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God Damned Sleeping Teenagers Rile Me Up!

The problem with young people today is that they sleep too much.

Back when I was a lad, young people were expected to be up at the crack of dawn every day. And earlier on Sundays. On Sundays, I had to get up in the middle of the night in order to iron my tie for church and still have time to rotate the tires on my old dad’s Packard.

But these young people today, they sleep 14-16-18 hours a day. Wrapped up in their silk sheets, down duvets and king sized beds like giant, swaddled, milk-fed babies while the rest us mine coal, cut down trees and trawl for fish. I didn’t have sheets when I was boy. I had a threadbare gunny sack and a bag of corn I used as a pillow.

It’s disgraceful. No wonder our economy is in the toilet. Half our god damned population can barely muster the energy required to repeatedly smack at the snooze button – let alone get their asses out of bed and look for a job.

And what the Hell good is all this sleep doing them anyway? It just gives them a chance to dream foolish dreams that they’ll never be able to achieve. I didn’t dare have dreams when I was a boy. My ambition was to survive childhood and take whatever job my dad had planned for me. Dreams are the devil’s cinema and don’t lead to anything but foolishness, heartache and pain.

I slept 2 hours a night and that was only if my dad didn’t need me to guard the henhouse or stand in the cornfield with a straw hat on. We worked ‘til we dropped. And when the dizziness and disorientation set in, we drank black coffee by the jug and slapped each other repeatedly across the face. It was decent and right and made for a better America.

If I had ever slept until noon my old mom would have dragged my pyjama-clad ass down to the local veterinary, grabbed a hypodermic and put me to sleep permanently.

If these dozy young people don’t start getting their butts out of bed our country is doomed. Productivity will cease, morals will erode and next thing you know the United States of America will only be open for business 3 days a week between the hours of 1 and 3 p.m.

They sleep too much. That’s the problem with young people today.

(for Claire Collins and her lazy assed son)

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77 Comments leave one →
  1. 8:21 pm

    eh….what?

    bloody hell Don, you woke me up with that post.

    …and it’s only mid-afternoon.

    • 9:30 pm

      I suspect that in your case it may have more to do with middle aged intemperance than youthful sloth, Nobbly.

  2. 8:34 pm

    Damn right again, Mr. Mills.

    In a perfect world, young people shouldn’t be allowed to sleep at all. It just gives them the energy to get up to trouble. A recent scientific study I performed in my mind showed that juvenile delinquents were on average allowed 30% more sleep than your honest church-going teenagers.

    • 12:45 am

      Nice to see you again TJ.

      Good to see a young person taking an interest in scientific study that actually makes sense. It warms my heart it really does. (Most young people these days limit their study of science to learning enough chemistry to start up a meth lab in their parent’s basement.)

      Thanks for stopping in son.

      Don

      • 11:29 pm

        I do realize of course that the study in question may be a bit lacking in the verifiable data section, but if you want something done, you bloody well have to do it yourself.

        Oh and I may not be all that young, but I think in the interest of public decency, any person under the age of 40 should be considered a potential rapper until proven otherwise.

  3. 8:34 pm

    That’s why I don’t let the 10 year old sleep past 7.

    I drag her out of bed and walk her. We went for a 4 mile walk yesterday, and she’s still whining about her legs hurting. So I’m going to walk her again tomorrow, get her in shape and training for a hike. I’m going to walk her over the Cascades this summer, and make sure she isn’t one of those chubby teens- and I won’t let her get any piercings, either. No matter how much she argues and begs.

    Bah! Damned kids!

    Have a great day, my sensible friend.

    • 12:49 am

      Good to see you Rick.

      That girl will thank you in time, lad. You can count on that.

      All the best

      Don

  4. Friar permalink
    8:58 pm

    “…the devil’s cinema…”

    Heh heh. Never heard that one before.

    Hope you don’t mind if I borrow that expression some time…(?)

    • 12:50 am

      Help yourself to whatever you like, Friar. Chances are I picked up most pieces up from someone else somewhere down the line.

      Don

  5. 10:01 pm

    But think of how much good they’re doing for the environment by sleeping instead of consuming

    • 1:01 am

      Helping the environment? Sorry, Lilian but I don’t see it.

      It seems to me that when they finally crawl out of their sleepy funk they consume with the ferocity newly awakened locusts. Perhaps if they were up working and contributing to society, they wouldn’t have the time, energy or inclination or spend their “free time” slouching around a shopping mall spending their parent’s money.

