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Don Mills Saves America: Part Three – Immigration

I don’t usually weigh in on political issues but this damned country of ours is driving me to distraction and it’s time someone got it sorted out. 

So, for the benefit of any politician who happens across this blog (I use the terms “congress”,  “kickback” and “xenophobia” as tags quite regularly) I am outlining simple steps that can be taken to help create a better America.

Today, I tackle the prickly issue of immigration.

To me, the whole notion of immigration is a no-brainer. It has to stop. This country is too damned crowded as it is. I can never find a parking spot at the local Walgreens and am constantly fighting off crowds at J.C. Penney on discount sock day. Its gotten to the point where I can’t drive to my optometrist’s office without backing over at least 3 or 4 damned people. We need more space – not more Americans.

And yet they keep on pouring in. Estonians, Albanians, Cherokee, Mongolian Nationalists, the Welsh – our streets are teeming with huddled masses of poor, wretched immigrants crying out to be free and, frankly, it’s noisy, untidy and decidedly un-American. We need to padlock the gates and strap a neon sign atop of Lady Liberty that reads “United State of America: No Vacancy.”

Naturally, my policy of “Now That I’m Here No One Else Should Be Allowed In” is only part of the equation and any real discussion of immigration reform must include reference to the elefante in the room – illegal immigration.

I have to give the Mexicans full damned marks for dashing across deserts, jumping fences and fighting the elements in search of a better life. In fact, it’s a shame that kind of robust activity isn’t part of our schools’ phys-ed curriculum. If it were, perhaps our young people wouldn’t all be podgy couch potatoes and could get off their duffs once in a while to help protect our damned borders.

Regardless, while I admire their pluck, what those Mexicans are doing is illegal and it needs to stop.

It seems to me that the crux of the problem is that we keep catching these rambunctious rascals and then just sending them back to Mexico so they can try again. Now I’m no Lou Dobbs but a wiser idea might be to round these folks up, pop them in a cargo plane and then parachute them into Belgium under cover of darkness. And if the Belgians take issue and kick up a stink, we can always try the Swiss instead. They’re a tolerant lot and dandy yodellers too.

Those Mexican lads may be able to hop a fence but I don’t expect they can swim the Atlantic. And if they can – I’d say they’ve damn well earned a green card.

Look, it’s not that I have anything against immigrants. This country was built by immigrants. But the work’s done now and it’s time for everyone to stay home until we scoop a few ladles out of the melting pot and get our numbers under control. In my view, we need to put a moratorium on immigration until we dip below a population of 200 million or – more realistically – once again find ourselves in desperate need of a cheap and highly exploitable labor force.

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149 Comments leave one →
  1. 12:10 am

    Those damn Cherokee. I thought we rid ourselves of them centuries ago!

    • 12:04 am

      Many thanks morethananelectrician,

      I think that was the Mondolvians. They were a damned dour lot. Glad to see the back of them.

      All the best,

      Don

  2. 12:13 am

    if we cut off illegal immigration, who’s gonna mow the lawns and raise the children of all the rich politicians? i say we give all of cindy mccain’s gardeners amnesty and send her husband back to panama.

    • 12:13 am

      Thank you Nonnie,

      I’m all in favor of exploitation and cheap labor but that’s what damned stupid young people are for. Get rid of the immigrants and force a few x-box raised, milk-fed, fat-assed white boys to trim Ms. Cain’s bushes for a while. It would be a damned good lesson for them and I imagine she’d like it too.

      All the best, Nonnie. Always a pleasure to have you stop in.

      Don

  3. 12:27 am

    I’m with you, Don. I think we should close our borders to everyone and have a test to weed out the un-American Americans. If you can’t pass American history and show proof of gainful employment for the last 5 years, you should be dropped overseas with the rest of the illegals. Of course, there would be exemptions for retirement and underage workers, but the rest of the country needs to get off their duffs and put their backs into making America Number 1 again. Lollygaggers are an embarrassment to their immigrant ancestors who made the New World something to be proud of by stealing land from the natives and then killing them.

    • 12:24 am

      Well said yellowcat,

      I can’t stand damned lollygaggers and would be delighted to see the country rid of them. We’d have to be careful where we stashed them, however. You can’t just stuff 60 million (an estimate naturally) unemployed, mouthy, rude and unpleasant lollygaggers in a small corner of France and expect no one to notice. 30 million, maybe, but 60? Unlikely.

      I think the easiest way might be to spread them out a bit. Send the people whose names start with A to Albania, B to Brazil, C to Cameroon etc. It’s simplistic but what the Hell, I’m an old man with a damned nasty sunburn and it’s all I can think of at the moment.

      Thanks again yellowcat. A very fine comment.

      Best regards,

      Don

  4. 12:30 am

    The Welsh. I knew it. Ever since Tom Jones first played Vegas they’ve beena thorn in America’s side.

    • 1:07 am

      and who knows what they’ve been putting in the grape juice!?

    • 12:31 am

      Many thanks bmj2k,

      They’re a damned shifty lot if you ask me. And I’m no fan of Tom Jones. Not only is he Welsh – he’s a damned cat lover.

      I have to give him some respect. The man is over 70 and still thrusting his damned loins all over the place. I don’t approve but full marks for sticktoitiveness.

      • The Celtic Queen permalink
        1:01 am

        I saw him on TV last week and thought exactly that Don. How does he do it? I did notice his voice has changed a bit though. He seemed to be holding back a bit with all the twirly bits and thrusting a little slower but thrusting none the less. What’s with the black eyebrows through? Old men shouldn’t colour their hair, I think it makes them look like puppets.

        • 1:14 am

          I agree wholeheartedly about the hair dying. A good number of the old boys down at the seniors centre dye their hair and it looks damned ridiculous. I had never thought about it in those terms before but you’re spot on – puppets are exactly what they look like.

  5. sensico permalink
    12:55 am

    I’m actually more worried about the amount of vikings I’m starting to see in my area. How are they entering the country? There’s no reports of them at the borders.

    Anyways, I think the US is too over-populated, if we’re going to stop illegal immigration is makes a lot of sense to also stop legal immigration. The amount of people leaving the US is small compared to those entering. Lets not forget all the kids they spawn while in this country. Normal Americans typically have 1-3 kids, immigrations usually have 4-10 annoying kids.

    • 12:50 am

      Thank you Sensico,

      Nice to hear from you. I hope you’re keeping well.

      I hadn’t heard that the Viking hordes were once again becoming problematic but I can’t say I’m entirely surprised – they’re damned stubborn people who aren’t inclined to take a friendly “bugger off Thor” to heart. They’re likely slipping in via Canada during periods of low tide and heavy fog.

      As for the spawning – that really needs to stop too. Bolting the door at the border will help but we need to stop people from procreating like damned rabbits. It made sense to have 40 annoying children when we were just claiming this country and needed lots of extra hands on the farm but given our current population crisis, anything more than 2 damned kids is just unacceptable and showy.

      All the best.

      Don

  6. 12:59 am

    I think we should expand into Canada. We could sure use the extra elbow room, awsome health care program, and free French lessons. The beer is much better too, and hockey is 24/7. We’ll level the lower 48 and see if the invasive species can build it the way our ancestors did, or just continue that deadly drug war leaking into the southwest. Either way, I’ll be enjoying the coastal hills of Eastern Canada, where my Irish ancestors should’ve stayed when the coffin ships landed in 1847. Adios, Uncle Sam. Or is it Samosa? Si, or no? Great post, Don.

    • Sedate Me permalink
      3:51 pm

      I think you mean “We should immigrate to Canada”.

      Expanding America into Canada means just that, turning Canada into part of America. That would both ruin Canada and fail to improve America’s problems at the same time. You want to immigrate and get out before America becomes the new Mexico.

      As a Canadian, the idea of Americans fleeing to Canada is as scary as it is smugly gratifying. It’s only a matter of time until it happens. Canada must act now to close our southern border to the impending flow of American immigrants before they steal our jobs and ruin the national character. We need to put up a wall on our southern border and shoot to kill!

      • 8:46 pm

        I”m sorry, Sedate Me. You didn’t know? Seriously . . . sorry for the error, but thanks for the heads-up. I’ll start packing before the border is secure!

    • 1:04 am

      Thank you Dan,

      I don’t think Canada’s the answer. Have you seen the size of it? It’s damned huge. The upkeep must be incredible. Just painting the place and cutting the grass must take the better part of a decade.

      And while they have damned good beer I’m sorry to say that there television is god awful. You tend to have a choice between the Anne Murray channel and this…

      I say we’re better to just keep taking their water, wood and natural gas and let them worry about shovelling the snow.

      Great to hear from you Dan.

      All the best,

      Don

      • 10:14 pm

        Thanks for the heads-up, Don! Jesus . . . a few minutes of watching that show and I see your point. Plus my snowblower is like . . . half a horsepower.

      • Sedate Me permalink
        8:16 pm

        Sir, I’ll have you know that I love that show almost as much as I love Match Game. (Thanks for both links.) The amount of booze consumed during taping of both must rivalled the size of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

        From my research, Canadians had a strong showing in the Game Show market back in the day. Not only were shows like Beat The Clock and Let’s make a Deal (some versions) Canadian productions; game show hosts Monty Hall, Alex Trebek and Jim Perry worked both sides of the border with great success. I’m sure you remember them.

        Another piece of useless, obscure, but relevant (only-to-old-timers) trivia is that several recurring cast members of Party Game, including this charade contestant himself, played parts in, funnily enough, a “Christmas Holiday” special entitled Freddie The Freeloader’s Christmas Dinner , starring Red Skeleton in his final acting role.

        As for Canadian TV itself, yes it sucks. But that’s because 95% of it is the same garbage Americans are subjected to. Everybody with cable has access to almost every show made in America with only a couple dozen Canadian shows tossed in. So, if anything, Canadian TV is actually (microscopically) better than American TV. Embarrassing nonetheless.

  7. 1:06 am

    The last thing we need in America is a bunch of people who are willing to break their butts for peanuts just because they think they can get a better life by doing it. . . I say stop it now!

    Of course this is all begging the question of how we founded our nation by just showing up and settling in regardless of who was actually living on this continent when “we” showed up. Sort of puts a new spin on the whole concept of illegal immigration.

    • 1:20 am

      Thank you healingmagichands,

      It really is quite a galling notion isn’t it?

      You raise a good point about our own immigration but, remember, we were “settlers” more than immigrants. We didn’t displace anyone – we just “settled” an unstructured and largely chaotic pre-existing culture. And I’m sure they’re grateful to this very day.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  8. 1:54 am

    If they will just stop (1) passing out drunk in my shrubbery (2) playing their goddam boom-chuck salsa music where I can hear it, I will cut the Mexicans a lot of slack. But Don is right. We have too damn many people here and I look forward to a future rant on compulsory condom use (by Mexicans or anyone else). There is no problem facing the world today that wouldn’t be improved by the use of condoms. And maybe a legal prohibition on car speakers audible outside the vehicle.

    • 1:30 am

      Sledpress,

      First off, my sympathies. I too have had drunks pass out in my shrubbery and I know how infuriating it can be. In fact, it’s one of the reasons that any new additions to my garden are now required to have long and very sturdy thorns. I have a Japanese Quince that seems to be doing a fine job of deterring both drunks and random public urination fanciers.

      I agree that compulsory condom use would benefit this country greatly. In fact, depending on my mood and the day of the week I could probably be talked into mandatory bollocking. The car speaker ban is, of course, an absolute given.

      Always a pleasure to hear from you Sledpress.

