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God Damned Slouching Teenagers Get Me Bent Out of Shape!

The problem with young people today is that they slouch.

When I was a boy, kids were expected to stand up straight. Only old people slouched and that was because they had earned the right to do so. Old folks had “the stoop” – a slouch of honor that you were awarded after a life time of hard work mining coal, forging steel or raising a dozen children in a dirt floor shack.

If I had ever slouched around my house, my old mom would have beaten me senselessness with a lemon reamer and then locked me the root cellar to think about the error of my ways.

But these young people today, they’re all hunched over like teenaged Quasimodos with ill-fitting trousers and size 14 high tops. It’s disrespectful, disgraceful and un-American.

They drag themselves down the street with their concave backs, warped morals and damned superior attitudes. It’s like someone has removed their spines and replaced them with red liquorice and arrogance.

Now ask yourself…what gal’s gonna want you to court her if you’re a semi-erect hunchback without the common decency to stand up straight and look her in the eye? And hey, junior, unless you’re looking for a job in witchcraft, bell ringing or evil science I’d say it’s not going to help you find work either.

This needs to end now. It’s the thin edge of a dangerous wedge.

Soon young people won’t be satisfied with slouching and they’ll begin slumping, lolling, reclining and worse. And before you can say “Java Man” we’ll have devolved into society of glorified apes dragging our knuckles on the ground, picking gnats out of each other’s ass hair, hunting with pointed sticks and evacuating our bowels in the god damned rose bushes.

They slouch. That’s the problem with young people today.

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63 Comments leave one →
  1. Gerard permalink
    12:57 am

    Hmmm, I’ve got mixed feelings with this one.

    Personally, I’ve been told that I walk and stand with great posture (possibly because of my build and lower back strength?). I do slouch/recline, however. I read an article once that talked about how the main cause of back problems in the United States was sitting up straight. I never really sat up straight before that, but it gave me less of a reason to do so.

    It’s important to note that when I say “sit up straight,” I mean the ultra-straight-even-with-no-back-support-straight. If I have something to rest my back on, I won’t slouch (although I’ll recline in school occasionally).

    Personally, I think people should do whatever feels natural to them. If humans feel more comfortable slouching, I say slouch! Just don’t do it in courtrooms, weddings, etc. I guess.

    Now if we’re talking about people slouching with their gaits….the limp-walkers in the hood…that’s a different story altogether.

    Keep it coming, Don!

    Gerard

    • 2:01 am

      Sorry Gerard but looks like we’re heading into another disagreement on a couple of fronts.

      First off, you’ll never convince me that sitting up straight gives you back problems.

      Lying upside down on a couch for six hours with a video controller in one hand and a pizza pop in the other gives you back problems.

      Secondly, “people should do whatever feels natural to them” is a dangerous statement. Sounds like anarchy to me. It may feel natural for me to take my pants off and mow my lawn in the nude but that doesn’t make it right.

      Anyway, lad, you get my point. Always good to see you Gerard.

      You keep it coming too…Always enjoy shooting the breeze with you.

      But try to sit up straight in school.

      Don

      • Sander permalink
        3:31 pm

        Huzzah for more disagreements: It does indeed sounds a lot like anarchy (needs a few improvements, but it’ll do for now), but that’s what makes it right to me.

  2. 1:36 am

    I can’t help but wonder that if their pants were pulled up higher they might slouch less. Not sure if there’s a correlation but I suspect there is… I guess we could also consider putting them on the rack. Sure it’s a bit medieval, but it would encourage good posture — and you could get them to confess to anything!

    • 2:03 am

      I suspect you are likely right. Proposterously ill-fitting trousers are a problem on a number of fronts.

      The rack may be a bit harsh…but the occaisional swat with a yardstick or kitchen utensil has been known to do a world of good.

      Don

  3. downcastmysoul permalink
    4:25 am

    That’s it! We’re “devolving”! No wonder I see an ape when I look in the mirror! And here I thought God created us in His own Image.

    • 12:31 pm

      Evolution….creation….either way, I’m fairly certain young people weren’t meant to be a gaggle of slouch-backed slackers.

      Nice to see you again downcastmysoul.

      Don

  4. 6:58 am

    My mom always reamed me with a lemon beater for slouching. The funny part was I never slouched, she mistook my flinching for slouching.

    • 12:32 pm

      lemon beater? A fair improvisation. But a lemon reamer is a nasty implement and that’s for damned sure.