      I say they consume more because they produce less.

      Nice to see you.

      Don

  6. 12:06 am

    Hey Grandpa….two words Soylent Green….charlton heston flic please report to the factory and STOP FREAKIN COMPLAINING..Zman sends

    • 1:11 am

      Jesus, Zman…

      Stop complaining? Why the Hell would I do that?

      When we stop complaining the young people win.

      Wise up son. And here’s two words for you son: “Reefer Madness” or “The Pusher” or “Teenage Jungle.”

      Good films, lad.

      The aren’t two words but I’d also recommend “Stakeout of Dope Street” and “She-Devils on Wheels.”

      Report to the factory? Ha. There’s a phrase you’ll never here a young person use. Report to the coffee bar’s more like it.

      Good to see you son. You’re a good man.

      Don

      • Sandy permalink
        5:18 am

        good reply Don! you make me laugh so hard my stomach hurts!
        but hurts good!

  7. 1:25 am

    Mr. Mills. I am duly honored that my lazy assed son prompted such a rant.

    Are you still coming over at 8:00 am Monday morning to beat the hell out of him with your cane?

    • 1:14 am

      Damned right. Nothing I like better than an early morning young person thrashing.

      Nice to see you Claire.

      Don

      • springjack permalink
        4:16 pm

        8am is too early! Show up at five after your breakfast. Beat him soundly. Then make him eat some All-Bran, and drink some INSTANT COFFEE. It’s good for him.

    • 6:35 pm

      I want marrage you. i like you . I am bangladeshi . Male 24 years old . Student and parttime job. Love is beauty and delight no death no change. you are looking nice . a good friend a like a computer . I enter your life. I hope , you do .

  8. lily permalink
    1:51 am

    Dear Mr Mills,

    Having given this some thought, I have to say I disagree with you on this occasion.

    The longer young people sleep the better in my opinion, because that way they are less likely out annoying people like you and me. This can only be described as a good thing.

    As Lillian has quite rightly observed, it’s much better for the Environment; they are less likely to leave a carbon footprint when they are sleeping and not out burning rubber and fuel and consuming junk food.

    Claire can rest easy knowing that while ever her lazy boned son is sleeping, he is not costing her anything, so perhaps she could start thinking of her son’s sleeping in terms of a cost saving measure? Zzzzzz’s = $$$$$$

    Reverse psychology could work too.

    Encourage them to sleep as long as they like, in fact, insist they sleep at least 18 hours per day and think of it as “deep sleep therapy”.

    Kindest regards,

    Lily Fossil

    • 6:09 am

      Ms Fossil,
      That is great advice. I hadn’t thought of his sleeping his life away as a good thing. You’re right though, he is saving me money since he isn’t eating, or watching tv or playing video games. He isn’t out getting in trouble or destroying anything.

      Now I can rest easy since he’s resting easy!

    • 1:26 am

      Nice to hear from you Lily,

      I appreciate your perspective but must say I don’t agree. I understand your reasoning, and can see the appeal, but stand by my views.

      Giving up and letting the young people sleep 18 hours a day is like waving a white flag. It may be the path of least resistance but it teaches them nothing and we will all be worse off in the long run.

      Ask yourself Lily, would you rather run into a young person who’s just come off 16 hours sleep and been raised on a steady diet of immediate gratification, internet pornography and parental overindulgence, or a young person who has been forced out of bed and into a school, a coal mine and a church.

      Personally, I wouldn’t want to run into either but if I had to pick, it would be the damned youngster who was too tired to be disprespectful.

      Best regards Don (and, please, call me Don)

      • lily permalink
        8:57 pm

        Dear Don,

        On further consideration, I concede that I was a wee bit rash to disagree with you and as usual, you are correct.

        Thank you for making me see the error in my thinking.

        Personally, I have no desire to run into any young people at any time, but if I must, I would prefer them to be respectful, polite, well – spoken, well – behaved and preferably gainfully employed and paying taxes.

        Kind regards

        Lily

  9. 2:42 am

    LOL. Very funny and very true. When I was younger I would sleep all the time. I would wake up at about 1 and eat, then go back to sleep. I don’t remember most of my youth and it wasn’t because of booze.

    • 1:49 am

      Nice to hear from you Eric.

      Glad to hear the sauce wasn’t involved, son. And I suspect that once the baby arrives, you’ll develop a whole new perspective on the notion of sleep.