      All the best,

      Don

  9. Debbi permalink
    2:12 am

    “Its gotten to the point where I can’t drive to my optometrist’s office without backing over at least 3 or 4 damned people.”

    Goodness, Don. It’s called a rear view mirror. Use it. :)

    I agree this country is overrun with people, in general. I suspect the people who were here before the Europeans came would probably agree. The ones who are left, that is.

    But I agree with sledpress. It’s nothing that couldn’t be solved with the widespread use of contraceptives.

    • 6:01 pm

      As a fellow Canadian, let me guess: You vote NDP, right? :-)

      • 8:08 pm

        Whoops. I think I clicked the wrong button and answered the wrong comment!

    • 1:41 am

      Many thanks Debbi,

      I’m actually having more trouble with the “drive” and “reverse” thing. It can be a little confusing at times.

      Still, I don’t believe in rear view mirrors. The car companies only added them so that the ladies could check their lipsticks and mascara at red lights. My feeling is, once I turn over the engine my responsibility ends and it’s up to you to stay alert and out of my way.

      Many thanks Debbi. Always a treat to hear from you.

      Best regards,

      Don

      • 2:02 am

        Well, and they use them for applying eye makeup when they are going full speed on the freeway too, in between texting on their cellphones and microwaving their breakfast pop-tart.

  10. 2:33 am

    Oh wow.

    Don – you have pissed me off and made me laugh at the same time yet again…

    I am Canadian.

    If these folks could get here under cover of night they would not only be given free room and board – they would have a great job with all benefits (including dental and health) within their first year…

    If hopping a fence was the way to achieve that kind of security I would have done it myself many years ago.

    Unfortunately that is not an option for me as I am already a Canadian citizen living well below the poverty line and at the mercy of our totalitarian government – oh to be a visible minority, there lies true freedom!

    It would shock people to know that there is that sort of tension here I bet…

    Thing is – unless you have a pronounced limp and/or an interesting accent – and if you happen to be ‘white looking’ (there are so many of us like that here) you go to the end of the line.

    Sort of like the way our universal health care works…

    M.L.

    • 12:32 pm

      Many thanks M.L.

      Pronounced limps and interesting accents? It sounds like Canada has all the makings of an Agatha Christie novel. I’ll have to be more damned careful next time I visit.

      All the best and many thanks for stopping in.

      Don

    • Sedate Me permalink
      7:28 pm

      Thing is – unless you have a pronounced limp and/or an interesting accent – and if you happen to be ‘white looking’ (there are so many of us like that here) you go to the end of the line

      Sorry to break the news to you, but that’s a rule that only applies to you and the 15,000 or so other Canadians on the “Double Secret Probation List”. Much like the “Do Not Fly List”, somebody you pissed off put your name on this Top Secret list that identifies you as worthy of being treated like shit for the sheer fun of it. Some people get on the list just because they’re poor. But make no mistake, once on the list, you get treated like shit almost everywhere you go, for no good reason.

      I was on it once, but I paid a hacker to get my name out of the database.

      • Sedate Me permalink
        7:54 pm

        Oops! I forgot to close my italic HTML. Sorry about putting everything below my comment in italics, Mr Mills. I didn’t even realize I could do that. There. Maybe that did the trick.

        • 10:24 pm

          Very interesting, Sedate Me.

          See what happens when you allow one little illegal “i” to sneak in.

          You end up italicizing the whole damned place.

          Fortunately, I was able to ferret the little bugger out and set things right again.

  11. 3:00 am

    Don -

    Splendid post on a splendid topic – one that touches us all, whether it is a trip to the dry cleaners, a single knock and muted “Housekeeping,” before immediate entry at the motel or a purchase of produce from a median strip vendor.

    Of course, it all seems somewhat disingenuous to send the immigrants packing when each and every one of us is raised from mixed-breed, imported stock. We all are well aware that this country (specifically America, United States of) was built by immigrants. However, this doesn’t necessarily mean they should be able to stay, especially years after the fact.

    Look at it this way: my first house was built in 1903 by an assortment of immigrants, including my grandfather. When construction was completed, the crew moved on to other jobs somewhere else. They did not decide to just “stay there” because they had helped put it together.

    Of course, everything about illegal immigration gets muddied (especially those swimming the Rio Grande towards freedom) when you take into account some arbitrary lines drawn across formerly united countries by those who wished to divide and conquer.

    I arrived in Korea shortly after they had agreed to split up. North Korea wanted to run itself into the ground as a grey collection of dictatorial monoliths and widespread foot shortages. South Korea wanted stay as it had for years, enjoying the benefits of readily available foodstuffs and a much larger color palette.

    Shortly after this mostly amicable breakup, North Korea decided it wanted to have South Korea back, but only if it was willing to drop all of its excess food and colors, which were surely part of some sort of capitalist conspiracy.

    South Korea said, “Over my dead body,” and North Korea said, “That sounds like a dare to me,” and opened fire.

    Those stuck in the Northern half wanted a better life, one that could be found within grenade-throwing distance. However, immigration usually meant death and not from those on the other side of the fence (like here in the US) but from those on the same (north) side of the fence.

    The South Koreans would have welcomed their northern brothers with open arms, but after being greeted with gunfire and dead immigrants, they decided to cut their losses and get the world involved in the shouting match.

    Well, I seem to have rambled all the way out of the subject matter so I’ll try to sum things up in the next 350 words or so. Long story short, you can’t blame a person for wanting to get the hell out of a bad situation that is not of their making. In fact, I’d be highly suspicious of those who didn’t try. It would seem that they either had an inside track on the depression/oppression or were just failing to apply themselves.

    I say we welcome in these newcomers with open arms and minimum wage. Mexico’s a hell of a place to be if you’re not either a pimp or a donkey. In the immortal words of President Bonzo: “Mr. Arizona, tear down this fence/wall!”

    I’m sorry, Don. This time I have to disagree. It’s a rare moment when I do, but I still have all the respect in the world for your general outlook on life. I’m looking forward to next week’s filibuster.

    Sincerely,
    C.L. Tanager

    • 12:42 pm

      Many thanks Clifton,

      You make some damned fine points (at least 30% of which are relevant to the post itself) and I appreciate your sharing them with me.

      While I share your view that you can’t blame a person for wanting to get out of a bad situation that is not of their making, I still maintain that this country would be wise to take a page from my local legion hall. It has a sign posted at the door that says “Capacity: 225.” If you show up late on 90-cent draft night you’re expected to either join an orderly line and wait for someone to leave or be prepared to slip the doorman a $20 to jump the queue.

      We need a big damned neon sign that reads “United States. Standing Capacity: 315,000,000. (305,000,000 if using stadium seating)” and once we have it we can do a quick head count and then start constructing electric fences, scattering leg traps and building shark infested moats.

      It’s just sound public policy.

      All the best Clifton and many thanks for visiting.

      Don

  12. 3:28 am

    For the love of god, make them stop, there are only so many languages you can learn in a lifetime.

    • 1:08 pm

      Many thanks Frigginloon,

      Personally, I’m still working on learning my first one.

      All the best,

      Don

  13. The Celtic Queen permalink
    6:25 am

    Ah Don I feel for all of you and I do understand why you’ d feel that way. In Oz we are but a mere 22.000.000 and that’s Australia wide and our illegals keep coming too. I think it’s harsh to close the borders as we are a land of plenty and we need to help others in need.
    Forget about the holocaust and world war one and two. There are holocausts going on all over the world now and these people need to find refuge.
    Open your hearts to them and you’ll see they’re not all here to take your jobs, your homes and your welfare. Yes I agree some are but most are refugees. The problem is that in Oz we bring them all the Melbourne and saturate the place. Australia is a vast country so they need to spread them out. For example some should live with Kevin Rudd and a few other polies just to let them see what other Aussies are experiencing. I know we get sick of these people but they are human beings with families and feelings and a sense of survival just like us. Be compassionate to them and show then that the world is not full of dictators. We need to learn patience and understanding and reach out more to people in need. We’ve become a selfish race of people who are not willing to welcome others. We can’t turn our backs on them. If you had endure what they’ve had to we maybe a little understanding. Some have seen whole families slaughtered. How can we expect them to be normal?
    Our very own John Williamson song says, ‘May the restless and the weary find safe harbour on our shores’. Unfortunately I couldn’t find John’s version on youtube but listen the the last verse .

    You see, I wish the same for them. Australia has treated them disgracefully in the past locking them up for years at a time with their children.
    We are a disgrace and I hope the reset of the world don’t take a leaf out of our book. I hope the Green and Gold change their attitude and help these people in need to re-establish their shattered lives and help heal them once again.

    • 10:29 pm

      Many thanks Celtic Queen,

      I appreciate the very heartfelt comment (and link). I’m all for compassion, I just want a little damned elbow room.

      All the best.

      Don

  14. 7:09 am

    It seems Belgium already has some Mexicans http://www.expat-blog.com/en/nationalities/mexican/in/europe/belgium/ . I had no idea of the historical connections between Belgium and Mexico, until I tried to find a smartass reply to your post, so well done for drawing my attention to that.

    In the UK we have plenty of immigrants (we are a bit short of Mexicans mind you). Some people complain about immigration but I enjoy living in a mixture of cultures.

    Obviously we have to draw the line somewhere – for instance, I wouldn’t like French people moving here. Ugh. Reeking of garlic and sweat, shrugging at everything, smoking cigarettes that smell like burning dung, sitting outside cafes and talking about whether they exist or are just figments of their own imaginations… No, French people can stay right where they are.

    • 10:38 pm

      Many thanks blogmella,

      I fear I may have inadvertently exposed some top secret government pilot project – probably called something like “Operation Mexigian”. I expect the secret service will be banging down my door and confiscating my computer momentarily.

      And I think you’ve drawn the line at a rather reasonable place. When I first started this blog I was torn between “The Trouble with Young People” and “The Trouble with the Damned French.” I’m still not sure I made the right decision – clearly there is more material in the latter.

      All the best,

      Don

  15. elizabeth3hersh permalink
    7:18 am

    Don, I couldn’t agree with you more. Sometimes it is useful to take yourself ‘out of the country’ so to speak as to be more objective. Take England for example (we are going to steer clear of Korea although it would be interesting to envision the entire population of North Korea surging into South Korea within the span of a few weeks [if that long] if the Korean MDL dissolved). I spent five divine weeks on vacation in London in 2002. It has been my mission to embark on another sabbatical, this time perhaps six months. I would love nothing more than to land at Heathrow, hail a hackney, head over to NHS and the local school district and immediately enroll my youngest daughter in ‘free’ high school and help myself to their ‘free’ health care (after stopping first for some curry and somasas). Perhaps with some creative fabrication and shifty subterfuge, we can liberally avail ourselves to both and to make things ‘right’, volunteer for some menial token labor (as if the two would balance out economically). Enrolling in higher education would be much trickier and more likely than not, impossible, so my oldest would merely take a ‘gap year’ and explore the Cotswolds and perhaps pay a visit to Stonehenge. Housing and food subsidies would also be appreciated (after all, I am disabled and an extremely grateful person) but, now I am sounding greedy so let’s just stick with health care and education entitlements (what, I’m not entitled? Rascists!).