      Either way, it’s the results that matter.

  5. 7:29 am

    [what gal’s gonna want you to court her if you’re a semi-erect hunchback] . . .

    You’ve hit the nail on the head, Don

    In my (admittedly limited experience) women certainly look more favourable upon a man if he presents himself in an upright manner than if he is slouching, half-erect (hunchback or not)

    • 4:30 pm

      Thanks Duncanr.

      My also limited experience (it’s been over 60 years since my last foray into the world of courtship and the art of romancing) would also suggest that the ladies enjoy a man who is able to fully stand at attention.

      Happy birthday, lad, all the best for the day

      Don

  6. 9:56 am

    Good one Don! I never understand why teens would walk around advertising their underwear and wearing ‘miracle pants’ in public.

    My mom calls them miracle pants coz It’s a miracle they don’t just fall off their asses…

    Speaking of which, I’ve noticed that guys who slouch seldom have nice butts…

    Is that a weird thing to have noticed?

    • 4:35 pm

      Thanks for visiting Archie,

      I like the term “miracle pants.” Your mom sounds like a fine woman. Also a miracle that no one has clapped them one on the ear for looking like damned morons.

      To your question – I don’t know if it’s a weird thing or not. Would be weird if I took notice but I don’t like to impose my values on others. That’s not my style.

      Take care and hope to see you soon,

      Don

  7. 10:46 am

    Oh my stars, this takes me back in time. I can’t tell you how often my grandmother would go for the kill, bare palm, squarely between the center of my shoulderblades. Holy moly! She even bought me one of those horrific brassieres with the metal wiring in the back designed to force the shoulders back. Yike! My dad was no better…he called me the “Walking Question Mark” during my junior high years, and went so far as to take pictures of it! Mortifying. I think what got me out of that was a combination of pageantry and JROTC in high school – neither of which I entered into voluntarily, mind – but both of which made posture a matter of competition in many respects.

    I will admit that I’m more relaxed about posture than my parents or my grandmother. Time and place count for a lot, and in proper settings, I always sit and stand with the type of straight posture that would make the basket-balancing women of India proud. In my own home, though? Pffft. I curl up like a lazy cat, honestly. *laughing* With the kids, I don’t harp that much on posture, but they both have MUCH better posture than I ever did at their respective ages. *nod*

    Fun post – brought back some…interesting…memories! ;)
    OH! You’re my new favorite blogger fyi

    • 7:40 pm

      Nice to see you again Denise, thanks for stopping in. Sounds like your grandmother was my kind of lady!

      And you’re right, or course, time and place count for an awful lot. But when I go to the Winn- Dixie, I don’t want the teenaged teller slumped over like they’re half asleep and barely to muster the energy to hold their head up above their shoulders. It’s disquieting, disrespectful and lazy.

      And thanks for the kind words too. Appreciate that. It’s very kind.

      Best

      Don

  8. Friar permalink
    11:56 am

    Those Catholic Nuns were a great cure for slouching. Smack you with a ruler, they would, if you didn’t sit straight.

    But Jesus, those nuns would scare me. (Still do, even to this day….)

    • 7:43 pm

      They’re supposed to scare you, Friar. I think it’s in the job description.

      They sure can get your respect quick though. Damned quick. Nothing stings quite like the smack of a 12″ ruler (I’d convert to centimetres but my calculator’s gone missing and my mental math isn’t what it once was).

      All the best,

      Don

  9. deancasino permalink
    12:02 pm

    I’ve got to say, the ladies sure do appreciate a straight back. If there was no other reason to have good posture (and let’s face it, there isn’t) other than sex, I would be a certified knuckle dragger. Yes, sex is a darn productive motivator.

  10. 7:01 pm

    LOL. I agree a hundred percent. I hate when people slouch. The only thing worse than slouching is when people don’t pick their feet up when they walk. If you get a combination of that then forget about it.

    • 11:55 pm

      Thanks for visiting Eric,

      Always nice to see you. You’re bang on about the dragging feet too. Wish I’d remembered to include that. It drives me nuts. Pick up you god damned feet when you walk.

      All the best.

      Don

  11. cjrambling permalink
    7:13 pm

    Amen Don! My Dad not only corrected us kid’s posture, but my Mom’s as well. He’d walk up behind us, clap a hand on both shoulders, put his thumbs between our shoulder blades and squeeze till we stood up straighter than most soldiers at attention lol!! To this day I still stand and walk like I’m marching off to boot camp!

