Resume Writing 101 for Young People
My seniors centre recently placed an ad looking for janitorial help and received over 300 resumes in response. Given my experience in judging people, I was asked to help sift through them and identify potential candidates for interviews.
While I was pleased to note that a good number came from damned young people, I was horrified by the outrageous collection of nonsense they contained.
Based on the appalling assortment of misspelled words and inappropriate content I saw sprawled on everything from cocktail napkins to what looked suspiciously like toilet paper, I offer the following resume writing advice for young people.
First off, don’t be a damned idiot. Your resume SHOULD NOT include:
- Doodles, illustrations, copulating stickmen, graffiti, naked photographs or any combination of the above.
- An asinine email address like firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org .
- Your gang name or street name. (Neville Cartwright may not be as flashy as “Lil’ Bluntdog” but try to remember that you’re looking for work, not to score a damned nickel bag).
- Unidentifiable stains and the lingering aroma of Skoal, Red Bull or bong water.
- Career goals like “retiring at 25 and then kicking back with some fine bitches”.
- Blatant lies. (Chances are that if you went to College you’d know how to spell it correctly and wouldn’t be applying to clean the toilets at a seniors centre in the first place. If you’ve got no education, just say so. After all, not everyone can graduate from “Hardverd” or” Yayle”).
- A request that the employer follow you on Twitter.
- A copy of your rap sheet, the word “superfreaky”, a pentagram, details of why your dad is a “total dick” or a stool sample.
Now that we have that unpleasantness out of the way. Try to remember that your resume SHOULD include:
- A listing of skills that are relevant to the job you’re applying for. (Note: The ability to list all of the episodes of Star Trek in chronological order is not a skill; it is an indicator of social abnormality and should be played down at all costs).
- A current address that is more specific then “the red house”, “my buddy’s place” or “I’d rather not say”.
- A phone number with more than 6 digits.
- Recent work experience. (Note: Driving a cab in the video game “Crazy Taxi” does not technically qualify as part of your employment history).
- References (preferably clergy, professionals or community leaders – not people named “Shaky” or “Deuce”).
And for the love of God, if you take nothing else away please keep in mind that employers don’t like a resume that:
- has a link to your facebook page;
- includes smiley faces or use of the abbreviation LOL;
- sticks to your fingers;
- asks about an employer’s drug testing policy
- threatens retaliation if you aren’t hired;
- misspells your own name; or
- is written on the sole of a god damned shoe
Now that we’ve covered the basics – get out there, get to work on your resumes and smarten the Hell up.
Damned young people drive me crazy.