    Suppose the UK opened its borders to the world’s tired, poor and huddles masses. In no time, the country would be clogged. In lieu of Mexicans, it would be Middle Easterners, Eastern Europeans, Afrikaners, Russians, Asians and Indians. England per se, would cease to exist. It would be mayhem and the country could no longer sustain ‘free’ nor even offer ‘reduced’. Most troubling, England would no longer be ‘England’. In a few generations, the natives will have been ‘bred out’ (out-bred?). What is wrong with wanting to preserve (preserve being the preeminent operative word) a countries culture, language, architecture, ethnicity and bangers and mash? We can’t use minorities as an example least it be perceived as insensitive so what if the French flooded London or Brits flooded Paris (same outrage)? I think immigrants add much needed texture, culture and more often than not delicious cuisine to any country. I wouldn’t live anywhere without a smorgasbord of immigrants. Imagine a world where one can no longer advocate utilizing a gradual process of legal means and assimilation to achieve a sense of balance and ‘fairness’ for all without being castigated or labeled xenophobic (or worse).

    We now live in such a world and also a world where it is no longer ‘PC’ to obey and respect the law of the land. I’ll keep you posted on whether we were able to snag any freebies, Don. As long as they think like we do (we = throw open the borders), I should have no problem. Maybe I can get some dental work done while I’m there.

    • 10:47 pm

      Many thanks Elizabeth,

      As always, a provocative, challenging and engaging comment. I really have nothing of value to add and will refrain from lengthy remarks about the probability of short line ups for dental care.

      I’ll just thank you for the comment. I’d enjoy the opportunity to discuss this with you another time, Elizabeth. The issue of assimilation is, obviously, a delicate one and fraught with all manner of risk.

      All the best and thank you once again,

      Don

  16. Catherine permalink
    7:20 am

    A tricky subject, Don, if you went back far enough I bet not many of us are in the same place our ancestors came from. I say let the workers and make them legal in but anyone not contributing to society should have to have some kind of contraceptive device implanted before they are able to claim any kind of benefit. In fact to make room in America why not send all the layabouts to Mexico and let the Mexicans who want to work in? Not all scroungers are illegal immigrants and vice versa. An added benefit is that it would keep young ass clowns off your lawn as they would be either working, tired from working or in Mexico. Vote for me!

    • 10:52 pm

      Many thanks Catherine,

      Damn right I’ll vote for you. I’ll even put up some posters at the Seniors centre.

      All the best and thanks for visiting,

      Don

  17. lookingforsomethingtofind permalink
    8:26 am

    My idea is we should have a common sense test for people here, and those whom are obviously stupid we deport, and we give them same test for people wanting to come here, and if they pass they get in. This way, stupid people out, not stupid people in.

    • Sedate Me permalink
      4:04 pm

      Sounds like a good plan.

      Stupid people out. (Or, to be fair, sterilized.)
      Smart people in.

    • 10:54 pm

      Many thanks lookingforsomethingtofind,

      It sounds like you and Catherine would make a fine political ticket. I’ll let the two of you work out the pecking order but, once again, you could certainly count on my vote. And not to brag but I’m fairly certain I can mobilize a sizeable group of seniors on your behalf. (Just not after 8 p.m. or when the Wheel of Fortune is on).

      All the best and many thanks,

      Don

  18. Meli permalink
    11:06 am

    The whole Swiss being tolerant thing? Kind of a myth… At least when it comes to immigration. Try an EU country, perhaps the Austrians will take them, they do some yodeling too.
    You could always just build a wall around the country and shoot everyone that comes near it, worked for some until 1989 when some idiots wanted to live without a wall ;-)

    • The Celtic Queen permalink
      1:37 pm

      The Austrians won’t take them as they enjoy the population they have now. Even Ex Pat Austrians have trouble getting citizenship for their own kids.
      My Austrian friends went through the mill at the Austrian Consulate in Melbourne last week trying to renew their own passports. It’s getting tougher all the time. Imagine being an illegal??

      • Meli permalink
        2:28 pm

        Oh yeah, I forgot about that. It’s getting tougher anywhere. But I’m not talking about getting a passport just a permit to stay and there the Austrians have the same rules as the rest of the EU if I remember correctly. Which is usually easier than around here (Switzerland).

    • Sedate Me permalink
      4:14 pm

      Yeah, the Swiss are a snobby bunch. Their culture has also been oddly obsessed with keeping foreigners out.

    • 11:02 pm

      Many thanks Meli,

      I wasn’t aware of the Swiss myth…crafty bastards. They sure go to considerable lengths to appear tolerant. Thanks for setting me straight.

      I’m not sure I have a back up plan – clearly the Austrians are out of the question. Any thoughts? I hear good things about the Latvians but I have some reservations about the qualilty of their cheese.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in. Always nice to hear from you.

      Don

  19. Sedate Me permalink
    4:16 pm

    And the Irish,sir. You forgot about the damned hoards of Irish staggering into the country, getting even drunker and fighting everything that moves.

    • 11:06 pm

      Good point Sedate Me.

      I was so busy knocking the French, Austrians, Latvians, Estonians, Albanians, Cherokee, Mexicans and Mongolian Nationalists that I forgot all about the damned Irish.

      Thanks once again for keeping me on my toes, son.

      Appreciate it.

      Don

  20. 5:46 pm

    elizabeth3hersh “Suppose the UK opened its borders to the world’s tired, poor and huddles masses. In no time, the country would be clogged. In lieu of Mexicans, it would be Middle Easterners, Eastern Europeans, Afrikaners, Russians, Asians and Indians. England per se, would cease to exist…”

    You say that you were here in 2002 and enjoyed it; don’t come back, you would be heartbroken. We have ceased to exist and been replaced by a volatile mass of mutual strangers; the noxious vapours are brewing nicely and a huge eruption is not far off! Not days and weeks, but months and a few years; as is that fate of ALL empires in history. Be warned USofA, your time is numbered!

    Mr Donald, one of your best yet kind Sir!

    • 6:48 pm

      Davehambo – don’t talk rubbish. I live in Longsight Manchester, where White British people are in the minority and Muslims outnumber Christians in some areas… BUT, that is big city life and FAR from the story in the country as a whole.

      And even so, why does it mean “a huge eruption”? My neighbours put up their England flags (for the World Cup), all races here seem to work, run businesses and care about the area. Muslims in my street have put Christmas cards through our door. The men don’t drink, the women dress modestly and the kids are quiet… And many of the people you seem so worried about were BORN here. Problems like “Christmas being banned” and crap like that are caused by middle-class white people do-gooding, and then they get blown out of all proportion by the Daily Mail.

      British culture and society are constantly evolving but that doesn’t mean we “cease to exist”. If anything, I’m more aware of my culture now and more likely to act on it – for instance I’ve recently started going to our local Anglican Church, because I saw the example of people here attending Mosques and thought “Why aren’t I practicing the religion I was born into?”. In fact, my Church are now represented at scripture groups, where they talk to other religions and develop greater understanding, between the faiths.

      It isn’t all doom and gloom to welcome people into our country. And we NEED them to work in areas like the NHS too.

    • The Celtic Queen permalink
      12:18 am

      Dave in your profession I thought you’d have been more understanding to the plight of others. Your post surprises me. We have a melting pot here too but one day we will all have simmered down and hopefully learned to cope with new cultures. After all the world is changing and nothing can stop it. If we showed greater tolerance we wouldn’t have so many problems. I’m not in favour of everything they do and I really don’t like to see women clad head to toe in black but if Australia didn’t have migration we’d couldn’t survive. The people who come have added colour to places that were almost dead anyway. I love the Vietnamese I come in contact with. They integrate well and work hard. They have their own celebrations but enjoy ours too. I think if we change our way of thinking a little you’ll find that they aren’t so bad after all.

      • 6:38 am

        This is not my blog, so my reply will be short; neither blogmella or Celtic Queen agree with my opinion; that is your right. But if either make personal attacks on my integrity or professional track record then you are insulting, libellous and wrong, so fuck off…

        • elizabeth3hersh permalink
          6:52 am

          I would like to add to Dave’s commentary. As a psychiatric nursing administrator I have seen and heard (almost) everything. I think our respective careers have given us an insight and world view that is much broader that what one experiences ‘personally’ or in one’s own neighborhood or through friends. We see all strata of life at its deepest, darkest and ugliest. Even tolerance can be pathological. I refuse to be tolerant of NAMBLA, criminal enterprise and religious zealots that believe 72 virgins await them in heaven if they blow up an Israeli pizza parlor. I also practice what I preach. I gave up my own religion as I felt adhering to those ridiculous beliefs ‘enable’ others to adhere to their equally ridiculous beliefs (all in the name of ‘tolerance’).

          • Sedate Me permalink
            2:54 pm

            Hey, what has NAMBLA ever done to anybody? ;)

          • 8:12 am

            “I think our respective careers have given us an insight and world view that is much broader that what one experiences ‘personally’ or in one’s own neighborhood or through friends.”

            I have worked amongst some of the poorest people in this country and I have lived through some very tough times myself. I have also been well off and sent my son to an extremely expensive private school – where I mixed daily with very rich people. I ran a playgroup for a while and I have also been a carer for the elderly. I’ve volunteered with disbled adults and as a support/advisor for parents of children with special needs. I was brought up in a community where you never saw a black, or Asian, face – I now live in an area where whites are a minority.

            You and Dave may not share my views but please don’t insult me by insinuating that I have less knowledge, or life experience, than you.

        • The Celtic Queen permalink
          8:14 am

          Elizabeth and Dave, we are entitled to our opinion and you can phrase it as eloquently as you like it won’t change a thing . In your field you may see things at their ugliest but so have some of the illegals. Where would you like them to go? What would you have the government do to them. We’ve had illegals detained and locked up for years . They protest by sewing their lips together. Their voices are not heard. I just said I felt you in your field you would have been a little more tolerant. You can’t tar everyone with the same brush as you have your own very own religious zealots and criminal elements probably in your very own street.
          I can’t see where I personally attacked you, I said I thought you’d be more tolerant, if even THAT hit a nerve how would you be treating me? And Dave, I’m an Ex Pat from your neck of the woods. Scotland /England ain’t that big.

          • 8:18 am

            I fail to understand your last sentence other than some kind of threat, I’m out of here.

            Sorry Don that your post got derailed.

            • The Celtic Queen permalink
              9:09 am

              Some kind of threat? Are you serious.? Here I was thinking you were an intelligent human being. I don’t always say I’m SCOTTISH as England and Scotland really is one small dot on the map. I still have ties to my homeland and worry about what happens there too. You’re far too sensitive Dave. Now I am really worried about you.

        • 8:23 am

          Dave – anyone who wants to form an opinion on you can do it from your own words, they say more about you than I ever could.

    • elizabeth3hersh permalink
      6:37 am

      Yes, I know exactly what you are talking about, Dave. I actually felt compelled to quickly and discreetly remove my אני ♥ ישראל button while seated across from three men on the Tube holding [...] passports and glaring at us and there were other memorable episodes as well. We experienced it firsthand. I, too, think it will be matter of months and years for a “huge eruption” as you aptly put it. Those that don’t assimilate tend to be particularly pernicious as there is no buffer zone for the religious inculcation and indoctrination of the youth. Scary, indeed.

      • elizabeth3hersh permalink
        6:40 am

        אני ♥ ישראל (The heart icon was left out above..I’ll try it again)

    • 11:28 pm

      Thank you Dave, I appreciate your sharing your views and welcome your perspective on the issue.

      Seeing as how this comment thread has gone a little off the rails, I’ve taken the liberty of providing the full text of my unpublished comment policy below. I do this for the benefit of all – not specifically due to your damned cursing.

      Best regards,

      Don

  21. 6:03 pm

    @Don

    Have ‘em all come up here to Canada, if they can take it.

    The minus 40 tends to weed out the riff-raff.

    • Catherine permalink
      7:21 pm

      Count me in with the riff-raff. Minus 40 would keep me away. Brrrr…. I’m shivering at the very thought of it!