    Although, I will admit to bad posture when sitting..I have a valid excuse though…I’m too damned short. Most times when I’m sitting in a chair, my feet are dangling several inches off the floor which makes me feel like a toddler so I curl one leg up underneath me and just get comfy..Sorry….

    • 11:57 pm

      Thanks cjrambling,

      Have to admit I remember that shoulder squeeze move myself. I got it more than a few time. Funny…

      And I think we can let the leg curl slide, son, under “exceptional circumstances.”

      Nice to see you again. Thanks for stopping in.

      Don

  12. 1:43 am

    I find that if you want teenagers to quit slouching, you have to tell them to slouch. Teenagers like to rebel their elders. If you tell them to slouch and they look “swell” when they slouch, they’ll quit slouching.

    • 6:20 pm

      And that’s the problem with young people today. They all want to rebel…

      If my dad wanted to do something he told me straight up – none of this reverse psychology crap. And when he told me…I did it.

      Thanks for visiting.

      All the best.

      Don

  13. 6:34 am

    Yeah, if thse kids today wanted to be pretzels they should’ve been born to the King Arthur Four Company and been handtwisted, baked until golden brown, salted and served with mustard and a nice frosty cold beer!

  14. 6:35 am

    Actually, that should’ve been King Arthur FLOUR Company. Oops.

    • 6:24 pm

      Thanks Zirgar and you’re damned right…

      And, in fact, I’m thirsty for a beer right now. I’ve been trimming my neighbour’s bush all morning (widow Smith can’t get around too well) and I’ve worked up a Hell of a thirst.

      Maybe I’ll have a pretzel too.

      Nice to see you again lad.

      Don

  15. 9:47 am

    put them all in corsets with decent boning. that’s make them stand up!

    • 6:26 pm

      Thanks Nurse Myra,

      Couldn’t agree more. It would be a Hell of an improvement.

      Nice to see you and thanks for visiting with me.

      Don

  16. Captain Jerry permalink
    1:17 pm

    I just learned of your wonderful blogsite via The Presurfer. You are a genius of social analysis and my newest favorite blogger. Keep up the excellent work!

    • 6:26 pm

      Thanks for the very kind words Captain Jerry and welcome.

      I appreciate your stopping in and hope to see you again soon.

      All the best,

      Don

  17. lily permalink
    6:32 am

    Don,

    I am totally with you on this one – young people slouching really gets my goat and nursemyra has the right idea with the corsets , except i wouldn’t be wasting good whalebone on these gormless creatures. Some gaffer tape and steel rods would work just as well.

    • 11:46 pm

      Thanks Lily, appreciate your visiting.

      I’m inclined to agree – let’s save the whalebone for the seniors. And let’s also wrap the gaffer tape around their mouths while we have it out….

      All the best.

      Don

  18. 1:58 pm

    It seems to me that almost every problem you’ve listed could be solved by a generous helping of “beating.” I don’t want to oversimplify (or perhaps I do, this is the internet, after all) but maybe some sort of government-approved mass-beating is in order.

    We may have to get a Republican like Newt Gingrich or Pat Buchanan or Richard Milhous Nixon back in office, though.

    • 2:14 pm

      The Lion Tamer makes a good point, Don. Wouldn’t you agree?

    • Sander permalink
      3:39 pm

      “government approved”? Why the [expletive] would you want to go through that? The government can’t do much if they don’t know there’s something happening.

  19. jomega permalink
    6:42 pm

    “They drag themselves down the street with their concave [sic.]backs…”

    Damn kids these days don’t even know how yo SLOUCH right!

    • 11:47 pm

      Thanks for visiting jomega. Damn they they don’t know how yo [sic.] SLOUCH right!

      All the best,

      Don

  20. 10:19 pm

    The problem with old people today is that they fart.

    When I was a boy, old people were expected to wear diapers. Only babies farted and that was because they hadn’t earned the poop chute control to avoid doing so. Old folks had “the walking farts” – a form of gait that you earned after a life time of hard work shuffleboarding, forging steel-plated bingo boards or raising hell with the local AARP about Denny’s upping the price of the senior coffee.

    If I had ever farted around my house, my old mom would have beaten me senselessness with a library book and then locked me in the attic cellar to think about the error of my stinky ways.

