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God Damned Crazy-Driving Young People Make Me Livid

The problem with young people today is that they don’t know how to drive.

Back in my day, we respected the rules of the road. My old Dad taught me to drive and if I even thought of running a stop sign or turning up the a.m. radio he’d have taken away my keys, locked me in the root cellar and set the dog on me.

But these young people today – they drive like drunken fruit bats. Speeding down the road while talking on the phone, sending text messages and checking their god damned hair in the rearview. It’s disgraceful, vain and dangerous.

Plus, they’ve all got the damned rap music thumping out obscenities and turned up so loud it makes my hearing aid rattle. They tail gate, eat while they drive and don’t even think of signaling when making a turn.

I drive my 1982 Buick LeSabre at a respectable 27 mph and keep my indicator on at all times. Never had an accident in 60 plus years on the road.

But these young people go racing past – honking their horns, screaming names at me and giving me the finger. A bunch of slack-jawed, mollycoddled chowderheads if you ask me. What the hell is our country coming to?

Pretty soon it won’t be safe for decent old people to get behind the wheel and drive over to the Wal-Mart. Or to even venture outside! We’ll all be forced to hide in our homes for fear that some twittering young person will careen up onto our front lawns and knock us ass over ankles into our rose bushes.

It’s a damned national disgrace and I want something done about it.

They don’t know how to drive. That’s what’s wrong with young people today.

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74 Comments leave one →
  1. sensico permalink
    8:17 pm

    27 mph?! no wonder it looks like we are speeding. It’s all relative :P
    I actually hate when you’re driving behind an old person and they turn the corner all slow. But, I guess you can be right, some young people drive too fast. I also hate the loud music, in my area it’s either pop or rap music, both are equally annoying at high volume levels.

    • 8:21 pm

      Nice to see you again Sensico.

      27 mph is a damned safe speed. I’m not flying around corners on two wheels while checking my Myspace page and that’s for sure.

      Thanks for visiting,

      Don

      • Daniel permalink
        7:44 pm

        Safe for whom Mr Mills? Driving under the speed limit can be just as dangerous as speeding.

  2. downcastmysoul permalink
    8:58 pm

    Yes, what a world…(gets water at this point proceeds to melt)

    At one time I drove (gulp) a CAR!

    Whenever I’d get behind a “slow” person I’d get angrier and angrier until I’d see just the tip of a tiny elderly head over the wheel, then, I knew there’d be no way to “reform” the driver with my “one finger” therapy. I’d just shake my head and get into another lane and I’d SIGNAL whilst I did so, even tho’ I would have my HEAVY METAL playing.

    Rap is more fun to drive to though, I bet.

    Signed,

    Dr. Downcast

    • 12:55 am

      You’re a Doctor?

      Jesus Downcast why didn’t you say so. I’ve got a list of ailments longer than your arm (and those look like some lengthy arms you have there lad). You and me will have to talk.

      But before we do, take a shot of common sense from Doctor Donald. Trust me, lad, that heavy metal is the reason you’re all angry and impatient and wanting to give old folks the finger.

      Go home, make a Bosco, put on some slippers and give Paul Whiteman and His Ambassador Orchestra a listen. You’ll feel like a new man by morning.

      Have to run. Got a taste for a listen myself now.

      Don

      • downcastmysoul permalink
        2:44 am

        Who is Paul Whiteman? Is he the newest guitar hero? Does he have tattoos? (sp)????? What’s an orchestra??? Is that like a BAND? I think my old parents listened to these “orchestras”…they’d even torture me by listening to this thing called “opera”. Pure hell. Until I discovered my Metal singers got some of their style from “opera”. Go figure. What is a Bosco? Is that your dog?

        BTW I am a young CHICK.

        • downcastmysoul permalink
          2:49 am

          Take some Metal and call me in the morning.

          • 2:56 am

            A female doctor? Jesus Christ..

            I’ll be rethinking asking you to look at my rash. (It’s an odd one though. Looks a little like President Nixon. Strangest damn thing I’ve ever encountered.)

            Thanks for the heads up and the free medical advice.

            Don

  3. gab3szHU permalink
    9:00 pm

    Hi Don,

    I like your blog so much! Very funny! Keep up good work! ;)
    (I have to tell: I like driveing fast…sorry! :) LOL! )

    Bests,
    Gabesz
    from Hungary

    • 1:42 am

      Welcome Gabesz,

      Thanks for stopping in and don’t worry too much about driving fast. I rarely take the Buick out of the tri-state area so I don’t think we’re likely to run up against one another.