    • 11:30 pm

      Many thanks Friar,

      Be careful what you ask for lad. But still, I suspect -40 would indeed deter those with a less than hardy nature. You catching any fish these days or is it still -40 up there?

      Best regards,

      Don

      • Friar permalink
        3:06 am

        Don

        The temperatures have been in the balmy low 70′s. We were on the verge of getting frost as of last week, but I think we’re now safely past the point at which the furnace no longer needs to be turned on at night.

        I’ve been doing plenty of fishing, but I’ve been getting skunked lately. They just don’t seem to be biting.

        I blame Al Gore and Lady Gaga.

  22. 8:08 pm

    That’s why Toronto and Vancouver or so popular with the homeless in Canada.

    Vancouver never gets that cold..and Toronto is also mild, plus it has subway warm air vents.

  23. 6:56 am

    You could not have possibly said it any better than me Don. While you say it with the perfect amount of sarcasm….(which is perfect because the mouth breathers have no idea what sarcasm is) to express your opinion eloquently.

    I have to take the Native American stance on the issue. They could not grasp the concept of land ownership. After all we belong to the land. The land can not belong to us. How can a fragile human being lay claim and dominion over something that will ‘outlive’ them by eons?

    And on the much smaller scale of country ‘ownership’ and immigration I’m an open border/let the strong survive kind of guy, as you might expect with all of this European influence impairing my judgments.

    • Sedate Me permalink
      3:06 pm

      A native acquaintance of mine once told me, “If only we natives had a tougher immigration policy. Damned illegal immigrants came in, took over, and ruined the place.”

    • 11:32 pm

      Many thanks Scott,

      I’d say that European influence is serving you well lad.

      All the best,

      Don

  24. 1:11 pm

    Great blog! I totally agree! I would start by getting the immigrants out of the American entertainment industry so people can enjoy American entertainment again.

    • Sedate Me permalink
      3:10 pm

      Yeah, starting with TV shows and movies about terrorism.

      • Sedate Me permalink
        3:14 pm

        …and crime. How could I forget crime?

        Actually, between the two, that covers damn near the entire American entertainment industry, anyway. So, never mind.

    • 11:35 pm

      Many thanks Ahmnodt,

      I’d start with that Doctor House imposter. While he sounds American and looks American, I have it on good authority he’s actually a Mongolian Nationalist with touch of Albanian heritage and Estonian on his mother’s side.

      And possibly part Cherokee.

      All the best,

      Don

  25. Hitmouse permalink
    3:24 pm

    I found your wonderful comments about the world today on Onegoodmove, and subscribed.
    Taking your policy statement “Now That I’m Here No One Else Should Be Allowed In” as a reasonable beginning I wondered if you had ever come across the equivalent phrase “Pull up the ladder, Jack, I’m alright.”? I believe it has naval connections and was the basis of the old Peter Sellers movie “I’m all right, Jack”.
    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=I%27m%20all%20right%20jack

    • 11:39 pm

      Many thanks Hitmouse,

      I appreciate the kind words and the link. I was familiar with the phrase “I’m all right, Jack” and know the movie but wasn’t aware of the full phrase or its origin.

      I truly appreciate your sharing that with me. Damned interesting and very apt.

      My sincere thanks,

      Don

  26. 6:03 pm

    love your idea of adding some gymnastics into the schools’ curriculums!

    • 11:40 pm

      Nice to hear from you Jill,

      Everyone needs to know how to tumble.

      All the best and thanks for visiting,

      Don

  27. 11:17 pm

    Given the nature of some of the comments included above, I thought I would take a moment or two to restate the unpublished comment policy that I full expected people to follow. (I would draw your attention to sections 3 and 6 in particular).

    Comment Policy

      Preamble

    I welcome your comments on this blog but would please ask that you read – and commit to memory – the following comment policy. (If you would prefer, you can order the comment policy on tape for $13.99 plus S&H. Elaine Stritch did the reading and I think it turned out nicely.)

    Disclaimer:

    The comment policy is subject to change based on whim, my mood, the phase of the moon or adjustments to my medication. Changes may occur at any time without prior notice or consultation. Changes to the policy may or may not be reflected in the written policy.

    Table of Contents

    Section 1 – Moronic Comments from Indignant Young People

    Section 2 – Acceptable and Unacceptable Forms of “isms”

    Section 3 – Choose your words carefully

    Section 4 – Respect for your Elders

    Section 5 – Use of Acronyms, Abbreviations and Emoticons

    Section 6 – Commenting on Comments.

    Section 7 – Deleting, Editing or completely rewriting comments

    Section 8 – McCarthy Style Blacklisting. What are my options now?

    Section 9 – Why the First 8 Sections are Irrelevant

    Section 1 – Moronic Comments from Indignant Young People

    I welcome moronic comments from indignant young people. They’re extremely insightful and usually very amusing. So please, get up on your hind legs and bray like the teenaged jackass God intended you to be. The more the merrier, damn it.

    I get very frustrated, however, when the damned young people completely forgo punctuation and leave generally unreadable gobbledegook like this:

    hey wats all ofthis i eancim on every oe knows ware they learn them from its all u parents .. i mean if u dont want them to say them then take them out of scool take away tier friends and dontcuss in frunt ofthem and donttlet thembe human .. i mean for crying out loud is a cuss word what theheack its not the endoftheworld …. ww they sed somthing their notsupose o say but t least thier getting thier feelings out on how they feel .. people just lighten up go to cherch or something geessss!!!!!!

    I don’t care whether you agree with me or not but it’s damned near impossible to respond if you’ve been high on methamphetamine for 5 days before visiting. Put down the damned pipe, have a decent nights sleep and write me when you’re pupils aren’t the size of dinner plates.

    Feel free to disagree with me, insult me or just go off on a tirade about generalizations, stereotypes and how my generation ruined the planet for you and your slacker friends. I won’t edit you unless you violate the terms of Sections 3 through 9 or if I just don’t like the cut of your jib.

    Decent and sensible young people, of course, are always welcome to comment too.

    Section 2 – Acceptable and Unacceptable Forms of “isms”

    I don’t like damned “isms” and their use should be avoided at all costs. This would include making remarks that might carry the taint of sexism, racism, communism, jingoism, and of course, ageism.

    Please note that I am also not fond of anthropomorphism, antidisestablishmentarianism, hedonism, priapism or animal magnetism (other forms of magnetism are acceptable provided they are used in proper context). I have a passing tolerance for Confucianism, feudalism, Gnosticism, hirsutism and journalism and would suggest they be used infrequently and only to support non-ism based arguments.

    While tolerated, I would prefer not to see evidence of rednickism, vulgarism, voyeurism or the promotion of vegetarianism. Marxist-Leninism is a “no-no” as is rugged individualism. Optimism is encouraged but only if it relates to non-ism subject matter (e.g., optimism about communism would be considered a violation of commenting policy and would be subject to deletion, editing or scathing reply).

    Accepted isms include McCarthyism, conformism, capitalism and Don-isms.

    Orangism, nepotism and mysticism are currently under review.

    Anyone using inappropriate “isms” is subject to editing, deletion and or McCarthy-era blacklisting.

    Section 3 – Choose your Words Carefully

    I’d prefer you not swear. It’s uncouth and a lazy way of communicating, damn it. If you must swear, use some common sense and try not to pepper your prose with too much profanity.

    There are some curse words, however, that I can’t abide. As a guide, ask yourself whether your mom would have cracked you with a rolling pin if you’d used it in front of her. If the answer is “yes” than you probably don’t want to use it here. I may not have a rolling pin but I have a wide network of angry old ladies who are just looking for an excuse to track you down and beat the snot out of you.

    So watch your language. Or don’t. Chances are if you’re going to swear at me you aren’t concerned about any damned comment policy anyway.

    Section 4 – Respect for your Elders

    Building on Section 3, and continuing on the subject of words, avoid calling my “gramps”, “grampy” or “grandpa.” I’m not your damned grandfather and grateful for it. Show some damned respect for people older, smarter and better attired then you.

    If you are under 40 call me “Mr. Mills” or “Sir”. I’ll let you know if and when it is okay to refer to me by my given name.

    If you are between 40 and 60, you may call me Don on your 3rd approved comment or when you sense that we have established a decent, collegial relationship.

    If you are over 60 you may call me Don or Donald without receiving prior approval.

    Public school friends may still call me “Stinky” and college friends may use the nickname “Scooter” if feeling nostalgic.


    Section 5 – Use of Acronyms, Abbreviations and Emoticons

    I have nothing against traditional abbreviations like NASA, AARP and COLGATE but I can’t stand the lazy short forms young people use in order to ease communication. And I don’t understand what any of it means. To me, BFF means Bran Flakes Forever.

    Emoticons scare the hell out of me. Especially the animated ones. It’s like having the DTs without the benefit of ever having had a drink. I won’t edit them out but I don’t like them and they make me itchy.

    Section 6 – Commenting on Comments

    I have no problem with people taking a pot shot at me. Call me any name you like (see Section 1) but don’t demean or humiliate others unless they are ignorant young people who fully deserve it. Trust me, you’ll know it when you see it. It looks a little like this:

    You know what? Go f* yourself. I’m 16 years old and i’m 6′3″.

    You’re calling me a freak of nature? The way people look at me in the highschool hallway gives me the same feeling. I didn’t ask to be tall, nor do I want to be tall. If height alterations were the way you put them Don, I would have told myself to stop growing when i was 5′8″ at the age of 13.

    I have my whole highschool thinking that I’m a freak. Now I have an old man’s posted blog saying that I’m a freak, that I’m sex-crazed and all that bullshit. It makes us “freakishly” tall people feel oh so great about ourselves, especially during puberty.

    Am I disrespectful to my mother because I’m taller than her? I respect my mother. No one deserves more respect than she does. If being shorter than her would be more respectful, I’d cut off my legs you bastard.

    So be nice and remember, playful banter is only fun until I say it isn’t.

    Section 7 – Deleting, Editing or Completely Rewriting Comments

    I’ve never done it but I reserve the right to edit, delete or drastically rewrite negative comments. If I do rewrite your comment and change (“doddering old bastard” into “dashing old rascal”) I may or may not acknowledge that fact.

    Section 8 – McCarthy Style Blacklisting

    If I’ve blacklisted you from the blog chances are you’re a 16-21 year old male who doesn’t know when to stop. I’ve only done it once but I’m prepared to do it again if you insist on being a complete assclown and hijacking the conversation of sensible adults with your inane musings.

    If I blacklist you and you’re too damned stupid to understand why, send me an email. I won’t respond but it might make you feel better.

    Section 9 – Why the First 8 Sections are Irrelevant

    You have free reign to comment as you like but if you cross me, all bets are off and I’ll do whatever the Hell I see fit. Remember, my freedom of speech is guaranteed. Yours, not so much.

    Thank you for your understanding.

    Don

    • 6:51 pm

      This could be a blog posting on it’s own! Excellent policy. I may request to borrow it some time.

    • 2:15 pm

      Well said, Sir.

      Also, I thought I would let you know that I was called a “crotchety old man” this weekend on two separate occasions.

      I’m 27.

  28. 2:53 am

    Don~(according to section 4 of Comment Policy, I am to address you as Don. But let the court know I am closer to forty than I am to sixty. Just sayin’)

    Here’s the deal: We open the border, invite them all, including their drug mafia, but they can only arrive through one corridor. And while they are entering through the one corridor, we Americans are exiting into their country through all the other avenues. As soon as they get here, they’ll see we’ve all left and turn around and go home. But they can’t. We’ve secured the border properly this time (we were flimsy with security before because we weren’t really serious, just trying to gain their interest), and we are now sunning ourselves on their beautiful beaches.

