An Old Man’s Attempt to Close the Generation Gap
Almost one year after the initial posting, I continue to receive irate comments from young people regarding my stand on tattoos.
In an effort to show that I’m the bigger man and to put an end to the battle of insults once and for all, I’ve decided to extend an olive branch to the young and get myself “inked.” In exchange, all I ask is that young people get themselves a pair of decent slacks, a nice cardigan sweater and a god damned job.
If that isn’t meeting them halfway, I don’t know what is.
At present, I am considering the following potential tattoos:
A Medic Alert Bracelet
(Placement; left wrist)
Preferable, I believe, to barbed wire, the medic alert bracelet tattoo would be both stylish and functional, capturing all of my relevant medical history including my allergies to penicillin, bee stings and indelible ink.
The Charlie Chaplin Commemorative Postage Stamp
(Placement; lower back)
Only because I understand that a tramp stamp is a popular theme in modern-day tattoo culture and, if nothing else, I strive for relevance.
Some Arcane Mystical Symbol of No Personal Relevance
(Placement; left butt cheek)
Apparently nowadays spirituality isn’t expressed through beliefs or deeds – but by getting a Celtic cross, lotus flower or some other religious symbol tattooed on your ass. I was considering a Zoroastrian faravahar for my fanny but given my love of baked beans the Horn of Odin might be a more appropriate choice.
Alternatively, I may opt for a tribal tattoo from some aboriginal or indigenous culture I have no working knowledge of. I’m sure they’ll sleep better at night knowing they have my support.
(cut along dotted line) – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –
(Placement; Directly over heart)
I don’t trust these inexperienced young doctors and if I ever find myself in need of emergency heart surgery would like to take the guess work out of where to open me up.
A Tear Drop
(Placement; beneath right eye)
The advantage is that it may garner me some respect among the hooligans that hang out in front of the Piggly Wiggly. The downside is that it may end up just getting lost in my age spots or being mistaken for an asymmetrical facial mole.
An Angela Landsbury Pin-up Tattoo
(Placement; left bicep)
Provided it can be done tastefully of course.
“Shop at Big Lots!”(Placement; forehead)
Advertise! If I’m going to spend $250 marring my flesh there better be some return on the investment. Seniors more than anyone can use a little extra pin money. And if Big Lots isn’t interested, there’s always Walgreens, Perkins or the J.C. Penney.
It’s aggressive and in your damned face.
(Placement; across back)
What better may to memorialize a loved one? I’m sure nothing would make my dead wife happier than knowing I spent 8 hours disfiguring myself in order to ensure that I wouldn’t forget her or our 40 years of marriage.
“Get Off of My Lawn”(Placement; Chest)
This is the one I’m leaning toward at the moment.
I picture it done in gothic lettering with flames shooting out from both sides. Perhaps the damned young people will be more inclined to get off my grass if they see a shirtless old man jumping off his front porch with a cane in his hand, a crazy look in his eye and a giant flaming tattoo emblazoned across his chest.
So there you have it. A lot to choose from. It will be a difficult sacrifice on my part but one I’m willing to make – just as soon as I see some evidence that the damned young people are living up to their end of the bargain.