    But these old people today, they’re all pooped up like wrinkly Shih Tzus with ill-fitting Depends and size small ball caps. It’s disrespectful, disgraceful and un-American.

    They drag themselves down the street with their pants up around their nipples, warped walkers and damned superior breathing technology. It’s like someone has removed their nostrils and replaced them with liquid oxygen and arrogance.

    Now ask yourself…what waitress is gonna want you to sit in her section if you’re a malodorous geezer without the common decency to go to the restroom and keep your stank to yourself? And hey, relic, unless you’re looking for a job in bio-warfare, pest eradication or evil science I’d say it’s not going to help you find work either.

    This needs to end now. It’s the thin edge of a dangerous wedge.

    Soon old people won’t be satisfied with stinking and they’ll begin smelling funky, fetid, foul, and worse. And before you can say “Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” we’ll have devolved into society of glorified apes dragging our knuckles on the ground, picking gnats out of each other’s ass hair, hunting with pointed sticks and evacuating our bowels in the god damned rose bushes.

    They fart. That’s the problem with old people today.

    • 11:51 pm

      Hey there Roddy-boy,

      Thanks for stopping in lad and alerting me to the fact that the damned Denny’s is considering upping the price of their coffee. The sneaky bastards over there are always trying to pull a fast one on us seniors.

      Appreciate your leaving the comment, son. Knew a lad back in public named Rod. Good kid but he had a metal plate in his head and got the nickname “lightening rod” as a result.

      Don’t imagine you have a metal plate in your head. You seem like a smart enough kid.

      Hope to hear from you again Rod.

      Thanks for visiting.

      Don

  21. Philip Rodgers permalink
    3:36 am

    Don do they slouch because their pockets are at the knees and the Ipod earphones only reach so far? Great Post. Keep em coming.

  22. 6:27 am

    I’ve just come to your site, and hope to read more. The vast majority of our youth (and are we alone?) have gone to the dogs. I’m somewhat hopeful that the few who haven’t just might hake up for the rest.

    I’ve been thinking of writing a “Guide for Young Men Upon Entering Society”, in which I would offer a few simple suggestions, such as, civilized men do not wear their belt below the butt; gentlemen do not wear hats indoors; English has a vocabulary of some 800,000 words – try to learn a few of them, young boys spend years trying to reach an age where they can set their short pants aside – there’s no need to return to that state; . . .

    • 4:15 pm

      Amen ZZMike,

      That sounds like a damned fine book and I hope you write it. Long overdue in my estimation.

      Thanks for visiting. Hope to hear from you again.

      Don

  23. 7:33 am

    I have to admit that I slouched as a young teen and it drove my parents crazy. Okay, they were crazy to start with, but I slouched because I was taller than everyone else my age for several years and I didn’t want to look like a freak. Once everyone else caught up to me, I stopped slouching and stood tall again.

    • 4:16 pm

      Thank you Claire,

      Glad to hear you were able to nip that slouching in the bud. Being tall is no excuse, of course, especially nowadays when the average 8 year old is 9 feet tall.

      Best Regards.

      Don

  24. 2:51 pm

    Ah, Mr. Mills! Were it not deemed unseemly, I would say all that is on my mind at our first introduction. As it is, allow me to profess my admiration for your fine mind and social courage in publishing what, until now, has been sorely missing from the so-called “blogosphere.”

    A young person could do much worse– alas, many do– than heed your sound advice. I know they will protest that there is more to life than the things you reveal to them, that life is more complex than you imagine, but that just proves their naivetee and insouciance.

    I look forward to reading more of your excellent essays and eagerly anticipate the diversion of the young pups’ sense of outrage. Until the next time, I remain,

    Sincerely yours,

    Joan

    • 4:19 pm

      Thank you very much Joan of Argghh!

      A damned fine comment and I appreciate your taking the time to share it with me.

      I hope to see you again and will make it a point of priority to stop over and visit with you.

      All the best,

      Don

  25. 6:10 pm

    You are such a funny writer.

  26. James permalink
    1:43 pm

    I’m starting to notice a pattern. Every time your mad at young folks you reminisce on how your father trained you to behave a certain way. Why aren’t you focusing your anguish on the parents of the kids.. or the parents of those parents… wow when you think of it this way it’s almost as though it’s your own “God Damn” fault. Take some time to let that sink in and tell me what you think.
    Salutations,
    James

    • 5:40 pm

      Thanks James,

      I mulled it over carefully, lad, and have come to the conclusion that I’m right and you’re not.