      Don

  10. downcastmysoul permalink
    5:00 am

    They all are asleep since they switched from Metal to Paul White Man for musical entertainment. I would stay up until 2am listening to Metal Shop as a youngster and then had to get up at 6.

    • 1:58 am

      Downcastmysoul…

      Good God what the Hell kind of comment is that? “They all are asleep since they switched from from Metal to Paul White Man for musical entertainment”???

      Are you sure you haven’t been puffing some of that Ozzie Osburn LSD? Cause you don’t sound your usual sensible self, downcastmysoul. Didn’t you watch that video I “linked” for you? I thought that once you got an earful of that you’d turn over a new musical leaf.

      The problem is that young people stopped listing to the likes of Paul Whiteman and forgot that “Metal Shop” was something you took in school in order to learn a decent trade.

      I don’t know what to say, lass. Sometimes you confound me.

      Best regards,

      Don

      • downcastmysoul permalink
        3:33 am

        I flunked out of home ec and never got to take “shop” so there was mmmmmmMetal shop! Lucky for me I passed “Medical School”. I did watch that video you sent me and several others and am totally grateful I wasn’t growing up then. It would sound like rock to me if I was a “whippersnapper” back during 1830 when this was cool. Ozzie Ozburn LSD??? Man sometimes I need a Depends when I surf over here I laugh so hard!

  11. Sander permalink
    8:06 am

    Guilty as charged, but only for the weekend. During the week, I’ll sleep about 5-6 hours a night, but then I’ll compensate by sleeping 16 hours a day in the weekend.

  12. 2:10 pm

    You push these teens too hard and suddenly they’re playing the “mono” card. Or “I think I caught the sleeping sickness at the zoo.”

    • 10:10 pm

      Thanks CLT,

      If I had a nickel for everything time I’ve heard the sleeping sickness at the zoo excuse I’d be another John Davison Rockefeller.

      Good to see you lad.

      Don

  13. 2:43 pm

    Hello Mr. Mills, Firstly, may I offer my congratulations on your iconoclastic “blog”, as I believe it’s known.
    Secondly, and more urgently; and I’m sorry to be pernickety – something, incidentally, I’ve fought against all my life – but the word “ME” is missing from this sentence of yours:

    “If I had ever slept until noon my old mom would have dragged my pyjama-clad ass down to the local veterinary, grabbed a hypodermic and put to sleep permanently.”

    I only point this out, because the young people of today will use every opportunity to prove us pensioners are either useless, senile, in the way, smelly, dull, fixated, mean spirited, ill-tempered, bald, dim-witted, not “hep”,and in your particular case; illiterate.
    Call me a “smart arse” if you will, but I suspect you’ll be secretly pleased with my pedantic and interfering email, and will one day, thank me for correcting you in front of the whole world.
    Don’t give the youth of today any chances is my watchword.
    My best wishes to you.

    • 9:22 pm

      Thanks Mike,

      Damned well appreciate the help and have to admit I’m very embarrassed. Back when I worked for the Nixon administration this kind of oversight would have cost me my job or, at the very least, a profanity-laced tongue lashing.

      Feel free to correct my mistakes anytime. I’m sure this isn’t the first and won’t be the last.

      Nice to hear from you.

      Don

    • lily permalink
      9:58 pm

      Dear Mike,

      I have serious reservations whether any young person would even notice the omission.

      Lily Fossil

      • 11:11 pm

        Hello My dear. I’m charmed to make your acquaintance, but I’m not so sure about your reservations….imho (hem! hem!), it’s all “ME, ME, ME” with the young oafs of today.

        • lily permalink
          1:32 am

          Dear Mike,

          Likewise, dear chap.

          However, I reserve the right to have reservations, unreservedly.

          Speaking of “rights” – it seems to me that young people want all their rights WITHOUT any responsibilities.

          In my humble opinion ( and don’t let Mr Mills see you using “imho” or he will go ballistic), rights come with responsibilities.