      You might want to be mindful of the Hungarian Seniors however.

      Regards,

      Don

  4. 9:46 pm

    I thought only pimps drove Buick LeSabres.

  5. hellstruelight permalink
    9:52 pm

    While there are posted maximum speed limits there is something to be said about driving with the pace of traffic. If you a driving in traffic with people who are travelling at a certain speed, and you are travelling much slower, than you are inevitably going to have cars waiting impatiently behind you. They will be lined up, and ready to do what ever they can to “just pass this idiot”. In times like these travelling at 27mph would make YOU the dangerous driver in that you may not have been in an accident, but you may very well have caused hundreds.

    There is also something to be said about elderly people wanting to drive as to keep their independence but in reality the ability to drive safely has deteriorated.

    • 1:49 am

      That’s just nonsense Hellstruelight.

      I’m a damned safe driver. It’s those speed demon young people that cause the accidents and you can take that to the bank.

      And this whole notion of “deteriorating driving ability” is nothing but an elaborate rouse to confiscate our cars and herd us into retirement homes!

      You’ll get my Buick when you pry it out of my dead cold hands…

      Thanks for commenting, lad, you seem like a decent sort. Just a little mixed up.

  6. 9:54 pm

    As a midwesterner, I find my commute to and from work is often interrupted by octagenarians without the foot strength to push their vehicle above 40 mph. That in itself is annoying enough, but no sooner do I dart into the opposite lane and outrun all 35 feet of American-made vehicle, then I find myself up to my firewall in some sort of unidentifiable agricultural biproduct being hauled at 1/2 the speed of funeral processions.

    • 1:53 am

      Now listen here Capitalist Lion Tamer,

      Are you are implying that midwestern seniors have insufficient weight in their loafers? Because I have a few friends that might take some offence at that.

      It’s not about foot strength, personal lifestyle choices or being old. Slow is safe, son. Slow is safe.

      • Sweet Nightingale permalink
        6:22 pm

        too slow is just as bad as too fast, look at the stats and take that to the bank. You’re wrong on this one, but I love your blog.

  7. 10:52 pm

    If they’d have driven a tank like that during WW2, they’d have been court-martialled. That would have learned them.

  8. 10:56 pm

    Don, I walk everywhere. It’s safer. But then, I live in a town with a population you can number on both hands. lol

  9. Moody Monica permalink
    11:46 pm

    My God..if I continue reading your blog…I am going to have to purchase depends! Your blog is great!

    • 2:58 am

      Welcome Moody Monica. Buy bulk on-line, you’ll save a fortune. That’s what I heard, anyway.

      Don

  10. Friar permalink
    12:11 am

    I have a theory. Old folks drive slower, because each passing second represents increasingly shorter and shorter fractions of their living memory.

    Take someone who’s twenty, for example. A year is 0.05 of their whole life.

    Compare this to someone who’s 75. A year is now only represents 0.013 of their whole existence.

    Apply this to minutes and seconds: maybe an older person might perceive the telephone poles whizzing by much faster than they really are. As compared to some god-damned young whipper-snapper driving at the same speed.

    It’s all about relativity.

    Anyway, that’s my theory.

    Maybe they should give this to a grad student somewhere to do their PhD on.

    • 3:00 am

      Jesus Friar that’s a damned interesting theory. But I still think the fact that young people are ignorant and don’t know how to drive needs to factor in there somewhere.

      Your a smart lad Friar. And a nice young man

  11. 12:14 am

    Don ,

    while I am pleased that the drunken fruit bat has finally been knocked off it’s worst driver perch , this does concern me because I beleive no one in their right mind should twitter in public much less behind the wheel of a car ! …I’ve twittered before and ended up with four teenage boys ( scary stuff if you ask me )..~Dave

  12. 3:45 am

    Came by to visit. Tony at An Old Fart’s Blog said to check you out. Glad I did. Common sense is pretty rare these days. Glad to be around people who see it right!

  13. 4:48 am

    Too much testosterone, Don. That’s the problem.

    From my admittedly unscientific observations, the racing teens that cause terror on the roads are largely male. I believe all that racing (thrusting) with the car is simply simulated sex – a displacement activity borne out of sexual frustration because they are not getting laid.

    If we want to make roads safer for ‘seniors’ we need to start a Road Safety Campaign encouraging these horny hoods to shed some semen before setting out on a journey – a wank before they get behind the wheel should slow the buggers down !!!

    • 8:36 am

      Excellent idea Duncan.