    • 1:19 pm

      Thank you Tricia,

      Duly noted. Personally, I’m not one for the beach. I freckle and am a firm believer that once you hit 70 public bathing is largely inappropriate and potentially frightening to others (I reference my last set of trading cards as an example of my point).

      Still, I’m all for sneaky subterfuge and trickery and your plan is fine example of both.

      All the best. It’s always a pleasure to hear from you.

      Don

  29. The Celtic Queen permalink
    3:35 am

    Good post Don so I can call you Don according to section 4 and according to section 3 out of respect for you and your blog I never direct the ”F” word at anyone in particular. It’s vulgar and in Scotland if your used the F or B word you’d better mean it and take the consequences, or run for the hills before someone takes a stick to you. The C word you’d never want to use on me because I’d KILL!!
    No 9 Don,well I’d never dream of crossing you. I don’t always agree but feel I get that across in the nicest possible way.
    So I suppose I have to wait till no 10 next week to see what else you have in store.

    Pleasant week to you Don.

    • 12:43 pm

      Many thanks Celtic Queen,

      I always enjoy some decent debate. I’m not concerned about you “crossing me.” Most of the rules were developed with damned young people in mind.

      All the best,

      Don

  30. ferxist permalink
    9:06 am

    Dear Sir,

    It is the same situation here in the National Capital Region in the Philippines. Just as America is a melting pot, so too is Manila. It’s like a mini America I live in here, only difference is that the immigrants are all provincial, and not international.

    I agree. I will apply it to my situation this time: we have to send them back to the provinces so they can earn a living there, perhaps even urbanize their homes. However, I think that will only happen when this government turns federal, so that the provincial capitals have roughly the same power as the national capital in terms of utility and urbanity (if that is a word).

    It is the same situation with the world and America. Sir, unless you can find a way to give all countries roughly the same power as America does, you will not get rid of your immigration problem.

    And I really ought to have put this on my blog, but I’m running out of time on this computer.

    Pax,
    Jonathan Ferxist

    • 12:46 am

      Many thanks young Jonathan,

      People certainly will be drawn to opportunity. It’s hard to fault them for that. Interesting to hear you’re experiencing similiar issues (albeit in a different form) in the Phillippines. My knowledge of cultures other than North America is sadly lacking. A sadly not uncommon.

      Many thanks for visiting. I always enjoy hearing from you.

      My best regards,

      Don

  31. elizabeth3hersh permalink
    9:56 am

    In response to blogmella:

    Oh, dear. I was thinking more along the lines of humorous quips, friendly banter and an exchange of ideas. If the fine people at the Brookings Institution, Heritage Foundation or Cato Institute sat around and took social issues too ‘personally’, we would all be in a pickle. No, I was thinking more along the lines of the economic and social costs. And you know what? I just realized there is no humor in mathematics which is really fascinating! After all, math is the language of the cosmos! I think we can all agree that there are the laws of physics and everything else is opinion. But, who is going to pay for ‘policy and opinion’? I’ll keep this brief: an immigrant couple enters the US illegally. They quickly secure low paying jobs. They go on to have five children. It costs around $9,000 per child for an uncomplicated delivery (not including pre-natal care which will add thousands). Annual national average for public school costs around $9,600 times 18 years. Times five children. For one family. Times millions of families. Times tens or hundreds of millions of families if we open our borders. I only touched on two of the costs (there are many more costs): maternity and education. If my math is correct, the delivery and public school education alone comes to 909 million dollars and we didn’t even touch on ‘free’ health care and all the other ‘freebies’ that come with a social safety net. How in the world is an immigrant family (who is sending money back to Mexico) going to fund all these entitlements? See where I am going with this? Our economy is teetering on collapse. I would love to hear from readers on how we can afford illegal immigration (I really want to know!).

    I’ll close with a few math jokes:

    Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

    Teacher: What is 2k + k?
    Student: 3000!

    Q: What did the constipated mathematician do?
    A: He worked it out with a pencil!

  32. 10:19 am

    I hated immigrants so much I was going to divide myself into parts equal to the countries I’m originally from, which is many, and move back to them. I then figured out if I did that, some mangy dog would eat my left big toe in Slavobia, so I nixed that idea, not that I have anything against mangy dogs eating.

    I then figured If I couldn’t beat them, as that’s against the law, I would join them. So I illegally crossed over into Mexico, paid a coyote a couple thou to smuggle me back into the US, which he did, and I’ve been eating tortillas ever since. I must say, though, if I start listening to mariachi music, I’m going back to plan #1.

    • 10:23 am

      And I must say, Don, those are some awesome %^&$$# *+_**& &^%##!( rules.

    • 12:50 am

      Many thanks Jammer,

      Those Slavobian toe eating dogs are damned notorious – but loyal as hell and they make fine pets.

      Enjoy your tortillas Jammer and thanks for visiting. Glad to hear you’re keeping yourself in tact for the time being.

      All the best,

      Don

  33. The Celtic Queen permalink
    11:39 am

    Our economy is teetering on collapse. I would love to hear from readers on how we can afford illegal immigration (I really want to know!).

    Well Elizabeth if your government would keep their noses out of other peoples business your ecomony would be in a whole lot better shape. Those weapons of mass destruction which you still haven’t found cost you and other countries billions not millions and will continue to do so. No wonder Canada didn’t want any part of it. Nor did Australia but somehow wee Johny Howard’s best mate got as all involved in have been paying a very heavy price at the pumps ever since. The wars the two Bushes just had to have. Don’t get me wrong I do like Americans and have Scottish cousins living in New York, not illegals they are engineers and pay taxes but you seem to have money for fighting all sorts of causes while you are all suffering from a poor health system and may other social issues. I say America should clean up it’s own back yard and stop going in half cocked and better still don’t rope us into wars that have absolutely nothing to do with us. Vietnam taught them nothing .
    By the way in OZ a delivering a baby cost nothing like $9000.00
    Apparently your doctors are overcharging. No wonder things are so bad.
    I say your public school costs are inflated also. Best you move here where you receive $5000.00 Government grant for each child you have. You pay the health insurance b an the govern ment reward you for each child.
    Oz isn’t such a bad place to live even with all our illegals and our migrants.
    We’re just a laid back tolerant bunch . Aussie Aussie Aussie oi oi oi!

  34. Elmako permalink
    4:56 pm

    Don,
    I am very new to this blog, and I have enjoyed it all very much and found participating very envigorating as well as allowing me some creativity.
    I am not sure that the following is appropriate for your site, but having spent 30 years in the trenches trying to enforce these statutes, I have found that a retired brother in arms put it very well in the following letter. Should you decide it is not material for your site, I would not be offended.
    I have sent it to my representatives…with no response to date.

    LETTER FROM A RETIRED BORDER PATROL AGENT:

    This letter sent to Tennessee Senator Bill Frist from a retired border patrol agent,
    and it has more common sense than all the bull being spewed from the Senate,
    with the exception of a few sensible representatives.

    Dear Senator Frist:

    There is a huge amount of propaganda and myths circulating about illegal aliens,
    particularly illegal Mexican, Salvadorian, Guatemalan and Honduran aliens.

    #1. Illegal aliens generally do NOT want US citizenship. Americans are very vain
    thinking that everybody in the world wants to be a US citizen. Mexicans, and
    other nationalities want to remain citizens of their home countries while obtaining
    the benefits offered by the United States such as employment, medical care,
    instate tuition, government subsidized housing and free education for their
    offspring. Their main attraction is employment and their loyalty usually remains
    at home. They want benefits earned and subsidized by middle class Americans.
    What illegal aliens want are benefits of American residence without paying
    the price.

    #2. There are no jobs that Americans won’t do. Illegal aliens are doing jobs
    that Americans can’t take and still support their families. Illegal aliens take
    low wage jobs, live dozens in a single residence home, share expenses and
    send money to their home country. There are no jobs that Americans won’t
    do for a decent wage.

    #3. Every person who illegally entered this nation left a home. They are NOT
    homeless and they are NOT Americans. Some left jobs in their home countries.
    They come to send money to their real home as evidenced by the more than 20
    billion dollars sent out of the country each year by illegal aliens. These illegal
    aliens knowingly and willfully entered this nation in violation of the law and
    therefore assumed the risk of detection and deportation. Those who brought their
    alien children assumed the responsibility and risk on behalf of their children.

    #4. Illegal aliens are NOT critical to the economy. Illegal aliens constitute less
    than 5% of the workforce. However, they reduce wages and benefits for lawful
    US residents.

    #5. This is NOT an immigrant nation. There are 280 million native born
    Americans. While it is true that this nation was settled and founded by
    immigrants (legal immigrants), it is also true that there is not a nation on
    this planet that was not settled by immigrants at one time or another.

    #6. The United States is welcoming to legal immigrants. Illegal aliens are not
    immigrants by definition. The US accepts more lawful immigrants every year
    than the rest of the world combined.

    #7. There is no such thing as the “Hispanic vote.” Hispanics are white, brown,
    black and every shade in between. Hispanics are Republicans, Democrats,
    Anarchists, Communists, Marxists and Independents. The so-called “Hispanic
    vote” is a myth. Pandering to illegal aliens to get the Hispanic vote is a dead end.

    #8. Mexico is NOT a friend of the United States. Since 1848 Mexicans have
    resented the United States. During World War I Mexico allowed German Spies
    to operate freely in Mexico to spy on the US. During World War II Mexico
    allowed the Axis powers to spy on the US from Mexico. During the Cold War
    Mexico allowed spies hostile to the US to operate freely. The attack on the Twin
    Towers in 2001 was cheered and applauded all across Mexico. Today Mexican
    school children are taught that the US stole California, Arizona, New Mexico
    and Texas. If you don’t believe it, check out some Mexican textbooks written
    for their school children.

    #9. Although some illegal aliens enter this country for a better life, there are 6
    billion people on this planet. At least 1 billion of those live on less than one
    dollar a day. If wanting a better life is a valid excuse to break the law and sneak
    into America, then let’s allow those one billion to come to America and we’ll turn
    the USA into a Third World nation overnight. Besides, there are 280 million native
    born Americans who want a better life. I’ll bet Bill Gates and Donald Trump want
    a better life. When will the USA lifeboat be full? Since when is wanting a better
    life a good reason to trash another nation?

    #10. There is a labor shortage in this country. This is a lie. There are hundreds
    of thousands, if not millions, of American housewives, senior citizens, students,
    unemployed and underemployed who would gladly take jobs at a decent wage.

    #11. It is racist to want secure borders. What is racist about wanting secure
    borders and a secure America? What is racist about not wanting people to sneak
    into America and steal benefits we have set aside for legal aliens, senior citizens,
    children and other legal residents? What is it about race that entitles people to
    violate our laws, steal identities, and take the American Dream without paying
    the price? For about four decades American politicians have refused to secure
    our borders and look after the welfare of middle class Americans. These
    politicians have been of both parties. A huge debt to American society has
    resulted. This debt will be satisfied and the interest will be high. There has
    already been riots in the streets by illegal aliens and their supporters. There will
    be more. You, as a politician, have a choice to offend the illegal aliens who have
    stolen into this country and demanded the rights afforded to US citizens or to
    offend those of us who are stakeholders in this country. The interest will be steep
    either way. There will be civil unrest. There will be a reckoning. Do you have the
    courage to do what is right for America? Or, will you bow to the wants and needs
    of those who don’t even have the right to remain here? There will be a reckoning.

    It will come in November of this year. We will not allow America to be stolen by third world agitators and thieves.