          Lily Fossil

          • 10:47 am

            Hello again Lily. About 60 years ago I had reservations for two at a naturist hotel in Alaska. When we got there there was a mix up with the booking, and I was told that they had never heard of me or my paramour. My dirty weekend was totally ruined. We had to come home again, which took about 8 months. Those huskies certainly are tempermental creatures, and didn’t take kindly to crossing The Atlantic.
            My lataest wife and I can laugh about it all now. But when it comes to reervations I always feel a bit uneasy. I’m sure you’ll understand.
            I mean no harm.
            P.S I will never use “imho” again.
            P.P.S. Is “P.S.” alright?
            Fond thoughts from England,
            Mike

          • 10:49 am

            Blast!! I spelt “latex” incorrectly. “Lataest” indeed!
            M

          • 10:55 am

            I note that “reservations” is also wrongly spelt. Mind I haven’t used the word for 60 years, such was my disappointment, so allowances must be made. I’m sure you’ll understand.
            M
            P.S. From now on I’m going to use one of those new “Spell Checkers” Have you heard of them? They could well prove to be a real booone.

            • lily permalink
              8:28 pm

              Dear Mike,

              Greetings from Australia.

              Yes, I have heard of “spell checkers” but they make me cranky because they use American spelling and I was taught English.

              As a 98 year old man with a latex (?) wife, you can be forgiven for the occasional typographical error.

              Lily Fossil

              ps is correct, (PS is a Trademark)

  14. 6:33 pm

    Don,

    If you have a problem with snoozing yoof, maybe you should sleep on it.

    According to some boffins, it may help….

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8090730.stm

  15. newmexicofats permalink
    1:08 am

    I agree with the rant but disagree with the reasoning. They sleep all hours because we, as parents, allow it.

    What do you expect from them. They spend hours on the internet doing God knows what, sit in front of the tv whatching inane programs and play games hour after hour. No physical stress and damned little mental stress. Don’t let them fool you with improving their dexterity or mentaly discipling themselves.

    Nonsense.

    You believe that stuff then you believe the dog ate the homework.

    They’re flabby and restless and can’t seem to focus for more than a few sound bites before they’re on to something else. And they’re no better at listening. Wrong mental stimuli and lack of exercise.

    The wosrt part is that these habits carry over into the world of work. That’s why they don’t want to leave home, and when they do, keep coming back. Reality needs to be escaped and bed is the safest place.

    Look, initiative and pride have been replaced with excuses and entitlements and “you owe me” along with a lot of whining.

    As long as adults allow it, kids will do it.

  16. Bill permalink
    6:24 am

    Dear Mr. Mills,

    I couldn’t agree more. I employ, or should I say, try to employ some of these people. It’s not just teenagers — don’t think that they magically develop a sense of responsibility at 20. Any of them younger than 40, you just don’t know when they’ll show up. Start at 8? Maybe, but you’d damn well specify 8 *AM*.

    If my dad had ever caught me in bed after 8am, he would have assumed I was dead and dragged me out and buried me in the back 40. And he would have been right to do it, too.

    Why do they need so much sleep? Is it keeping up with the MySpace and the Facebook that’s worn them out?

    Regards,

    –Bill

  17. 10:55 am

    I agree with newmexicofats. Think of what we would be like now if our parents had shirked their parenting duties. I believe that many of us would be living down by the river or under an overpass ruined by years of unproductive lollygagging around snoozing. We all owe you, Don, a word of thanks for your devotion to improving our young folks and their future.

  18. 1:33 pm

    I took your advice and dragged my lazzy-assed kid out of bed…now he’s in the bathroom puking his guts out!! That’s never good! He and the gang went out to celebrate his birthday and drank all night. This is why they sleep all day – they party all night!!

    He should be working not sleeping or puking!!

    rlp

  19. 3:29 am

    hello sir,

    when i was a teenager, i used to wake up at 5am everyday to do my chores around the house or mum wouldnt drive me to school. Its a fair trade i say, and its all for a good education and a decent, nicely paid job.

    I DID get a bit rebellious and went the acting route, but i still wake up at 5am everyday to do my chores, just to help my dear old mum out. She says that it builds character and will net me a lovely lady one day! I CAN CERTAINLY HOPE! LOSTL!

    Bob

  20. Sandy permalink
    5:06 am

    OMGosh Don! this is the best post yet! I laughed so hard!
    my stomach is hurting! You sure to know how to tell a story!

    Now if only you would stop taking God’s name in vane. God Bless ya Don!
    Amen. I still love ya ☺

    • Sander permalink
      9:17 am

      Hate to be a wiseass, but I’m going to repeat my earlier comment about the absence of the name Yahweh on this blog :P

      • lily permalink
        9:37 am

        Dear Sander,

        You go Yahweh, and I’ll go mine.