      Would the police have the authority to pull teenage hoodlum drivers off….err… ‘over’ (sorry…) to the side of the road, and order them to enagage in a little wrist exercise?

      It seems to me that there could be hidden costs for the taxpayer in all this.

      Obviously we can’t have the local cops supervising such activity at the side of the road; therefore carefully screened-off ‘masturbation stations’ would have to be erected (sorry… thereI go again) ‘built’ at regular intervals along major roads and in all towns and cities.

      I suppose they could just use existing police stations, if they weren’t already full of wankers.

    • 6:19 pm

      Thanks Duncan and Nobbly,

      You English lads are a funny lot but your solution focussed damn it and full of spunk.

      All the best

      Don

      • 6:55 pm

        oooh Don!

        Careful….

        Duncan is Scottish, not English.

        I’d apologise sharpish, unless you wish to feel the force of a thrust from his mighty claymore.

        • 6:59 pm

          Scottish? I knew there was a reason I liked that lad!!

          Apologies Duncan

          • 9:25 pm

            Like myself – I bet you have some Scots ancestry in there, don’t you Don?

            After all, Donald is a damn fine Scots name; immortalised in the words of the famous song:-

            “Let the wind blow high
            let the wind blow low
            through the streets in my kilt I’ll go
            and all the lassies say ‘hello!
            Donald where’s your troosers?'”

            If you wish to purchase the song, it is available on a good old-fashioned 78rpm vinyl disc. Try asking in your local record store for anything by Wee Jimmy McShite feat. Kanye Giveafuck.

            Don replies – Damn right. And I love that song. The 7″ 45 rpm version is a family treasure. My wee brother Hamish has even somehow managed to get it to play through his computer. I’d be happy to email you the Emptee 3 file. Just say the word, lad.

  14. Tony permalink
    9:31 am

    Hi Again Mr. Mills, damn your a funny old fella. Givem Hell I say Don. I had a youn fella pull up next to me the other week, Rap Crap booming out the window & I was in a plain ol’ toyota hilux company delivery utility truck. He sat there revving the guts outta it at the light & looking over at me. Unfortunately I deliver quite large drums of electrical cable so out Hilux has a bigger than usual motor to cope with the heavy loads. Damned if I didn’t blow him away at the green ligfht & humuliate the crap outta him. That’s what’s wrong with our country too teenagers don’t know how to drive. Or size up the competition either……

    • 6:12 pm

      Good stuff Tony. It’s up to folks like us to teach them pups a lesson. Keep at it! We old folks still have a trick or two left up our sleeves.

  15. 9:46 am

    Quite right, Nobbly.

    There would be certain ‘handling’ and processing’ costs involved in my proposed scheme.

    However, if the sperm collected by the WPC’s (wanking police constables) was sold on to Sperm Banks then the scheme would be largely self-financing

  16. SGT.C permalink
    10:17 am

    I can see where your coming from with the speed issue. I myself hardly ever find it sufficent to go any farther over the speed limit than 5 miles. But, on the other hand it is dangerous in some areas to go slower than the posted speed a two lane highway in Iowa would cause a lot of problems if someone was going 27mph. I understand for safety but in sometimes it’s nice to go a little bit faster, like say the use of a convertible. The post was hilarious none the less keep up the good work Don.

    • 6:23 pm

      Thanks Sarge. Always good to hear from you.

      I don’t do a lot of highway driving – mainly just back and forth to the Walmart with an occaisional side trip to the local convenience store.

      I might up it to 30 or 35 on the highway but I don’t like to push the Buick too hard. The old girl’s been good to me.

  17. 12:35 pm

    27 mph? Now don’t get me wrong here, getting stuck behind a slow ass driver on the road is the worst thing to happen to you on a Monday morning!

    I haven’t had an accident either, and I’ve about busted every road rule there is. No harm when you don’t kill someone dead. And, I’m sorry if I gave you the finger but I musta been damned busy trying to hold the car at a steady 65 while checking my make up…encountering a crawling driver between your blush and mascara is about the most infuriating thing ever!

    But rap music is somethin I don’t do. God save us all!

    • 6:33 pm

      Archie I am well and truly shocked.

      The only blush on your cheeks should be the burning shame you feel about disrespecting an old man.

      And just when I was starting to warm up to you.

      All the best,

      Don

  18. Jake permalink
    4:10 pm

    So let me get this straight, you drive at 27 mph all the time and say that young people are the ones that dont drive safely? Maybe if everyone in the country drove at your snail speed it would be fine, but other people need to be places and they need to get there fast.

