More Angry Letters from a Crabby Old Man
Just because I’m retired, that doesn’t mean I don’t have a busy life.
In addition to blogging about damned young people I’m also an active member of the Pleasantville train spotting association, alternate bingo caller at the local seniors centre and write a minimum of one angry letter a week.
The letter writing is particularly important. I view it as my civic responsibility to voice my concerns whenever I see an affront to decency or common sense.
Below is my roster for the upcoming month:
Letter to all of my Facebook Friends
Asking why the hell everyone is always carping about privacy settings and carrying on as though they’re the keeper of the nation’s nuclear launch codes and Mark Zuckerburg is some form of KGB master spy.
Call me naïve but it seems odd to me that people who have no compunction about posting updates about their battle with constipation or photos of themselves in ill-fitting swimwear are somehow worried about the potential wide-spread distribution of their email address or home phone number. Frankly, you’d think they’d like the additional attention.
Trust me, most people feel they know too much about you already. If you really want privacy go home, dim the lights, pull your blinds and unplug your damned computer.
Letter to Dr. Regina Benjamin, Surgeon General
Clearly articulating my concerns regarding assisted suicide. Oh sure, on the surface it may sound like a reasonable idea but it seems to me that some people are a little too enthusiastic about the “assisting” part – especially as it relates to us seniors.
I don’t want to go to the Doctor for a mole check and end up being encouraged to take a flu “plus” shot just so he can thin out the crowd in his waiting room and make his 1 p.m. tee time. Likewise, I don’t want my greedy nephews thrusting a vial of cyanide pills under my nose every time my impetigo acts up.
This is a dangerous game and if we’re not careful it won’t take long before family are treating old people like household pets and having them put down as soon as they get cataracts, lose their appetite or soil the front hall carpet.
Letter to Cooper Toogood, Editor, Pleasantville Weekly Chronicle
This will be a wide-ranging tirade on everything from their ever-shrinking fonts to the tasteless placement of the obituaries in the “lifestyle” section to the meaningless trash that they try to pass off as news these days. Articles advising me that wallpapering my headboard will revitalize my stagnant bedroom have about as much in common with real news as Anderson Cooper does.
It’s high time they cut out all the damned fluffy bumph and returned to hardboiled investigative reporting of dockyard corruption written by whiskey-swilling reporters with decent names like Scoop Henderson.
(I’ll also be pitching my Abigail Van Buren style advice column entitled “Dear CrAbby” but given my laundry list of complaints I’m not expecting a favourable reply.)
Letter to John G. Roberts, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court
On the issue of abortion. I know it’s a thorny subject but in my view it’s time to put this discussion to rest and start focusing our jurisprudence on more important senior’s issues. Besides, anyone with a lick of sense knows life really begins at 70.
Since the country is pretty damned split on the issue the obvious solution is to consider abortion an acceptable medical procedure from Monday morning ‘til noon Thursday and a morally outrageous crime against nature from noon Thursday through to Sunday midnight. It’s perfect – nobody gets what they want and everybody gets partially pandered to. It’s an ineffectual compromise; the cornerstone of any good democracy.
(As an added bonus, those with an interest in haranguing young people can still do so; they’ll just need to shift their focus on beating teenagers over the head with placards when they’re contemplating fornication – not when they’re trying to address the unwanted fall-out.)
Letter to Mayoral Candidate Roland “Rolly” Forster
I’ll be wishing him well in the upcoming election but recommending that he tone down his rhetoric on global economic reform, climate change and foreign policy and try to remember that he’s running for small town mayor. He may wish to remind himself that his sphere of influence is largely limited to choosing the prize pig at the Fall Fair and determining whether or not the library will get a new book this year.
However, if he is serious about snagging the coveted seniors vote I’ll suggest he forget posturing about the debt ceiling and look into implementing some tough new teen curfew laws, introducing mandatory drug testing in high schools and consider bringing back police brutality.
Letter to the Editors of the Oxford English Dictionary
I will be respectfully suggesting that if they intend to continue adding moronic words like “muffintop”, “LoL” and “OMG” to their once respectable tome, they free up some room by removing existing words such as “credible”, “meaningful” and “scholarly.”