        Lily Fossil

  21. Patti permalink
    7:03 am

    Thank you, Mr. Mills, for making me laugh harder than I have in, well, years it seems. From ironing your tie to wearing gunny sacks to standing in the cornfield with a straw hat on (especially that last one), you are a riot! I stayed up way past my bedtime reading a few of your posts and all of the comments. I can’t wait to read the rest. Keep up the good work.

  22. Gerard permalink
    8:28 pm

    Sorry about this late comment, Don. I was gone for the weekend without internet.

    I agree with you on this one. Although I think 2 hours is too little of a sleep, and I disagree with coffee, I get upset when I wake up and my friends are all asleep. I have nothing to do…I can almost never sleep past 8 hours, and usually don’t even get that much. Just last night I had around 6. I dislike getting less than 8, but that’s life.

    I have friends that go to bed at 6-7AM and wake up around 4-5PM during the summer. I don’t understand the logic.

    Gerard

  23. 6:11 am

    You said it, Don.

    I just have one question…is “trawling for fish” the same as what they refer to nowadays as “trolling for whores”?

    Because with all due respect, I just don’t think folks (old or young)should be doing that either. But that’s just me.

    Regardless, thanks once again for putting down what we should all be picking up. You are definitely a wise old man.

  24. 10:15 pm

    Don,

    The country’s shot to hell already. I seen no salvation of the American way of life as you and I knew it coming from the present generation of young parents and their children. None.

    Oh, there are a few gallant hard workers out there – somewhere, but not in my neck of the woods – but the Worthless Generation is on its way and that will be all she wrote, folks.

  25. Claudia permalink
    3:53 am

    I’ts funny but truth! I’m still young but Im not from here so I do get up Early in the mornings since I was 5 years no matter if only was to stare at my mom cooking the meal for the worker’s but it was for teaching to see everything cost in this life even my parents have enough money we still have to work hard he will never handle money to us just like that!! I’m now 25 but it work I really understand all. Good work! I really enjoy myself reading

  26. Dennis :) permalink
    12:26 pm

    i go to sleep at 2 in the morning masturbate wakeup at 3 in the afternoon masturbate take a nap masturbate again walk around and play video games all day :)
    im 17 unemployed and heading for my 5th year of highschool :)

    • 7:03 pm

      No wonder you’re too tired to use punctuation.

      You have much to be proud of young man.

      Don

  27. oldpeopleareweird permalink
    4:55 pm

    That’s not fair! I love sleeping! :mrgreen:

    • 5:25 pm

      Good God, is that you Randy Bush?

      Damned nice to see you again lad. You’re still my favorite young person of all time.

      All the best

      Don

  28. YellowRoses610 permalink
    9:09 pm

    Sleep is for the weakm Insomnia, and whisky laced coffee all the way!

  29. Mystsong permalink
    10:13 pm

    Some of us are on prescription medications that affect our sleep cycles. Just saying.

  30. 6:31 pm

    I want a two year contact marrage . any girl. I am Bangladeshi Male 24 years old. student and part time job computer expart.

  31. 10:25 am

    You’d have put me to sleep permanently so long ago… Crashed for unlucky number 13 just yesterday… oh, boy

  32. 2:12 pm

    It’s funny how we know exactly where to hit the snooze button of an alarm clock even if we’re half asleep. I enjoyed your posts sir, keep them coming.

  33. 6:06 pm

    That’s really ironic since I sleep 4 hours a day. My parents always makes me sleep more. I have this thing where I have high levels of dopamine and I have to drink medicine to slow my brin down a little.

  34. Rage of Those Interrupted permalink
    9:12 pm

    Actually, most of the people my age seem to never sleep at all. You have to practically bribe them to get off the computer/put down the video game counsel/hang up the phone. I know very few teens who seem to sleep that long. It must be all the caffiene we supposedly consume.

  35. 2:54 am

    I once slapped my self to stay awake. I was tired and in pain all day.

  36. 6:38 am

    Well, of course, we had it tough. We used to ‘ave to get up out of shoebox at twelve o’clock at night and lick road clean wit’ tongue. We had two bits of cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at mill for sixpence every four years, and when we got home our Dad would slice us in two wit’ bread knife.

  37. Anonymous permalink
    7:16 pm

    Too bad nobody’s taught you how to speak respectfully in all your advanced years!

  38. Anonymous permalink
    4:55 pm

    I love you

Trackbacks

  1. Get off my lawn! « The Confluence
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