    I bet the fact that you drive slower than everyone else actually causes more accidents and trouble that if you were to drive fast like everyone else. The people that actually have a schedule to keep are going around you or tailgating and that is unsafe, but if you wouldn’t drive like such a geezer none of that would be happening.

    And im sure everyone else reading this feels my pain when you are driving behind someone that needs a walker just to move around. They drive 10 below the speed limit all the time, and dont even think about trying to pass them because they weave in and out of the lane so damn much it will drive you crazy. Oh, and lets not forget how they take their sweet time to start moving again after the light turns green. After waiting for a minute or 2 at a long red light, I dont feel like waiting an addition 10 seconds for the ancient bag of bones infront of me to realize the light has changed. Sometimes I wonder whether or not they can actually see whats going on while they drive.

    If it were up to me the only birthday present a senior citizen would get when they turn 75 is a suspended drivers license and a one way, all expenses paid trip to the nearest nursing home.

    • 4:55 pm

      All expenses paid, Jake?

      Sign me up!

      That means I can blow my NobblySan Nursing Home fund on restoring that AC Cobra that I’ve had in the garage since 1969.

      Then all you youngsters had better watch your ass!

    • 4:58 pm

      Your post also reminded me of the official definition of ‘One Millisecond’ :-

      The time that elapses between the green light coming on, and the cab driver behind you sounding his horn.

    • 2:21 am

      Jesus Christ Jake, just where the hell are you going in such a hurry? I’m assuming you’re not rushing over to see your parents?

      And what’s with bringing walkers into this? I hate it when young folks do that…

      “driving behind someone that needs a walker just to move around.”

      It’s not like you’re out there sprinting Jake. Sounds like you need a god damned CAR to move you around.

      Let me tell you, boy, a walker takes a little more effort to operate than a Ford Focus. Are you working up much of a sweat while you sit on your ass, smoking the LSD and listing to Pee Diddly on the radio? I’m guessing no.

      Now, damn it Jake, you’ve gone and got me all wound up and my Doctor’s giving me Hell about my blood pressure.

      Look, you seem like a decent lad – just horribly misguided. You think on this and you’ll see I’m right.

      Come back and visit me again boy. I like you.

      Don

  19. K.Regina permalink
    7:58 pm

    A rather interesting blog, sir. I must admit I do not yet drive despite being eighteen because of croncdizzyness which would make me unsafe to drive, but I would aruge, respectfuly of course that prehaps it would be safer to go at the same speed as the fast drivers, so that you can get out of the way if they slip up, and you would be less likely to get hit. That is thoery any way, like I said I do not drive, only ride. I do how every, laugh so hard I have an asthma attack at your blog.

    • 2:28 am

      Welcome K.Regina,

      Thanks for the nice comment, I appreciate that. Take care of that chronic dizziness and asthma.

      (You throw some gout into the mix and I’m gonna make you an honorary senior.)

      Thanks

      Don

  20. rarifiedlightningpig permalink
    9:50 pm

    I say let the women drive old man! Even at my age, and I’ve got a few miles on my tires, I can get that car moving! I don’t care much for those radios cranked up high but I can get past them pretty quickly so I don’t worry about it too much.

    If you’re in front of me and I’m in a hurry you’re going to get the finger and a few curse words as I stomp on the gas and leave you in my dust.

    I say leave the driving to women old man!

    RLP

  21. Chris permalink
    1:55 am

    too slow? unsafe? wtf?

    if you need to get somewhere get up earlier! there are people who drive like that (slower than you), you know? Same as there are black, white, Asian, Russian people? Same as there are sunny days and rainy days…ooohh.

    What kids today are, are ignorant;think the world only goes one way. SO narrow minded. TV?

    Don,I love your blog and must say that I’m happy even if this is just humor, someone is saying what you are saying.

    27 mph..really?

  22. 3:33 am

    I’m working on it, Don. One tasing at a time, my friend.

  23. Jenny permalink
    8:11 am

    I really can’t say much about this one. I had a wreck earlier this year because I was going too fast. Though, I was not on my phone and I was only going 45 (on a curved ramp about 30 minutes after it rained.) I thought I was going to die.

    Hit 3/4 corners and spun around. I hit my head on the window and had a concussion for four days–which I worked straight through because I had to buy a new car. You can bet I don’t drive too fast anymore.

    I do hate loud rap music though. I was listening to rock music.

  24. mynooch permalink
    1:06 pm

    Hey Crabby Ass Grumpy Grape.. maybe if you’d quit trying to clean your Colonoscopy bag while on the freeway.. i’m just saying it’s kinda gross.