    David J. Stoddard
    US Border Patrol (RET)
    Hereford, Arizona

    Please pass this letter on to everyone you know, including your senators and
    Congressmen. We must do something about this serious problem NOW!

    • 8:22 pm

      Well said.

    • 12:55 am

      Many thanks Elmako,

      I have no idea what might be appropriate for this site. Just over the past few days we seem to have run the gamut from Mongolian Nationals to near fist fights to Billy Van’s Party Game to Immigration Policy to Math Jokes and back again.

      So, please, by all means…

      I appreciate the perspective, the comment and your visit. All the best. I hope to hear from you again.

      Don

  35. Sedate Me permalink
    6:59 pm

    Oh…Ahmnodt was talking about ALL foreign nationals. I thought he was just using “immigrant” as the code word for “non-white”. Sorry, force of habit.

    But that brings up an excellent point. The US entertainment business is chock full of “aliens”, as the Americans call them. Unlike illegals picking vegetables in near slavery conditions, these entertainment aliens actually HAVE stolen jobs that Americans WANT. Oddly enough, nobody gets upset about foreigners stealing good paying America acting jobs, but they do get pissed when Pedro takes a job scrubbing shit off the floor in a bus station bathroom for $2.95 an hour.

    Anyway, half the shows on TV have at least one Brit, Canadian or Aussie in the cast. FOX, owned by an Aussie, is absolutely filthy with aliens. As you pointed out, Mr Mills, House is a good example (Brit & Aussie) and it was created and written by Canuck.

    Fringe is another FOX example. Shot in Canada, Fringe’s , 3 major characters are played by 2 Aussies and 1 Canadian. And talk about “illegal aliens”, they even have that green-blooded Vulcan, Dr Spock of Star Trek fame, which itself was lousy with Canadians. In fact, most “American” Sci-fi is shot in Canada and barely has more than a couple of Yanks in the entire production. (See: the Stargate & Battlestar Galactica series)

    Aliens playing aliens. Go figure.

    • Sedate Me permalink
      7:06 pm

      Rats, that comment was supposed to be a reply to something about 20 comments up.

    • The Celtic Queen permalink
      11:37 pm

      Come down under to Oz, all we see is American shows and American ads so go figure. But I must admit I love Two and Half Men. Let’s face it, we don’t have as many good actors as you. Even Mel I don’t know whether I’m and Aussie or a Yank Gibson does the worst Scottish accent I’ve ever heard.

      Elmako good post !

    • 1:01 am

      Never mind Sedate me. Things have gone a little off the rails anyway. Since we’ve lost our way, I wanted to ask if you were familiar with this uniquely Canadian contribution to the world of entertainment?

      • Sedate Me permalink
        4:09 pm

        Sir, you have me on the verge of a breakdown. I’m not sure I can take any more. If I go much further down this rabbit hole http://www.tvarchive.ca/ of Canadian TV nostalgia, they’re going to find my skeleton in the basement, next to a half dozen empty liquor cases and a TV with a VCR tape-loop of The Littlest Hobo running.

        I actually DO vaguely remember seeing old re-runs of this show as a kid. Unfortunately, aside from laughing hysterically at this kooky, “groovy”, 1971 show, I really only recall a couple of things about it. First, it reminded me of That Girl, which is probably exactly what they had in mind. Second, I thought Diane Nyland was really hot! It was either her or Trudy Young (George, Strange Paradise) who gave me the first pup-tent in my pants.

        As I understand it, this show was shot at a local TV station and made for a regional audience to be aired in an after-school time slot. If I recall, there was a lot of drinking, smoking and double entendre for a kid’s show. Perhaps it was meant to appeal to horny teenage boys and “unliberated” housewives having a cocktail and a laugh to fortify themselves before their husbands came home. I have a suspicion it was meant to be somewhat “ironically funny” and mocking of its own genre. For example, while airing only in Canada, it was unofficially set in America. Strange, but then again, most TV made in 1970′s Canada was made by people who were high at the time. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRODrodq0ws&NR=1

        Sir, I don’t know how familiar you are with the Canadian TV scene, but our national networks are owned by some of the biggest corporations in the country. Yet, they claim they can only afford to produce a handful of shows and fill the rest of the day with American programs. But somehow, when the country had half the population, even LOCAL stations produced almost as much content as ENTIRE NETWORKS do today and still managed to survive.

        Ok, if I don’t get into a good scrap to clear my head right now, I’m heading for the basement.

  36. CrankyAlaskan permalink
    7:09 pm

    Short time reader, first time commenter.
    Mr. Mills, have you thought of running for President? You seem like a very logical fellow and we could sure use some of that logic in the White House right now.

    • 1:07 am

      Welcome CrankyAlaskan,

      Thank you for the kind words. I like to consider myself a logical sort of man. In fact, I take my lack of interest in seeking public office as a very good indicator of both common sense and logic.

      I worked in government for a good portion of my career and have had enough of politicians, bureaucrats and red tape to last me a lifetime.

      All the best and thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  37. Sedate Me permalink
    4:34 pm

    So many valid, worthwhile, well thought out, points to address in what could easily be written off as the ramblings of a bitter, old, man who worked for years trying to negate the effects of gravity. Here’s the short version of my response to some of them, hopefully without breaking this website’s Kayfabe regulations in the process:

    #1: Yes, it IS American vanity that makes them think everybody wants to become Americans. Central Americans in particular are mostly just interested in getting jobs in the US and sending money back home to help their families. Some actually double-down on the danger by crossing the border in both directions because they see work as the only reason worth being in America. Similarly, the only reason American young people get jobs is for the money, money to buy Call of Duty 7. As soon as they buy it, they quit their job, stay in their room and play it all day long.

    #2 & #10: Yeah. There are NO jobs Americans won’t do. Well, except for the ones they won’t do because they don’t like the pay or the work conditions. Enter Mexicans. They leap fences, swim across rivers and now avoid Predator Drones to take the shitty jobs lazy, young, Americans are unwilling to do for such little pay. But, to their credit, you don’t see Mexicans whining about it, even though some become slaves in the process. http://www.gourmet.com/magazine/2000s/2009/03/politics-of-the-plate-the-price-of-tomatoes

    People have to realize that employers set wages and work conditions, not the worker. So, if you Americans want a job in the future, you better start learning how to please employers by do some good ol’ fashioned backbreaking labour and stop crying about those “dirty Mexicans stealing all the jobs I’d never do in a million years.” Suck it up Princess! This isn’t some mamby-pamby socialist state where people mollycoddled with “fairness”. Exploitation is the American way. Get used to it or move to Sweden!

    #4: I agree that illegal aliens are NOT critical to the economy, yet they CAN ruin it. While this assertion appears completely illogical, it isn’t. The thinking is that the fields of work that illegals are most prevalent in (agriculture & food, child care, or domestic labour) are just like the financial industry. They consist of a small number of people doing completely superfluous things, but those things can destroy the entire economy. Perhaps the solution is the same. Give these illegals multi-trillion dollar government bailouts, so they can reward themselves with necessary bonuses, collect their Golden Parachutes, retire to Mexico and give Americans a crack at these highly sought after jobs.

    #5: You’re right. America is NOT an immigrant nation. Modern America is just the logical continuation of the Mohawk Confederacy. Contrary to popular belief, when the Statue of Liberty reads “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” it is actually being ironically funny. Most people don’t expect such elitist humour at a national monument, so I understand the confusion. Perhaps the inscription should be replaced with the original text, “Get the Hell off my lawn, or I’ll blow your fucking head off!” (I’m very sorry about the profanity, Mr Mills, but I needed to be historically accurate.)

    #7: Yes, there is no such thing as the “Hispanic vote”. Hispanics, like young Americans, are too illiterate to vote right. Literacy tests should be re-instated to deny these groups the chance to vote and wreck havoc upon the electoral process. It worked with the Blacks for a long time, until the tests were replaced with Criminal Disenfranchisement lists. Why shouldn’t it work with other hopeless, “dead end” voter groups like Hispanics, soccer moms, or Reagan Democrats?

    #8. Yes, Mexico is NOT a friend of the United States. Mexicans showed German spies how to slip across the border back in WW2. For that, they should be held to account the same way America continues to punish the Axis Powers (Germany, Italy, Japan) themselves. Just because Mexicans aren’t white, doesn’t mean we should forgive them so quickly. They continue to engage in hostile acts like slipping Eric Estrada across the border to infiltrate the entertainment media like he was Rupert Murdoch or something.

    But if you think Mexican textbooks are bad (they even write them in secret code called “Spanish”) you should see Canadian textbooks. Canada is also no friend of America. In 1812, we actually went to war with you and have hated you ever since, conspiring with Mexico to force you to sign the NAFTA Agreement against your will. Canadian textbooks spread such preposterous falsehoods like the idea there’s an American holiday that celebrates the invasion and genocide of indigenous North Americans by the Spanish, called “Columbus Day”. And, like with Eric Estrada, Canada also sends spies like Lorne “Greencard” Green and Allan Thicke to infiltrate American culture to brainwash you. If anything, Canadians are far more dangerous because we’re white and speak English. Hell, we can even walk the streets of Arizona safely.

    Truth is, America has no friends and it should hermetically seal itself off from the rest of the world. Nothing gets in and nothing gets out.

    #9: If wanting a better life is a valid excuse to break the law and sneak
    into America, then let’s allow those one billion to come to America and we’ll turn
    the USA into a Third World nation overnight… Since when is wanting a better
    life a good reason to trash another nation?

    I wouldn’t let Dick Cheney hear you say that last part, unless you want to get water-boarded by members of his personal Blackwater detail.

    Yes, 1 billion people live on less than $1 a day and America should do whatever it takes to keep it that way because THEIR loss is YOUR gain. If America started letting them in and treating them as equal human beings, some of them might make something of themselves! Next thing you know, all American young people will be expected to make something of themselves. Can’t have that.

    However, I hate to break it to you, but with its monumental debt, its levels of poverty, addiction & violence and it’s incredibly skewed distribution of wealth, America IS ALREADY a 3rd World nation. Americans just haven’t realized it yet it.

    http://sociology.ucsc.edu/whorulesamerica/power/wealth.html
    http://www.unhabitat.org/downloads/docs/presskitsowc2008/PR%201.pdf

    But why ruin the comforting self-delusion by allowing America to actually look like a 3rd World nation by letting in the melatoninally-gifted?

    #11: “What is it about race that entitles people to violate our laws, steal identities, and take the American Dream without paying the price?

    Native Americans have been asking themselves that very same question for centuries. But these complainers forgot the Golden Rule, “Do unto others before they can see it coming.”

    Indeed, what’s racist about wanting to secure American borders from the hoards of darkies and wetbacks that want to rape our babies and eat our dogs? (Or is that “eat our babies and rape our dogs”?) What’s racist about not wanting these people to sneak into America and steal benefits given to legal aliens, senior citizens, children and other legal residents?

    That’s why I say, even better than minefields and crocodile infested moats, the most effective way to stop illegal immigration is to deny EVERYONE in America these benefits. It’s these positive benefits of living in America that are to blame for illegals wanting to go there. The miscreants races just sit in their shacks and dream about getting into America to take advantage of things like the FDIC or rooftop solar panel grants. Eliminating all the benefits of living in America would drastically reduce the incentive to come to America. As a bonus, not having to pay for these programs would drastically reduce taxes and create the kind of America that many Americans (the ones who actually count) have been longing for; an America where hard, backbreaking, work is its own reward.

    • Sedate Me permalink
      7:55 pm

      Damn it! I did both the italics screw-up and improper post placement again! Maybe I should go to the basement and warm up the VCR after all.

