 15 million dollar bonus despite bankrupting this company/country.”
If dressing up is what earns a treat, then a treat must be given to those who dress up. Kids are clever. If you aren’t giving everyone treats for dressing up, they will quickly figure out that you’re giving them treats, not because they earned it, but because you have a weakness for the young and cute. Once you deviate even a little from the merit model, you set up every young person to think they can get whatever they want without doing the work. A generation of cute, little, con-men is born!
But it doesn’t end when they are no longer young and cute. Most will try to find new angles and new cons to get what they want without earning it. That bong smoking 25 year old probably came to your door looking for candy because he got candy from you as a 6 year old in a bunny costume and figured you for a sucker. Denying him candy now will only make him think he has to come up with a new and better con to get something without earning it.
That’s why I hate Halloween. It teaches mooching. But playing favourites with the moochers only makes a bad thing worse. It encourages entire generations to become sob-story peddling con-men. It’s better to give that cane waving lecture to everyone, even a newborn dressed as a lamb, than to give treats to some. I say “Just because you’re a child doesn’t give you the excuse to act like one. Grow up, kiddo!” All-in or all-out, sir, even if you have a weak spot for toddlers. (You old softie!)
Finally, sir, if you really want to get rid of teens, I recommend ditching the addictive, sugary candies that jack kids up and puts them on the road to Diabetes. Start handing out healthy, responsible treats: apples, packages of unsweetened oatmeal and fibre supplements. You’ll gain peace & quiet in no time and teach responsible behaviour while you’re at it.
I hope this effort meets with your approval.
Many thanks Sedate Me.
Your comment most certainly meets my approval but in this case we may just have a different point of view on the issue.
While I appreciate the notion about discrimination, it seems to me that our society makes numerous distinctions regarding allowable actions which are based solely on age – and rightly so.
For instance, we would not allow a 12-year old lad to purchase a 6 pack of Old Milwaukee, a pack of Marlboros and drive a motor vehicle. We would expect him to wait until he was older or, more likely, anticipate that he would enlist the services of a shady uncle, dodgy neighbour or the services of a fake id. Likewise, regardless of his ability to pass a physical and sign his name, we would not consider him to be a reasonable candidate for front line military service or admission to my seniors center.
Similarly, we would not (I hope) allow a 40 year old man to join the Boy Scouts of America simply because he has an interest in obtaining a woodchuck badge and was in possession of a woggle.
I don’t really see this as age discrimination, Sedate Me. I acknowledge that we haven’t legislated a “cut off” age for trick or treat nor would I suggest we do so. I would, however, suggest that common sense and social convention should dictate when it is appropriate for individuals to move on from childish activities and find more adult pastimes to fill their evenings (e.g., purchasing a 6 pack of Old Milwaukee, pack of Marlboros and driving a motor vehicle.)
In my view, the social contract is the understanding that just because we are prepared to indulge a child in a cowardly lion costume, that doesn’t mean we aren’t obligated to do so for any individual with access to an old shag rug, a sewing kit and a modicum of face paint. People need to understand that there is a limited window to “earn” that kind of treat and that life consists of numerous age-based transitions. In fact, understanding these transitions points may well be one of the key problems young people today face.
Having said all of that, I see considerable merit in much of your commentary – especially as it relates to the notion of creating a generation of moochers and the very troubling notion that denying a someteen-year old a piece of candy may inadvertently result in the loss of my driving privileges or pension. I hadn’t ever considered that and find the notion both outrageous and frightening.
I’ll need to think more seriously about this issue in future. In the interim, however, I will take your advice and limit my treats to apples, boxed raisins and the always sought after unsweetened oatmeal.
My thanks for the additional thoughts. You’ve certainly given me much to consider and (as you’ve done before) a potential subject for a future post.
Best regards,
Don
Hi Sedate Me,
I like your idea of a merit system. Perhaps governments could introduce legislation that includes a costume bell curve. That way, every Trick or Treater knows just how many, and specifically what quality, of lollies/candy/sweets they are likely to receive based on how well they meet the Hallowe’en costume criteria. Only those who put in the best effort score the equivalent of an ‘A’ in sugar intake, and those who have put in minimal effort will be lucky to walk away with a peanut that’s been rescued from the kitchen floor.
One of these criteria, at Mr Mills’ suggestion, could be a height chart. Or maybe a cut-off age, with the maximum age left to the discretion of the benefactor.
Thea.
Hi Sedate Me,
Whilst I respect and support your strongly held belief to not practice ageism in any form. I’m afraid I can’t whole-heartedly agree with your comments. I feel that trick-or-treating should be for kids in Primary School (AKA up to 13-14 yrs old), any older than that and perhaps they should be attending a Halloween dance at the School Hall or organising a Halloween party of their own, or taking their younger siblings around. 14yrs 9months you can get a job in Australia… you should be able to afford your own candy!
I especially don’t agree with the 20+ yr olds that come around, I’d like to give them a pacifier, if they are going to behave like babies then I’ll treat them like one. Then there are the parents in their trackie dacks or jeans that follow their kids around and also collect a bag for themselves – uhhh NO!
Perhaps this hate for Halloween stems from what other knocks at your door mean. Think about it – If you are not expecting company a knock on the door usually means someone is trying to take something away from you, generally money in exchange for an even crappier long distance provider, the newest kool-aid cult, biscuits to put the pounds on and an exercise machine to get them back off and apparently finding God costs time and sometimes money now too (I didn’t realise God could be new and improved!).
Yeah. They can all get the hell off my lawn before I drop-kick them into the front yard across the street!