  25. Sally permalink
    8:52 pm

    Don:

    I’ve heard “Sexting” is all the rage with young people nowadays- that’s probably part of the problem as well. Sexting their buddies on the iphones while speeding down the freeway and simultaneously giving old people the finger. Damned younguns, yes, I agree.

    Too bad about the marriage proposal- I make a mean pot of tea myself! I’d give her a run for her money I’d wager. Ah, well, it’s probably for the best. My husband would probably get his feelings all hurt if I were to run off into the sunset with the first old fart that tickled my funnybone, anyway.

    Cheers, off to read the newest post!

  26. 4:27 am

    I’ve been driving for 43 years and I’ve never gotten a ticket. You drive behind me and you’re going to go the speed limit. You tailgate me and you’ll go even slower. And your finger doesn’t bother me at all. I’ve got 10 of them and I love them all!

  27. Sander permalink
    11:10 pm

    Would your reaction be different if the rap music was replaced with, say, AC/DC?

    • 11:19 pm

      Hello again Sander my lad,

      Nice to see you son.

      To answer you question…Hell’s bells NO! It would be just as bad or worse. That Rap, hippity hop and the rock and roll ain’t nothing but noise pollution!

      All the best

      Don

  28. Youngn' permalink
    8:24 pm

    I like how you wrote “back in the day we respected the rules of the road.” Because it seems like today, old people either forgot them, don’t care, or don’t have the magnitude to operate anything that moves faster than 2mph.

    • 11:04 pm

      Yeah, we have some “magnitude” issues Youngn’….

      Nice to see you again lad. You’re my new favourite young person.

      Best Regards

      Don

  29. boss permalink
    8:45 pm

    if u cant even drive the speed limit then ur not stable to drive get ur fukin ass off the streets u waste instead u go 10-20 under n u wonder why ppl give u the finger and blastin music if it hurts u so much take off ur f***in hearing aid

    • 9:27 pm

      Thanks Boss,

      I believe that’s a direct quote from the Highway Traffic Act. Many thanks for pointing that out.

      I only wish we could extend that same type of rigor to laws regarding sentence structure.

      All the best, Boss and thanks for sharing your views.

  30. 3:55 pm

    Don,

    Its amazing they make it to anywhere safely, as they always look like they are in their own “little world”, when I see them. They are driving around oblivious to what is going on around them.

    I just love your description of them, “they drive like drunken fruit bats”….too funny.

    • 11:24 pm

      Thank you trishothinks,

      The do seem rather oblivious don’t they. Appreciate your stopping in to visit.

      All the best,

      Don

  31. 5:02 am

    Don, you have just explained the reason why I still have my driver’s permit. You are my hero!

  32. David Forster permalink
    11:03 am

    Don,

    I must object to your sentence “Or to even venture outside!”. Splitting infinitives is abhorrent and a crime against humanity. I expected better.

    Yours,
    DMF

  33. allesklar permalink
    1:43 pm

    “…and keep my indicator on at all times.”
    An admirable driving skill which has become even more important with the advent of self-cancelling indicators – completely wasted on the younger drivers of course.

  34. MrMoo permalink
    2:37 pm

    statistically your age group are the worst drivers.

  35. Shashank permalink
    6:26 am

    Guess what you’ve got company! Me too, grandpa-driver, rarely crossing 40miles and thats the max I feel safe and well under control! Yeah I tend to honk a bit much due to excess fear and apprehension since I mowed down two junkies (They are alrite!) quite a while back but thanks to the laws here, I came back unscathed.
    Sorry for not so hunky-dory English, not my native!

  36. 6:16 pm

    The good ole Buick LeSabre haha. I thought the 82 LeSabre came with an automatic indicator that you couldn’t shut off?

  37. 9:00 pm

    While I appreciate the humor and overall theme of your blog, this one I disagree with.
    This is precisely the pot calling the kettle black. An old person saying a young person can’t drive is pretty much identical to a chinese person saying the same thing. Gotta love stereotypes.

    That being said, I’m the prime example of a reckless young driver. Aggressive, loud, and invincible. Oh, and I bump rap music at red lights. Gotta love that bass from the trunk when I’m on the block!

Trackbacks

  1. Room For Laughters » God Damned Crazy-Driving Young People Make Me Livid
  2. Day two of wordpress « karlwood
  3. Ceasar Rian: What’s Wrong With the Young People of Today « Adventures In Writing

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