    • 12:22 am

      “what could easily be written off as the ramblings of a bitter, old, man who worked for years trying to negate the effects of gravity.”

      That’s a damned cheap shot, Sedate me. I’m very pro-gravity. Ask anyone.

      In fact, I like to think of myself as a man on a quest…a man in search of something. You see, Sedate me, there’s a voice that keeps on calling me, down the road, and that’s where I’ll always be. Every stop I make, I make a new friend, can’t stay for long, just turn around and I’m gone again.

      Maybe tomorrow, I’ll want to settle down. Until tomorrow, I’ll just keep moving on.

      Don

      • Sedate Me permalink
        3:42 pm

        It took me an entire vacation to stop laughing at that post. (Your grasp of my culture is impressive.) Now I’m back and can respond.

        I really should clarify myself, sir. That comment was NOT aimed at you. The post was meant as a point-by-point response to an earlier post quoting a (supposed) letter from a retired border patrol agent that was chock full of…Hobo droppings.

    • Elmako permalink
      3:59 pm

      OUCH! Not only did your magnificent educational institutions teach you to place useless “u’s” in words, but it also seems to have rewritten History and I see now you are even changing Geography! De Nile seems to now be a river in the Frozen North.
      Enlightened Policies toward the First Nations? Letting them sing at the Olympics? Sure. Here is question for you: What North American tribal leader left Canada and it’s enlightened “First Nations’” policies to return to the USA knowing he would be placed in a reservation (American for reserve) because he didn’t want his people to starve to death after two years North of the Border?
      What country created a holiday (August Day) just to give it’s citizens one more chance to get the hell out of the country and go to the USA for another vacation?
      What percentage leave the country on Victoria Day? What US States become 50% Canadian during the Winter months?
      Which country changed it’s immigration policy toward refugees and asylum applicants to keep out those fleeing repression and persecution in their home countries ? (and you’d think they’d want to replace the brain drain from the professionals that went south because of NAFTA).
      Have we thanked you for the Milennium Bomber? Where did he get the components for the explosives on his way to Victoria BC and on to the USA?
      Which country had to disband it’s Parachute Battalion? What was the reason again…torturing children in Somalia? Was that another part of the humane treatment of Native Peoples?
      The Metis Rebellion, the FLQ (Quebec Liberation Front), Newfoundland Separation Movement, Western Separation Movements… Brotherly love Canadian style?
      Taxation, Socialized Medicine (why do so many Canadians buy US Medical insurance and travel outside of Canada for treatment?).
      No bank crisis??? Talk about denial! No need to cheat the citizens through bank scams in Canada. It’s built in to the system where mortgages are “readjusted” every three to four years. Canadians pay so much in taxes they don’t even notice that they are being fleeced up front. Stand Guard for Canada faithful sons!
      Given the actions of Canadian corporations in the Third World, it would appear that Canada has a large stake in keeping them down: “The Canadian companies Barrick-Misquichilca and Antamina are under fire for not paying adequate taxes to benefit the region; for failing to hire local people — only five of the total 870 workers on the companies’ payroll are from Huaraz; and for using cyanide in their production process.”
      “For nearly 100 years, Teck Cominco’s smelter in Trail, British Columbia discharged more than 20 million tons of slag and wastes that contained metals like lead, zinc, mercury, arsenic and other toxics. The smelter is located a few miles north of the U.S. border on the Columbia River.”
      All these enlightened policies, and clubbing baby seals to boot eh?
      So please, no more lessons on social comportment and financial matters.
      But you are right in that if we stop all of our entitlements Immigration might slow down.
      Canada is a beautiful country, friendly people, great government, free medicine…You’ve done a good job of keeping the World out, so why not get your compatriots to stay?
      The only time foreigners complain about US Immigration Reform is when they think it will hurt their chances to get here.

      • Sedate Me permalink
        7:05 pm

        OUCH!

        Clearly, I’ve inadvertently wounded your American pride and have triggered the typical angry, irrational, and in this case, completely irrelevant (outside of the ironic humour potential) response that Americans are well known for. Your FOX Noise paint-by-numbers Canadian Crimes Kit comes in handy at such times. Because, if you can put a black hat on the other guy, that means you’re wearing the white hat, right? Grey hats are for the kind of freaks who believe in self-defeating notions like “nuance”.

        But you should get that injury checked out. Well, unless it’s a “pre-existing condition”, in which case you are fuc -oh yeah- I forgot about Obama Care. I know it’s anti-American, but I’m glad that has changed. The whole “pre-existing condition” thing was always too much for my feeble Canadian mind. If only I could have swum across the river as a youth, I would be able to grasp such complex notions today. It would be well worth the constant risk of bankruptcy.

        Not only did your magnificent educational institutions teach you to place useless “u’s” in words, but it also seems to have rewritten History

        Rewriting history? You mean like acting as if the English language was invented and patented by Americans and, therefore, everyone should conform to the American version?

        There’s the typical American attitude that makes us all love you so much. Declaring that American standards are the ultimate truth, to the point where you can even tell the English how to speak English properly without cracking up like Harvey Korman (A reference just for you, Mr Mills). No wonder people risk death to get into America and steal jobs Americans don’t want and American employers don’t really want to give them. The kind of infallibility that Americans have is available in only one other jurisdiction, the Vatican, but I hear its initiation rituals are a real pain in the ass.

        …now you are even changing Geography!

        Americans change geography all the time. In the late 60′s and early 70′s, American terra-forming squads achieved incredible results in Vietnam, creating large plains out of jungles and initiating vast urban renewal. There was also a lot of North This, South That, East This, and West Thats around the world, thanks largely to American and Soviet geographic ingenuity over the years.

        Along with Regime Change, these under-appreciated skills should silence the nay-sayers, but oddly they don’t.

        Enlightened Policies toward the First Nations? Letting them sing at the Olympics?

        Yeah, apart from some plague infested blankets and squashing a couple of minor half-breed rebellions, for the most part, Canadians generally practised the cowardly and barbarian techniques of signing treaties with First Nations…and then ignoring them when they proved inconvenient. Ball-less, I admit, but still effective. I actually own property on land that was granted to (then swindled from) natives by the British for fighting terrorists in the 13 Colonies, circa the 1770-80′s.

        Canada is a nation of pussies. I have no idea how we managed to expand to the Pacific Coast using such foolish methods. We should have just put bounties on Native heads and set out to kill them all like our great neighbour to the south. That’s what any civilized nation would do with the savages it needs to dispose of in order to create a more perfect union.

        In Canada’s defence, we still force many Natives to drink their own excrement and live downwind/stream from some of the nastiest polluters in the nation. But you’re right, forcing them to do minstrel shows in front of international TV audiences is just needlessly cruel and dehumanizing.

        What country created a holiday (August Day) just to give it’s citizens one more chance to get the hell out of the country and go to the USA for another vacation?…What percentage leave the country on Victoria Day?

        What is Canada, Alex?

        Like Victoria Day, August Day is holiday recognizing the great works of a leader of a foreign empire. In this case, Augustus Caesar. Word is they’re working on a Bush/Cheney Day. However, as nerds are apt to do, the bureaucracy weenies endlessly argue over who deserves the honour more, the Emperor or the Dark Lord. Nerds!

        But this is how humble Canadians are. We celebrate the accomplishments of others, probably because we have achieved nothing ourselves. The reason you notice so many Canadians crossing the border on Empire Holidays is because a tradition has developed here to honour the dominant empire of the day by visiting it on these days. The American Empire is the dominant empire (at least until the end of the month) and, as such, we visit it. I’m sure the tradition will wain once China takes over because the airline tickets will just be too expensive.

        Americans also have a holiday recognizing a foreigner. They recognize Columbus for his important role in the annihilation of indigenous cultures. The difference is that Americans adopt him as one of their own and, in a way, consider him the first American. This despite the fact that he was actually an Italian working for the Spanish government in their quest to conquer new territory and had no relationship to America whatsoever. But Americans love winners (despise losers) and will defend Columbus from detractors.

        As for travel, Americans don’t travel because they know they live in the pinnacle of human civilization. Should they ever want to expand their horizons or learn about other cultures, they join the army and set about turning said cultures into future archaeological discoveries.

        Which country changed it’s immigration policy toward refugees and asylum applicants to keep out those fleeing repression and persecution in their home countries ? (and you’d think they’d want to replace the brain drain from the professionals that went south because of NAFTA).

        What is America, Alex? Rats! You said “professionals”. I jumped on the answer assuming you were going to say “jobs” moving south in a more generic sense.

        I keep forgetting the only jobs Americans are worried about losing are the shit jobs they wouldn’t take unless their lives depended on it, not the well paying jobs that foreigners are encouraged to come and take. I have to remind myself: Coming to take jobs picking vegetables in 100F heat for 50 cents and hour is “bad for America”. Coming to take $150,000 a year jobs injecting chemicals into rats is “good for America”.

        What US States become 50% Canadian during the Winter months?

        You’re welcome. I find visiting America nice from time to time. It reminds me of how good I have it here. But as the old saying goes “Nice place to visit, but I sure wouldn’t want to live there unless I was stinking rich.”

        Speaking of travel, Germany is nice this time of year. The 40-50 thousand US troops stationed in Germany to protect America from Hitler…uh…the Soviet Union…uh…salmonella infected bratwurst would probably agree. Perhaps a visit to some German museums could offer a few “solutions” for America’s immigration problem. At the very least, you’d get to taste some real beer for a change.

        Have we thanked you for the Milennium Bomber? Where did he get the components for the explosives on his way to Victoria BC and on to the USA?

        Probably the same store the Oklahoma City Bomber got his supplies. It’s open 24 hours a day and is conveniently located next to the Interstate.

        But no, America hasn’t thanked us yet. However, you did thank us for handing you the even more dangerous Marc Emery
        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marc_Emery
        and the admittedly less dangerous Maher Arar.
        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maher_Arar

        I know how hard it is for winners like America to find time for trivialities like saying “thank you”, but as one meaty American philosopher once said “Two out of three ain’t bad.”

        Which country had to disband it’s Parachute Battalion? What was the reason again…torturing children in Somalia?

        As every American should know, torturing people is NOT grounds for serious punishment, especially punishment that extends beyond the direct participants themselves. The disbanding of the Canadian Airborne Regiment had nothing to do with torturing a few Somalian terrorists. They had the nerve to jump fences and invade Canadian territory like common Mexican savages. So just like Mexican illegals, the Somalians deserved whatever they got.

        The real reason the unit was disbanded was because the government objected to them selling Airborne Sandwiches. You should try one sometime.

        The Metis Rebellion, the FLQ (Quebec Liberation Front), Newfoundland Separation Movement, Western Separation Movements… Brotherly love Canadian style?

        Yeah, it wasn’t exactly the Black Panther Party, The American Indian movement, the Michigan Militia or, for that matter, the US Civil War, but it was as close as we could come to brotherly Love, American Style. (Yet another old reference for you, Mr Mills!)

        Blowing up mailboxes is about as violent as we get without ice or a rubber disk being involved. Shit, we even let Quebec Separatists form provincial governments and sit in the national legislature. We don’t even tap their phones or send them to Canada’s Gitmo, Baffin Island, to be ice-boarded.

        The American government spies on and/or infiltrates groups of Grannies and Quaker Prayer meetings, just in case they consider launching suicide attacks. Imagine what the US would do to separatists who actually seek to break up the nation. These stark contrasts make it embarrassing to be Canadian.

        Why do so many Canadians buy US Medical insurance and travel outside of Canada for treatment?