      You make good arguement son. I just don’t agree with you. Never will.

      All the best and thanks for visiting. Hope to hear from you again.

      Don

  27. 1:23 pm

    Slouchers – heheheh. Don, you and I are of an age to know that the slouching kids will get their payback after they pass through middle age. Neuritic kyphosis of the spine, arthritis in the spine, constricted spinal and rib nerves… oh yeah, they’ll pay big time with thoracic pain.

    The thing I’m seeing here in the Spartanburg, SC, area is tall, thin teenage girls with severe round shoulders. The syndrome seems to fortify their ‘mope and sulk’ walk.

  28. 1:11 am

    Sadly, Invasive Degenerative Spinal Disintegration is affexting teens world-wide. Characterized by
    -the inability for the young people (99% of sufferers are between the ages of 13 and 25) to touch the their ass-cheeks against back of any seat, especially on public transport and at church.
    – the gradual onset of the inability of sufferers to bring the knees together. Sufferers may initially be able to summon the strength to move their legs together without rolling their eyes upwards and sighing. However, eventually, there is a general malaise that affects sufferers and they lose the ability to do so. In fact, in severe cases, the connection between brain and knees is so severely hampered that a form of rictus develops and the person does not ever recognize the need for moving the legs together, necessitating others to climb over the sufferers.

    Some studies have shown a direct correlation between the use of audio devices such as Mp3 players, and the placement of baseball caps sideways on the head. Rap and Hip Hop “music” may also be a contributing factor; although it should be noted that young people who have never listened to this form of music but have restricted their listening to a form of music called “EMO” such as “Fall Out Boy”, “My Chemical Romance”, and “30 second to Mars” have also been noted to have been as severely effected. Nor are young people who may be labeled “Goth” immune to this devastating illness.

    However, the scientific community is divided over the cause and cure for the disorder. An article in The Lancet sparked debate when its authors suggested that “a good smart smack upside the head” would cure most young people of the disability.

  29. Paul Cross permalink
    1:40 am

    http://www.jupiterimages.com/Image/royaltyFree/77631121#Header I think women looks pretty when they slouch.

  30. 4:31 am

    Man, oh man! I used to have the world’s worst posture. I taught yoga all over the USA and wrote the Runner’s Yoga Book and throughout that entire time my everyday posture was horrible. I could pull myself up to “stand up straight” but it made me so tense everywhere that within minutes I would give up and give into my normal slouch. The problem was that conventional directions to stand up straight require tension. For the past 20 years I have been practicing and teaching people how to stack their bones naturally so the bones support a person and at the same time they can me relaxed. The problem for young people is 2 fold: 1, it is cool to slouch. 2, standing up straight hurts. I just want people to know there is a way to have great posture and be wildly comfortable. HA, who knew?????

  31. Delorfinde permalink
    7:27 pm

    You never met an Irish / ballet dancer, then? They’re the ones that everyone in school yells at because they look too good when they sit up straight … trust me on this one :)

  32. Paul permalink
    6:38 am

    Don — I just want to simply comment —hahahahaha! The fact that people respond to hilarious satire with earnest and serious commentary only shows whats wrong with some of the people who read your blog. You deserve an audience with a better sense of humor. “…picking gnats out of each others ass hair” is the funniest visual of my day. Kudos to someone who understands the craft of comedic writing!

  33. todd permalink
    6:53 am

    now listen here, i am 6,6 and when i stand tall people get mad because i look like a king amongst rats, and people are intemidated and think u are superior, it doesnt make it easy if your trying to learn a trade ok, so dont sit on ur high horse and judge people

  34. Anonymous permalink
    9:38 pm

    THEY HAVE, GENERALLY,, INFERIORITY COMPLEXES AND A GOOD SPRINKLING OF ANTI-SOCIAL AWKWARDNESS THAT PROJECTS A FALLOWED AND DISINTERESTED POSTURE PRESENTATION-WHETHER ACTUALLY TRUE OR NOT!–IT ABIDES IN OUR HOUSEHOLD–SO I KNOW WELL..!

  35. 9:17 pm

    Slouching produces convex backs, and Java man was a pig

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  1. Great Lion Tamers of the Past « Fancy Plans… and Pants to Match
  2. Ceasar Rian: What’s Wrong With the Young People of Today « Adventures In Writing

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