One of the numerous twisted things about this trumped up “holiday” dedicated to blood spilling and the orgiastic consumption of sugar (fats and caffeine) is that people think nothing of restricting it to the very people who have the least business engaging in either aspect, young children.
While teenagers and adults are far more developmentally equipped to handle (and disturbingly experienced in) the scary violence and unhealthy food, we discourage their involvement. At the very least, we seek to drive their involvement from the public relm and into underground private parties, which are usually more salacious.
Instead of restricting the most vulnerable to more controlled, more appropriate, private parties of their own, we prefer to throw them into the lion’s den, forcing toddlers past rows of blood soaked corpses to beg strangers for candy they shouldn’t be eating anyway. And then we expect them to listen when we say “Don’t take candy from strangers.” after forcing them to do just that.
I also expect half the reason young children are sent begging door-to-door is so that their mothers can get their chocolate craving paws on some free candy without having to take any moral responsibility for it, often under the false pretense of “I’m just inspecting the treats for safety.” That kind of Trick or Treating by proxy is far more shameful than actually dressing up and Trick or Treating yourself.
You, dear sir, are my hero! Being 23 and recently young and naive myself, I fully agree with your words. I have only just found your blog today, but eagerly await going through your 41 problems with young people once I have the chance to sit and read them all day.
Cheers!
Many thanks innocentvixen,
I hope you enjoy the other articles and look forward to hearing from you again.
All the best and thanks for visiting.
Don
Your blog is a treat and I’m not even wearing a costume! Dressed conventionally.
If young people had a sense of humor, you could give them printed copies of any one of them! Along with the job applications or recruitment forms. Just a thought.
Reading the comments is like whipped cream on a hot fudge sundae; you attract a zany audience. Keep up the good work!
Thank you noreen,
I enjoy the comments left by others more than the blog itself. There’s never a shortage of interesting perspectives, amusing stories and odd notions. And, of course, it’s always interesting to hear from irate young people.
Many thanks for stopping by.
Best.
Don
Hilarious!!!
I actually first thought this blog was against young people …. Now I know it is!
Cranky old fart I just
Want to ruffle your hair and pinch your cheeks… You’re so cute
Thank you Aneesa,
Unfortunately my hair doesn’t ruffle as easily as it once did. I suspect it has something to do with the relative sparseness of the strands. As for cheek pinching and being considered cute, I appreciate the sentiment but would draw your attention to the following:
Many thanks for visiting. Hope to hear from you again in the future.
All the best,
Don
hahahaha… i would never dream of thinking you were deaf.. my dad was part deaf but we would never go up to his face and speak like that… its so disrespectful…
As for the rest sir i wish I’d read your earlier post first before offering my sweet affection to you, my apologies… 🙂
Hilarious.. Was laughing out loud as I read this with my husband giving me funny looks all the time..
I totally agree with this – I do not like teenagers walking around with pillowcases and phones on Hallow’s eve too. I also don’t like it when they empty the basket of goodies that some families place outside their home (as they are out with their young legitimate trick-or-treaters) with a ‘Please Take One’ note on it..and when this happens right before a bunch of 5-year-olds reach that home, it is really sad (since the 5-year-olds, even those who cannot read, take only one candy from that basket unlike the pillowcase toting teens)..I feel like I should empty their pillowcases then (but again.. I don’t want to get TPd too!)
Last year an over 50 friend and I went around with our little plastic pumpkins and gave out candy to our unsuspecting but appreciative
neighbors. I’m with you. If one wants to trick or treat at least put some effort into it. And above all be grateful :).
Oh dear. This is so funny that I barked with laughter all the way through! Thank you!
I’m 54 and have been a practicing curmudgeon for many years, especially at Halloween: I always threaten to give out toothbrushes. Also, if we weren’t so broke I would have bought the lovely packaged tub of individually wrapped prunes. Wanted that so badly….
This year it was CapriSun juice pouches, packets of apple cider mix (not that a real apple ever came in contact with it), and tiny boxes of raisins.
One of your commenters gave me fuel for next year: unsweetened oatmeal! Many thanks! Minlit (http://wp.me/14ggD) sent me here–she is very funny herself and if she recommends something, I go.
Don…First, I want to say that you are the only blogger that I know of that responds with a personal comment to each and every comment that your post receives! Now, that’s courtesy…something which many people these severely lack. It shows that you care about each reader.
Second…here’s my Halloween tip. Start Nov. 1 and pick up free condiments, toothpicks, trickets, etc. everywhere you eat or go. I started yesterday. I had to have a very expensive root canal. I figured that for almost seven hundreds bucks that I had to pay, I should be entitled to as many of those free pre=pasted toothbrushes that is kept in the oral surgeon’s bathroom as I wanted. So, I emptied the whole bowl…which was 21 toothbrushes! At this rate, I’ll have next Halloween treats stocked by early March! I’m on the look-out for some of those individually packaged flavored toothpicks but will have to wait until I can go somewhere fancier than McDonalds or Burger King to stock up.
Just sayin’
Trailerpark Barbie
http://mysterycoachdsi.wordpress.com/2011/12/17/liebster-award-versatile-blogger-award-finally/
Congratulations Don 🙂
Reblogged this on GRUMPY'S WACKY WORLD : Life as viewed through smudged and dirty bifocals. and commented:
I thought some of you would enjoy the posts on “The Problem With Young People Today . . ” BLOG. ENJOY
Well I’m 14 and I am going trick or treating this yeah. I always wear a costume always say trick or treat always say please and thank you when the give me some candy or whatever I don’t care what it is. How does hight effect any of this? Some people. Could just be very tall… anyways I don’t mean yo offend you just stating what I think.