        Because, as you previously noted, we spend as much time as we can in America and need to be covered by insurance in case we get shot in a drive-by. The risk of being uninsured is just too much for your average wussy Canuck. Only Americans have the balls to revel in such pulse pounding liberty.

        No bank crisis???… No need to cheat the citizens through bank scams in Canada…where mortgages are “readjusted” every 3-4 years. Canadians pay so much in taxes they don’t even notice that they are being fleeced up front.

        Probably the biggest risk Canadians face is renewing their mortgage. Sometimes, the rate can change as much as a whopping 2% in the years between signing and renewal. That kind of money can mean the difference between buying a new big screen TV every year or (Gasp!) going without. Just because Canadians are free to renew their mortgages with another company doesn’t mean they probably won’t be paying full market prices. Ghastly stuff. None of those generous “introductory rate” breaks on mortgages here.

        As for financial scams, Canada just doesn’t have trillions of dollars lying around to give to our corporate fraudsters whenever their Ponzi Scheme collapses. We have to work on a cash-up-front basis. The financial industry has to cheat and steal from us in real time, sometimes with money that more or less exists.

        Paying as we go is also why we have high taxes. Unlike America, Canada actually has to pay for its debts, so we try to pay them down. We don’t have 5,000+ nuclear warheads at our disposal to keep the debt collectors at bay. In retrospect, that was a pretty wise strategy. It enabled America to ignore its bills and collect the other kids’ lunch monies at the same time. Who says America is a stupid bully?

        Given the actions of Canadian corporations in the 3rd World, it would appear that Canada has a large stake in keeping them down…Barrick Gold (blah, blah, poison, slavery, blah)…For nearly 100 years, Teck Cominco’s smelter in Trail, BC (blah, blah, mercury, lead blah, blah).

        I know this is hard for someone from an important country to relate to, but, in order to avoid getting invaded, Canada (disingenuously) declares itself a capitalist country. To keep the charade going, it allows its corporations to act like every other capitalist corporation. I know it’s only small potatoes compared to the work of your corporations, even just domestically in the US,
        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buffalo_Creek_Flood
        but your companies are so powerful, they can literally move mountains
        http://mountainjustice.org/facts/steps.php

        I know they try hard, but Canadian corporations are so much smaller and are only capable of so much destruction -er- progress.

        So please, no more lessons on social comportment and financial matters…Canada is a beautiful country, friendly people, great government, free medicine…You’ve done a good job of keeping the World out, so why not get your compatriots to stay? The only time foreigners complain about US Immigration Reform is when they think it will hurt their chances to get here.

        Yeah, I know my country is much better on the whole than yours, but to openly remind Americans of this is rude, un-Canadian, and may even trigger invasion. That’s why I usually avoid doing so.

        But that endless drumbeat of American onanism and the self-worship it produces and propagates around the world is so alluring! You just can’t escape the knob-polishing declarations of perfection and it’s done with such savvy, even the harshest sceptic occasionally falls victim to it.

        I want to live in A-mer-ica
        Everything free in A-mer-ica.

        Catchy stuff. I mean, how can you blame them?

  38. 8:39 pm

    Mr. Mills,

    (old people love that form of address, right?)

    As a young person who likes to shop for white T-shirts at JCPenny (they carry Stanford extra longs) I understand your frustration with over crowding. Nothing is more annoying than trying to get home quickly to catch the end of Judge Judy and waiting behind a pack of coal-stained Chinese people asking the cashier if “dey haz rice.”

    No there’s no rice!! It’s frickin JCPenny! Get your old people clothes, check out, and get out!

    Cripes.

    Thanks for keeping the torch lit.

    Caleb

    PS

    • 12:28 am

      Many thanks Caleb,

      An entirely appropriate form of address (and damned fine use of the word “cripes” too).

      I enjoy the JC Penney tremendously and applaud your choice of undershirt. Pop a nice crisp Oxford over top and put on a decent tie and you’ll be all set for a night at a decent, chaperoned mixed social.

      All the best lad and thanks for your comments. I appreciate hearing from you and hope you’ll stop in again.

      Don

  39. 12:37 am

    I’ve just realized that the next comment posted on this damned blog will be comment #10,000.

    I had meant to run one of those asinine blog prize competitions to mark the occasion but clearly I sobered up and forgot all about it. Still, my thanks to everyone who has contributed their time and thoughts to these “threads.” The blog has been fun but the comments have always been better.

    And, seeing as how I was planning to give away a set of “The Trouble With Young People Trading Cards” (in a fridge magnet format) anyway – if the next commenter would be interested in claiming this prize, just say so and I’ll send you an email to get your damned details.

    I’m off to blow the candles off the cake.

    Don

    • 12:44 am

      Hello. I’ll take that prize. What I wouldn’t do for a fridge magnet from the Crabby Old Fart.

      • 12:50 am

        Congratulations Tricia!

        I’m delighted to hear you’d like the prize. I’ll send you an email sometime over the weekend to ask for your mailing details and some credit card information (just for security purposes) and then pop them right in the mail.

        I’m delighted.

        All the best,

        Don

        • 12:53 am

          Yippee! I win I win I win. Address, credit cards AND social security number coming right up.

          • 1:13 am

            I will send you an email in the morning Tricia. Congratulations and thank you for all of your comments over the past few months!

            All the best.

            Don

  40. 12:49 am

    HOORAY FOR MR MILLS!

    he’s here to save us!

    Bob

    • 4:24 pm

      Very nice to hear from you, young Bob.

      My apologies. I’m overdue for a visit and will be over to see you shortly.

      I trust all is well with you and your mother.

      Don

  41. 1:11 am

    you mean i missed 10,000 by just 2 comments!! geez…..

    • 1:41 am

      Sorry Jillsy,

      A sporty new suffix I see?

      Sorry you were a tad late. It’s especially frustrating when you consider that I had originally planned to give the prize to commenter 10,002.

      All the best,

      Don

      • The Celtic Queen permalink
        2:11 am

        You crack me up Don lol. Well done Tricia.

  42. Friar permalink
    2:34 am

    Are there any more of those young-kid trading card fridge magnets?

    I’d pay good money for those.

    • 2:43 am

      I’d be happy to send you a complimentary set, Friar. Just fire off an email to me and we can work out the details.

      All the best,

      Don

  43. 3:21 pm

    Damn! There sure a lot of long comments here. I’d love to join in with them, but I can’t concentrate with all of this banging from up on my roof. I tried to tell the roofers that were supposed to be working on my neighbors roof, but no one could understand me since English doesn’t seem to be their first, second…or third language.

    So…I get a free roof out of this. Let’s keep the status quo…at least through the weekend.

  44. 6:46 pm

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    WE FINALLY AGREE!

    Well, sort of.

    Not so much about the illegal alien situation as much as how many damned people we have in this country. Too, too, many. My city is teeming with people all babbling in different languages. Not only will they NOT get out of my way (please excuse the double negative) but they don’t understand me when I scream at them to move aside. It’s all quite frustrating for me and insensitive on their part.

    On another note, I’m sorry I’m so late in commenting. It seems like there has been a free-for-all in your comments. Once I saw that you had to print your comment policy I knew something had gone awry. But quite frankly I’m too tired to read all the comments. I have SUCH a short attention span that THIS comment is already too long for me to re-read. (I hope there were no typos.)

    Well done, Mr. Mills, I look forward to your next post.

    Dr. (Mrs.) King

    • 4:31 pm

      Thank you Dr.(Mrs.) King,

      I’m delighted that we sort of agree – I was growly concerned that we would mostly largely be at odds for some time.

      I’d continue in my response but given your current level of exhaustion suspect you’ve already lost interest and moved on. I do, however, hope that you and your fine husband are both keeping well.

      All the best,

      Don

  45. 9:18 pm

    Hello Don,
    I think you have some wonderful ideas. But, I disagree just a tad bit. If we ship/parachute all the illegal Mexicans out then where would we get our Flan or Empanadas at a low price? The Rio Grande Mexican place near me would have few employees left and would have to close down. They’d never find another bunch of cooks or waiters willing to work for a few tacos and a couple of bucks. That would force me to go to Taco Bell for my chalupa fix. Of course, Taco Bell is the cheapest place in the whole country to feed your family. The last time that I was there, I spent a mere $6.35 and fed my family, several neighbors, 2 Jevoha’s Witnesses, and a drunk derelict who was begging at the stop light in front of Sav-More. But, those low prices does cause me to reflect on what exactly Taco Bell is using for their “meat filling”. The thought of eating Taco Bell to fulfill the Mexican monkey on my back makes me more than a little ill.

    However, the parachuting the aliens idea is a damn good one. Mull this over….Afghanistan! With all the new found supply of lithium, cheap labor will be in demand. I say let’s take a big Army plane full of illegals, dress them in Pizza Hut checkered table clothe headgear and drop them right into Kabul. With any luck, they’d tunnel their way right into Osama’s cave. Two birds killed with one stone!

    Your friend (and constant non-threatening stalker)
    TPB

    • 4:40 pm

      Many thanks Trailerparkbarbie,

      A very interesting approach. I imagine that the appearance of hundred of thousands of brightly attired pizza-hut employees would scare the bejeepers out of any damned nation.

      And you make a damned good point about those fast-food restaurant. Frankly, if you’re prepared to serve me steak, eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, hot rolls, pancakes and coffee for $1.99 and still make a tidy profit – I’m not sure I want to eat it.

      All the best TPB. As always, good to hear from you.

      Don

    • Sedate Me permalink
      3:52 pm

      Jesus, Trailer Park Barbie, TACO BELL???

      There’s one illegal immigrant I can most assuredly support the deportation of.

      The last time I was there (and it was not by choice) they slapped down some gooey, unrecognizable, slop on plate and gave it to me. I have absolutely no idea what it was supposed to be and the only thing I recognized on that plate was some cheese. Not surprisingly, it tasted like dogshit and I spend the rest of the day holding back the vomit.

  46. 5:44 am

    didnt the mexican lads swim the atlantic to make mexico when they left spain? i dont know much about your american history!

    Bob

    • 2:34 pm

      Bob,
      They came over on ships with Christopher Columbus. They were on the Nina, Pinta, and the Santa Claus.

  47. 7:58 pm

    Don dude,

    Compare the world population with American / Australian population density. Is this balanced worldwide?

    can you reply?
    thanks

    • 8:20 pm

      Many thanks Australia migration,

      First off, I should refer you back up a titch to the hitherto unpublished comment policy. While the word “dude” isn’t specifically referenced, its use could be considered to be in the same categoty as “gramps” or “grampy.” Still, you seem like a decent lad so I’ll let it slide.

      Now, as far as density goes, I’m not sure if the Americans are any smarter than the Australians or any other nationality but my general suspicion is that there are no shortage of idiots on this planet and that if you step outside your house you’re likely to trip over two or three before you get to your mailbox.

      Now, if you are referring to the number of people as opposed to their overall stupidity, well then I suspect there are likely more overcrowded places on earth than either America or Australia. I hear Japan is very busy. Regardless of how we stack up to others though – a man needs his elbow room. I’m sure you’ll agree with that.

      All the best and thanks for visiting.

      Don

      • Sedate Me permalink
        3:57 pm

        Sir,

        Canada is a lot better than America in this regard (You usually only stumble across one idiot, maybe two, by the time you get to your mailbox.) but you are correct, idiots are everywhere.

        They are breeding faster than rabbits and even the smartest nations will soon be overrun by them.

  48. My Name is None of Your Business permalink
    10:28 pm

    All I have to say is “selfish, ignorant bastard”. Please contact me if you would like further elaboration.

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